Structured Program

Still having the symptom. I told Alan Gordon the other day that the learning curve for every brand new symptom seems steep--like I'm starting from scratch with the fear, worry, etc.--and this is a symptom I've never ever had before. Yet for some reason, I think my perspective on it radically shifted to one of acceptance last night. As much as I've never dealt with this particular symptom before, something inside me said, "This will pass." And I'm more or less able to look beyond it as a symbol of further emotional work to be done--without pressuring myself to find out the emotional antecedents that brought it about or figure out "the emotion" or "the thought" that caused it, so as to go away as quickly as possible. [The symptom] isn't THAT bad. I can live with it.

So hey, I suppose this means that I'm on the healing part of the learning curve already. And that's good news.

 

My globus is definitely related to some hidden sadness (less anxiety) that I'm "freeing" right now (due to those personal mistakes I mentioned in a previous post that are too personal even for this Wiki...at least at this point). I'm conscious of just exactly *how* sad I am right now re: those mistakes. I'm watching sad Buffy clips and the tears are flowing. Just breathing into the sadness. The emotions are moving within me and that's a good thing.

 

Hi all,

I'm checking in with the community again, as I like to do from time to time. I would have to say I'm doing well. I'm experiencing minimal pain these days and the on-again, off-again relationship I have with pain really isn't bothering me. When I idly consider I might have aches and pains indefinitely, if worst-case scenario were to pass--it really doesn't bother me too much anymore. (I'd love to be 100% pain free all day, every day, for my entire existence; who wouldn't? but I'm at the point where I'm not that invested in the outcome anymore. Hey, and if I backslide, I backslide, because at one level deep down inside, I know that every pain-signal I've feared has been a signal towards greater emotional awareness, and invariably it's gone away. Even if it's taken months and months.) Although I still ruminate TMS, I'm moving on with my life and I'm not doing the old, "symptom-check" dance. Anxiety and fear jags still occasionally try to gain a foothold, but I'm like, "Bring it on, bitch."

My horrible tight-throat, globus sensation is gone.

I'm pretty obsessive about getting in tiptop physical shape, too. I'm lifting multiple times a week and getting into sports like I never did as a child. Threw a football around for the first time in my life the other day. Channelling my ruminations into getting massively into the lifting subculture, healthy protein supplements, swapping stories with fellow lifters, etc. I'm working through my emotional eating tendencies and getting in touch with the better me!

I guess you could say my perspective has shifted.

So everyone that's still struggling: Take heart that if someone like me, who has struggled with possibly every known variation of TMS, can improve, can get to a point of near-indifference, so you all can too! My journey is not NEARLY complete: but I'm getting there and SO CAN YOU. I've gone from seized with the worst fear humanly imaginable to relatively content with what I've got.

Does this count as a success story? Maybe not yet. There's miles to go before I consider myself a true success. But hopefully this will be inspiring.

And credit where credit is due: in my story, goes not only to Dr. Schechter and Alan Gordon, but ALL OF YOU. Because you have all been with me day-by-day in my ongoing journey towards mastery.

Cheers!

 

Yes. I agree with Forest. Very inspirational.

 

Great news!!

 

Thanks guys. I am glad it was inspirational, however I KNOW I still have work to do. Right now I have lower back pain and neck tightness vying for a cameo appearance, and I'm sure I'll get it sorted.

The work continues!!!

 

This meets my definition of success in our world!

You've come a LONG way, baby

 

Thanks Jan!!!

But I'm not from Virginia and I'm not slim!!!

Unfortunately I've had a major relapse over the past week-10 days which I'm working out of. But I had like a 3-hour phone conversation with Beach-Girl about it yesterday and I think I'm better.

 

LOL! And aren't you too young to know that reference?

I think a lot of us are struggling these days - winter, holidays, politics, weather, world crises - these are tough times, and I'm backsliding too. The big difference is that knowledge is power and freedom.

Yours for the better,

Jan

 

I've found that emotional eating is a pseudo-quasi-semi-kindof TMS equivalent, at least for me, and I'm mindful of the urge towards the Holiday Bulge (which is slightly more difficult because I live alone).

Happy Holidays to all! Bear says hi!

 

friends!!!

"TMS Guru"?!?! When did that happen? LOL.

I have been inactive in the community lately (although still in therapy with Alan Gordon), though not by conscious choice. Things in my life have just been moving in a new direction--I'd say forward, but I sometimes backslide, but I recognize that's part of the HUMAN process.

So I DID want to check in with the community, because I really love you guys. Alan has insisted on numerous occasions now that I am a "success story". Whether that's true or not I don't know, but I do agree with him that the aches and pains I may still have now are much more of a nuisance than, what he would call, a "functional impairment" on my life, and that I would agree, because they no longer seem to instill fear in me. When I crossed that divide proper, I don't know, but I'm trying to look back over the past two months or so and figure out when it really blended together so that I can give back some advice to some of you guys who are/may still be struggling. (Perhaps that's when the "TMS Guru" title happened, LOL).

I'm still very into health/diet/exercise (although not perfect), and have been into the lifting and now, HIIT (high-intensity interval training) subcultures in a big way. I can literally see my body changing from that of the perpetual "fat boy" into something more chiselled, as the days and weeks go by, and I'm loving the results. Still working on the 'ol belly fat, but I don't expect to make a huge dent in that right away, LOL.

Unfortunately, I'm down for the count for about a week on a medical "house arrest"/leave of absence for a bad case of influenza, so I'm regrouping and taking things slow this week. I'm not allowed to do patient care this week. So I'm SURE I'll have plenty of time to ruminate about the past several months and hopefully, come up with something cogent to kick back to the community.

Look forward to coming back on very soon! My love to all that may still be struggling.

Shanshu/Phil

PS Bear says "Hi."

 

PS Just as a curiosity, it's interesting how the muscle aches, etc. I'm experiencing as part of the flu are hitting my old TMS spots--neck, lower back, even jaw, etc. Mind/body connection still running the show, I imagine, somehow.

 

Phil, that is a good question! It seems to be a virus - and it seems to have infected quite a few of us old-timers.... perhaps Forest-induced? I will investigate...

 

In the meantime, however, it's GREAT to hear from you, and to hear that Alan considers you to be a success story! I can relate to what you said, but I really like how you phrased it - about crossing the divide - from fear, over to what I simply call knowledge and acceptance. Acceptance is often where the healing begins. I love that you're accepting and loving your body enough now to want to take care of it and challenge it - which is something I've also been doing (the $$ I used to spend on various physical therapists and special treatments now go exclusively to personal weight training and exercise classes)

You have done such great work, Phil - and it was a hard and painful journey, too. I am honored that you shared so much with us here. And it serves as proof that significant physical pain and mental anguish can be overcome if you're willing to do what it takes emotionally.

I am sorry you have the flu, though - seems like everyone out here is sick!

Cheers,

Jan

 

Phil,

This is amazing news! And I like how you acknowledge that it's part of the "human process" to have challenges in life.

Hope the flu is on the way out for you.

(was just thinking of you the other day because I heard it was Buffy the Vampire Slayer's birthday )

 

I miss watching Buffy. Spike's definitely my favorite vamp.

 

I'm still alive!

I have a shaved head!

My mom hates it!

Life is great!

*runs away*

 

Vampyre, I just saw terrific movie that I think has a lot of TMS psychology in it.
"As It Is in Heaven," a Swedish movie. I wrote about it in TMS in Pop Culture.
It should be in that forum soon, maybe tonight. Take a look. It deals with self-esteem,
among other things.