Structured Program

[Forest]

I sort of sat down at work this morning and wrote the following out, to sort of get back to TMS basics:

"A few principles behind TMS philosophy, treatment and management:

1. Sarno's TMS model has empiric validity in the hundreds of thousands of patients cured of chronic symptoms that he has seen over the years
2. His theoretical construct is admittedly psychodynamic, which may or may not be scientifically true--repressed emotions and all of that--but it's generally NOT necessary to uncover "the" psychological conflict to be able to recover (although in my case, at least empirically the psychodynamics do MAKE SENSE). <--I have low self esteem and the drive for perfectionism because my parents were emotionally distant and very critical; I have old wounds and patterns of behavior that I'm acting out because of past hurts [i.e., "failed" residency in the past], etc etc
3. Doubt in the diagnosis (and its practitioners) and fear of various things including slow recoveries, resuming normal physical activities, and having some wacky diagnosis are HALLMARKS of the syndrome. So is obsessing about the place in recovery you are in. DON'T LET THESE DERAIL YOU or lead you to EQUIVOCATE. You not equals fear. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR FEAR.
4. Even inasmuch as #2 is true, TMS is also a CHRONIC INNER STRESS INDUCED DISORDER. Refer to Monte Hueftle's posts for more on this.
5. ACCEPTANCE, HAPPINESS, and INNER PEACE are both difficult to do/be for a TMSer and also intensely threatening to it. Use them as weapons in your fight. Thus, non-striving and acceptance--which manifest as GIVING UP to the TMSer--can deal a crippling blow to TMS. Happiness and inner peace are also threatening to TMS.

Now go out there and HAVE SOME FUN!!!"

I really loved this post. Treatment of TMS/PPD is not a complicated thing. It's about diligence and discipline and sticking to these basic points that you have articulated. It's vital to accept the diagnosis with full confidence and assurance, because the moment that you don't, the pain strategy knows that it has you in its grip.

It's also a question of monitoring yourself to see where your energy goes. What thought patterns cause you to become more anxious and activated (bad), and which thought patterns allow you to cool down and emotionally de-escalate (g00d)? There is no point in denying the bad feelings when you have them, but awareness of how thought patterns lead to emotions and how emotions lead to stress gives you a tremendous amount of power and guides you to finding a way to genuinely enjoy your life, just as you mentioned.

At least, that's my 2 cents.

Since you've already identified some of the basics that you need to focus on, perhaps you can use some of the wiki's resources for affirmations to help you internalize the ideas even better.

Wishing you all the best,
Forest

 

[Beach-Girl]

Shanshu:

Yes, I too am in a place where I needed "the next right thing" and Forest has been kind enough to loan me his book. (Wonder if he knows I eat ice cream when I read?) Anyway - I hope you'll check in with us in awhile to let us know how you're doing. I wish you all the best, and hope you find that "sweet spot" for your life. I know you have some great ideas going on here, just hope you can put them into action. Actually I have great confidence you'll put them into action.

Take care. And I'll try and catch Buffy sometime.

BG

 

[Shanshu Vampyr]

Thanks for the kind thoughts everyone.

Forest, I like the idea of Beach-Girl and you and me working together towards a common goal. I will definitely pop in here and there on this thread with updates; and if I don't, it's not because I'm giving up, but because I have to give myself breaks once in a while. I'm getting a new symptom today--ugh. Trying not to let it freak me out too much.

I'm talking with TMS therapist Alan Gordon, who does Skype, to set up sessions. I also had a brief convo on the phone with Dr. Bob Evans when I was screening therapists and his words give me some hope, but he is too far away to help me right now. Rabid hope springs eternal that I will be able to recover the pain-free and angst-free life everyone of us all deserves. I don't want to be a statistic. :'(

I wish I could pop in on other people's threads (especially you Beach-Girl) and help sound the battle-cry, but I'm pretty exhausted mentally and I'm just trying to retain hope for myself. Trying NOT to be a people-pleaser for once.

 

[Beach-Girl]

Forest, I like the idea of Beach-Girl and you and me working together towards a common goal.

Ditto that Red Rider!

I will definitely pop in here and there on this thread with updates; and if I don't, it's not because I'm giving up, but because I have to give myself breaks once in a while. I'm getting a new symptom today--ugh. Trying not to let it freak me out too much.

