Angry about having to do TMS work

[zclesa]

I'm honestly pissed off about having to do "TMS work" at all. I have spent a lot of my life suffering, doing various therapies, working to try and ease that suffering.

I do not want to re-parent myself. I already had to parent myself as a child because my parents needed me to be the responsible one. I do not want to do "self-care". It is tiring. I do not want to have to spend time and money to heal the attachment disorder that I did not choose to develop.

I remember crying when I first passed that biological post of becoming a woman because I did not want to have to grow up. I cried when I had to leave secondary school as well. I found it all humungously icky and scary. I did not want even more responsibilities.

I hate the very word "routine". I hate being told I "should" do anything. I can not stick to a regular routine of meditation, journaling, doing a "program", or anything else.

Of course, I was the child who did my homework as soon as I got it. Whenever I have had a job, I have been the "perfect, never-take-a-break" worker. Now I am off sick and I still volunteer and put too much into it to not let others down. Doing that, and dealing with my symptoms, feels like a full-time job without having to do formal "healing". I am just sick of all of this and want to run away. Yet, I know my symptoms would just follow. They always do. ARRRGH!

I know exactly what I'm saying is ID stuff. Which is weird because my Superego is usually the one running the show. Is not finding a balance between them "resistance"? I don't know. I'm frustrated with all of this.

My symptoms were at my best when I was dancing every weekend during COVID and lying in the sun, or when I went on holiday with a friend. But, then, they have never gone away, and still take the enjoyment out of my life even when I am having fun. And I have no fulfillment in my life anymore, which has been crushing. I want to write again. I want to help people. I want to enjoy work again. But I'm not even capable of thinking straight (brain fog), looking at screens for long (migraine stuff), reading (blurry vision).

So I feel like I must do some proper work on this. But I'm just not motivated to because it all just feels like more BLOODY WORK. And I've had enough of it.

I have done counseling, 6 months of ISTDP therapy when I could afford it, 4 sessions of hypnotherapy, 6 sessions of EFT. Nothing has helped. It would probably help if I had seen some results, but any therapy I do seems to make my symptoms flare even worse or do nothing, which is horribly disappointing.

I'm so impatient. I do tend to stick with things that start showing results. I literally did DBT on myself years ago because I wasn't prepared to wait 1.5 years on a waiting list, so much so that by the time I got a therapist, they said I knew more than them about it.

Maybe just some hope would help motivate me, or a modality I found interesting or fun, or even tiny bits of incremental progress, but I just feel like nothing works and I'm running in circles. My whole body is buzzing with angry tingling right now.

Is there any fun way to do this work?

 

[miffybunny]

The wish to not have to work is a form of doubt and unfortunately no one can do this work for you. Having said that, I don't think you realize how much doubt you have and that's why all the jazz you listed isn't getting you anywhere. Deep down you harbor the belief that you are broken and dismantling that core false belief is the actual work in your case imo. All the emotional discovery and trauma integrating in the world cannot disabuse a person of doubt because it's a cognitive issue. You are going to have to be honest with yourself and decide you are actually fine and not in need of "healing". Once you commit to that belief, your response to symptoms will change, and the brain will stop perceiving danger at every turn. All of this "trying" and needing to "fix" and "heal" is not healing. It's just obsessing about healing. You're thinking about some kind of result without the belief that there's nothing wrong with you right now.

 

[Bonnard]

Hello @zclesa , This is fantastic--great stuff! Get in touch with the rage and feel it -- get it out. The rage against having to do the work, in this case. When you mention that "I feel like I must do some proper work on this," know that you're doing some of that important work right here/right now.

This is a great article about a woman getting in touch with her rage through what she calls 'rage-journaling' :
https://msmagazine.com/2022/02/12/chronic-pain-women-repressed-emotions-rage/ (To Lose My Chronic Pain, I Had to Find My Rage - Ms. Magazine)

This is another article worth reading that deals with anger, resentment, and frustration. There's a lot in here about the causes of anger, how chronic pain can then develop, and how gratitude and forgiveness can help:
https://mhnpc.com/2020/12/29/shift-from-anger-to-forgiveness/ (How to Shift from Anger to Forgiveness)

 

[Bonnard]

One other piece that comes up in the great post by @miffybunny above:
The "obsessing about healing" phrase.

