Inner criticism = danger to your brain

Here was always my game-plan:

• Be a reporter for the Washington Post;
• Become a famous novelist;
• Earn six figures as a freelance writer with my own business

Small goals, right? And I wanted all three.

All three did come to fruition in super small ways. I freelanced a couple stories for the Post. And I have a long career as a journalist. I wrote a couple of novels, but never sold them. I started my own freelance business and made just enough to get by.

None of that was ever enough. Until recently, I have still been comparing myself to these goals and judging my failure to achieve them and/or plotting how I could possibly come from the rear and still achieve them at 64. No pressure. And is it a surprise I have TMS?

Now, my hands have literally shut me down with TMS symptoms. I can’t write. I’m a writer who can’t write. I am panic stricken. But more than that: I am devastated with the loss of identity and fear of not being good enough. Without my work, I think I’m no one.

My childhood was very harsh, and needless to say I have a shredded self esteem. My father was cruelly judgmental, and to him, I was never good enough. Both of my parents abused me in various ways and berated me. I have been an unbearable task master for them, now that they are dead and gone.

These past two months working on TMS healing have been very very eye opening. My body is screaming (or rather, my subconscious mind has my body screaming.) And it is up to me to find out what it is saying.

It is likely I will need to change my entire outlook—my entire game-plan to one of: Spirituality. Peace. Love. Truth. Calm. Self-love. Contentment. This will be the ultimate success. In fact scratch that. Scratch success from my vocabulary. This will be my ultimate privilege.

I need to learn to Live, and just Be. And make WHO I am, my being itself, my uniqueness and my kindness on the planet, enough. That’s all that matters. Not what I accomplish. Not what I have.

I have never had much, despite all my hard work, and I never managed to save for old age, which is rapidly upon me. Money fear is huge during my present life.

But I’m learning to change all of this! Little by little, this wiki is soaking in. All the comments and lessons. I like this saying I heard here: As long as I have a soft bed, a roof and good food, I’m safe. I say it all day long. It’s starting to change my inner dialogue. All the stories I tell myself need to be changed. This is a good start.

As far as feeling more self esteem, that’s a tough one to learn. I’m starting by listening to my head talk. I am curating my running commentary. Is it critical? Is it planning too big of goals? Is it berating me for failing at things? I’m trying to shut that all down.

I have no real idea what fair goals are. I overdo everything. I always have. The pressure is horrendous. I don’t ever achieve what I demand. It is always way out of reach.

I can only dream of what a fair life would feel like, where I am gentle with myself. But I am trying to learn! I think when I start to get that right, I’ll feel better. With or without symptoms.

Alan Gordon, in his Pain Recovery Program, here on the wiki, says, “Fear, pressure, and criticism activate our danger signals.”

As you can see, I have fear, pressure and criticism all at work freaking out my TMS brain. My lizard brain, my primitive brain doesn’t like it at all. Fire alarms going off right and left.

Thank you, my friends, for showing me the way. Every day is a journey toward the light. I am still filled with symptoms, but surprisingly, I’m thinking about them less and less. Or, at least I’m not catastrophizing as much as I used to. I’m starting to be somewhat happy just living—even though I’m pretty debilitated right now. C’est la vie!

 

Hi Diana,
Your story is relatable. I hope you don't mind if I share a few thoughts.

• Congratulations on what you've accomplished! You've done great.
• I don't think you should feel bad for having big goals and dreams. Even if you were doing them because of a compunction from family dynamics to prove yourself that's OK. Wanting to achieve and be successful seems to be a dirty word these days compared to in our generation.
• I still believe that goals are good. Humans are goal seeking mechanisms. I think the current generation is missing out by focusing too much on the present and not enough on where they want to go. But that's just my personal opinion.
• Your hands shutting down on you to prevent you from doing the very thing you are trying to do seems classic TMS. You and your subconscious need to have a good talk about how angry you are toward your dad about his fucking judgment (sorry, that was my subconscious popping in to talk to your subconscious) and how f- him that he thinks you're not good enough. Write that shit down!
• If you want to write another novel or adapt one you already wrote, go for it. Who cares what your parents think. They are dead and can't hurt you anymore. (sorry, that's my subconscious popping in again -- I have the same situation as you in regard to a judgmental parent.)
• Re: your identity. Yes, that's a toughie. I'm working on that one too. I think most of us as we hit retirement age looming we start to feel childhood feelings of failure bubble up for having to stop what we've done all our lives. How can you be and do something for 40 years and then suddenly not have to do it? Not have to try and continue to succeed? Our whole lives have been about succeeding at that thing, and now we can't? It's. Just. Over.
  
• It's not that hard to find out what your subconscious has to say. Get out a pen and paper and have at it. BE your subconscious.
• You don't have to change your entire outlook. That's your parents talking. Your current outlook isn't wrong. You can choose to focus on different things in your life if you want to, or you don't have to. That's the beauty of all of this! You get to chose what you want your outlook to be. There is no right or wrong.
• I have the same "need to achieve" -- and even though it causes some issues, it's who I am and I'm grateful for it too. I'm proud of myself for my achievements. Some of the things our parents did to/for us, caused us to be messed up, but they also caused us some good things, and frankly, that was their intention. They didn't mean to fuck us up, they meant to help us be the best we could be. And despite the bad part of that, it also created good parts. We can thank them for that, while also telling them (on paper) to fuck, fuck, fuck, off. (Booble's subconscious popping in again.)
  