As I write this my shoulder is still killing me. Had a falling out with a good friend because my emails were too short (huh?) I tried to explain it's my shoulder now, not my back. So we're on phone chats now. It's great to be in contact with my friend as he has beyond repair back pain and I worry for his health. We've known each other for many years and he lives on the other side of the country. This program is not for him, but he knows it well, even met Dr. Sarno a few years ago. I can only offer words of support to him, and he to me. And the same goes for you. If you need a break? Take it. I did. I got overwhelmed. But this morning I caught myself worrying before my first cup of coffee! The cool thing was: I caught it. And I changed it. So I am making progress and you will too!

I'm talking with TMS therapist Alan Gordon, who does Skype, to set up sessions.

This is really awesome! I live in the sticks and have a therapist who I recently dumped. I told her I was going to rid myself of anxiety and pain and she wasn't on board. I had to go back for a med check, and she had Dr. Schubiner's book sitting out on her desk! She has also explored the wiki. Probably followed me around here too, but I don't mind. I know she is on my team and we'll see if she can truly help me out of this last little piece I can't seem to grasp.

Rabid hope springs eternal that I will be able to recover the pain-free and angst-free life everyone of us all deserves. I don't want to be a statistic. :'(

You WILL Shanshu! It's in you. You have to quiet yourself, live in the moment, and trust that you will get to the bottom of your anxiety and things will turn around for you. I know it's going to happen - you're doing better than you think.

I wish I could pop in on other people's threads (especially you Beach-Girl) and help sound the battle-cry, but I'm pretty exhausted mentally and I'm just trying to retain hope for myself. Trying NOT to be a people-pleaser for once.

You have a really busy life. I don't expect that you can just pop in and chat away. I think part of your "issue" is that you don't get enough rest. Down time is so important, and as Forest says - you need to "deactivate". Reading all this can get you activated again and bring on pain. So do things you want to do and I hope you'll pop in with good news soon.

BG

 

[Forest]

Thanks for the kind thoughts everyone.

Forest, I like the idea of Beach-Girl and you and me working together towards a common goal. I will definitely pop in here and there on this thread with updates; and if I don't, it's not because I'm giving up, but because I have to give myself breaks once in a while. I'm getting a new symptom today--ugh. Trying not to let it freak me out too much.

I'm talking with TMS therapist Alan Gordon, who does Skype, to set up sessions. ... Rabid hope springs eternal that I will be able to recover the pain-free and angst-free life everyone of us all deserves. I don't want to be a statistic. :'(

I wish I could pop in on other people's threads (especially you Beach-Girl) and help sound the battle-cry, but I'm pretty exhausted mentally and I'm just trying to retain hope for myself. Trying NOT to be a people-pleaser for once.

It sounds like you are very much on the right track. I'm really happy to hear that you are working with Alan Gordon. He is tremendously talented and really gets TMS, so it is always a pleasure to have him in the PPD/TMS Peer Network's bimonthly psychotherapist peer supervision meetings. I think that the daily one on one with someone who can calm your fears will be tremendously helpful.

Overall, I think that you've made a tremendous amount of progress already and am confident that you will find the outcome that you are looking for.

 

[Forest]

I will definitely pop in here and there on this thread with updates; and if I don't, it's not because I'm giving up, but because I have to give myself breaks once in a while.

Sounds good. Your number one priority should be doing what you need to do for yourself to get better. Only you know what that is. Whatever you choose, we'll support you.

I wish I could pop in on other people's threads (especially you Beach-Girl) and help sound the battle-cry, but I'm pretty exhausted mentally and I'm just trying to retain hope for myself. Trying NOT to be a people-pleaser for once.

She's the best, isn't she?

 

[Shanshu Vampyr]

Hi guys,

I'm set up to have my first session with Alan Gordon this coming Wednesday evening. I'm really scared that I've hit the end of the line and that I may still "fail" and be doomed forever, but there's no choice anymore. I'm really not getting anywhere fast.

I'm also struggling with some work problems. Due to occasional lapses in focus and concentration, they've "yellow sheeted" me--written me up in my personnel file. While the yellow sheet can ultimately be ripped up and discarded if improvements are made, it does take me one step closer to being on probation--which has led me to spiral down emotionally.

