Discussion in 'Community Off Topic' started by BrianC, Jul 14, 2014.
Thanks for sharing Brian.
Hello Everyone. This is my first time posting. I started the PP for the first time 5 days ago. My mind is racing with anxiety during the breathing and what seems like all day. I had a couple of work parties and drank. Woke up this morning with a really weird respiratory situation ( I've been a pack a day smoker for 20 years). I'm going to get the patch and quit cigarettes. I was not prepared for the level of fear that's coming up-fear I already have lung cancer, I'll surely die, etc... Any suggestions out there? I fell off the breathing for a day and like I said, drank alcohol. Do I just pick up where I left off and get back on the process? Is this stuff normal? Does it get better? I'm wondering if I'm experiencing a drudging up of years and years of stifled fear? Any insight would be much appreciated.
Glad to have you here! Thanks for sharing!
Your symptoms sound exactly like what happens to a lot of people who do TPP. If your life gets worse emotionally, then TPP is doing its job, and that's a good sign! Hang in there.
The whole point of TPP is to condition us into feeling our emotions and loving them unconditionally so that we don't react to them. The more we do that, the more likely they are to integrate, eventually.
Even if a person weren't able to integrate their emotional dysfunctions that cause their harmful habits and behaviors, they'd at least be conditioned not to react to their dysfunctioning emotions anymore with those harmful habits and behaviors, so that's pretty good progress in and of itself. So TPP is pretty useful for helping a person stop their habits that repress dysfunctioning emotions.
Yeah, I'd guess that you're drudging up a lot of repressed fear. That's most likely why you smoked a pack a day, constantly repressing it. Now that you're attempting to bring out the repressed fear, it's coming out and you're getting a taste for what it feels like.
Honestly, I think fear is pretty easy to sit with and enjoy. Don't forget that it's just a feeling and it's not going to kill you. In fact, it's there to help you identify an imbalance inside that needs to be loved unconditionally so it can be corrected. At least, that's how I look at uncomfortable (dysfunctioning) emotions.
Yes, just pick back up with the process as if you skipped that day where you drank. You can do the process if you're a smoker, I think, but if you're an alcoholic, you have to be fully off of alcohol before you start the process. TPP recommends something like AA to get sober first. Cigarettes, on the other hand, aren't quite as problematic as alcohol. It would be your second PP that you'd want to attempt to stop smoking, but if you can do it during your first PP, then that'd be pretty cool. Some people choose to get rid of addictions on their first PP, others on their second. Just depends. MB says to space out the addiction. Put more length between uses of the addiction until you're barely doing it anymore...and then you just stop doing it naturally. It allows the emotions to surface that need to be integrated. When they're integrated, you don't have nearly as much of a drive to do the addiction anymore.
Sounds like you're doing well, man. Stay on your original schedule because the process was started on that schedule. No big deal that you missed one day. Happens sometimes. It won't mess up anything.
Good luck! I look forward to hearing more of your experiences with TPP!
Hi - thanks for all the posts here and esp. to Brian for the encouraging words you have for everyone who posts. I discovered this discussion thread shortly after I began the 10 week experiential TPP and appreciated reading things here about TPP. (Google search by the way... was unfamiliar with TMS and eventually looked it up ...)
Anyway, I checked back and read some recent posts as I started the second 10 weeks, and finally I am moved to share ... mostly because the second 10 weeks has taken a lot more determination for me to do than the first. My resistance to the daily breathing was pretty strong for a few days and I am noticing ... that there is still a huge part of me wanting to "feel better" and afraid that "getting better at feeling" will not be enough. "Not enough" has been a resounding experience/story for me.
I began week five yesterday. My first response to the Conscious Response (I am innocent) was "no!". Resistance to saying that CR struck such a deep chord and seemed so "solid" that I realized (and pray) that the process is most likely working at deep unconscious and semi-conscious levels. The first time in week five was much more gentle, I opened up to my innocence and felt some uplift and interest in that truth ... hopeful. This time it feels like the "not" response is centered in a fear of feeling all the energy that seems like the story of despair, loneliness, abandonment and not enough (a motherlode of the trinity of fear, grief and anger). I touched a bit of this deep feeling in the later half of the first round ... but it "feels" more intense this time around. Crikey!
