I will try to make it as short as possible, but my history with pain is long, and to be honest this post is more or less scream for help.
So let starts from beginning(well, almost). I was always very happy kid. Right to the moment of middle school, when I start getting acne. I'm not talking about one or two pimples, but severe one, from this period on I always had worst acne in all schools - middle to high school, to university. I started to get bullied and ridiculed. Also before that I was very active, I was leader of my class in primary school, I even had 'girlfriend' and she was the prettiest one in my class. In middle school like I said it changed. Not only because I start getting acne, but also people changed. I was still pretty much naive, and good kid, while on the other hand almost everyone become vicious beast(called also 'teens'
).
I was trying to get help for my acne. Not only because I was bullied because of that, but it was just ugly, and sometimes painful. Also, I watend to have a girlfriend. I tried tons of creams, lotions etc. I strongly believed in modern medicine, so I went to derm. She only prescribe more creams and some antibiotics. Antibiotics helped, but only when I was taking them, and I couldn't take them for too long obviously.
Let skipped to university. I had still pretty severe acne, at this time I was hopeless. I thought I will never have clear skin. I had friend in univeristy though, with maybe even more severe acne than mine. He went to derm, and she prescribed him accutane and voila! His skin after half of a year was better. I thought about going to this derm too, I mean I was living all my live in small town, and now in bigger city I thought maybe derms here are better? But I couldn't book visit at derm that healed my friend, so I looked for second best one. She had good opinions on google so I thought- why not?
She prescribed antibiotics to me. I didn't want to do it, because I knew it was temporary fix, and I wanted accutane like my friend. This derm assured me that now I'm older so maybe antibiotics will work, and if not then after summer we can start accutane. I took those antibiotics for 3 months, and right when I was supposed to stop them my stomach started to hurt. After two weeks my teeth started to hurt too.
That was in 2011. Since then I never had one second without pain.
I tried anything. I thought that's only something temporary, and doctors will be able to fix me. I had gastroscopy that found only some minor inflammation in stomach(doctor told me this should healed itself in one week tops), I took some pills that lowered stomach acid, but that didn't helped. I had another gastroscopy, tons of ultrasounds of my stomach and gallblader(one time they found stones, but after some things I tried they never appeared again), MRI of my stomach, colonoscopy, tons of blood tests, I mean TON of them. They almost never found anything. But my dull abdominal pain persist. Together with bloating, gassiness(weird thins is that I ekhem fart all the time, but 90% of those farts are without smell! They are very loud but it's like passing pure air!). After few years I tried accupunture, herbs, visualisation etc - all alternative methods. Nothing even put a dent in a pain. Only thing they found is inflammation in bowel after testing my poop, but they cleared that out after colonoscopy. Only thing they found is possible SIBO but breath test I think maybe is not 100% surething....
Same with teeth. They are painful all the time, and sensitive. I feel it especially when I eat something hot or sweet, but they hurt me all the time. Weird thins is, they shift. I mean sometimes only one upper teeth hurts me, then next day(or hour) four lower one hurts me. I tried everything here too, dentists can't find anything. I exchanged all my fillings, I tried tons of mouthwash and different creams etc. Nothing even put a dent in a pain. I even had gum transplant in a spot that dentist though I maybe have more sensitive gums. I didn't helped.
All that time I was severely depressed. My quality of life was garbage. I finished my uni, and hang out in my parents home, crying all days and once I even had suicide attempt. I thought about my lost life. How before 2011 it was good(just with acne problem) and not it was shit, and I blamed myself. If I never took those antibiotis I could be healthy. I f*cked it up, and there's no escape.
Slowly I began to work at least on my mental problems. In 2015 I started some freelance working, and in 2017 I found my first real and good work. In summer 2018(so we almost in present day, yay!) I started mindfulness for chronic pain. It helped a TON for my mental state. I no longer cry, I'm even no longer depressed. But it changed nothing in my pain.
My life consist pretty much of only work and pain. Even when I work I think about my pain. I think 100% of time about it. How couldn't I? It's annoying, and grabs my attention. Even when I do some complicated stuff in my work, I'm doing it on autopilot, and most of my 'mindpower' is spent on pain. When I get to home I almost immedietaly tuns on PC and read about pain. I watch stories of handicaped or ill people that are happy in their lives, trying to be like them. I mean if they are in state worse that mine, and are happy I can do it too, right? I read about people that after doing some mental work get healed and I want that too! I've lost so much time, and opportunities, I never even had a 'real' girlfriend, but I just want to feel normal! I've tried therapies few times, but psyhologists don't help me. I'm not seeing one psyhologist that is better than ones before her, but I don't even think she believes me when I say to her I'm in pain 24/h
I've bought Dr Schubiner book, and Nicole Sachs book, and their pain journaling didn't helped me. After few months of writing I just wrote about EVERYTHING. I have now ok life, I just want to be painfree. When psyhologist ask me things like "so what would you do, if you become pain free", my response is - the same I'm doing now! It would be just so much better! I like playing video games, painting miniatures or watching movies but usually after max 15 minutes I stop doing those activies and go back to PC and read about pain and look for ANYTHING that helps me.