Today's journal entry:

"So here's where the TMS work takes on a particularly poignant turn, with this whole being "yellow sheeted" thing. The idea is that life is hard, really fucking hard; residency is insane, and it's OK not to succeed at everything I do. That's supposed to be the take-home point. And yet this idea that being "yellow sheeted" means I'm GOING to be put on probation--although not on it yet--and that means I'm inevitable GOING the way of Anita and failures in MY past, and that means I'm GOING to develop worse TMS and I'm GOING to end up unhappy back at Little Neck, and these are all incredibly PAINFUL thoughts that I cannot ignore. Here's where the TMS lessons are supposed to kick in and I'm supposed to be buoyed by the fact that I've tried my hardest, over and over again; and yet there's this little voice in my head that says "You deserve it" with your eyerolling at attendings mentally and trying to enact an old pattern by sabotaging yourself. And yet it resonates with true; that I'm a failure and will always be one."

 

[Forest]

Hi Shanshu,

I'm really sorry to hear about the yellow sheet. It sounds incredibly stressful and it also sounds like it is really pressing your buttons. I can totally, 100%, relate to the stress that you are feeling, and I don't envy you at all for having to go through it. Try to keep in mind that you clearly have many talents and even if this totally collapses (which I think it won't), I know that you can find another way to be happy.

It sounds like you may have some tough times ahead, but perhaps not as tough as your fears make them out to be. If you really open yourself up to Alan, trust him, and take seriously what he says, he should be able to teach you some skills that will help you keep everything in perspective and achieve some balance.

Fear and worry really feed TMS/PPD. I can totally understand why you would be afraid, but please understand that when your worry has you in it's grip, the distraction strategy has you in its grip as well. Alan can teach you effective strategies to get control of your worry, which I think will help tremendously.

In the meantime, I guess I have two questions for you. The first is, how would you characterize your level of internal tension? (Sometimes I call this "activation.") Is it high or low?

The second question is, what activities that you control (for example, worry, thinking about the future, judging yourself) make the internal tension worse and what activities make the internal tension better? Perhaps you can focus your journaling on answering this question.

Another question to consider is, following Monte Hueftle, can you manage the level of internal tension by keeping your mind in the present?

When we think about the future, it is very natural to "catastrophize:" to be drawn in to thinking about the catastrophic worst case. This can ramp up our internal tension and make our PPD worse. If you can find a way to honestly and authentically cool down that internal tension by mindfully being aware of what you focus on and what thought patterns you are using, you can control your PPD. Monte Hueftle talks a lot about this, and if you don't have his book yet, it sounds like you are in enough of a crisis that it would be a very good investment.

Wishing you the best and respectful of the many challenges you face....

Forest

 

[Beach-Girl]

You can do this dude. Don't let this ruin your life and career. Read Forest's post again. I'm here for you but he said it all so eloquently.

BG

 

[Shanshu Vampyr]

Hi friends,

Just checking in so that y'all know I'm alive! Still scheduled to Skype Alan Gordon for the first time on Wednesday afternoon. Since he uses some psychodynamic methods that my conventional therapist doesn't really use, I'm pretty hopeful. Yet fearful, and hoping that I haven't set myself up for failure. I've got my webcam and everything all set up and just need to iron out a problem with my sound card.

Will definitely pop in as time goes by! Thanks for this community.

Phil.

 

[Shanshu Vampyr]

Hoping that part of the treatment will be to rid me of the obsessive, intrusive worry, that's a big part of all of this.

 

[Beach-Girl]

Hoping that part of the treatment will be to rid me of the obsessive, intrusive worry, that's a big part of all of this.

Yes. It. Is. I am going through some of the same things - please let me know how it goes. I'm curious as to how a TMS therapist works vs mine. She is trying to "catch up" with me, I think we might be able to work on this together. Still curious. Hang in there Phil. You're going to be a "survivor" as will I.

BG

 

[Shanshu Vampyr]

Hi TMS friends,

So...after experiencing webcam setup difficulties, I wasn't able to have my first session Wednesday with Alan Gordon as hoped. I am rescheduled to tonight and I have a new RadioShack cam that I tested last night, so I'm looking forward to Skype'ing. Forest was gracious enough to help me with the tech aspects (and we also had a nice conversation about TMS over the phone too). Wish me luck. I am feeling realistic and somewhat hopeful. Despite the pain, and work issues, I feel encouraged. As I've said, hope springs eternal.

So BG, I will let you know how it goes, definitely.

PS Thinking that the recent "sinus infections" I've been suffering could be TMS-related, too. I saw an ENT yesterday (who I've rotated with) who did skull X-rays and demonstrated no sinus cavity disease (although I have a deviated septum)--which is radically different from what I've always been told by other ENTs in the past. Anyhoo...not a surgical disease.

Phil "Shanshu".

