Structured Program

We are all flawed, Phil. We just need to recognise this and accept ourselves, warts and all.

I wonder what your mom would say in her unsent letter if she were to write to you. What do you think?
 
PhilChow said:
Anyhow...mindfulness. Rome wasn't built in a day. Should I choose to live with Mom or not; should I choose to continue with residency or not and when to make that decision; and should I choose to follow an old dream or dreams that I KNOW that my parents will unconditionally be unable to support me emotionally on (and still be OK with that, ultimately; aren't we all, in some way, shape or form, still seeking approval from parents that are now running commentaries in our heads? By the by, my parents--having witnessed my pain and anguish with this program over the past year--are fully supportive of me NOT continuing, these days. And yet, both for practical purposes and psychological, I still feel indebted to myself and to Mom-voice and Dad-voice in my head to continue...maybe even finish); those are all questions for a different day.
Click to expand...

Um, news flash. NO! We aren't all trying to please our parents. Some yes. Some are trying to impress a spouse, a teacher, anyone - but ourselves. Yes you should live alone again. Yes you should do what you want in your life (most believe we only get one time around - I am not one of them) but Phil - ultimately if you become a doctor and have pleased your parents. Then what? They will most likely pass on and you'll be stuck in middle age in a profession you don't like. So why don't you stop this charade (if that's what it is) now and move on to doing something you love. How? Just do it. No big mystery. No big scary thing that's going to happen because you choose to get out of medicine.

And "talking it over with your parents" won't work. They'll just get all emotional and talk you back into the same path they've had for you before you exited the womb. You were doomed from the start. And no. Just because you are doing plays on Broadway doesn't mean your pain will go away. If you go at it the same way you've gone after medicine, then the pain will persist. Once you have relaxed into a life style that is yours, that you feel comfortable in, that you don't care what others think, and are truly yourself - then the pain will go away.

Not saying it won't happen in your present situation. You can turn things around, but you need to rid yourself of your anger and low self esteem. Once those are gone, you are FREE Phil. Free to live your life. Easier said than done, but you asked several times and yes: you should stop living with your mother.

BG
 
PhilChow said:
BG:I really am at a crossroads. :'(
Click to expand...

Make a list of all the pros and cons of being in medicine. Then make a list of all the pros and cons of NOT being in medicine. Be as honest as you can. Then write about your lists, or better yet each item on your list. You'll have a better idea of where you want to go and what you want to do. You're young Phil. It's not too late to change directions.

The thing is, I think there's a part of you that already knows the answer. See what your writing tells you. Maybe you're happier in medicine than you realize - or maybe it's time to make a move.

Only you know. So git to writing. Let's see what you come up with.

BG
 
yb44 said:
We are all flawed, Phil. We just need to recognise this and accept ourselves, warts and all.
I wonder what your mom would say in her unsent letter if she were to write to you. What do you think?
Click to expand...

I don't think Phil is "all flawed". I think he's been living someone else's dream. Not fair to Phil. And he's in the middle of figuring it out. He's gifted. He's very bright. He has simply been under his parents thumbs his whole life. A brother would have been nice. Then he could have someone to let his parents fawn all over. As it is, Phil was a doctor when he was conceived.

And no one (it appears) asked Phil. He just went with it due to low self esteem (he admits this) and the inability to stand up to his parents. Yes, those are "flaws" - but we all have them. And he is at a crossroads. He's going to figure it out though.

Did I mention he's very bright?

BG
 
I didn't say that Phil is all flawed. I said all of us, all people, have flaws. No one is perfect!

Sorry, will butt out. Didn't mean to intrude. Thought it was an open discussion.
 
yb44 said:
I didn't say that Phil is all flawed. I said all of us, all people, have flaws. No one is perfect!
Sorry, will butt out. Didn't mean to intrude. Thought it was an open discussion.
Click to expand...

Sorry YB - I misread your post. Apologies! Yes, this is an open discussion. Was just standing up for my bud Phil. But other minds may have ideas that are important. It is by all means NOT a private conversation.

Again - sorry.

BG
 
PhilChow said:
How do you all keep from obsessing over your treatment? :(
Click to expand...

OK. Since I have inadvertently made this a two way discussion, I'll go first. I just don't. Does it hurt all the time? Mostly. Do I have times with no pain? Yes. How do I do it? I have no clue. But distractions are good. Reading. Movies. Ice Cream. Any of those work well for me. I find when working the kite shop (which I loathe) my pain is naturally worse.

BG

PLEASE OTHERS CHIME IN!!
 
