Diana-M
Beloved Grand Eagle
Thank you to everyone who’s following my story… tomorrow I head home from the beach, the 150 miles to my house, a three-hour car ride.
I haven’t felt nervous all day. Before I came I was overwhelmed with anxiety for two days —so this is an improvement. It will be interesting to see how strong I am facing it all going back. Maybe my body won’t lock up like it did coming. But if it does, I’m going to tell it that I like the challenge. “Please keep it up.”
I’ve done a lot of thinking about what TMS puts me through to keep me afraid. Even at its worst the fear surpasses the pain. Fear is the worst thing for me. I have a really huge pain tolerance. And, most of my symptoms these days are just freaky— intended to frighten—not necessarily painful.
I do dread going home because I think my life needs to be straightened out some more. I’m not doing enough. I’m just sitting around waiting to get better. I’m going to change all that when I get home. Get some structure. Get some purpose. For one thing, I don’t have a job. This has been really tough on me. I have a few ideas, but I think I might start trying to do some cooking— looking for really good recipes and making them, no matter how hard it is to stand up. I’ll figure out a way.
This trip to the beach has been every bit worth what it took to leave the house— to face my fears— to challenge my symptoms. What a wonderful refreshing time to listen to the sea and watch the waves. Watching the waves is the perfect meditation. I think my adrenaline is down to zero right now. lol
P.S. some people wanted to hear about the food I had. I had some really good beer battered fried rockfish tacos topped with Jalapeno white cheddar, dressed cabbage, fresh Pico de Gallo & homemade cilantro garlic sour cream sauce. I also had some amazing eggplant parmesan from a restaurant owned by New York Italians. They really have the old world recipes. For dessert, I got a homemade custard eclair. It was insane! A special liquor store, Anthony’s, makes gourmet subs with all the freshest everything—razor thin rare roast beef, tomato, onion, cheddar and horseradish sauce. I had fried oysters one night—my very favorite. With homemade potato salad (a really good recipe! I think it has sour cream in it.) And one morning I had gluten free pecan pancakes from my favorite breakfast place. I dream of these pancakes when I’m not here. And last but not least: Smith Island cake, from an island in the Chesapeake Bay. Old ladies bake these 12-layer cakes with decadent frosting. The best is golden cake with fudge frosting. (now I can go home and lose some weight!)
I haven’t felt nervous all day. Before I came I was overwhelmed with anxiety for two days —so this is an improvement. It will be interesting to see how strong I am facing it all going back. Maybe my body won’t lock up like it did coming. But if it does, I’m going to tell it that I like the challenge. “Please keep it up.”
I’ve done a lot of thinking about what TMS puts me through to keep me afraid. Even at its worst the fear surpasses the pain. Fear is the worst thing for me. I have a really huge pain tolerance. And, most of my symptoms these days are just freaky— intended to frighten—not necessarily painful.
I do dread going home because I think my life needs to be straightened out some more. I’m not doing enough. I’m just sitting around waiting to get better. I’m going to change all that when I get home. Get some structure. Get some purpose. For one thing, I don’t have a job. This has been really tough on me. I have a few ideas, but I think I might start trying to do some cooking— looking for really good recipes and making them, no matter how hard it is to stand up. I’ll figure out a way.
This trip to the beach has been every bit worth what it took to leave the house— to face my fears— to challenge my symptoms. What a wonderful refreshing time to listen to the sea and watch the waves. Watching the waves is the perfect meditation. I think my adrenaline is down to zero right now. lol
P.S. some people wanted to hear about the food I had. I had some really good beer battered fried rockfish tacos topped with Jalapeno white cheddar, dressed cabbage, fresh Pico de Gallo & homemade cilantro garlic sour cream sauce. I also had some amazing eggplant parmesan from a restaurant owned by New York Italians. They really have the old world recipes. For dessert, I got a homemade custard eclair. It was insane! A special liquor store, Anthony’s, makes gourmet subs with all the freshest everything—razor thin rare roast beef, tomato, onion, cheddar and horseradish sauce. I had fried oysters one night—my very favorite. With homemade potato salad (a really good recipe! I think it has sour cream in it.) And one morning I had gluten free pecan pancakes from my favorite breakfast place. I dream of these pancakes when I’m not here. And last but not least: Smith Island cake, from an island in the Chesapeake Bay. Old ladies bake these 12-layer cakes with decadent frosting. The best is golden cake with fudge frosting. (now I can go home and lose some weight!)
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