The Presence Process - Share Experiences & Ask Questions

UPDATE: WEEK 9, DAY 1

So I started today with a long bath session in hot water. 37 minutes. I changed my breathing to a quicker pace and somewhat deep breaths. Michael Brown mentioned that in Being Our Companion. My entire body started to buzz maybe 5 minutes in. So I stayed 37 minutes total instead of just 15-20 like I normally do. I felt that buzz a little in my arms and maybe legs too when I first started TPP and was breathing faster. It's a weird resonance. Cool, but weird. And my felt resonance of my unconscious definition of love was with me a lot of the day today, maybe as a result of the hot bath session. The feeling is in my stomach. And it used to cause me to feel overwhelmed. Now, it's pretty easy to deal with.

I understand now that it's associated with powerlessness. And the pornography addiction is a form of power, because it allows me to click a button on a video of a woman. It's like I have the power to control something. To control my happiness. In other words, pornography makes me feel less powerless. Also, I like the power and control of high horsepower cars and racing on a road course for the same reason. I like to win games and competitions for the same reason. They give the illusion of the selfworth I feel I don't have due to being powerless. But one good part of this power issue is that I'm a natural leader. When I utilize power in a loving, healthy way to help others, that's a response instead of an unhealthy reaction.

Something interesting happened a few days ago. I was in a hot bath session. Suddenly, I got this image in my head of a female, around my age, getting in the bath with me, wrapping her arms around me. I understood it to mean that I was relying on women outside of me to nurture me, because my family (and especially my mom) doesn't know how to nurture emotionally inside. Mothers are supposed to model that to a child, primarily. And each person has a motherly part of them inside that's supposed to nurture their emotions which will translate to healthy self-care on the physical level. It was like the image in my head was my heart was telling me it was enslaved (powerless) to this pattern, but it wanted me to step in and nurture it properly to set it free. Interesting occurrence. That was new.

I've gained a lot of insight into my porn addiction in this second PP. I haven't really looked at porn for the entire second P, though I would say I was bordering on it yesterday a just a little. But I'm noticing that the little bit I saw triggered the felt resonance, so it's serving to help me with this issue. I'm not purposely looking at it, of course, and don't plan on it. But what happened was useful. The issue still isn't fully resolved, but it's working its way out little by little. I've been crying again lately during sessions and sometimes when I'm sitting with the emotions.

 

Tarala,

Have you had that buzzing sensation all over or in your extremeties during a breathing session? I've heard it mentioned in a thread like this before, but I'm unclear if it's a felt resonance or just a result of faster breathing (2 seconds per breath, deep breaths). Apparently, slower breathing relaxes, and Michael Brown mentioned that that's not what TPP is intending to do with its breathing. When I do the faster breathing, I definitely feel this difference. But I'm a little confused about wheather this is a felt resonance or not. I with there were a comprehensive list of felt resonances...

 

That's a really good example of the difference between a reaction and a response. Thank you. This was one concept I was having difficulties grasping.

Well, I finished the book apart from the very last part that appeared to be relevant only once a person experienced TPP. There were so many great insights even if I was only processing them on a mental level. Despite his tedious writing style, as already discussed, Brown had me totally gripped at certain points. However I am trying not to dwell on what's to come.

Week 1 for me began last Monday and each day I have managed to remember the conscious response at least once. Words that describe how I am feeling during the breathing sessions are restless, impatient, irritable and easily startled. A few times I have felt something akin to an electrical jolt from within, always in my legs. I also set a timer for the 15 minutes which has an obnoxious buzz when time is up and this makes me jump too. I might try the stopwatch feature on my phone. One night I had a bath and then did the breathing session. I kept dozing off despite trying Brown's suggestion of increasing the tempo of my breathing. As for a comprehensive list of felt resonances, I wouldn't worry too much. Brown constantly reminds us that whatever we feel is valid.

As for starting TPP and doing other activities that attempt to treat the effect rather than the cause, I get where you are coming from. A couple of months ago I started on a modified eating plan, not exactly a crash diet, and some very gentle exercise which I wouldn't term 'working out'. Hardly. I will carry on with these activities but I will also watch out for the telltale overwhelm.

 

Correction, I was on Week 10 in that last post, not Week 9. Sorry about that. And I forgot to mention this is my second PP.

