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Pain, blame, and vulnerability

Danielle Szasz LMFT

Danielle Szasz LMFT

TMS Therapist
I see TMS clients all the time whose inner critic attempts to use their TMS diagnosis against them. By that I mean that when people are doing the recovery work and not getting the relief from pain they had hoped, their inner critic unhelpfully chimes right in that it must be their fault. Do not buy it! Here I talk about why the inner critic does it and what to do instead. I'd love to hear if this has been your experience and how you work with it.
 
Danielle Szasz LMFT said:
I see TMS clients all the time whose inner critic attempts to use their TMS diagnosis against them. By that I mean that when people are doing the recovery work and not getting the relief from pain they had hoped, their inner critic unhelpfully chimes right in that it must be their fault. Do not buy it! Here I talk about why the inner critic does it and what to do instead. I'd love to hear if this has been your experience and how you work with it.
Click to expand...

Sounds like someone I know... I have a very hard time NOT kicking myself as well as forgoing myself for the past. Self compassion is foreign to me etc. But I learned some marvelous things here and elsewhere. Journaling has been an incredible gift in realizing the severity of some seemingly simple events of the past that I thought I had "gotten over." When I now see I carried them for so long that what really happened was I just got tired of the pain and repressed it. Just moved on without resolution. I don't yet know how to apply mindfulness to your above question but I did just today start to understand what it was and was able to simple 'be witness to' my knee pain as I walked from the train to the office rather then "participate" in the pain. I am taking any and all suggestions. I would have never tried journaling and mindfulness on my own.
 
Yes. Though I'm happy to have found TMS / Sarno's work and this forum, I still feel like I'm impressionable to a guilt that I've wasted so much life being so concerned about "keeping the peace" for others. I can swing between guilt and resentment, but never without the inner critic telling myself that I'm creating my own physical pain. Tonight, I'm sleepless and sad about that.
 
Un0wut2du said:
Sounds like someone I know... I have a very hard time NOT kicking myself as well as forgoing myself for the past. Self compassion is foreign to me etc. But I learned some marvelous things here and elsewhere. Journaling has been an incredible gift in realizing the severity of some seemingly simple events of the past that I thought I had "gotten over." When I now see I carried them for so long that what really happened was I just got tired of the pain and repressed it. Just moved on without resolution. I don't yet know how to apply mindfulness to your above question but I did just today start to understand what it was and was able to simple 'be witness to' my knee pain as I walked from the train to the office rather then "participate" in the pain. I am taking any and all suggestions. I would have never tried journaling and mindfulness on my own.
Click to expand...
What a great start to have a taste of mindfulness when you were able to witness your knee pain rather than getting swept away in the story. Each time you do that, it's like a rep at the gym, slowly growing that part of the brain that allows us to direct our attention and to remain grounded in difficult moments. What have you found helpful in starting grow your ability to be kind to yourself?
 
MWsunin12 said:
Yes. Though I'm happy to have found TMS / Sarno's work and this forum, I still feel like I'm impressionable to a guilt that I've wasted so much life being so concerned about "keeping the peace" for others. I can swing between guilt and resentment, but never without the inner critic telling myself that I'm creating my own physical pain. Tonight, I'm sleepless and sad about that.
Click to expand...
To be honest, I think grieving the time we lost from not being kind to ourselves is natural and can help motivate us to start doing it now. I know that part of my own recovery process has been allowing myself to feel some grief for that time but also committing to myself that I absolutely will do everything I can to not squander whatever life I have left not spending excessive time beating myself up, blaming myself, or lost in worry about the future or rumination about the past. I try to recommit all the time to giving myself the gift of this present moment.
 
Danielle Szasz LMFT said:
What a great start to have a taste of mindfulness when you were able to witness your knee pain rather than getting swept away in the story. Each time you do that, it's like a rep at the gym, slowly growing that part of the brain that allows us to direct our attention and to remain grounded in difficult moments. What have you found helpful in starting grow your ability to be kind to yourself?
Click to expand...

I suppose I will let you know when I find it....being kind to myself escapes me. I have an anger counselor that had me to go self-compassion.org. The one thing I think that helps a bit is to picture the five year old me and how I would treat that little boy. Which is how I treated my boys at that age and it was hugs and kisses. Which I still do and they are 13! (they still let me but not for long.) But, its the kicking myself for all of the yelling and screaming Ive done to those same boys. Any suggestions you have would be appreciated.
 
Yes, imagining how you would treat your boys or that younger version of you is a great place to start. Because there you can see that you aren't starting from scratch. Did you do the assessment tool on self-compassion.org ? It's helpful to do that so you know where to focus your energy.

You clearly have the ability to tap into compassion, it's just hard (as it is for most people) to extend it to yourself. It is a little tedious but it truly is a matter of repetition. I actually like incorporating it into mindfulness because I (as a type A person ;)) like efficiency. So when I notice my attention has wandered and I am worrying about the future or ruminating about the past, the way I bring my attention back to the present moment matters. I can do it like a strict drill sergeant or I can do it kindly, recognizing that as human being we're all up against the same predicament of having these brains with a negativity bias that are wired to survive, not to be happy. The second one down of these guided meditations I recorded is a self-compassion meditation and you could experiment with that or you probably saw that there are a number on self-compassion.org. I will be totally upfront and say that I committed to doing this every day for a year about 6-7 years ago and it took about 3 months of practice before I began noticing a difference. http://www.danielleszasz.com/guided-meditation/ (Meditation)
 
Thank you Danielle, I liked the mediation very much. And also thank you for the reminder on the assessment. I had seen that and did not take it in the past. I was a 2.46 so I guess I'll get to work. Thank you for the suggestions.
 
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