Thanks for sharing, Morreion. I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time, but it's totally understandable. Abuse really does a number on kids, and dissociation is about all out can do when you can't overpower the adult. Did you dissociate to the point of becoming multiple? If so, there are methods for fully healing from that. Heck, you end up better than if you hadn't endured the abuse, oddly enough, because all of your health problems go away after the therapy is done and you're fully integrated. For now, you could consider speaking to the part of you that's been triggered each time and is on the surface as a result. View it as a small child and tell it that they're just emotions and they can't kill you. Love on the child unconditionally as it feels the emotions. The feeling of unconditional love actually counteracts the emotional pain quite a bit. The more you feel the emotions without distracting from them, the better you get at it and the more pleasant it feels when you experience them. We don't do it perfectly every time and we always mess up since none of us are perfect, and that's okay. It's expected and completely normal. We just do the best we can and keep moving forward. Emotions aren't good or bad. They're indicators of our state of being at the moment. They're helpful. But the more we fear and avoid them, the more they run our life, controlling us. Sounds like you're working on staying present with them, but I don't know if you're loving on each child that comes up when you get triggered and speaking gently and lovingly to it to reparent it. Sharing the truth with it helps a ton, too, and allowing it to express its emotions. Hope that helps. If you have ever seen an inside world or you lose time or hear voices (of alternate personalities) inside, let me know. We can see if you're multiple and then I can give you some ideas for how you might proceed.