And I want to add something really gross. Ever done a really hardcore colon cleanse? When the really old stuff that's been lining your colon wall for a very long time comes out, it's black sludge. I'm not doing a colon cleanse right now, but the issues I'm dealing with resonate in my digestive tract. Lots of shame stored down there emotionally. Anyway, when I went to the bathroom one day while dealing with that issue, black sludge was coming out. Could've been coincidence, but I haven't seen that happen to me before, and I did nothing to provoke it. Interesting. They say when you do a colon cleanse, the stuff you're getting out hold memories in the toxins. As the toxins get released, you have sensations and emotions from the time the memory was stored. It's kind of like that was happening.

 

I've had the restlessness, impatience, and irritability during just a few of the breathing sessions. I'm guessing those are common. The shock in your leg is interesting. I think I felt something like that one time during a breathing session during my first PP. I've heard others describe that happening, too.

I use the stopwatch/timer on my phone (Android phone). The audible alarm isn't bad, but I like it silenced. The phone just buzzes and that's quiet and easy to hear.

I've heard Michael talk about the dozing off. He said that's perfectly normal and valid. He says to just keep up the fast-paced breathing each session. He says the sleeping can be deep seeded memories coming up for integration, and if you just keep going, it lessens and goes away eventually. So, eventually, the dozing/sleeping thing will pass. It's happened a few time to me, too. Very normal. If a person's really, really tired that time of day, the PP says a person can move the breathing session to a little earlier before bedtime (especially before bathtime, since that's really relaxing).

About the comprehensive list of felt resonances, that was more for my curiosity. I plan to speak about TPP in Recovery groups and I already speak about it in small groups, but there are a few aspects that I'm unclear on. I like to make sure I'm speaking 100% correct information when I speak. I don't like accidentally misinforming people.

Yeah, my workouts were started a few months before TPP. Luckily, it wasn't being overwhelmed that stopped my workouts. Being overwhelmed is tough. That's what got me started into TPP, actually.

Other examples of responses for me are: My son will cause me to be triggered, and anger will rise up in me. Instead of trying to control him to ease my anger, or instead of punishing him, if I catch myself, I'll choose to respond in a calm manner. I'll try to understand why he's doing what he's doing. And I'll try to make a very loving decision on what to do about it. That's one response (each situation is different). Another response is that I'll say, "Alright, I need to go to timeout for a few minutes to calm down." Then I go sit with the anger for a little bit. Another response is taking him to timeout, but tell him that I'm in timeout with him, because I need to calm down, too. Or we go to separate places to cool down by being with the anger for a little bit.

 

Wow, this Week 10 is much different than the last. At Week 10 the first time through TPP, I could feel things much better and I felt pretty good. This time, I'm not covering the anger with my addiction hardly any at all, which makes it come up. So, I'm definitely feeling things much better, like last time, but the anger is difficult. It's much closer to the surface now. A little fear, a little grief, and a lot of shame are mixed in, too. Also, the emotions coming up are causing me to become distracted with piddly things, so it appears like I'm being lazy. I have writing to do, and I don't do it, because other little things get in my way and I waste a lot of time with them. That goes hand-in-hand with these emotions I'm dealing with. Very interesting.

My health is not good as a result of these emotions surfacing. But I'm willing to go through that since I know this is directly addressing the cause of those health issues. It's nice to know I'm making some progress toward maturity (which brings integration [healing, sort of]). It sure is tough at times, though. I ended up looking at pornography a couple of days ago. Haven't done that since I started this 10-week process, so I know I'm being triggered bigtime. I'm okay with that, though, because when I was reading Michael Brown's Being Our Companion, he says that a person has to like the internal battle with addiction. He says we have to starve it a bit, then see how it affects us after we've done it again. What's happening is, a person is starving the addiction a little, which brings up some emotions to be dealt with via TPP. Then, they do the addiction again, and see how they feel afterward in their relief (the relief of finally getting what they want). This allows them to see how the addiction affects them emotionally and at the felt-resonance level, then deal with it there, little by little. Eventually, it goes away, because the emotions causing it integrate. I think loving the battle comes from loving our heart. We're in a battle for our heart, learning to fight with unconditional love. Eventually, love takes care of the dysfunction and we're no really triggered anymore. Or, if we're triggered, it's so minute that it hardly affects us. Our joy is much better than the addiction, so it's easy to not give in to the addiction. The breathing without moving builds willpower, as does the joy.

