Hi
,
Again: Thank you for your responses!
In the last 3 days, I had very bad and sad moments and one evening I was that much in panic that I called the telephone pastoral care - very good experience, it helped quite well and I just needed someone to calm me (+ my inner child, whatever) down. Additionally, I recognize that I wake up once or twice a night with a big amount of anxiety. Cognitize soothing works very good for this situations
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Based on you answers w. ideas, experiences etc. I could gain some insights and had som realizations:
In the last 3 days I had very important (and hurting) realizations about my last 2 two years and about the connection to my trauma when I was 20 (2011) - as mentioned, my father died in an accident. One core point is, that I felt highly responsible for my mom after the death of my father and this prevented me from becoming an adult in a free and open manner. When I was 20, I was on the way to go to an own appartmend. When my father died, I canceled all that, due to my mother and the whole situation. When I moved to another city when I was 23, TMS started. I was much depressed and had very deep feeling of guilty. And now: The pattern repeated when my girlfriend and I moved together into an apartment. She had a very challenging life situation in the last 2 years. This highly influenced our relationship and life became more and more negative, I felt unfree and step by step lost energy to meet friends etc. In this time, I have put 1000% of my energy in solving HER problems. I felt responsible and additonally WANTED HER TO BE HAPPY so that WE can be happy in our life. Now, I realize all that and on the one hand I am grateful about this realization. On the other hand I feel with myself, with the person who I was in these 2 years full of stress, pressure and responsibility for another person's life. In the review, it was horrible and I cannot understand, how I could manage all this stress. Wow...
All these insights were challenged by means of your ideas / shared information / experiences. THANK YOU!
What’s next? My girlfriend and I are on a good way. That’s the best release I could have.
But, now I have this health-thing and very much pressure due to being ill so often. I am thinking about my job and how I can explain, being that much ill. I made a plan in the last few days, how I can bring a stress relief and with whom I can talk in my company.
I would like to have a look on my current symptoms. I still feel „ill“. Neck pain, headache, dry upper respiratory tract and ears. Since 3 days, my left ear pressures and tonight I could not sleep due to that. So, I went to „ear, nose and throat doctor“ today to let it check. The doctor was great and we talked 50% of the time about stress and pressure and its consequences.
Diagnose:
- Nose, throat, ears are very dry and red --> physical reason for my uncomfortable feeling / pain
o Possible reasons: virus and/or allergy
- Parts in my throat that are an indicator for an activated immune sytem are swollen --> my system fights against something
- Jaw and neck muscles strongly tensed --> stress-related, source for headache and further „problems“ in my head
What are my takeaways?
- I am convinced that stress and the whole story above is the main source for my situation
- Knowing that there is really a „problem“ in my nose, throat, ears calms me down (not ONLY TMS)
- Muscle tension is a good diagnose, I can deal with that
- I will check the allergy thing – my grandpa had severe problems with allergy and my mother as well; maybe that comes on top but it’s rather a secondary thing - we'll see
... sorry for that much words ... I am glad to be able to share that.
Have a nice day / evening and best wishes
Sebastian