It's possible to get into more formal practices and forms of therapy (you mention quite a few, including ISTDP therapy, hypnotherapy, EFT, and more) and stunt any progress we might make because of our obsession over results.
And, if we have that core belief that we are somehow damaged, sick, or broken, that will work against any progress we might make because it's buying into that mindset that there's something wrong with us and it's not really a mindbody/TMS issue.

 

[BloodMoon]

Hi @zclesa, I've sent you a pm.

 

[zclesa]

I sort of see what you mean, @miffybunny. I do 100% know there is nothing wrong with my body. But I suppose, I still think there is something wrong with me. *I* am the one nothing is working for. *I* am the one who can't do this journey right. *I* am the one who doesn't understand enough, will never have a breakthrough etc. These are definitely beliefs I have. I also think that maybe I've become too obsessed about what symptoms "mean". Like at the moment, I have a LOT of facial tension and am digging my tongue into my teeth and biting my lips. But what does it MEAN???

@Bonnard, I definitely feel like I am more drawn towards gratitude and forgiveness rather than getting stuck in the past. But then, part of me thinks am I then avoiding what I actually feel? I used to be a really negative thinker. I forced myself to become a positive thinker, and my life was so much better. But is that just avoiding reality? I don't know. Part of me thinks that I have "done something wrong" by changing myself to be more positive.

I had post-concussive syndrome for 1.5 years when I was in my early 20s. That went away and I didn't even notice it had gone until afterwards. What changed is that I got a job I loved. I NOW know that was TMS. I think it actually helped that I didn't know! I did have some days where I couldn't function and I took codeine if I was really bad or took the day off work. But ultimately, I didn't stop my life. I just made it better, and the symptoms went on their own.

In a way, it has been worse finding out about "TMS" and where all my trauma came from, because that was another reason to obsess. I actually got more scared reading all about C-PTSD and stuff.

Maybe rather than focusing on trauma, I should focus on what I want to do with my life now, and bringing more joy into it. Doing work that I genuinely enjoy and find fun, not as a way to cure symptoms, but just to take away the blocks to my happiness.

Thanks, @BloodMoon. I will take a look.

 

[Cactusflower]

“Maybe rather than focusing on trauma, I should focus on what I want to do with my life now, and bringing more joy into it. Doing work that I genuinely enjoy and find fun, not as a way to cure symptoms, but just to take away the blocks to my happiness.”

THIS!!

What you sprite above it, never feeling good enough - the work through this can be done by doing things you love and noting, over time where you feel inadequate or hard on yourself and begin to flip that script in your mind. You CAN do this work while you simply live your life. Journal about it when you want to, when you recognize the blocks come up and you want to process them. Then simply sit in the fact that these thoughts give you emotions, but the thoughts aren’t truths.
I too had a hard time with this and for me, some short term EMDR helped, but you could still do it on your own. Remember you don’t have to be perfect at this. You really just need to reset your brain and nervous system to realize that it can process all this stuff because it is just fine. EMDR helped me realize how my brain jumbles the weirdest stuff together..and slowly, over time it will now be able to figure out that processing everything is absolutely safe and fine. Your brain just thinks there is a fire where there isn’t one.

I’ve watched a few videos recently about hoe to build confidence in yourself and the work. One thing is to list your strengths and what you like about yourself, what you love about yourself. If you get stuck on this, ask a friend or relative to help you. You can also try journaling unsent letters (or send them!) to friends about their strengths and what you love about them.. this helps open the door to doing it for yourself.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

All of this resistance and doubt, @zclesa? It isn't you. This is just your brain on TMS.

 

[zclesa]

Thanks, @Cactusflower. I don't feel symptoms when I'm dancing. I don't notice symptoms when I am walking a dog. I don't feel it when doing yoga. I wrote a whole book when I had symptoms because I was enjoying writing it. I did a long walk along the cliffs at xmas and it was so beautiful, I felt fine. I never feel symptoms when I'm in a state of curiosity, excitement, gratitude, or flow.