Keep in mind, there are certain addictions you don't do this with. Alcoholism and marijuana (and probably other chemical addictions, too) have to be stopped completely to do TPP, because they sedate and control emotions that need to surface to be dealt with, and because they're potentially dangerous to us and others. My addiction won't get anyone hurt or killed, so it's safe to allow it and pull back on it little by little. TPP recommends Recovery (12 Step) for people with chemical addictions in order to get clean before doing TPP.

I'm starting to think that I was executing some control over myself by not looking at porn, and now I'm in a better place to work through it slowly. I'm not sure yet, though. Just have to see how it goes. I think 10 weeks of starving it was a good starving period. I feel the feelings that provoke it much better now, which means I'm better equipped to address it.

 

Hey, I just wanted to add that in my last response to you, I wasn't saying not to do TMS. I was just conveying what TPP says about extra activities. TMS seems like it has a strong "mental" component to it, which can be distracting while doing TPP. I think if a person does the TPP work, they'll get a lot better at feeling. And once a person can feel, they start to understand the "why" behind the feelings and the actions. I'd guess that a person would be better equipped at that point to know if they need to do the TMS work or not. We each have to use our best judgment, though, when deciding what we're going to take on. So choose wisely (and gently). If you do extra stuff and get overwhelmed, I'd suggestion falling back to only doing TPP. TPP is easy, and yet the emotions it brings up can be tough at times. Gentleness is key.

Good luck! Can't wait to hear about your experiences with TPP!

 

ETT (Emotional Transformation Therapy)

I had an ETT appointment yesterday. The counselor/facilitator helping me with it is going to have me try the one-eye technique during our next session. She believes there's anger inside that I'm unable to let go of for some reason. The one-eye technique of ETT apparently is very powerful. When you let go of an emotion, suddenly, you see a big black spot in your vision. If you don't see a black spot, you're not ready to let the emotion resolve, and it stays. This should be interesting.

I know whatever happens is required, so I'm not worried about it getting in the way of anything. But I was thinking, "If I don't get used to feeling this anger, I won't be as well equipped to deal with anger if it comes up for a different reason." I don't think this is a concern, really. If part of my anger gets "unstuck" (resolves/integrates), it just means that a chunk of my energy-in-motion (emotions) is now flowing, which helps. Whatever anger is left will come up when it's supposed to, and I can get better at responding to it and resolving it when that happens. I just hope this technique isn't stuffing anger instead of releasing it. I don't think it is, because I'm in control of what happens. It's not like I'm doing something to purposely stuff it. Even if it did get stuffed, I could just bring it up again and deal with it later. So, I figure this is a win-win. That'd be awesome if a huge chunk, or all, of my anger was suddenly integrated.

I'm a very mentally-driven person. I love figuring things out and understanding how they work. And I can use my mind to bury emotions really well, too, without realizing it. Maybe this will give me a helping hand in getting past my mind so I can resolve these dysfunctional emotions. We'll see! I'll let ya know how it goes next Thursday.

 

Let's here some other people's experiences!

I feel odd posting so much. I figure people get tired of hearing just my perspective on what I'm experiencing in TPP. I can't wait to hear more about other people's experiences!

 

LAST DAY OF 2ND PRESENCE PROCESS

WARNING: This dream I'm about to post has one very disturbing thing in it (just remember that it's symbolic, of course, and the symbolism is important).

DREAM INTERPRETATION FROM THIS MORNING

Interesting day today. Early this morning, I had a dream about a terrorist family coming into my home (which was an apartment for some reason) posing as friends, or at least friendly people (A father, mother, and maybe 2 or 3 adult sons). Family members of mine were in the room, but I don't know who they were. I stood at the back of the room watching, because I knew something bad was going to happen. I wasn't worried about it though, because I knew it wouldn't work, whatever it was. The wife of the terrorist family unveils a bomb strapped to her back. She and the others shout something about this being for Allah. I still wasn't worried--just calm. She hits the detonator and nothing happens. She panics, and the others are panicking, too. I walk to her cautiously with my hands spread and said, "Everything's okay. God's with us." I detached the cables from the battery of the faulty bomb. I was expressing to the lady that I wasn't upset with her and all was well.