  
  You are doing a great job! I hope you are enjoying the journey.

 

@Booble!
Thank you for your long thoughtful and edifying reply! I am eagerly taking it to heart, as I type this message to you on my phone with my still-usable thumbs.

Ok, I’ll “write that shit down!” And I had to smirk how you kicked off a good journal entry on my father.

When I get my hands back, I’m sure I’ll keep up with some dreams. It is good to have them. I promise. But I do want to try and stop being so mean to myself.

I have had some heart to hearts with my subconscious, but there’s a lot there. I can’t ever seem to get to the bottom of it!

I’m both happy you understand being raised with such high expectations, and sad you have had to feel the weight of it. But it seems you are rising above it! Inspiration for me! Thank you for your praise, encouragement and guidance. From the bottom of my heart.

 

I used to believe everyone else’s criticism of me. It eventually kept me from dreaming big. I spent a childhood being criticized because of learning disabilities, it wasn’t until I was in high school a few teachers finally told me what they suspected. It really wasn’t until recently, and with the help of @JanAtheCPA, I began choosing not only to disbelieve that crap, but to ditch folks who were currently making me feel bad about myself. Who needs that crap?!
Sometimes stuff we think isn’t true, but lots of stuff people spew at us isn’t true either.

 

I’m so glad you feel better about yourself. I love this forum and the growth and friendship it offers! It’s like TMS is the reason we got together, but it’s even bigger than that. I agree with the ditching folks who make us feel bad. I’m doing some of that myself.

 

Hi Dianna-M,

I am always interested to read about Inner Critic experiences and TMS.

I love you deciding that you didn't need to "get somewhere," that that is part of the personality, that urge to to more, be better and this is part of the personality patterns that got us into symptoms. I think this is true of the Inner Critic, and of the personality: That it is very helpful to simply see the patterns we indulge in and connect them with symptoms, without having to necessarily change or fight these inner patters.

I like your emphasis on understanding and growth. If you connect all your new understanding as the source of your symptoms this is great. I think when we emphasize growth and being kind to ourselves, and learning this is deeper level of work than getting too hung up on "getting rid of symptoms." That will happen, and nothing, in my experience, is more suffering than the inner hell realms we co-create. This inner work is where so much fruit can be, and it is fun for me to see your excitement.

Andy

 

Hi Andy,
Thanks for weighing in here. Yes! I agree. I feel this is a much bigger journey than just healing our bodies. It goes to a spiritual soul level. And that’s amazing, really. Life can be so much better in the end, when we learn from this difficult but exciting journey!

 

Yes. I also believed others' criticism of me. Mostly adults and also kids/teens friends when I was growing up. Until...until I took an IQ test, only a few years ago and I almost had a shock after seeing the results.

 

Thank you for sharing your story, Diana! I think it's wonderful how you've identified the pressures and self-criticism that are putting so much weight on your system. That's such an important step that many people never take!

Since you know these things now, perhaps it's time to "rewrite" your story? I know you said you're a writer who can't write - yet here you are writing your story for us. And you've had a long career as a writer. That is no easy feat. Maybe there are some ways you can reclaim your identity as writer by getting words on the page in alternate ways when your hands are saying "no" (dictation? audio recordings?). Or even exploring other modes of storytelling like painting, music, photography? And of course - remind yourself that your validity is NOT defined by productivity, financial success, output of words-per-day etc.

I'm wondering if you can delve down deeper into your "game plan" and see what lies at the heart of these dreams? For example, why do you dream of reporting for the Post? Why do you want to be a famous novelist? Why earn six figures? I think there's always something deeper beneath our dreams. Like a desire for respect, love, mastery, or security. Can you translate these dreams into goals that don't put so much unnecessary weight on your system? In what ways have you already experienced many aspects of these dreams?

 

@HappyLittleClouds,
Such wonderful suggestions! Yes, I am indeed writing for you here on my phone, with my thumbs! (They are cooperating.) So all is not lost. I love your suggestions to DIG DEEPER on my reasons for these goals. A very interesting assignment. And I accept the challenge! This is probably very significant in my TMS mystery. I’m going to work on that today.

I’m inspired by your healing and fortitude. So many people could gain hope from your story of going from bedridden to traveling the world. Thank you so much for your help and encouragement!

 

I love these questions, @HappyLittleClouds!

 

I came across this book and I immediately thought of you @Diana-M. I don't know whether it will appeal at all (not sure if it's too basic etc for a very experienced writer like you) but I just thought I'd mention it (on Amazon, the Kindle version has a sample from the book, but not so with the paperback) https://www.amazon.com/Step-Out-You...0YJZIG0I&revisionId=a61d31b3&format=1&depth=1 There's a bigger sample of it on google books in case it's of any interest https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=TEa-CQAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false (Step Out of Your Story) As you will see, it's about using one's writing skills to tell the story of one's own life as a therapeutic process.