My recent obsession is fecal mater transplant. I've tried all probiotics etc, but I've never tried FMT to try alleviate my abdominal pain. But I know I will not be able to do it here, in very conservative medically country I live in. Maybe that's why I'm so obssesed about it? I think it's because antibiotics my stomach is in such shape but holly heck it's been 7 years already! So many people I've read that took antibiotics for YEARS in much higher dosages and sometimes they have no side effects, or they are fixed about few weeks of taking priobiotics, and those side effects are usually loose stools, and not pain 24/h
But I'm 90% convinced that my teeth/gum problem is TMS. I mean how it can be that they hurt me 24/h too, but pain shifts so often? Also when I wear mouthgaurd on my upper teeth, they stop hurting, but... lower teeth stop hurts to. Like - why? Weird thing is that they also hurt more when weather is about to change...
I promised it's gonna be a short one, but actually it become almost an essay. Sorry. I just had to vent. I was venting to my parents for years, but they were so tired of it. Since starting mindfullness I don't vent to anyone from my family, and my relationships with them are much better thanks to it. I just wonder - should I still invest time in TMS approach? Or it's pointless? So many people in my work are unhappy because they can't buy new car etc. I'm satisfied with what I have - cheap but reliable car etc. I just want to be pain free. I don't want to feel like I destroyed my life just because of one stupid decision. All this would never happened, so much suffering and pain. But if I never fix it, then it all gonna be for nothing. Just pointless suffering and pain, and lost chances.
Maybe I should abandon TMS approach? 90% of posts are about back pain, and I never had problem with back. Almost never anything hurts me, just teeth and stomach. Both rather not associated with tms I think.
P.S Sorry for my mediocre english. It's not my primary language, and in the middle of writing this I felt weird feeling of tearfulness. I want to live again, because now I only survive.
P.S2 Also, if this is not TMS then I just don't know what to do. I don't want to feel hopeless again, I don't want to live with the thought I will never be better. And I don't believe anymore 'normal' doctors, as they only harmed me to be honest.
So let starts from beginning(well, almost). I was always very happy kid. Right to the moment of middle school, when I start getting acne. I'm not talking about one or two pimples, but severe one, from this period on I always had worst acne in all schools - middle to high school, to university. I started to get bullied and ridiculed. Also before that I was very active, I was leader of my class in primary school, I even had 'girlfriend' and she was the prettiest one in my class. In middle school like I said it changed. Not only because I start getting acne, but also people changed. I was still pretty much naive, and good kid, while on the other hand almost everyone become vicious beast(called also 'teens'
).I was trying to get help for my acne. Not only because I was bullied because of that, but it was just ugly, and sometimes painful. Also, I watend to have a girlfriend. I tried tons of creams, lotions etc. I strongly believed in modern medicine, so I went to derm. She only prescribe more creams and some antibiotics. Antibiotics helped, but only when I was taking them, and I couldn't take them for too long obviously.
Let skipped to university. I had still pretty severe acne, at this time I was hopeless. I thought I will never have clear skin. I had friend in univeristy though, with maybe even more severe acne than mine. He went to derm, and she prescribed him accutane and voila! His skin after half of a year was better. I thought about going to this derm too, I mean I was living all my live in small town, and now in bigger city I thought maybe derms here are better? But I couldn't book visit at derm that healed my friend, so I looked for second best one. She had good opinions on google so I thought- why not?
She prescribed antibiotics to me. I didn't want to do it, because I knew it was temporary fix, and I wanted accutane like my friend. This derm assured me that now I'm older so maybe antibiotics will work, and if not then after summer we can start accutane. I took those antibiotics for 3 months, and right when I was supposed to stop them my stomach started to hurt. After two weeks my teeth started to hurt too.
That was in 2011. Since then I never had one second without pain.
I tried anything. I thought that's only something temporary, and doctors will be able to fix me. I had gastroscopy that found only some minor inflammation in stomach(doctor told me this should healed itself in one week tops), I took some pills that lowered stomach acid, but that didn't helped. I had another gastroscopy, tons of ultrasounds of my stomach and gallblader(one time they found stones, but after some things I tried they never appeared again), MRI of my stomach, colonoscopy, tons of blood tests, I mean TON of them. They almost never found anything. But my dull abdominal pain persist. Together with bloating, gassiness(weird thins is that I ekhem fart all the time, but 90% of those farts are without smell! They are very loud but it's like passing pure air!). After few years I tried accupunture, herbs, visualisation etc - all alternative methods. Nothing even put a dent in a pain. Only thing they found is inflammation in bowel after testing my poop, but they cleared that out after colonoscopy. Only thing they found is possible SIBO but breath test I think maybe is not 100% surething....