While I was distracted with the woman, I didn't notice the husband take one of my relatives--a child--to the back of the apartment. I heard a strange streaming. I rushed to the back of the apartment to check the closed doors and figure out which room he was in. The terrorist and the child were in the second room I checked--a bathroom. I tried to push open the door, but it was block. So I either pushed harder or kicked it in. The hindrance moved, and the door swung open. What I saw next was disturbing. The terrorist father stood there, as if he'd completed his mission and was done. And a naked baby, on its back, partly in the water, head submerged backward. He'd drowned it. A feeling of horrible grief came up in me at first, because I thought it was my son. But that emotion got stuffed fairly quickly somehow by a subconscious mechanism. Then I woke up. I cried just a little, then later, when I figured out what the dream meant, I cried some more.

Here's what the dream meant:
In the Presence Process, dreaming is said to be the time we process emotions that didn't get processed during the day. If we're processing emotions well during the day, we don't dream as much, and we sleep better. In the book, we're also shown how to interpret these dreams. Males older than you are your father. Females older than you are your mother. Adults around your age are you. Kids represent you at the age of the kid in the dream. A 5-yr-old kid would represent me at 5 years old.

So, I stood at the back of the room, calm. My "family" in the room were different parts of me. The terrorist mother and father were my mother and father causing turmoil inside of me with threats (my mom would threaten with my dad spanking us if we got out of line). My mom panicked when the bomb didn't go off (she's a nervous person, and panics when things go wrong, especially back then). So I stayed calm and tried to calm her (I was super quiet and easy to take care of as a baby [calm], because I knew I stressed my mom out--which is exactly how I was behaving in the dream). While I was distracted calming my mom in the dream, my dad took the kid in the baby in the back and drowned it (this was my authentic self that was drowned--it was a result of me staying calm instead of getting angry and standing up for myself as a child against my dad's spankings and discipline). So far, no psychology studies have shown spanking causes anything but resentment of parents. This is because parents get angry, and take out the anger on their children instead of thinking of more productive ways to work with the kids. In other words, spanking isn't about the kids--it's about the parents getting triggered by their kids due to emotional issues. The parents don't know any better, so they continue on like normal. Perfectly understandable. But for the kids, they can either rebel more in anger to stand up for themselves, or they can shut down like I did, not allowing their authentic self to be heard and utilized. This makes a kid feel suffocated in life, and powerless. I've had allergies & sinus issues since I was a kid, and I had just a little trouble breathing as a kid if I ran too terribly hard, and I've had endurance problems all my life. I'll link all of those to these issues real quick:

1. Breathing = Life

If a person has trouble breathing, there's a fear of life itself (of taking in life), to some degree. Asthma sufferers probably all had some fearful emotions passed down to them when they were born and they probably got triggered as a kid or just happened to manifest at a young age. I've had issues breathing since I was a little kid, but never fully asthma, thankfully.

2. Allergies/Sinus Issues = A repulsion to something about life, and anger.

I have had allergies and sinus issues since I was a baby. While doing the Presence Process, I noticed that I can feel anger resonating from the center of my head. And if I can't hold the emotion there, I sometimes feel the resonance travel from my head into my sinus cavity and immediately make me sneeze from the tingly sensation it causes there. It makes my sinuses start up. Very strange.

3. Endurance Problems = Stuffed/stuck emotions, especially anger.

Emotions are energy-in-motion. Or "emotion" for short. Anger, grief, and fear are three dysfunctional emotions. They are emotions that were once healthy energy-in-motion, but became stuck and turned into dysfunctional emotions. If we have enough of these emotions stuck, it can cause a lack of energy, because our fuel (energy-in-motion) is stuck. Energy is only useful when it's flowing. The energy that converts into anger when it's dysfunctional is especially energetic. If we stuff enough anger, we'll have very little energy. I'd stuffed so much anger early on that I didn't have nearly as much endurance as other kids. And I had the above issues, too, as a result.

