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Is TMS approach even suitable for me?

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by Kozas, Oct 18, 2018.

  1. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    I will try to make it as short as possible, but my history with pain is long, and to be honest this post is more or less scream for help.

    So let starts from beginning(well, almost). I was always very happy kid. Right to the moment of middle school, when I start getting acne. I'm not talking about one or two pimples, but severe one, from this period on I always had worst acne in all schools - middle to high school, to university. I started to get bullied and ridiculed. Also before that I was very active, I was leader of my class in primary school, I even had 'girlfriend' and she was the prettiest one in my class. In middle school like I said it changed. Not only because I start getting acne, but also people changed. I was still pretty much naive, and good kid, while on the other hand almost everyone become vicious beast(called also 'teens' :D).

    I was trying to get help for my acne. Not only because I was bullied because of that, but it was just ugly, and sometimes painful. Also, I watend to have a girlfriend. I tried tons of creams, lotions etc. I strongly believed in modern medicine, so I went to derm. She only prescribe more creams and some antibiotics. Antibiotics helped, but only when I was taking them, and I couldn't take them for too long obviously.

    Let skipped to university. I had still pretty severe acne, at this time I was hopeless. I thought I will never have clear skin. I had friend in univeristy though, with maybe even more severe acne than mine. He went to derm, and she prescribed him accutane and voila! His skin after half of a year was better. I thought about going to this derm too, I mean I was living all my live in small town, and now in bigger city I thought maybe derms here are better? But I couldn't book visit at derm that healed my friend, so I looked for second best one. She had good opinions on google so I thought- why not?

    She prescribed antibiotics to me. I didn't want to do it, because I knew it was temporary fix, and I wanted accutane like my friend. This derm assured me that now I'm older so maybe antibiotics will work, and if not then after summer we can start accutane. I took those antibiotics for 3 months, and right when I was supposed to stop them my stomach started to hurt. After two weeks my teeth started to hurt too.

    That was in 2011. Since then I never had one second without pain.

    I tried anything. I thought that's only something temporary, and doctors will be able to fix me. I had gastroscopy that found only some minor inflammation in stomach(doctor told me this should healed itself in one week tops), I took some pills that lowered stomach acid, but that didn't helped. I had another gastroscopy, tons of ultrasounds of my stomach and gallblader(one time they found stones, but after some things I tried they never appeared again), MRI of my stomach, colonoscopy, tons of blood tests, I mean TON of them. They almost never found anything. But my dull abdominal pain persist. Together with bloating, gassiness(weird thins is that I ekhem fart all the time, but 90% of those farts are without smell! They are very loud but it's like passing pure air!). After few years I tried accupunture, herbs, visualisation etc - all alternative methods. Nothing even put a dent in a pain. Only thing they found is inflammation in bowel after testing my poop, but they cleared that out after colonoscopy. Only thing they found is possible SIBO but breath test I think maybe is not 100% surething....

    Same with teeth. They are painful all the time, and sensitive. I feel it especially when I eat something hot or sweet, but they hurt me all the time. Weird thins is, they shift. I mean sometimes only one upper teeth hurts me, then next day(or hour) four lower one hurts me. I tried everything here too, dentists can't find anything. I exchanged all my fillings, I tried tons of mouthwash and different creams etc. Nothing even put a dent in a pain. I even had gum transplant in a spot that dentist though I maybe have more sensitive gums. I didn't helped.

    All that time I was severely depressed. My quality of life was garbage. I finished my uni, and hang out in my parents home, crying all days and once I even had suicide attempt. I thought about my lost life. How before 2011 it was good(just with acne problem) and not it was shit, and I blamed myself. If I never took those antibiotis I could be healthy. I f*cked it up, and there's no escape.

    Slowly I began to work at least on my mental problems. In 2015 I started some freelance working, and in 2017 I found my first real and good work. In summer 2018(so we almost in present day, yay!) I started mindfulness for chronic pain. It helped a TON for my mental state. I no longer cry, I'm even no longer depressed. But it changed nothing in my pain.