Same with teeth. They are painful all the time, and sensitive. I feel it especially when I eat something hot or sweet, but they hurt me all the time. Weird thins is, they shift. I mean sometimes only one upper teeth hurts me, then next day(or hour) four lower one hurts me. I tried everything here too, dentists can't find anything. I exchanged all my fillings, I tried tons of mouthwash and different creams etc. Nothing even put a dent in a pain. I even had gum transplant in a spot that dentist though I maybe have more sensitive gums. I didn't helped.
All that time I was severely depressed. My quality of life was garbage. I finished my uni, and hang out in my parents home, crying all days and once I even had suicide attempt. I thought about my lost life. How before 2011 it was good(just with acne problem) and not it was shit, and I blamed myself. If I never took those antibiotis I could be healthy. I f*cked it up, and there's no escape.
Slowly I began to work at least on my mental problems. In 2015 I started some freelance working, and in 2017 I found my first real and good work. In summer 2018(so we almost in present day, yay!) I started mindfulness for chronic pain. It helped a TON for my mental state. I no longer cry, I'm even no longer depressed. But it changed nothing in my pain.
My life consist pretty much of only work and pain. Even when I work I think about my pain. I think 100% of time about it. How couldn't I? It's annoying, and grabs my attention. Even when I do some complicated stuff in my work, I'm doing it on autopilot, and most of my 'mindpower' is spent on pain. When I get to home I almost immedietaly tuns on PC and read about pain. I watch stories of handicaped or ill people that are happy in their lives, trying to be like them. I mean if they are in state worse that mine, and are happy I can do it too, right? I read about people that after doing some mental work get healed and I want that too! I've lost so much time, and opportunities, I never even had a 'real' girlfriend, but I just want to feel normal! I've tried therapies few times, but psyhologists don't help me. I'm not seeing one psyhologist that is better than ones before her, but I don't even think she believes me when I say to her I'm in pain 24/h
I've bought Dr Schubiner book, and Nicole Sachs book, and their pain journaling didn't helped me. After few months of writing I just wrote about EVERYTHING. I have now ok life, I just want to be painfree. When psyhologist ask me things like "so what would you do, if you become pain free", my response is - the same I'm doing now! It would be just so much better! I like playing video games, painting miniatures or watching movies but usually after max 15 minutes I stop doing those activies and go back to PC and read about pain and look for ANYTHING that helps me.
My recent obsession is fecal mater transplant. I've tried all probiotics etc, but I've never tried FMT to try alleviate my abdominal pain. But I know I will not be able to do it here, in very conservative medically country I live in. Maybe that's why I'm so obssesed about it? I think it's because antibiotics my stomach is in such shape but holly heck it's been 7 years already! So many people I've read that took antibiotics for YEARS in much higher dosages and sometimes they have no side effects, or they are fixed about few weeks of taking priobiotics, and those side effects are usually loose stools, and not pain 24/h
But I'm 90% convinced that my teeth/gum problem is TMS. I mean how it can be that they hurt me 24/h too, but pain shifts so often? Also when I wear mouthgaurd on my upper teeth, they stop hurting, but... lower teeth stop hurts to. Like - why? Weird thing is that they also hurt more when weather is about to change...
I promised it's gonna be a short one, but actually it become almost an essay. Sorry. I just had to vent. I was venting to my parents for years, but they were so tired of it. Since starting mindfullness I don't vent to anyone from my family, and my relationships with them are much better thanks to it. I just wonder - should I still invest time in TMS approach? Or it's pointless? So many people in my work are unhappy because they can't buy new car etc. I'm satisfied with what I have - cheap but reliable car etc. I just want to be pain free. I don't want to feel like I destroyed my life just because of one stupid decision. All this would never happened, so much suffering and pain. But if I never fix it, then it all gonna be for nothing. Just pointless suffering and pain, and lost chances.
Maybe I should abandon TMS approach? 90% of posts are about back pain, and I never had problem with back. Almost never anything hurts me, just teeth and stomach. Both rather not associated with tms I think.
P.S Sorry for my mediocre english. It's not my primary language, and in the middle of writing this I felt weird feeling of tearfulness. I want to live again, because now I only survive.
P.S2 Also, if this is not TMS then I just don't know what to do. I don't want to feel hopeless again, I don't want to live with the thought I will never be better. And I don't believe anymore 'normal' doctors, as they only harmed me to be honest.
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What makes me believe in TMS is that Sarno was actually a true doctor, and other people continuing his work(like Nicole Sachs or Steve Ozanich) seems like normal, sensible people. 