So, the dream made a lot of sense. It was confirming what I knew logically--that I had stuffed my anger to protect myself against my dad and to appease my mom's stress levels, which caused me to stuff my authentic self. It kept me safe as a child, but it no longer works as an adult. That's why I must now stand up for myself instead of just being calm. I have to protect myself. In the dream, I was distracted trying to take care of my mom calmly, which caused my dad to "kill off" the real me. That dream was dead-on accurate. That all made me feel completely powerless (which is my biggest issue). It wasn't my dad or mom's fault. They had similar situations passed down to them, and they passed them on to me. At least I know how to deal with the issues now. They didn't have any way to deal with them. It must have been hard for them.

I also thought it was interesting how I didn't realize that September 11th was today (9/11), but Presence, who crafted the dream, knew it and put terrorists in the dream. That was also a flashback. When 9/11 hit, I didn't think it affected me, but it did. 6 days later, I tried to kill myself. I didn't make the connection till a few days later. My fear had been triggered when the terrorists attacked, but I didn't feel it. I wasn't aware of the underlying fear. The fear was already welling up for a week before the attack, stressing me out along with all my other issues. That started the downward spiral. And the attack continued it. Apparently, lots of people could feel something bad was about to happen before the attacks. They triggered my powerlessness. So I tried to kill myself. Very strange. I realized during my first presence process that it was powerlessness in my 1-2 year of life that caused me to try to kill myself at age 22. The dream sort of confirmed it.

This was all fitting for my last day of my second Presence Process where I was dealing with powerlessness. Very cool.

 

A while back, I said my unconscious definition of love was a feeling that I was a burden. I just wanted to point out that the feeling itself is the unconscious definition of love, not the mental description of being a burden. That mental description is just the further insight into how that emotional signature feels or makes me feel. So, when I would search for "love" in the past, it was for the purpose of suppressing that feeling. I just didn't know that's what I was trying to suppress. I just thought I was unhappy and needed "love" to be happy. Actually, I didn't "think" that consciously. I didn't know why I was driven to find "love" so much. I was just driven by it blindly. In reality, I was trying to find something outside of myself (love) to fix the emotional signature that was painful. In other words, because I didn't know how to love myself and love that emotional signature so that it would integrate/resolve, I was trying to get it from outside of myself. I wanted to use someone to give that to me. But it cannot be given. It only comes from inside. Everything else is suppression. I've learned how to truly love myself unconditionally in the Presence Process. So, when that feeling comes up, I can be with it unconditionally as many times as needed, as long as it takes, until it integrates. And I have to make sure I do my best to respond to how it makes me want to act instead of reacting to the way it wants me to act. That's important. I'm not very good at this yet, but I'm working on it.

It's helpful to keep in mind that we usually think love is that feeling we get when we find someone we really like, or someone who really likes us, or both. Actually, that's desire. It's wanting to be desired (because we don't desire ourselves) or it's wanting to desire someone else (to suppress a feeling). It's usually both. That's not love at all. It's selfishly seeking to suppress a dysfunctional emotional signature. That's not a judgment. It's just how it is, and that's okay. It's required for us if we go through it. And if we're in that situation, hopefully we'll see the person's actual function in our life. Their function is not to love us, but rather to reflect back to us what our unconscious definition of love is. In other words, they're to reflect back to us what love is not. That's key. Our immediate family is who reflects our own issues back to us the strongest. If we continue to be asleep, unaware of this phenomenon and unaware of how we're supposed to respond to it to heal, we'll be stuck in pain and suffering from these felt resonances (which contain the emotional signatures) that are stuck within us, causing our physical problems. Our illnesses will get worse until our heart gets our attention enough to where we'll address it with something like the Presence Process. Once we address it, the felt resonances and their emotional patterns begin to resolve and we have more energy and our health issues resolve.

What you'll notice is that you don't seek out a person to date or marry once this happens, because you'll be happy, joyful, peaceful, and content within yourself. This takes a long time. Someone may come around whom you discover will be your mate, but you don't have a desire to obtain him or her. You just know it's right, and they know it's right, and there's no dysfunctional driving emotion behind it all. Or if you're already married, you'll find that your marriage is a lot better, because your spouse, and family members, aren't having to reflect any emotions issues back at you (they do it unconsciously). If we're not dealing with the internal issues, they'll reflect to us outside of us through circumstances and family members to get our attention. If we address them internally, they have our attention, so they don't need to cause a reflection in the world to trigger us anymore. The more we deal with them, the less they manifest in painful ways outside of us. The unconscious definition of love is the most important one to integrate and should take the longest to integrate. Who knows how long. That's not our concern. It happens when it happens. We just do that work of being with it until it integrates.