    My life consist pretty much of only work and pain. Even when I work I think about my pain. I think 100% of time about it. How couldn't I? It's annoying, and grabs my attention. Even when I do some complicated stuff in my work, I'm doing it on autopilot, and most of my 'mindpower' is spent on pain. When I get to home I almost immedietaly tuns on PC and read about pain. I watch stories of handicaped or ill people that are happy in their lives, trying to be like them. I mean if they are in state worse that mine, and are happy I can do it too, right? I read about people that after doing some mental work get healed and I want that too! I've lost so much time, and opportunities, I never even had a 'real' girlfriend, but I just want to feel normal! I've tried therapies few times, but psyhologists don't help me. I'm not seeing one psyhologist that is better than ones before her, but I don't even think she believes me when I say to her I'm in pain 24/h

    I've bought Dr Schubiner book, and Nicole Sachs book, and their pain journaling didn't helped me. After few months of writing I just wrote about EVERYTHING. I have now ok life, I just want to be painfree. When psyhologist ask me things like "so what would you do, if you become pain free", my response is - the same I'm doing now! It would be just so much better! I like playing video games, painting miniatures or watching movies but usually after max 15 minutes I stop doing those activies and go back to PC and read about pain and look for ANYTHING that helps me.

    My recent obsession is fecal mater transplant. I've tried all probiotics etc, but I've never tried FMT to try alleviate my abdominal pain. But I know I will not be able to do it here, in very conservative medically country I live in. Maybe that's why I'm so obssesed about it? I think it's because antibiotics my stomach is in such shape but holly heck it's been 7 years already! So many people I've read that took antibiotics for YEARS in much higher dosages and sometimes they have no side effects, or they are fixed about few weeks of taking priobiotics, and those side effects are usually loose stools, and not pain 24/h
    But I'm 90% convinced that my teeth/gum problem is TMS. I mean how it can be that they hurt me 24/h too, but pain shifts so often? Also when I wear mouthgaurd on my upper teeth, they stop hurting, but... lower teeth stop hurts to. Like - why? Weird thing is that they also hurt more when weather is about to change...

    I promised it's gonna be a short one, but actually it become almost an essay. Sorry. I just had to vent. I was venting to my parents for years, but they were so tired of it. Since starting mindfullness I don't vent to anyone from my family, and my relationships with them are much better thanks to it. I just wonder - should I still invest time in TMS approach? Or it's pointless? So many people in my work are unhappy because they can't buy new car etc. I'm satisfied with what I have - cheap but reliable car etc. I just want to be pain free. I don't want to feel like I destroyed my life just because of one stupid decision. All this would never happened, so much suffering and pain. But if I never fix it, then it all gonna be for nothing. Just pointless suffering and pain, and lost chances.

    Maybe I should abandon TMS approach? 90% of posts are about back pain, and I never had problem with back. Almost never anything hurts me, just teeth and stomach. Both rather not associated with tms I think.

    P.S Sorry for my mediocre english. It's not my primary language, and in the middle of writing this I felt weird feeling of tearfulness. I want to live again, because now I only survive.

    P.S2 Also, if this is not TMS then I just don't know what to do. I don't want to feel hopeless again, I don't want to live with the thought I will never be better. And I don't believe anymore 'normal' doctors, as they only harmed me to be honest.
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2018
  2. EileenS

    EileenS Well known member

    Hi Kozas,
    I read all of your post and I feel very strongly that is TMS. You have already had a thorough medical examination of your digestive tract and your teeth and they found nothing. The majority of the posts on this site do appear to be about back pain, but many of us have never had back pain. My first tms symptom was my digestive system and it started after taking antibiotics that I didn't think I needed. Our digestive tracts will heal quickly after taking antibiotics, but it's the main organ people feel stress and emotions in. Coincidentally I just listened to a Nicole Sachs podcast and she mentions TMS and the stomach. Please listen to this podcast (link below) because what she says about the digestive system might be very helpful.
    https://audioboom.com/posts/7039832-038-nicole-sachs-q-a-part-ii (Audioboom / 038 - Nicole Sachs Q&A Part II)

    Teeth: Again, pain and sensitivity of teeth can certainly be caused by the mind body link, especially if you hold your jaw tight a lot or grind your teeth at night. I had this problem for awhile last year when I had one major life stress after another affect me. It went away when the stress was over.
    You sound like you have become addicted to reading about pain. This can easily happen. Try hard to wean yourself of this. Keep up the mindfulness work that you do and anything else that helps. You mention that you have seen a therapist. I would encourage you to work with a therapist again, one that understands the mind body link.

