*hugs Beach-Girl and Veronica73* I didn't for a moment mean that I am giving up. Last night with my parents, I felt a sense of peace that I do get when I allow myself to melt down (never at work, of course, although that might do me good) and a sense that something "connected" psychologically. Like you've said BG, sometimes the lessons and truths come automatically in our thinking now. The meltdown was a GOOD thing. But what I did mean with this whole "closure" concept--both in terms of residency: will they fail me for OB? ; and in terms of TMS: will I ever get to the finish line?--is that I've been struggling and striving to "get there" forever. Jon Kabat-Zinn, whose mindfulness meditation works I've studied (but find hard to live on a daily basis), talks about patience, acceptance, non-striving, and surrender; all qualities that as a TMSer I just don't know HOW to be. Eckhardt Tolle and Michael Brown (whose "Presence Process" I just started reading today) talks about the same things. It's been talked about how some TMSers try SOOOOOOOO hard to cure themselves they actually build up a lot of frustration, anger, and pessimism when they don't. "Why do some people not get along with Dr. Sarno's methods" thread talks a lot about this, on the old Wiki site. And I feel myself doing this. So, I can crack open Schubie's book. I can pick up where I left off on the Structured Educational Program work. I can even go into TMS therapy. (And will probably end up doing the latter, because the psychodynamic model really resonates with me). But at a certain point, I need to recognize that I'm stuck and stop spinning my wheels. I'm already exhausted from typical residency demands (even "normal" people would be; hell, it's April of my internship). So "closure" to me meant: accept that this is where I'm at now. And it's OK. I have not failed (at being a "perfect" resident or an "overnight" TMS success). While I know this intellectually, the perfectionist in me DOES feel a failure. You asked how I'm doing today. Well, basically I'm in horrible, excruciating pain right now and I may also have (another!!!) cold that I'm nursing that saps my energy and basically makes me feel like sh*t. But I know I've sort of reached the limits of my coping strategies so I'm psychologically at peace. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do this Noon lecture thing today which went off without a hitch. It always goes off without a hitch. If I can act on stage, I can certainly handle giving a spontaneous lecture without undue performance anxiety. It's just the perfectionist in me that feels like every "i" must be dotted and every "t" must be crossed, if you get my drift. So I'm accepting all of these raging pains right now. I'm not exactly detached enough to be able to laugh at it, like it was two days ago, but I'm somewhere above my body watching all that I do (Though that could be the weird head-spinniness and lightheadedness that might be from a cold). My attending today noted (nicely) at the end of the day, "You look like you're fading fast." It was compassionate. Finally, in one of your older comments Beach-Girl, you mentioned how I've probably had TMS my whole life. I've always known this was true. I've self-diagnosed with IBS since med school, and skin allergies/eczema have been a big problem since childhood. And who else develops spot baldness when they are losing their job? LMAO. So maybe the joint clickiness and poppiness and grindy-ness really is a really clever TMS manifestation after all. And if it isn't, I can deal. Morpheus would say I am walking the path now. To have hurty pains everywhere and not really be bothered by it--you're right, that IS progress. Thanks to all of my new friends on this Internet machine.