Some other experiences first time through the 10 week process included lots of numbness in my head during breathing (especially in the first week), it was like a massive "ice cream headache freeze" in various parts of my head. The sensation was so intense that I did a google search (and found this thread). Then my experience right after the breath session was a sense of well being and I could feel the breath moving up and down my spine. There was such a mix of strong sensations, during and after, good and foreign, that I was happy to "stick with it" (and became determined to do TPP at least three times through with a 3 week break inbetween as suggested). Week by week, I enjoyed noticing things, feelings etc. and became filled with growing enthusiasm for TPP. Other notable moments were just "feeling" present and a sense of happiness and hope that things would continue to shift and the sense of well being or "feeling better" would grow - yep that is still there.
So, as mentioned, second 10 weeks is taking a lot more "will" to do and I am finding it harder to feel encouraged ... the big sensations and shifts in first 10 weeks I think kept me more "excited"to be doing TPP. Yet, as I review the big picture, I am grateful for being able carry on and find my will to keep it up. After years of "working at fixing myself" I do feel the TPP way of integration is much more true.
Hey, good to have you here. Thanks so much for sharing your experience!
Sounds like your first PP took care of one layer of issues, but the second PP is getting much deeper, more difficult issues. That's a good sign. My second PP was more difficult, too, because I felt myself heart bracing for impact, scared to feel painful emotions for some reason, kind of like you expressed. But it seemed to go well.
If you feel the sensation that you're not innocent, that comes from a subconscious (or conscious) standard and your judgments that result from it. We cannot be guilty if anything when there is no standard by which to judge us. Perfectionists definitely have a huge problem with this because they place their self-worth completely in their ability to measure up to their standards and beat others and perform tasks perfectly. It's a miserable existence because it means they can never truly accept their self. One doesn't have to be a perfectionist to feel that way, though. The standard and judgment is still the culprit.
This is where I fall back to what the Bible has to say about judgment. Jesus said do not judge, and Paul went even deeper and said, "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial." So Paul's statement removed all standards since everything is permissible, and Jesus' statement displayed the product of removing all standards--no way to judge people. Unconditional love is all about unconditional acceptance, which means everything must be allowed. That doesn't mean we should do everything, though, if course. We just need to be consciously aware of what's beneficial to others and us and what's not. If we don't judge our self, we're loving our self unconditionally, and then we'll naturally love others that way, too, because how we love others is how we love our self. It's why Jesus said the most important things to do is love God and love our neighbor as our self. We have to know God to truly know unconditional love, then we have to use it on our self. Pretty simple, but they're two of the most difficult things to do in life.
Looking forward to hearing more of your experiences and progress! Thanks and Welcome!
It was good to receive your reply Brian and I am happy to hear your reflections. Thank you!
Yes, the heart bracing for impact resonates with me! The truth of that is also encouraging; I had a heart moment awareness during the breathing a while back. It came from noticing that I was feeling disconnected (mostly likely bracing) at times, during the breathing. I thought to myself I am not "in" the breathing and was wondering "hey, how is this suppose to help with present moment awareness?... lol". Then, without thinking about it, I just started being with my heart, and this led to consciously settling into my being and feeling more present as I breathed.
Just about to start my first round of PP. Someone mentioned it on the TMS chat session yesterday and I have been reading the introductory chspters today. It really resonated so I figured it might help with the pesky TMS symptoms (well I am 99% convinced that they are TMS related
Just been reading through much of this thread and had to give a bog thanks to @BrianC for doing such an amazing job of sharing his experiences with PP and for his caring help with others on this journey. Big thanks Brian!
Hi, Eugene! Great to have you in the thread. Lots of people have great experiences they've shared here. I think you'll find them all useful as you do yout first PP.
Can't wait to hear your experiences with PP! Feel free to ask questions as you go through it. And remember, if you feel awful as you start doing it, that means it's working.
Hi Brian, hi all!
Great to hear that this thread is going strong and that lots of new people are starting TPP, I definitely identify with a lot of what has been shared.
I'm well and have cleared 90 days sobriety on my process addiction, which I'm pleased about. Essentially, acting out occasionally on my addiction was halting my progress with emotional integration, and this became particularly clear to me on my last pass through TPP at the start of this year.