I can feel anger when I trust someone, and I'm not "trying to feel anger".

So maybe I will just work on blocks like that; not trusting myself, others, and life, thinking I'm doing things wrong, not being sure of what I really want, forgiving myself and others. I was doing Ho'oponopono at night before, and I actually enjoyed that. I would send it to my inner child and everyone that has hurt me, and the universe in general. It made me sad in a "good way", kind of "tender".

@JantheCPA, I actually got "hung up" on resistance because I had 2 therapists tell me I was "resistant". Then, I blamed myself and told myself I was doing something wrong, yet again. Perhaps they didn't realise, I already had a superego thinking everything I ever did was wrong. I actually entered both therapies very optimistic, convinced that this would be the thing that would help me break through. Then they came in with the word "resistant", and I stopped doing them.

What is the opposite of resistance? FLOW.

I kind of think symptoms have always been telling me to take a break, be nicer to myself, move on from things that no longer serve me. If I look at when they have come up, it has always been at times of stress, me working too hard, being in terrible relationships, having unfair bosses. Obviously, hard things happen in life, and I don't expect it to be perfect, but my symptoms went away when things got better. So maybe it really is just about making your life better, whatever that means to you.

 

[julzibobz]

@zclesa I read your post twice to better understand it. You display a behaviour I am very familiar with: overanalysis. This leads to self criticism and what I call ‘not good enough-ness’. I think the cause of this may lie in something different than you think, however.

For example, you say you are resistant but I think you actually have done a lot of work already. So what is this resistance? Where is it coming from?

I would allege that it comes from not accepting your journey of life, and by extension, yourself.

You haven’t accepted your TMS, which in your view is synonymous with the trauma, which is synonymous somehow with things you’re unhappy with / broken dreams / frustration / grief around your lost years (it is helpful to verbalise this entanglement).
Your anger comes, I think, from a mountain of repressed grief, which is often the cause of resentment and resistance. It IS upsetting that your childhood was insufficient and you have developed problems as a result. It is upsetting that things haven’t always gone how you wanted them to. It is upsetting you suffered.

Perhaps it is useful to ask; Why is it that your life can only be valuable if symptoms are not present? Are you only a valuable person without pain? You do not need to remove the trauma to be complete, for you are complete just by being yourself.

And so really what you want is to find a state of equanimity with the symptoms, and to do so you must accept you are still dealing with this, accept your nervous system as it is in this very moment. Even if it is not how you would like it (this is challenging for us humans, as we do not like to look at what is uncomfortable).

I think only then can you find the peace to do the real deep ‘work’ for them to heal.

 

[zclesa]

@Juizbobz, thank you. I think I see what you're getting at, which is the same thing I think Miffybuffy was getting at. I'm not accepting myself as imperfect and being OK with that.

It is understandable that I am in pain, given how I was raised and all I have gone through, and all I have repressed. But I am unable to tolerate myself or my symptoms because I believe I need to be perfect and I "should not have this condition," which is the human condition after all.

Yes, I have increasingly been a person who needs to understand things. Being very smart and capable has been a mechanism of coping, and it has got me further than I should be in life given where I came from. BUT I do not feel proud of myself just for trying, only from achieving. I know where I learned that. And this is why this work is so hard, why I want to see just a glimmer of hope, a chance that I may be "getting it".

Interestingly, when I had post-concussive syndrome, I did just accept it. I also expected it to probably settle down eventually and got on with things. However, that was also kind of coming from a place of self-hatred. I had got it after a domestic violence incident. And I thought "well, this is just how it is." This is also why I have not felt angry about a lot of terrible things that happened in my life. I accepted them because I didn't expect anything else. Why would I expect a good life? I never had one and didn't deserve one.

I think learning too much about TMS, while interesting, has actually hindered me in healing it. Because there are too many rabbit holes to go down, something I'm also very "skilled" at. Go angry or go spiritual. Do this program or that program.