    Regarding Accutane: You sound very angry that you didn't get prescribed Accutane, but I am glad to hear that you didn't take it! My son has only used an antibiotic cream for many years. He still has pimples, but he said he didn't want to take the health risk of taking Accutane for the sake of having a clear face. One of his friends used Accutane and although it did clear up his acne quickly, it gave him a serious health problem. I have met other people who also had long term side effects from Accutane.
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
  3. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Kozas, welcome to the forum and I'm very glad you found us, because I agree with Eileen that your life history sounds like a classic tale of TMS. And your English is just fine, helped by the fact that you write very well, and you use punctuation and paragraphs to make your story easy to read. Not all English speakers do this as well! :p

    Two things:
    1. Go to our Success Stories subforum and start reading. You will find plenty of examples of symptoms and conditions that are not back pain. My own list of symptoms was quite long and was not limited to pain. Feel free to read my profile for that.

    2. You don't actually say anything about possible deep/repressed emotions that might be the result of childhood issues. We all have those, and many of us really need to go way back and get in touch with our childhood selves to discover why and how we came to be in so much physical and emotional pain. I know I did, and that was when I really started to experience healing.

    Good luck
    Sofa likes this.
  4. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    I was affraid that my post is too long already! My father was pretty much absent in my early life, and in primary school I treated one male teacher as my 'substitute' father. He taught me much more than my father. My mother was always very abbusive. Mentally, but to the point that I would preffer is she beat living hell out of me. She always laughed at my acne, not letting me out of home(she was EXTREMELY controlling) and always, always complaining. When I was a teen and tried to not be pushover anymore then it was even worse. I still live with my parents and my brother, and everytime I try to say anything to her, my brother and father are defending her. Why? Because they are happy she attacks me, not them. It's a dog eat dog home. But on the other hand she thinks she is best mother in the world, because she cooks etc And when I asked her to taught me cooking or ironing clothes she always laugh and say I can't do it, and I'm clumsy and pretty much worthless anyway. And she is always, always, always complaining and bitching about everything and everyone.

    At least in 5 last years she started to work again, and she works in different country so half of the year she is absent.

    I know that they weren't the best parents but I journaled about all that already. How much can I write about something like that? I reprocessed that, and it isn't bothering me as much as regret for my own decisions. Why? Because I never picked my parents, and my decisions were my own so I could made different decisions.

    Anyway, I'm very thankful for responses

    P.S Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, she can have her good days, but I can see how she destroyed parts of my life. She was very, very controlling, to the point to pick clothes I was wearing even when I was in high school. That's maybe why I'm kinda affraid of relationships with women - I'm affraid to be controlled by someone else. Of course I know not all women are like that, but that's one of my biggest fears, even if it's buried somewhere in my subconscious and I was aware of that only after journaling
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2018
    Sofa likes this.
  5. kimaya

    kimaya Peer Supporter

    I could relate to so many things in your story
    The obsession with pain , i too have/had that i used to google and read about other people’s stories and how some people are happy even with disabilities i used to read about that whenever possible during travelling , during break between lectures even if i had 5 minutes free i would read about it
    But I slowly banned myself out of other websites and just read tms success stories on repeat . After reading so much about pain it takes up time for your subconscious mind to believe in tms and as everyone say belief is the biggest part in recovery .
    Another point I strongly connected to is guilt of inducing the symptoms my symptoms also started on a trip after a uti i made a mistake didn’t take the full course and drank alcohol,
    I still regret that one day and often thing what could have gone right how my life would be so much better
    I blame myself and the doctor for not telling me about it
    Iam still not able to figure out how to forgive and forget i just want this weight to be lifted off
    Balsa11 likes this.
  6. EileenS

    EileenS Well known member

    Hi Kozas, It is very unfortunate your mother treated you like that and continues to do so. She will not change and I hope you have accepted that. Some parents are like that because they never learned from their parents how to show love to others properly.
    Try to move out into your own place as soon as you can. You might get grief from your parents for doing this, but I have seen it improve relationships between parents and their children. In the meantime, go back to journaling and try to do it every day.

