Self-Forgiveness and How to Start

Danielle Szasz LMFT

Danielle Szasz LMFT

TMS Therapist
Being unable to forgive ourselves for mistakes plays a huge role in TMS symptoms. I have seen clients who still repeatedly beat themselves up for mistakes they made as teens or even as children and who often blame themselves for their pain. This is absolutely brutal on the nervous system and creates a constant state of fight or flight. Here's a little video I made on self-forgiveness and how you can begin to practice it (and it is a learned skill, not just something you should already know how to do!).

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1762789587079558
 
It seems to me that self-attack (this post) and perfectionism (your June 27 post) are two sides of the same coin. I wonder if you have seen the following by Jon Frederickson: http://istdpinstitute.com/2013/perfectionism/
I don't know whether you are into insight psychology at all, but it was helpful to me in regulating my lifelong habitual self-attack and perfectionism to understand its genesis.
 
So strange how the experiences we regret can be felt so profoundly, again. But, even our society and media is built on humiliation, pain, or mistakes. For example: people watch reality shows to see others fail or fight or fall from grace. It's no wonder we replay our own mistakes.

What do you think about practicing the opposite. Like remembering a time of feeling great or success or even peace. I'm working with this but my attention still wants to look at the negative. It is really a habit of sabotage, isn't it?
 
Duggit said:
It seems to me that self-attack (this post) and perfectionism (your June 27 post) are two sides of the same coin. I wonder if you have seen the following by Jon Frederickson: http://istdpinstitute.com/2013/perfectionism/
I don't know whether you are into insight psychology at all, but it was helpful to me in regulating my lifelong habitual self-attack and perfectionism to understand its genesis.
Click to expand...
I think you are exactly right. Perfectionism really comes down to how we relate to ourselves when we have failed or made a mistake. I love the link you shared because I think it can bring so much self-compassion to the situation to realize that it's not really us that is refusing to give ourselves the grace of being a human, it's different introjects. It helps so much to see those parts of ourselves for what they are -- parts that are scared and want to keep us connected to our loved ones and that ultimately are no longer adaptive.
 
MWsunin12 said:
So strange how the experiences we regret can be felt so profoundly, again. But, even our society and media is built on humiliation, pain, or mistakes. For example: people watch reality shows to see others fail or fight or fall from grace. It's no wonder we replay our own mistakes.

What do you think about practicing the opposite. Like remembering a time of feeling great or success or even peace. I'm working with this but my attention still wants to look at the negative. It is really a habit of sabotage, isn't it?
Click to expand...

You are so right. There is some part of us that really loves to see people fail and reality tv/social media definitely seems to feed that. I love your idea of imagining the opposite and think it's so helpful in building resilience. As you notice, our brains are so hard-wired to want to replay the negative over and over and it takes a lot of practice and mindfulness to counterbalance that and also draw our attention to the good. Also, as you said, it's a matter of habit and neural pathways and I hope you are able to meet yourself with a lot of self-compassion and patience as you slowly re-wire your brain to also pay attention to feelings of peace or times you felt great.
 
Glad I found this old thread. Having a pain relapse now and feeling that this is my karma for things I did as a child. So far everything I've seen on TMS and Curable focus on dealing with rage reservoir brought on by other people. But right now it is the rage against myself. Your compassion and insight is much appreciated.
 
crashkahuna said:
Glad I found this old thread. Having a pain relapse now and feeling that this is my karma for things I did as a child. So far everything I've seen on TMS and Curable focus on dealing with rage reservoir brought on by other people. But right now it is the rage against myself. Your compassion and insight is much appreciated.
Click to expand...


I’m so glad you found this, too! I hope you can know that you are worthy of compassion and forgiveness for any mistakes you may have made in life. Mistakes are part of how we learn and grow.
 
Thank you, Danielle, and thanks to Crash for resurrecting this thread. It isn’t just physical pain that’s triggered. Experiencing a major drop in mental health. I would like to read more on how beating yourself up to prevent a repeat of mistakes actually does the opposite. I am heading for a further fall if that’s the case.
 
Has anyone found that taking a break from 'the work' helps? Since I found this site and Curable I have been in a hurry to try and fix me.
 
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