UPDATE: WEEK 4 (Second Presence Process)
I'm finishing Week 4 of my second Presence Process today. During my first Presence Process, I didn't discover what my unconscious definition of love was. I'm not surprised, because I was still suppressing emotions with my pornography addiction. As recommended by TPP, I'm dealing with my addiction during this second Presence Process.
This morning, I discovered my unconscious definition of love. My father was always keeping busy, because kids stressed him out. He didn't want to get upset with us if he could help it, so he avoided instead. He didn't realize that's what he was doing. But I'm glad he did avoid instead of getting angry all the time. It taught me to learn how to do things on my own, which made me a very critical thinker with a lot of diverse skills.
However, that emotional signature was naturally passed down to me while in the womb.
The emotional signature is this: "I am a burden."
What I understood today was that my father felt he would be a burden if he engaged the family and got angry all the time as a result. He hated getting angry, but he got angry repeatedly, every time my sister threw fits. She did it often. And he would spank her for it. I assumed, when I was a baby, that I was a burden. I know this because I my mother says I was the best baby ever, always quiet, always easy to take care of. Psychologists will tell you that that means I repressed everything in order to be a people pleaser. I was trying to please my parents so that I wasn't a burden to them, and so I didn't get spanked. I repressed the authentic me (the real me), because I thought the authentic me was a burden. My mother also feels like a burden, so I got a double dose of that emotional signature. I likely could tell that I was a stressor to my mother when I was a baby, so I chose to repress in order to not be a burden to her.
When I was 22, I tried to kill myself because I felt like I was a burden to my parents and others (stress caused me not to eat or sleep for two weeks, which caused me not to be able to think straight--then I tried to kill myself). That was about 7 years after I had the same issue with not being able to sleep due to stress (the 7 Year Cycle).
There's a clear pattern of feeling like a burden in my family. And a pattern of taking care of others to make up for that feeling of being burdensome.
I married a woman who was very self-sufficient and capable. A woman who would not be a burden to me. I didn't exactly understand that's part of what attracted me to her, but back then, I wondered if that was part of why I was attracted to her. In other words, my unconscious definition of love is someone who isn't a burden to me and to whom I don't feel like a burden (or someone who will repress that and not tell me).
THE FELT RESONANCE
When I realized my unconscious definition of love this morning, the emotion came up, and I was able to cry for a bit. I felt it in my intestines.
Before lunch, I did my one-on-one session, allowing that emotion to come up again. At that time, I felt it within my eyes and nasal cavity, like a triangle. I developed bad vision when I was young (my eyes changed color around that time, too). I've always had allergies (sinus problems). And I developed digestive problems eventually that keep me from sleeping well from 3am-6am. All of the felt resonances I just mentioned happened in those areas. And for those who haven't read the other Presence Process thread, I mentioned that when I get angry, I often feel it in the center of my head, radiating out on a flat plain to my eyes, nose, and ears. I also have a slight hearing problem that runs in my family. When I can't hold that anger emotion, and my heart tries to stuff it, I feel the tingling anger in my head shoot directly to my nasal cavity, and I immediately sneeze a few times, and my sinuses go crazy. My son, or kids I'm responsible for, seem to trigger this. I discovered that during my first Presence Process. I was unable to feel all of that happening before the Presence Process.
Very cool insights. I'm very pleased.