What comes across to me in your postings is how kind, enthusiastic and encouraging you are to others. Made me wonder whether you would enjoy teaching your skills in journalism to others? (I don't know whether or not you could teach your skills on a platform such as YouTube or perhaps in a college.)

Also, with regard to those novels that you didn't sell, maybe you could consider self-publishing on Kindle?

 

@BloodMoon,
You are kind! Thank you for all of these great ideas! I will explore the book you recommend on writing my life for therapeutic purposes. That would sure give me a lot to work with! I have thought of both teaching and self-publishing. And perhaps, now while I’m not busy chasing my tail, I will find the time to try some new things.

This is a really weird thought I’ve had. Do you think it’s even possible our TMS brains have ulterior motives that are beyond keeping our rage from leaking to the surface?

 

Interesting! Yes, I believe I do. I think that our brains may sometimes be merely trying to steer us in the right direction. What kind of ulterior motives were you thinking of?

 

Like maybe I have the wrong goals and I need to quiet down and heal. And then see what else I should maybe be doing, self-publishing books or teaching, like you said. I’m so driven and crazed, I guess I’ve always been frantically pursuing a way to get more self-esteem. Now, my TMS brain has effectively hog-tied me and I have to think outside the box. @HappyLittleClouds even suggested above that I should explore why I had the goals I did, in the first place. These could be other clues. And I’m also not going to discount that some of the advice on this forum could be somewhat prophetic. You never know! (I do believe in God. So perhaps he’s talking through my symptoms, or you guys?) Now I’m really maybe getting off track. But I wonder sometimes!

And you know another thing? I have been doing some volunteer work for an online group I belong to, plus writing a lot on this wiki, trying to be of help, and it feels great! My symptoms even disappear when I’m doing the volunteer work. Maybe my brain knew this all along? Maybe it’s more than a lizard after all?

 

Well, this certainly ties in in with what I believe about the subconscious brain often steering us. Your symptoms disappearing when you do the volunteer work is absolute gold! I'd consider examining what it is that you like about the volunteer work, how it makes you feel and notice what else in your life gives you maybe a glimmer of the same kind of good feelings and see where the trail of those worthwhile 'bread crumbs' lead you.

 

You are so right! It is absolute gold, and I never thought of actually exploring why, but I should. Because obviously, it’s really a clue to my healing and peace.

 

You're welcome Diana! Just wanted to add a bit of my own story. When my condition took a severe downturn in 2017, I was working on an MA and planning to continue with a PhD and then hopefully a life in academia. My long period of disability forced me to rethink my dream of being a professor. I eventually realized that I was following this academic path because I've always been good at school and that was a way that I got affirmation growing up. So for me, academic and intellectual success = being loved. My illness forced me to examine whether that's really what I wanted though. I found out that my heart wasn't in what I was doing and I was burning myself out in the competitive atmosphere of academia. That sense of affirmation I got from academic success was very shallow - I barely could enjoy one success before I was moving onto the next one.

So I've left academia and completely shifted my career into a new direction, even though it comes with a lot of grief and stress. At least I'm working hard now in a direction that is much more aligned with what I really want, not just going by my programming of what "success" is supposed to mean. So I still have big dreams but I have reframed them. I try not to be too fixated on outward measures of success (getting a PhD, publishing a book, etc) but rather inward measures (learning new things, connecting with others, living aligned with my values, staying true to myself).

 

This is such a blessing! To have the opportunity to rearrange your life for the better. I can see the same thing in myself. I have always wanted a more creative life. And this might finally be my chance.

 

Dear @Diana-M , I have so many parallels to your situation! Harsh, critical parents, check. Dreams of a writing career that came to fruition in a rather different way, check. TMS getting in the damn way, even when I know full well what it is! Oh yes. And 59 years old this year and wondering what the ageing process means for me, and how much progress I can realistically make in my career and as a person - and for a writer, or any creative person, those two are inextricably linked!

You've given me a lot to think about, and I'll come back to this thread, but for the person wondering why the big dreams? I think my answer would be: because a stunning success would mean I am Good Enough - that it would be, at last, a convincer for the critical family and the naysayers... you want to reach a level of success that is irreproachable, unassailable Proof that yes, I am good at this and it is worthwhile!

And let me say, in my experience, that nothing would ever be enough for them! I had a weekly column in a couple of national newspapers... a book of stories published... won the short story competition for my country one year... and have several decades of work for the BBC behind me as a regular freelancer, adapting other people's work... And my parents (and, I hate to admit, my husband) have always said: I don't understand it, I found a typo, I didn't read it, it's not as good as the last one, it's not my kind of thing, I missed it can you tell me what happened... If I won a Nobel prize, my mother would say 'I didn't like the dress you wore to pick it up...'.

And all this, of course, chips away at you, even though you know it is stupid and mean and a Them problem... and it takes politician-levels of bombastic self-belief to continue writing, whereas creatives are a cohort that are, by nature, quiet, introspective and self-effacing... Conflicterama!

Anyway, thank you for setting me on this train of thinking, I'm sure it'll help me with the excavation process...