 

I've just been invited to a group of guys who are doing a Presence Process starting at the same time. We'll post on our private Yahoo Group about our experiences each week. I don't get my 3-week break, but it'll be cool to experience it at the same time as others. I'll let you know how it goes. If I knew the guys, I'd offer to invite others in. I only got in because a friend of mine knows them. Maybe next time they do it, I can invite others.

 

Hi Brian, I don't want you to be all on your lonesome in this thread. I think Tarala is away on her travels at the moment. All of the above sounds fascinating, especially the dream. I know I don't completely get everything at this point but I am learning.

During week 2 after one of my breathing sessions I sat and waited to see if something would come up. I had no particular body sensations during week 2 but I did have some really weird imaginings. I stayed alert to any potential messengers. This week I am choosing to respond although that's not always working out and I do still lapse into reaction. Today I had a particularly challenging telephone conversation for work. After I got off the call I was trembling quite visibly. I tried to stay with it thinking this was one of those incredibly uncomfortable feelings I would normally try to rush away from, i.e. suppress. I felt like a rag doll or jellyfish. My vertebrae had melted. I could also sense a pulling in my right calf which has been visiting me periodically over the last couple of months. I trust this is what is meant by the felt perception?

The 15 minute sessions are much easier now. I barely notice the time passing. I haven't mastered full attention on my breathing for the entire session but I am always aware of it even when it's in the background of my thoughts. After my first read through of Week 4 I believe I came to the conclusion - actually it hit me like a freight train - how inauthentic I have been in terms of my career choice. Since then I have given in my notice. I'm self-employed and need to work through cases until they are complete. Once they finish, I am done. I told my manager this and was asked if I still wanted to be kept informed of any new cases that came along so if I changed my mind... My instant reaction was to be a people pleaser and say 'yes'. Instead of reacting I recalled Brown talking about one who says 'yes' when they mean 'no' and vice versa. I gave the authentic response of 'no'. This is a major coup for me. The earth didn't cave in, no one shouted at me and I've had no regrets. I generally have to sleep on decisions. A few times I have made decisions, slept on them and woke up in a cold sweat thinking "OMG, what I have I done?!" Not this time.

Who knows what my unconscious definition of love is. The journey continues....

Good luck with the group, Brian.

 

Thanks, yb44 (I can't remember if you gave your name earlier, but if you have, I've forgotten it--I'm bad with names sometimes). I appreciate that. And, like you, I'm learning, too, so I don't get everything yet. I've been working on my issues for many years, but I only started TPP about 25 weeks ago.

Sounds like the anxiety I've experienced. Every once in a while, I get a very light version of that coming up and my hands will shake just a bit. I try to stay present with it and not react. I've seen that one so many times, though, even before TPP, that I'm good at responding to it...I think! lol From what I can tell, it happens to me when I'm afraid I'll offend someone, causing them to reject me or get upset with me (a fear of abandonment). I don't think those thoughts consciously. I just get that sense from the situations in which it's popped up.

As for the pulling in your right calf, that could very well be a felt perception. It's for that reason that I wish there were a comprehensive list of felt perceptions, or at least a partial list so I could get a better idea of what they are and what they aren't. But, like someone said earlier, we kind of just have to go through the process and trust that we'll eventually figure out what we need to know. That's kind of how I've always approached it. The Presence Process book only tells about a few of them with very little description.

That's how my first 10 weeks was. My second 10 weeks eventually became more difficult due to some emotional patterns that came up. I'm still dealing with them and making a little progress here and there. Michael Brown says that it takes many years to get to the point where you can keep your attention on your breathing for the entire session. Some lady known as a meditation guru says her mind wanders sometimes when she meditates.

That's awesome! Takes a lot of guts to do that. Can't wait to hear about your future experiences!

Thanks so much for sharing. Good luck!

- Brian

 

Had an interesting experience last night. My son triggers anger in me a lot. Makes me feel like a pretty awful parent/person because I can't enjoy my own son. It triggers the powerlessness I felt as a kid which I quickly silenced with lies and repression. It triggers a feeling of shame (lack of innocence).