    This is a common statement about journaling and one I said myself when I took a group mind body therapy course. I bought Howard Schubiner's book too and had done lots of journaling before taking the group course. At the first night of the course I said "But I journalled about that already!" I soon found out I hadn't done enough. I can tell from what you write you still have lots of journaling to do about your mother and your family. Rather than re-hash the past, start with the present. Much of what angers us is about little things that happen every day.
    Since you live with your family, you probably don't want to let out your emotions when journaling like you need to. Sit in your car in a parking lot somewhere that it won't matter that you are yelling, etc (eg, Walmart or Costco). If anyone taps on your window to find out if everything is ok, which I doubt they will do, say you are talking to someone on the phone.
    I will give you another link of Nicole Sach's part 2 interview. There are very good questions and answers and since you have her book, you probably know the kind of journaling she refers to. Make sure you listen to this podcast all the way to the end because I think you might find even the last question and answer helpful.
    https://audioboom.com/posts/7039832-038-nicole-sachs-q-a-part-ii (Audioboom / 038 - Nicole Sachs Q&A Part II)
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
  7. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    It's actually the same link you gave me previously :D But thanks anyway, it's very interesting interview. I quess what I lack is patience... but it's hard to be patient when you hurt for so long, and you are not even 100% sure it's TMS... I know this can hurt my recovery, but like I said before - 90% of people here are discussing back/neck/muscle problems and not abdominal and/or teeth. Part of my doubt is also because I bought many other books from "Dr" Joe Dispenza, Louis Hay etc and only after some time I realized that many people writing books about self-healing are... ekhem... "weird". Like "Dr" Joe Dispenza and this cult of Ramtha. I don't want to upset anyone who likes Dispenza or others, but every time I see any relation to cult/sect I'm quite cautius as in my country you either catholic or atheist pretty much :) What makes me believe in TMS is that Sarno was actually a true doctor, and other people continuing his work(like Nicole Sachs or Steve Ozanich) seems like normal, sensible people.

    I also have one question - do people have constant pain? My pain in teeth is shifting in strength and between teeth, but one in stomach is pretty much a constant one. It usually hurts less on evenings, and on weekends when I'm more relaxed I can cope better, but it's still there every second of my life
    Balsa11 likes this.
  8. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Kozas, your fearful brain is totally in control right now, keeping you obsessed, getting you to waste time by constantly asking others for confirmation that they've felt exactly like you do. This is a pointless exercise, because if we give in to it, it will never end, because you'll never get the answer that will make you happy! That's the whole point of the TMS mechanism. Go to the Success Stories subforum, do some keyword searching if you must, but you will find your confirmation there that people have had every symptom possible, along with the confirmation of what you need to do.

    Have you noticed that you are a classic practitioner of the "Yes, but...." answer? This is another brain trick to keep you distracted and going nowhere!
    Balsa11 and Lizzy like this.
  9. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    Haha I think you are 100% correct. This "Yes, but..." is something withing me, it started even before TMS. I always needed to have confirmation for everything ^^ This can have upsides, like it's a good approach when I was in class but I quess it's not good way to deal with TMS or even life in general! Thank you very much for response, it's so easier when other people show me errors in my thinking. I quess good way to deal with this is to be aware, that my own brain is trying to trick me(my mind).
    Balsa11, Lizzy and JanAtheCPA like this.
  10. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    I don't know, I feel stuck. I meditate, I journal and nothing really change. What bothers me nonstop is thought - "why me?" why I have still acne after almost 18 years? I teach in school and my pupils have less acne that I. Why I have constant pain in my stomach and teeths. I feel like ok one affliction is bad enough, but three? Why nothing works for me? All the time like a friggin movie in my head plays scenarios what would happened if I never had acne, or I would cure it when I was in early 20's, and not using antibiotics that destroyed me. I would probably be married, not single, I would probably be healthy, not with pain every second of my life. I have no defense against those thoughts, and even last time thoughts about ending it all creeps in. But I know I would never do it, I still have hope that I can improve my life. But it all seems so distant. I look at people and some of them thinks I'm lazy etc because I just can't work as hard with this constant pain, I need more rest. They would never understand how I feel. How could they?
    I have one life and I feel like majority of it constists of acne and pain. In the past I thought it's like some curse, because I've tried almost everything and nothing helped even a little. I still try to cure my acne and derms and cosmeticians don't know how to help me, they just want me to take accutane and I don't want it. And pain? Nothing helps it, I only know that stress makes it even worse. I know it's not a curse, it's just how it is, but is that all for me? Why? I'm not a bad person.
  11. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Kozas,

    I think you're probably not a bad person, and I see no "reason" this is happening to you. You're simply human, like all of us, and we're all prone to TMS. I am sorry it has been so rough for you.

