"The Minor Fall, and the Major Lift": A Cellist’s Complete Recovery from Tendonitis after Six Years

[fifthsuite]

Not being a musician, being completely ignorant about the technical side of music making and not noticing any mistakes or liberties, I am glad you asked so I can throw my humble two cents in: I am fully in the emotional camp with Maisky and incomparable Jacqueline DuPre. Bylsma is quite amazing in how beautifully he seems to hang the sound in suspension, but I found Wispelwey somewhat calculating and dry. Somebody said that the best of music is between the notes, and that's were the emotions are probably hiding :=).

One of Maisky's great strengths is his ability to pull some incredibly improbable fingerings and bowings. What I never noticed as a kid - and what's not as evident without video - is his propensity to reinterpret Bach's musical suggestions - and make them sound right. For example, the Gigue of the Fourth Suite - he plays much of the opening in the middle of the low strings! Who else does that!? Even the most earnest romantic might blush to use the cello's throatiest, most bass-like register for Bach. Witness him unabashedly bellow the prayer that is the Fifth's Suite's Sarabande, probably the single most revered movement in the entire cello literature. How about the First Suite, where he slurs a figure that almost everyone else would play as 3+1? But again - his emotional gravity makes it right.

Keep listening to the Wispelwey. One day you will understand it.

 

[mbo]

Hi,
You could/should forget the classic concept RSI , save just the R, and adopt the correct acronym RSP, for Repetitive Stress Pain.
For sure: your pain is not consequence of an injury produced by strain, exertion or overdoing. Your pain is derivated from your (emotional!) stress and psychological tension: the perfect fuel for rage, rage against situations and/or PEOPLE very close to you (family, job, society), perhaps much beloved PEOPLE, very crucial and relevant in your life, rage or anger that you repress unconsciously, rage unfelt --thanks to your protective brain-- in order to avoid much very painful feelings of guilt, shame and misery.
Right now you are pressing, unvoluntary and simultaneously, the accelerator and the brake of your automatic car (your life). You hear the engine roaring ...but you are always in the same place: persistent pain.
Please look at " your feet " !
Be aware of your menacing, incorrect, negative, unconscious emotions trying to become unbearable, dangerous, conscious feelings.
M.

stuck car = persistent TMS pain

 

[fifthsuite]

@mbo What a great graphic. I found myself suppressing a lot of anger over the last two days. My neighbor loves his subwoofer, and my wall likes to dance along to his 6-hour-a-day (I'm not kidding) soundtrack of war movies, Marvel Cinematic Universe, and football. Sometimes I can't hear myself when I'm playing cello (and I play very loud). I've been watching my feelings fight each other. My superego and ego are so powerful that I can tell myself to forgive all day, but nonetheless what I really want to do - to put it politely - and take down the wall between us and re-enact one of those war movies he's so fond of. There probably wouldn't be as much bass, though.

Anyways, my work on knowing my rage continues. Just wanted to point out that you can fully recover from your symptoms but still have unprocessed emotions.

 

[mbo]

Yet one more visual metaphor about TMS pain.



Please don't forget:
pain comes from danger, danger comes from (unnaceptable, menacing, unbearable, embarrassing, unconscious, unfelt) RAGE

 

[mbo]

and .....

 

[mbo]

V. Coda

Life doesn't like perfect endings. I still get random jolts and stiffness, like static discharge from a passing thunderstorm. My throat often feels dry, even when I haven't been talking. Sometimes I wonder if I should cut my evening walks short. But I know now these are simply emotional residue, mild symptoms of some feeling inside I simply need to attend to. I am completely healed.

It is poetic, and entirely unplanned, that I came to this revelation on New Year's Eve, on the cusp of thirty years of age, playing the very Prelude to the Fifth Suite I'd seemingly extinguished myself on six years ago. Bach's music abounds with pungently unexpected chord changes, but his music is so canonized, so often played, that these twists can feel rather familiar.

Yet this Prelude – the longest and most ambitious, in its fugal writing, of any movement in the Cello Suites – always surprises me. After five pages and 222 measures of gothic C minor – the key of tragedy, of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony – we end on an abrupt, unprepared C major chord. We are left blinking in the sun. No matter how often I play it, I never anticipate it or feel ready. Or that I deserve it. The music – a taut, pompous, possessed maze of darkness – doesn't ask for redemption.

But we get it anyway.

Hi fifthsuite, congrats for your recovery..... and enjoy !
https://www.thestrad.com/playing-an...5-prelude-by-jean-guihen-queyras/9808.article

 

[Rainstorm B]

V. Coda

Life doesn't like perfect endings. I still get random jolts and stiffness, like static discharge from a passing thunderstorm. My throat often feels dry, even when I haven't been talking. Sometimes I wonder if I should cut my evening walks short. But I know now these are simply emotional residue, mild symptoms of some feeling inside I simply need to attend to. I am completely healed.