Now that I have a stable sobriety I'm intending to start consciously breathing again to bring up and pass through some more difficult emotions. I won't be passing through another PP but I will start a breathing practice along the lines of the 'Parting Gift' exercise that can be found at the end of the book. (Btw the reason for not completing another PP is that I've done it a few times now and I want to ensure that I'm not waiting for a process to end before I start taking action and start making decisions etc.)
So really I'm just here to provide an update, to wish everyone well and to set an intention to start a breathing practice. I'll let you know how it goes..
Great to hear from you and congratulations on your sobriety! That's a huge step!
Looking forward to hearing about your future experiences!
Almost on to day 1. It has taken me a couple of days to get through all that introductory stuff, but there has definitely been some ah-ha moments during that.
As someone who has meditated quite a lot already I will be interested to see how the focus on the continuous breath (i.e. without the pauses) helps in terms of being in the moment. I can see why it could work.
Hopefully I will get started on day 1 tomorrow. If I do I shall let you know how it goes.
Great! Good luck!
Has anyone here experienced death of a loved one during TPP?
I'm on week 6 of my 3rd go at the Process. My father died, unexpectedly, from a heart attack during the third week in July.
The first two experiences with the Process helped me tremendously with anxiety and dismantling the abusive inner monologue. This one is the toughest yet, not in terms of what I'm feeling (numb/ fear of becoming flooded with pain), but in terms of what my outer experience is like. TPP was a blessing that way. It helped me grow and mature emotionally.
My intention for this 3rd experience of TPP was learning to love again.
Having buried Dad and going into grieving, I can feel that 'heart preparing for a blow' thing you talked about earlier. I'm not in denial about his physical passing, we had a loving relationship and I'm not craving closure nor am I feeling left behind, I feel him close.
But, I'm pretty numb. Number than usual during TPP. I was mostly experiencing fear (shame?) of breaking down and becoming flooded with emotion in public. Also, old heartbreak is rising to the surface, old painful memories of broken relationships, it's like I don't get to experience losing my dad just yet. It's as if I have to deal with the experience of 'being abandoned by men' before I get to truly delve into what my father meant to me and how I conceptualize his loss.
I was wondering, has anyone had experience with grieving and TPP? Focusing on feeling seems difficult right now. I'm struggling with staying present... so at times I wonder will TPP 'work' as efficiently while in mourning.
I realize every experience is valid and different and I have faith in the wisdom of the body and the Presence which is guiding me through all of this. Guess I thought maybe someone went through something similar.
Thanks for all the info and all the experiences shared here...
Welcome, and thanks for sharing your experience. Glad to have you hear.
My experience with death during TPP won't help you because the family member who died wasn't that close to me. Also, I've studied near-death experiences, so I have a pretty good idea of how awesome the afterlife is. So I couldn't help but be happy for the person. They were old and in a lot of pain for a long time before they died, too, so it was good that they passed.
Your situation is very different, but I can still give insight.
The reason you're having old relationship issues surface is because we date or marry a person who is like one of our parents, and we're attempting to please that other person to get their love because subconsciously, we're trying to get our parent's love. Usually, it's our father's love because men are typically the authority in the relationship.
A less obvious reason is that we relate to God, subconsciously, the same way we relate to our parents or our father. Our parents are responsible for our first impression of a "higher power" because they feed us, clothe us, keep us alive. They are our higher power at first. So how they treat us is how we will subconsciously believe the ultimate Higher Power treats us. So when we marry, we're attempting to get God's love, as well.
But what most people don't understand is that none of those things are what they actually want. What everyone is actually seeking is to love their self unconditionally. If we love our self unconditionally, then we'll accept God's love and everyone else's. We will feel content and at peace. We will no longer seek to get people or God to love us because we'll see that it's not necessary and we no longer desire those things. And we'll know we have God's love anyway, so it's pointless to try to get it.
Everything falls into place if we love our self unconditionally.
You're experiencing situations that should trigger loss in you, but you're numb. So you fear feeling loss. TPP is all about feeling loss. Accepting grief is the beginning of integration. I enjoy feeling grief, but I don't fear losing much and I know God hasn't planned out major losses for me anytime soon. Grief/sadness feels great. Fear feels good too. Light anger feels very cool. Heavy anger is the only emotion that's not pleasant. It's tough. But the more you integrate, the less anger will be present because anger is a secondary emotion that comes out so you don't have to feel grief or fear.