    I suggest two simple things. One is to not worry about the pain and acne. Just let it be itself, while still doing some TMS practices like one of the programs on the Wiki, thinking psychologically, reading some success stories. I think you need more time at this, without pushing yourself for success. Just do the work, not too much per day, and attend to other things as best you can. Try to have some fun, be social, find ways to have pleasure and self-soothing, relaxation.

    The second is to have patience, with less worry.

    Neither of these suggestions is easy, but it is your path. No one else can do this for you, and I wish you the best. As you go, you'll learn more and more ---as you already have, about your life, your feelings, boundaries with others, and your loving nature. Try to focus on what you're learning, and less on symptoms.

    You're not a failure at life or at your TMS work. I think it is important to remind yourself of this when you're feeling defeated. I'm glad you posted your update.

    I like this meditation from Neff, and there others there you might like.

    Andy B
    Balsa11 likes this.
  12. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    I know, it's just so hard. Last 8 years were so hard... life was so good before this pain, and it could be even better if did damn acne would leave me alone in my early 20's. And yet it still persists, just like the pain. Nothing helps for anything, and I feel like I live just to survive, not to really live and be alive and at least partially happy like I was before. It's really hard, and I don't feel like I' archieving any progress. It's like I can try, and do whatever I can but I can't archieve what others have for free - clean skin, and no pain. I don't know any other 30 years old with acne, not to mention pretty severe too, and on top of it I have this stomach and teeth pain. My mind is like in constant "why, why, why me mode, why I can't be healthy, why I can't be normal".
    Yeah, I know I'm rambling... but I'm just extremely tired of all of this. It's not like I can take vacation from pain, I have to live with it every second of every day of 8 years... how much longer I can survive it I don't know, and why should I. I can't archieve any pain free day, and no girl will ever love my moon face.
  13. EileenS

    EileenS Well known member

    Hi Kozas, Have you been checked for Celiac Disease? It is a very under diagnosed disease and it causes a severe rash or severe acne in some people who have it as well as digestive issues. I know in previous posts you have described a TMS personality and past issues that would cause TMS, but I just want to make sure your doctor has ruled out this possibility.
  14. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    I had colonoscopy, gastroscopies and many standard blood tests, but you are right I should do blood test just for Celiac Disease. It seems like in my country many doctors still don't believe in Celiac Disease or even don't really know about it. Thanks for advice!
    EileenS likes this.
  15. Kozas

    Kozas Well known member

    I'm so tired of this pain. Today when I was driving back home my face hurts because of my acne, my teeth hurts, and my stomach was in agony. I will go for a test for celiac in next week, but I think TMS is still in me, I mean it's crazy in how much amount of pain I'm. I decided to buy Steve Ozanich e-book, I already read Nicole Sachs and dr Schuniber ebooks, but they didn't helped me. I like how Steve speaks in interviews, he seems like dunno, normal dude(no offense, it's just so easy to get what he means). It's impossible to buy books about TMS in my country, so I'm gonna buy an ebook.
    Hard part is that I can't speak about my pain with anyone. My parents thinks my pain just 'vanished' because in last half of a year I didn't tell them about pain(last 7 years I was talking about pain daily), and they think I'm healthy. I mean I act like I'm healthy, but I don't feel like I'm healthy. My psyhologist was pretty much worthless, and I live in small city so there's no many options. I feel trapped, like all the other people around me are pain free and I'm young, but so much older and sicker than them. I just wish to be okay. I don't need riches or success or anything, I just want to be okay. But for now I want someone to understands me. This forum is my only outlet, because I feel like my for my parents talking about any problems is 'haram'. They can talk constantly about financial problems, they talk about them and mourn and cry from when I was a child, but my problems were worthless. When I was bullied because of my severe acne in school and I told my mother about it she was like 'oh stop it, it's not a problem'. But she could talk and talk and talk about how little money we have, like I could do anything about it.
    I just don't know. I feel like there's no hope and I can cope with my health, but never be healthy again. And I will be alone forever, because nobody can understands it.
  16. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Don't worry about acne. Just wash your face and eat clean. It's not going to kill you.
  17. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Any advice for a lonely soul? @balto @plum @Dorado @Hillbilly @BloodMoon @miffybunny @TG957

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