HannahBee
Newcomer
Great, Hannah!
Yeah, it's hard to know exactly why we feel what we feel. Sometimes I'm right about the reason for my emotions and sometimes I'm way off. lol
Loving one's self is one things, but there's the balance of also loving someone else unconditionally like you're curious about. Loving others unconditionally should be a natural byproduct of loving one's self. But honestly, I think you're on yo something when you mention that you're alone in a self-imposed solitary position. You said you have a lot of pets, too, I think. Usually, people who've been through abuse at a young age don't like being around others too long (creates anxiety) and often bond with pets more than people because pets are safe--pets won't leave or hurt their owner usually. I'm not saying you were abused or anything like that, just pointing out that parts of your behavior seem similar to an abuse victim, so you might explore that and see if there is something hat really hurt you that you could heal eventually. Having a mate can help things like that surface, and not in a pretty way. LOL But it is helpful if we deal with it in a healthy way.
Some of the things you described were a little differently described than what I described, so who knows how close the behaviors are. I'm not asking you to explore anything private in public here. And heck, you may not have anything in you past like I described. I just want to make sure you don't feel like you were just accused of something due to my statement in this post. I'm merely trying to give you ideas to explore if you think they sound useful, but my guess is that you already know what you need to explore. You sound very self-aware.
Thanks so much for sharing so openly!
Thanks Brian! I definitely don't feel accused, and you bring up some very interesting and surprising points, which, along with this Presence Process, brought up some interesting memories.
Weird, but my first instinct/response was to say I hadn't experienced anything particularly traumatic, but then started to look back over things and was almost surprised to see the 'list' - two of my older siblings were physically/emotionally abused by our father, (my third sibling I and were too young, and were not targets) before our mother left with us; I was born with a kidney/bladder defect that required surgery at the age of three, so was often sick with bladder infections/high fevers before being diagnosed, and underwent a number of uncomfortable and invasive tests before and after that involved being restrained; I was involved in a sexual assault (not rape, just attempted) at the age of 20 that ended up going to trail; later that same year, I got run over by a dump truck that left me with extensive injury and scarring to my leg.
I'm not sure why I hadn't considered these events to be traumatic. I think I assume that because I've dealt with them, and am not actively struggling with them, then they are 'done'. I have always been able to face things and move past them, and I can see that there has been a payoff of praise for being 'strong' and cooperative and a 'good girl'. But I've also always been genuinely optimistic and able to look for and find the good in all situations. I don't feel traumatized by these events, and I've never identified myself as a victim. Outside of these isolated events, my life has been great, and I've had many wonderful, positive experiences.
But there are these niggling traits and behaviours that have kind of followed me all my life (those you described), and I have such a block that I've never been able to understand regarding feeling comfortable in an intimate relationship. I just assumed I was not very good at being vulnerable and loving, and that perhaps it just wasn't in the cards for me. Lately, I've been thinking that I would really like to try having a relationship again, but the thought always comes with a deep resistance/fear - I know I must be holding onto something that I'm not consciously aware of. But it's always felt like such a tangle of events and possible reasons that I couldn't even begin to figure it all out.
That's why this Presence Process really feels right. I don't need to know or revisit or dig up or endlessly journal about old memories of past events in order to process and integrate them - I can just allow the feelings and emotions to arise, love and accept them as they come, and move forward. That makes so much sense. And the body work of Peter Levine seems like it would be a great complement to the process.
Week three has begun with a welcome relief from that weird and intense feeling of loneliness and unidentifiable longing/need - I'm a little apprehensive but also kind of looking forward to seeing what the next opportunity for release will be! It's just like Michael Singer says in his book The Untethered Soul... he calls the pain and heat of the arising emotions the 'cleansing of the heart', and says we will learn to enjoy the feeling because we understand that we are permanently releasing/integrating that pain once and for all. Each little piece of fire and heat we allow and let go of is one less blockage in our hearts.
I say bring it on!
Thanks again for listening, sharing your feedback and observations, and allowing me to dangle all this personal stuff out there.