Thanks. I didn't mean to make this a private convo. Others can certainly talk too!

And I try my best to distract myself. Watching movies works, and I'm doing that now.
 
I may or may not have pain when I'm watching a movie. Depends on how good the movie or activity is. I may notice an obsessive thought in the back of my mind about my predicament, but again, depending upon how absorbing the activity is, it may "blossom" into a fear or not.

I'm in the midst of journalling out what we've been talking about. That Phil is a work in progress is an understatement.

I'm also reading Schubie's book section about the genesis of pain. It's a good two chapters. It's Sarno, but more digestible (somehow).
 
Hi Phil,

I'm sure you will make the right decision for you. I was in a similar situation in my early 20s...I went to law school when I was 21, it was what I thought I had always wanted to do. I absolutely hated it. My favorite things about that time were my friends and particular bagel that was served at the cafeteria ;) When it was over and I started looking for jobs I was getting a lot of interviews and even some offers but I just did not want to do it. I knew it would be a big letdown to my parents and others if I didn't practiced law, but I also knew that if I went through with it I would be spending my life doing something I didn't want.

One night I had a dream that I had to have surgery to remove a giant tumor but when I got into the operating room it was actually my father who was going to operate on me. I woke up and knew I just couldn't do it. I called the recruiter at the temp agency I had been working for part-time while I looked for law jobs and told her I wanted her to approach the place I had been temping at to see if they needed anyone. I ended up getting a job there and worked there for 9 years. I think my parents, especially my father, were a little disappointed and maybe still are. But I don't owe them anything--my education was a gift from them that I greatly appreciate but it doesn't mean I have to be an indentured servant to their dreams.

If you decide to leave your residency, I'm sure there is something else you can do with your medical degree, or you can do something totally unrelated.

Good luck! Hope you are feeling better today.

~ Veronica
 
There ya see Phil? Veronica followed her heart. And the sky didn't fall.

Good on ya Veronica! It's really tough to go against what our parents want/expect from us. But it feels soooooo good to make our our choices. The ones we want to live by and make us happy. We do get to be happy.

BG
 
Thanks to all who have shown support.

I'm not denying a career change may be in order. But as you all have correctly pointed out, it's important for me to know whether it's the career itself that's making me unhappy, or old Phil stuff that is getting in the way. I may switch to my dream career and still have pain from old Phil issues that I need to work through. So I'm going to work through them. After much hand-wringing, I called a few TMS therapists today to "shop around." I'm going to tackle this process in earnest. :)

*hugs*
 
Shanshu Vampyr said:
I'm also reading Schubie's book section about the genesis of pain. It's a good two chapters. It's Sarno, but more digestible (somehow).
Click to expand...
It makes sense to me that you would like Schubie's take on this. He has really immersed himself in the literature and that will work well with your education.
Shanshu Vampyr said:
I'm not denying a career change may be in order. But as you all have correctly pointed out, it's important for me to know whether it's the career itself that's making me unhappy, or old Phil stuff that is getting in the way. I may switch to my dream career and still have pain from old Phil issues that I need to work through. So I'm going to work through them. After much hand-wringing, I called a few TMS therapists today to "shop around." I'm going to tackle this process in earnest. :)
Click to expand...
I think that there is a lot of wisdom in not rushing in to a big decision like a career change. I applaud you for that. I'm glad to hear that you have a plan. It sounds like you've gotten some great advice here and explored many important issues and I am sure that you are on the right track for figuring out what you need to do.

The overall gut feeling that I have when I read what you are writing is that the wiki's Structured Educational program and Schubiner's program might be the wrong thing for you right now and that Monte Hueftle's idea of "Think Clean" might be the right thing. It's possible that all of the journaling and exploring, while productive in the long run, might be pushing up your activation level (what Monte would call your inner tension). You seem to like Monte's work and, like I said, my gut is telling me that his approach could be exactly right for you. At its heart, the Think Clean approach is very common-sensical and back to basics, which I think you'd like. It's focus on decreasing inner tension could help you cool things off and help you get through this crossroads time.

It's not cheap, but you might want to consider getting his book if you haven't yet. I'm about to send my Monte Hueftle CD and my loaner copy of his book to Beach Girl, as, based on the emotional energy that I feel from her,* I think that she might find it very helpful as well. Perhaps the three of us can work together to understand and apply the ideas contained in the book in this thread. I know I would enjoy that.

* Since you are science minded, let me clarify that I'm talking about empathy rather than physics when I write "emotional energy" here.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top