Well, last night, while my son and I were watching TV, I made sure I didn't give in to any behaviors that suppress emotions. I asked how the situation made me feel emotionally and on the felt resonance level. Eventually, I had a distinct felt resonance come up in my gut area (that's where the shame sits) and in the bottom area of my lungs (that's the area fear often affects). I've never felt it at the bottom quarter of my lungs before. When I was a kid, and even now, I get winded a little quicker than I should if I run hard or jog. Ever since I was somewhat young, I got the impression that my lungs couldn't take in enough oxygen for some reason. When that felt resonance came up in my lower lungs, I realized that I was right. A portion of my lungs just doesn't take up a lot of oxygen due to fear having some affect on it. That's why I get winded and have a lot less endurance than others. Makes it harder for me to work out, too. I think I'll be able to work out better once I the fear resolves.

In an earlier post, I said fear and grief were easy for me to deal with, but anger was hard. But I'm starting to think that I just haven't really felt my fear full force yet. When I do, it'll probably be difficult to sit with. I think I've only felt tiny pieces of it so far.

Anger is a cover for fear, without exception. There's always a fear hiding beneath the anger. I get stuck at anger and never get down to the fear. So, I've been asking Presence/God to let me feel my fear. Grief and anger are both products of fear. Grief is loss, and so a fear of loss is beneath that due to a lack of contentment and acceptance of how life is. And anger is a way to protect against feeling fear. I've been worried about anger, but really, I've needed to experience the root of the anger--fear.

 

I watched the entire Ken Burns tv series, The Roosevelts,
and it was a terrific shot in the arm to not let fear into our lives.

FDR said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

I especially liked what Eleanor Roosevelt said:
"Courage is more exhilarating than fear."

 

Thanks Walt. I agree. Courage is lots of fun.

I think it's why I love racing so much. The rush is amazing when you go into a turn at 130 mph. It really anchors you in the present moment. In Being Our Companion, Michael Brown talks about how doing activities like racing or rock climbing or other similar activities anchor a person in the present moment, which is useful. But when they become so routine that we start thinking/contemplating/worrying about stuff in general while we're doing them, they're no longer beneficial for anchoring us in the present moment. I was glad to read that, because I'd been thinking that for the past several months and wondered if that was accurate.

I find it highly ironic that I handle fearful situations so well and yet there are big parts of my heart that are trapped in their own fears, and I'm unable to access them as of yet. I'm hoping the fears will start rising to the surface soon for processing.

 

Walt, have you gotten through the book and started TPP yet?

 

The first pages of Week 4 in the book talk about the discomfort we may feel whether this is emotional, mental or physical and how we suppress our discomfort in all sorts of ways by ignoring it, getting drunk, etc. This is right on cue because over the weekend I had contemplated taking a valium or having a drink due to anxiety which up until now hasn't been my greatest challenge. You have to realise that I HATE valium. I have a few leftover from last year when I allegedly - according the doctors - had a disk prolapse in my lower back. When I was younger my father took them for hypertension. At the age of 11/12 he decided that I needed to calm down and gave me one. He then invited me to help myself whenever I felt a bit nervous. I did and found myself getting dependent on them. So thus my distaste for this particular drug. As for alcohol, half a glass of wine and I lose control so I rarely drink. However the urge to partake was unnaturally strong. I'm starting to see why many reviewers on Amazon said "this isn't for the feint-hearted". The messengers are coming fast and furious but I'm seeing the messages they bring as an opportunity rather than a threat.

 

Addictions are hard. I was 12 when my addiction started. TPP says that the longer one has had the addiction, the longer it can take to get rid of it, so be gentle and patient with it, pulling back from it slowly. However, it also says some people must stop their addiction completely before even starting TPP, because some addictions greatly block the emotional messages. Addiction is very tricky. In Being Our Companion it says we have to love the battle. I'm slowly getting to that stage now, I think.

You pointed out the main transition, which is that you see messages (dysfunctional emotions) as opportunities for growth now rather than seeing them as bad. I had come to that conclusion mentally, to some degree, before I started reading TPP. But when I read it in TPP, it got into my heart finally, and a lot of my fear subsided.

Thanks so much for sharing!