It is poetic, and entirely unplanned, that I came to this revelation on New Year's Eve, on the cusp of thirty years of age, playing the very Prelude to the Fifth Suite I'd seemingly extinguished myself on six years ago. Bach's music abounds with pungently unexpected chord changes, but his music is so canonized, so often played, that these twists can feel rather familiar.

Yet this Prelude – the longest and most ambitious, in its fugal writing, of any movement in the Cello Suites – always surprises me. After five pages and 222 measures of gothic C minor – the key of tragedy, of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony – we end on an abrupt, unprepared C major chord. We are left blinking in the sun. No matter how often I play it, I never anticipate it or feel ready. Or that I deserve it. The music – a taut, pompous, possessed maze of darkness – doesn't ask for redemption.

But we get it anyway.

Thank you for writing such a beautiful, feeling provoking and hopeful success story. Much here to savour as I prepare to dive headlong back into the necessary work after too long chasing phantoms. Again...
Being able to really feel music the way I used to when I listen is something I so long for.

Congratulations on your hard-won recovery and thanks again for so eloquently sharing your journey.

 

[fifthsuite]

Thank you for writing such a beautiful, feeling provoking and hopeful success story. Much here to savour as I prepare to dive headlong back into the necessary work after too long chasing phantoms. Again...
Being able to really feel music the way I used to when I listen is something I so long for.

Congratulations on your hard-won recovery and thanks again for so eloquently sharing your journey.

Thank you! I am glad you were able to connect with my story. I feel that - I'd done the work, then left it, and that left a window for the old doubts to start creeping in. Every week, that window got a little bigger, and then I was back in Sarnoland again. I always remember that whatever long-term regimen we choose - journaling, movement, meditation, etc. - is not really about releasing pain so much as it is about loving and freeing ourselves.

 

[TG957]

Thank you! I am glad you were able to connect with my story. I feel that - I'd done the work, then left it, and that left a window for the old doubts to start creeping in. Every week, that window got a little bigger, and then I was back in Sarnoland again. I always remember that whatever long-term regimen we choose - journaling, movement, meditation, etc. - is not really about releasing pain so much as it is about loving and freeing ourselves.

This is very true.

As someone who has been mostly pain-free for 4 years, I can testify that we can't walk away from who we are, and it is who we are that got us in pain in the first place. I get into my old way of thinking and feeling every now and then, and symptoms catch up with me, very mildly at start, but then they start growing if left unattended.

It takes effort to maintain oneself in a happy state. Being able to find our true selves, free, brave and loved, takes work and constant reminders about who we truly are underneath the traumas of later life.

 

[fifthsuite]

@TG957 When I was younger, I was happy. My happiness was deep, yet naïve and uncomplicated.

I grew up. Others hurt me, and I hurt myself. I blamed the world for making me unhappy.

If only I could go back to the place I was before. I was so pure and beautiful.

Why did things have to change? Being happy didn't use to be work.

***

But there is no past, and there is no future. We are only here now. Now is a long time.

There is no objective world, no reality that we can truly know and feel except the one we are always creating or disturbing by observing it.

Measure a particle's momentum, and its position is less certain, and vice versa.

***

We have the power to integrate anything into our profound, loving experience of this fragile and remarkable world.

My belief makes this true for me.

Believing something beautiful in a complicated world means we will sometimes be let down.

Better than believing in the abyss and always being right.

***

Pain is another reminder, not only that I have some deep feeling to spend loving time with, but also that I am alive.

The only way not to feel pain is not to live.

I am resolved to live while I am alive.

 

[Balsa11]

I can't handle the pain. I can handle passing discomfort. I failed because the pain. I wallowed and fed poor habits to the point of burned outofragility. I lost years of health, learning, and relationships because of the pain. I want to make the most of every opportunity I have without any wasted energy spent on repression. I just want to be unstoppable and hardy while still being able to feel. Happiness should not have to take more work- unhappiness means more work. TMS means more work instead of time that could have been enjoyed. What's uncertain is uncertainty, but there is no way seeing the beauty in the world means letting yourself down. Find a way to get back up, happier if you can't do it faster. Wiser, but never ok with pain. Try to beat me, TMS, after all you've stolen from me, I will "win"back self-control and self-satisfaction.

"We have the power to integrate anything into our profound, loving experience of this fragile and remarkable world."

This is the only power we can rely on for the rest of our lives. It's sad people have to sometimes "lose" the material game of society's approval, from popularity to even money, just to win at life. People shouldn't have to choose between the hedonic treadmill and the abyss of uncertainty, they must forge a way to light, truth, prosperity, and abundance for themselves and their communities.