 

[Beach-Girl]

Glad you're ready to go now. Looking forward to hearing what Alan Gordon has to say!

BG

 

[Shanshu Vampyr]

Hi TMS friends,

Just got off Skype for my first session with Gordon. I wasn't really sure what to expect, and think I was simultaneously skeptical of a psychotherapist I didn't know/alternating with rabid hope that he could help me. Yet it was surreal how accurate he was. We talked about really painful stuff involving my feelings towards my parents as a child, and I developed uncontrollable coughing fits! TMS in action--I was completely amazed.

I'm feeling really hopeful now. *hugs Bear*

 

[Shanshu Vampyr]

He did sound confident that I would "make it."

 

[Beach-Girl]

He did sound confident that I would "make it."

And we're confident too. This is awesome Phil. Step one - to getting pain free.

BG

 

[Forest]

It is great to hear that your meeting with Alan went well. Your post shows why therapist can be so helpful. Like you, I think I have always have been a little hesitant to see a therapist, but they are really skilled and they actually know what they are doing. It is interesting to read your comment about how accurate he was. A lot of people expect therapists to be out of touch and could not possible know about us or what we are going through, but my encounters with therapists have been very positive. They do really know their stuff and I really do think they can provide great insights and be really helpful to anyone.

Glad it went well

Forest

 

[Shanshu Vampyr]

Hi TMS friends,

Just wanted to post an update. I'm experiencing a ramping up of work-related stress, mostly generated by old demons of the past. While the reality of my situation isn't as bleak as my subconscious would have me believe, I continue to have nightmares and I suppose I just wanted to vent. We've covered all of these topics before, really, and I just wanted to say thanks for allowing me to reach out in a way I can't reach out to others in my life right now. Alan and I are Skype'ing about once a week or so now and we've had two sessions, but I admit a week is an interminable amount of time sometimes with my mental state.

"I need to write while the emotions still roil and the pain is still fresh.

Things that seem small to an unconcerned other resonate as warning shots to my unsettled subconscious. Just awakened from a Night Float afternoon nap nightmare in which I nightmared that <Program Director> and <Advisor> are conspiring to have me ended. *cry* *hugs convenient Bear* I don't want to have this all taken away from me. So in Dream world, apparently I gave a lecture on a complicated topic that <PD> didn't like. Afterwards I asked the smiling, fake <PD> whether or not I'd be terminated. He basically said, "I don't know...decision in about a week and a half...but I don't think it looks good." Ran to advisor...interrupted a meeting...he also had bad news for me. *cries, hugs Bear*

So out of touch with my emotions. What would Alan Gordon say?"

Yesterday I saw a tentative block schedule for the next year that's very hush hush with me on it promoted to a second year. Feeling both really nervous about the yellow sheet on the one hand, and yet seeing myself in the program's plans next year (come July, that is) only ramped up my sense of obligation/responsibility and anxiety.

 

[Beach-Girl]

Things that seem small to an unconcerned other resonate as warning shots to my unsettled subconscious. Just awakened from a Night Float afternoon nap nightmare in which I nightmared that <Program Director> and <Advisor> are conspiring to have me ended. *cry* *hugs convenient Bear* I don't want to have this all taken away from me. So in Dream world, apparently I gave a lecture on a complicated topic that <PD> didn't like. Afterwards I asked the smiling, fake <PD> whether or not I'd be terminated. He basically said, "I don't know...decision in about a week and a half...but I don't think it looks good." Ran to advisor...interrupted a meeting...he also had bad news for me. *cries, hugs Bear*

Could this dream have something to do with talking to Alan Gordon only once a week? The dream seems to correlate with your schedule with him. He can help you with suggestions and exercises, but ultimately it's up to you. Does that make sense?

So out of touch with my emotions. What would Alan Gordon say?"

I don't think you're out of touch with your emotions, I think you simply have a lot of stress. You are tired most of the time, and do you ever take time out to play? Very important to have down time - and be awake for it. Is there some place close by you could get out in nature? I find it very healing.

Yesterday I saw a tentative block schedule for the next year that's very hush hush with me on it promoted to a second year. Feeling both really nervous about the yellow sheet on the one hand, and yet seeing myself in the program's plans next year (come July, that is) only ramped up my sense of obligation/responsibility and anxiety.

This is good - and bad. You are "in" yet you will worry. Take each day as it comes, try to "think clean" and you'll make it onto the list for next year. Like you already have. But if you focus on that yellow sheet, then you'll sabotage yourself.

Good thing you have that bear!

BG