I certainly don't realise or "feel" how sad I am about my life. When I did ISTDP, I was so distrustful of the therapist, and he asked me if I'd had bad experiences before. I had. I'd been stuck in mental hospital when I was 19 after I tried to kill myself. There, I was further traumatised, misdiagnosed, blamed, and pathologised. I cried throughout most of that session; big, deep, sobbing tears.

Last time I saw my mother, I cried all the way home. I finally saw in-person, how her display of love was a weird fake thing, not real at all, something for show, a conspiracy almost. "Let's both pretend this is OK."

When I'm not with her, I still find it very surreal to accept that my mother was never who I thought she was. The denial and normalization was so deep. My dad minimised it all as well. And still does. I do know it, but it is hard to grieve because it still feels so very surreal.

"Why is it that your life can only be valuable if symptoms are not present?" I don't believe this. But being limited from doing things I love or enjoying them fully depresses me.

"Are you only a valuable person without pain?" No, again, I think it's more that I am allowing myself to be very frustrated by pain. I am still doing good things in the world, but this is not the life I want. The life I want is actually pretty simple. I don't need a lot of things. I just want to at least be able to work again doing something I enjoy.

I am actually a Buddhist. I read the 4 noble truths again a couple of days ago and saw how my struggling against symptoms was causing more suffering. I am quite good at all the other stuff, but Equanimity is a huge thing I struggle with. Don't all human beings? I have had some moments of Radical Acceptance in life that have been profound and changed everything for me. And that has also made me willing to do much-needed work I didn't want to do. It actually sparked HUGE motivation in me. But, I have not found the same with this. Yet.

I think a big obstacle to me getting on with life is that I quit my work when I was having symptoms because I felt I could not be present enough for my clients when I was having symptoms. Kind of true given the work I was doing, kind of perfectionist as well. And now, it's been so long that I don't even know what work I could do. I struggle very much with screens. I still struggle with public transport sometimes, dizziness when walking, insomnia. There are now so many barriers to returning to work. And then if I do work, I know I'm going to give too much of myself, as I have been doing with the voluntary work I've been doing.

Anyway, I'm rambling, thinking out loud. Thanks for your response.

 

[Tmswarrior32]

The wish to not have to work is a form of doubt and unfortunately no one can do this work for you. Having said that, I don't think you realize how much doubt you have and that's why all the jazz you listed isn't getting you anywhere. Deep down you harbor the belief that you are broken and dismantling that core false belief is the actual work in your case imo. All the emotional discovery and trauma integrating in the world cannot disabuse a person of doubt because it's a cognitive issue. You are going to have to be honest with yourself and decide you are actually fine and not in need of "healing". Once you commit to that belief, your response to symptoms will change, and the brain will stop perceiving danger at every turn. All of this "trying" and needing to "fix" and "heal" is not healing. It's just obsessing about healing. You're thinking about some kind of result without the belief that there's nothing wrong with you right now.

Wow thank you for that explanation because I feel the same way as the op! A lot of resistance about doing the work and pissed I have to do it thank you

 

[zclesa]

I don't know if this will help you @Tmswarrior32, but I just had a look at my core values. These are Creativity, Individuality, and Freedom, above all else. I simply do not enjoy doing things because everyone else tells me to do them that way. Making a "routine" out of journalling feels very stifling. I DID journal in the past because I wanted to. It was a way of expressing myself. It did end up in self-discovery. But not because I was rigorous with myself. I did it because it worked for me as an individual. Similarly, I was an alcoholic. I did not follow the 12 steps like most people do. I instead found recovery and empowerment through self-improvement methods and Buddhist teachings. I do not like strict formulas, or you "must do" this. I LIKE to find my own way, with a bit of help from others, of course, but I prefer a creative, individual, free-thinking approach. Something like exploring my dreams seems much more "my thing" than making myself sit down and do writing when I don't want to. I am appalling at maths and amazing at English. Should I continually do maths to solve my problems when English is what I enjoy and understand?

No-one here has the same path. Look at your core values and strengths to find out a way of doing the "work" that works for you. Do the work, we must. But we can do it in any way that works for us. Indeed, I have had some key insights just cleaning up my room or looking at my hot buttons when they come up in life rather than sitting down and doing something formal.