 

[Balsa11]

This is very true.

As someone who has been mostly pain-free for 4 years, I can testify that we can't walk away from who we are, and it is who we are that got us in pain in the first place. I get into my old way of thinking and feeling every now and then, and symptoms catch up with me, very mildly at start, but then they start growing if left unattended.

It takes effort to maintain oneself in a happy state. Being able to find our true selves, free, brave and loved, takes work and constant reminders about who we truly are underneath the traumas of later life.

Sometimes we spend too much time on the bad stuff and too little on getting exposure to the good stuff. The true self is unearthed again and again after washing off the "dirt" of the mistakes and problems of past experiences.

 

[Mark1122]

@Mark1122 So I want you to do something for me. You say you can't handle more than 5 minutes on a PC or phone.

Get a calendar. There are free ones you can print out online. Tape it to your wall where you'll see it every day.

Set a timer for 5 minutes. Log into your computer. I'd like you to do whatever you want, something you enjoy perhaps - playing a game, typing a Facebook message, writing a story. You can just type gibberish too. Stop when the timer goes off.

Do this for a week. Every day you do it, mark an X on your calendar. It's not a big deal if you miss a day, but never miss more than one in a row.

Next week, set the timer for 6 minutes. Mark the calendar every day.

Next week, set the timer for 7 minutes. Mark the calendar every day.

Next week, set the timer for 8 minutes. Mark the calendar every day.

Next week, set the timer for 9 minutes. Mark the calendar every day.

When you get to 10 minutes a day, and you keep it up for a whole week, reply to this thread or send me a private message. Share a picture of your calendar.

If your symptoms haven't changed or diminished at all, I'll admit I was wrong, send you $20 via Venmo, and you can go on believing you're irrepairably broken. Just like everyone else on here before they found what worked for them.

But something tells me I'm going to keep my $20.

Thanks. THe thing is i get it with all kinds of activity, mobile is probably even worse than pc. And we use mobiles for everything.. I dont know how i can do that for only 5 minutes a day. But i can try with my pc.

I have been working on myself last 6 months for my 11 year long addictions. So i am finally focusing on other stuff, pain doenst change much in the right way yet. I have been clean 6 months now but its hard because of how i feel. Depressed and in pain, seems the pain causes depression or some kind of vicious circle,

 

[Mark1122]

Mark, I remember your posts from years back. They drip with fear and a preconceived notion that whatever you do, your pain would return. Whenever you tried to resume your activity, your fear overcame you and pushed you back to square one. This is where your problem is. Heart and exhaustion symptoms are not RSI symptoms, they are anxiety symptoms.

I worked with the woman who kept telling me that heart palpitations and fatigue are symptoms of CRPS and typical for CRPS patients - until one day she noticed that meditation made them stop for few minutes, and then for one hour, and then for two hours. She is now pretty much pain and anxiety free. When symptoms return, she knows what to do, and gets them under control quickly.

If I were you, I would focus on anxiety and fear. @fifthsuite is offering you a great method to fight your fear. I would also try visualization technique which I use to get over my fear of heights: I replay the scary portion of the experience (mountain trail in my case) in my mind, time and over, before attempting it. It desensitizes my nervous system. But nothing works better than meditation done right and persistently.

Yes ive been around here for some years now. I know using isnt an option anymore so lately i think a lot about suicide because im limited and feel tired, painful etc.

I am working on my psychological problems now as well tho. Pain doesnt get better yet. I am still anxious though my antidepressant covers it somewhat. I do notice my stomach is very bloated still for example. I have tried resuming activity a lot with permanent more pain as result i cant take another round of that, so yeah of course im a bit scared. My neck and trapezius, shoulders crack hardcore as well dont know if thats also TMS?

Anyway i dont want to hijack this thread thx for some advice, good day.

 

[TG957]

Yes ive been around here for some years now. I know using isnt an option anymore so lately i think a lot about suicide because im limited and feel tired, painful etc.

I am working on my psychological problems now as well tho. Pain doesnt get better yet. I am still anxious though my antidepressant covers it somewhat. I do notice my stomach is very bloated still for example. I have tried resuming activity a lot with permanent more pain as result i cant take another round of that, so yeah of course im a bit scared. My neck and trapezius, shoulders crack hardcore as well dont know if thats also TMS?

Anyway i dont want to hijack this thread thx for some advice, good day.

Mark, if you can stop worrying about resuming activities and focus on your emotional and psychological problems. And yes, whatever cracks in your body, it is from overtensed muscles. It will all come in time, including pain-free body, just make sure you take care of your depression and anxiety by going to the root cause that brought you here. Good luck, and don't give up!