It's likely that you get your love from outside of yourself instead of from within. And that starts with your father. Losing him means losing a major source of your love, which means you're subconscious is choosing to feel numb so it doesn't have to feel the loss of someone whom you were getting your love from. Love should come from within, so we must learn to love our self or we will always be seeking love from others instead and/or repressing our lack of love.
Hope that help you sort through this. Good luck. Let us know how things go.
Thank you kindly for your thoughtful response.
It's so helpful getting another perspective on a situation that's difficult to step back from and observe. Your reply resonated deeply and I completely agree with all of your points. Looking forward to the day when I'll be able to experience the so called 'difficult' emotions with the same ease and stoicism as you do.
My experiences with TPP have already been life changing (and life affirming). TPP has basically helped me put into practice and experientially confirm all I believed in. This is the first genuine loss I have encountered since I discovered TPP and trusting the process is a bit difficult at the moment because the mental, egoic 'doing' part of me gets whipped up about 'grieving right' and doing TPP right while fearing the intensity of emotion.
I sense that I fear myself the most. I'm the one I fear and want love from. Some of the experiences I had during the years have already shown me how much love and unity flows into our life when we turn inward and sit with ourselves/God. I pray for patience mostly.
Thanks again for taking the time and for the reminder to trust both myself and God and surrender in order to release. For the umpteenth time, it's useful to remember how much of this inner work is 'not about doing, but about feeling'.
I've been fascinated with near death experiences ever since childhood, my father had a lot of literature on the subject (dr Raymond Moody in particular) and I have a lot of curiosity regarding the afterlife. I've never felt less lonely than the night of his death. He 'feels' young and happy nowadays. In a way he prepared me for his passing and I'm grateful for the lifetime we shared in this form.
What do you mean when you say he feels young and happy nowadays?
I perceive/feel him that way now, in his current state, wherever and however he might be. As happy and young (saw him in a dream, he was laughing joyously) up to a point where I don't quite recognize him in his latest photos. It doesn't feel right to see him in an old body, you know? Well, he always had quite a boyish vibe to me. Ever since he died I sense him as part of my inner presence, in my heart center. Sorry for the ramble...
You're not rambling. That's an interesting way to sense him. If you ever feel that his spirit may actually be attached to you in some way, you'll probably want to take measures to disconnect it. That happens sometimes, but I don't suspect it in your case.
Good point, thanks. I'll see how it goes. So far I don't suspect it either. Mostly because it feels completely natural, very soft and unintrusive and it's fading progressively, like I'm integrating his memory so to speak.
The numbness is the only part that feels off to me but I'll give myself time to face the fear and go past it.
Thanks for the recent sharing...
I came today with a specific question to post, but wanted to begin with acknowledging Dub's post about your father's passing ...
Dub - it moved me to hear about your situation and I hope things are going well. I can only imagine what that might be like to be doing this presence process with such a major transition going on. It was encouraging to hear you had a good relationship with him.
Your posts were also a mess-ender for me .... it brought up feeling and emotional fuel as I have LOTS of un-integrated emotions with my dad (who passed 10 years ago). We did not have a clear relationship. The good news is when I read your experience, I got to "be with" a bit of my feelings instead of the old (mental) longing.
My (mostly) unrelated question is about how folks handle triggering moments and about doing emotional integration procedure.
For example, I just received an email from someone who stimulates a lot of feelings and disruption inside. They asked me for some specific information, but it came with such loaded languaging, that I don't even want to reply. I just "blink" and freeze. Then to my mind says, "just reply! This person is returning money she owes you. Don't get stuck in your feeling! "
Then it comes to me to use the TPP tool called emotional integration procedure .... and I can "feel unconditionally" for a few seconds at a time. My mind takes over and I shutdown, and then trying to distance myself it.
So my practical question is "how to handle the email and the feelings". I seem to feel like they are interlocking and until I can get through all the feelings, I can't send the email - but th feelings are deep and easily overwhelming. Or if I just "do it" send the email, I'm just stuffing the anger and sadness. My guess is there is a middle way, would love to hear if others have experienced similar events and how they approach things like this.
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