Diana-M
Beloved Grand Eagle
Here was always my game-plan:
All three did come to fruition in super small ways. I freelanced a couple stories for the Post. And I have a long career as a journalist. I wrote a couple of novels, but never sold them. I started my own freelance business and made just enough to get by.
None of that was ever enough. Until recently, I have still been comparing myself to these goals and judging my failure to achieve them and/or plotting how I could possibly come from the rear and still achieve them at 64. No pressure. And is it a surprise I have TMS?
Now, my hands have literally shut me down with TMS symptoms. I can’t write. I’m a writer who can’t write. I am panic stricken. But more than that: I am devastated with the loss of identity and fear of not being good enough. Without my work, I think I’m no one.
My childhood was very harsh, and needless to say I have a shredded self esteem. My father was cruelly judgmental, and to him, I was never good enough. Both of my parents abused me in various ways and berated me. I have been an unbearable task master for them, now that they are dead and gone.
These past two months working on TMS healing have been very very eye opening. My body is screaming (or rather, my subconscious mind has my body screaming.) And it is up to me to find out what it is saying.
It is likely I will need to change my entire outlook—my entire game-plan to one of: Spirituality. Peace. Love. Truth. Calm. Self-love. Contentment. This will be the ultimate success. In fact scratch that. Scratch success from my vocabulary. This will be my ultimate privilege.
I need to learn to Live, and just Be. And make WHO I am, my being itself, my uniqueness and my kindness on the planet, enough. That’s all that matters. Not what I accomplish. Not what I have.
I have never had much, despite all my hard work, and I never managed to save for old age, which is rapidly upon me. Money fear is huge during my present life.
But I’m learning to change all of this! Little by little, this wiki is soaking in. All the comments and lessons. I like this saying I heard here: As long as I have a soft bed, a roof and good food, I’m safe. I say it all day long. It’s starting to change my inner dialogue. All the stories I tell myself need to be changed. This is a good start.
As far as feeling more self esteem, that’s a tough one to learn. I’m starting by listening to my head talk. I am curating my running commentary. Is it critical? Is it planning too big of goals? Is it berating me for failing at things? I’m trying to shut that all down.
I have no real idea what fair goals are. I overdo everything. I always have. The pressure is horrendous. I don’t ever achieve what I demand. It is always way out of reach.
I can only dream of what a fair life would feel like, where I am gentle with myself. But I am trying to learn! I think when I start to get that right, I’ll feel better. With or without symptoms.
Alan Gordon, in his Pain Recovery Program, here on the wiki, says, “Fear, pressure, and criticism activate our danger signals.”
As you can see, I have fear, pressure and criticism all at work freaking out my TMS brain. My lizard brain, my primitive brain doesn’t like it at all. Fire alarms going off right and left.
Thank you, my friends, for showing me the way. Every day is a journey toward the light. I am still filled with symptoms, but surprisingly, I’m thinking about them less and less. Or, at least I’m not catastrophizing as much as I used to. I’m starting to be somewhat happy just living—even though I’m pretty debilitated right now. C’est la vie!
- Be a reporter for the Washington Post;
- Become a famous novelist;
- Earn six figures as a freelance writer with my own business
All three did come to fruition in super small ways. I freelanced a couple stories for the Post. And I have a long career as a journalist. I wrote a couple of novels, but never sold them. I started my own freelance business and made just enough to get by.
None of that was ever enough. Until recently, I have still been comparing myself to these goals and judging my failure to achieve them and/or plotting how I could possibly come from the rear and still achieve them at 64. No pressure. And is it a surprise I have TMS?
Now, my hands have literally shut me down with TMS symptoms. I can’t write. I’m a writer who can’t write. I am panic stricken. But more than that: I am devastated with the loss of identity and fear of not being good enough. Without my work, I think I’m no one.
My childhood was very harsh, and needless to say I have a shredded self esteem. My father was cruelly judgmental, and to him, I was never good enough. Both of my parents abused me in various ways and berated me. I have been an unbearable task master for them, now that they are dead and gone.
These past two months working on TMS healing have been very very eye opening. My body is screaming (or rather, my subconscious mind has my body screaming.) And it is up to me to find out what it is saying.
It is likely I will need to change my entire outlook—my entire game-plan to one of: Spirituality. Peace. Love. Truth. Calm. Self-love. Contentment. This will be the ultimate success. In fact scratch that. Scratch success from my vocabulary. This will be my ultimate privilege.
I need to learn to Live, and just Be. And make WHO I am, my being itself, my uniqueness and my kindness on the planet, enough. That’s all that matters. Not what I accomplish. Not what I have.
I have never had much, despite all my hard work, and I never managed to save for old age, which is rapidly upon me. Money fear is huge during my present life.
But I’m learning to change all of this! Little by little, this wiki is soaking in. All the comments and lessons. I like this saying I heard here: As long as I have a soft bed, a roof and good food, I’m safe. I say it all day long. It’s starting to change my inner dialogue. All the stories I tell myself need to be changed. This is a good start.
As far as feeling more self esteem, that’s a tough one to learn. I’m starting by listening to my head talk. I am curating my running commentary. Is it critical? Is it planning too big of goals? Is it berating me for failing at things? I’m trying to shut that all down.
I have no real idea what fair goals are. I overdo everything. I always have. The pressure is horrendous. I don’t ever achieve what I demand. It is always way out of reach.
I can only dream of what a fair life would feel like, where I am gentle with myself. But I am trying to learn! I think when I start to get that right, I’ll feel better. With or without symptoms.
Alan Gordon, in his Pain Recovery Program, here on the wiki, says, “Fear, pressure, and criticism activate our danger signals.”
As you can see, I have fear, pressure and criticism all at work freaking out my TMS brain. My lizard brain, my primitive brain doesn’t like it at all. Fire alarms going off right and left.
Thank you, my friends, for showing me the way. Every day is a journey toward the light. I am still filled with symptoms, but surprisingly, I’m thinking about them less and less. Or, at least I’m not catastrophizing as much as I used to. I’m starting to be somewhat happy just living—even though I’m pretty debilitated right now. C’est la vie!
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