I'm talking about UN-consciously not wanting to heal. They don't even know they don't want to heal. Remember, that the TMS exists as a protective mechanism. It exists as a shield between the person and their fears. They themselves have created the wall of protection. So it's like, duh, of course they don't want to experience what's behind that wall. That's the brain doing them a big favor! Now comes decision time...
So they come to a fork in the road of their lives. There they stand, beer in one hand, Xanax in the other. One direction is freedom, the other direction is more suffering. We all know where the road of continuing suffering takes us. But the freedom road will put them back into life, into the criticisms, the spotlight, the energy demands, and into possible failure again. It actually sets them on the road to being human again, with all their flaws and open wounds--ego's biggest fear. But as Jung said, "there is no wholeness without imperfection." The freedom road is scary with unknowns of immense proportions. But it's also the road to deep happiness. So which direction do they choose? They often choose neither, which is procrastination highway; the fast road to nowhere, where they still feel safe.
I know I am coming into this thread a bit late, but there is a lot of reading on this forum. Reading this quote was a peculiar coincidence ... but really, there aren't any coincidences. I had just emailed my brother today about my mom's behavior. And then to read this ....
My husband and I moved here to be closer to my mother. She had a brain aneurysm a few years ago. Her recover is considered a miracle. Prior to this event, we were not on good terms with each other. She had become an alcoholic, and her behavior was intolerable to me. I had a great deal of difficulty reconciling the mother I worshiped as a child to the cruel person she was revealing herself to be. The details of what she was doing is irrelevant for this thread ... what IS relevant is how she is now.
Shallow, with various pains, refusing to be anywhere other than the surface of her thoughts. She was molested as a very young child. Her mother is a genuine psychopath (not the criminal variety .. a personality issue) who has created a ripple effect of damage through four generations. I have tried to reach my mom, to encourage the both of us to seek healing ... but she blows me off. Giving up her alcohol is not going to happen. She continues to gain weight.
My mother loves me. Really really loves me. She often has referred to me as her hero.
I have always been the real 'mother' in our relationship. As a child, I would comfort her, but not tell her my problems. During her darkest days, she deliberate hurt me and admitted it. Jealousy, she said.
She has pain. She has deep emotional pain. And she absolutely does not wish to confront it. Her road to happiness is not delving into herself. She may fling out her hostility and bitterness about what her mother allowed to happen (her mother was cheating on her dad, and the boyfriend is the one who molested her), but she won't hear anything else when I try to get her to consider healthier ways of dealing with this.
This quote is exactly her. She does not wish to go there.
It saddens me deeply, almost into a grieving. My mother is lost and I cannot reach her. I can only be here for her to continue to lean on when she needs. I can never speak to her about the 'broken child' that was created because of her life-choices. She was doing the best she could with what she had been dealt. In truth, compared to her sister, she did far better with her kids. My brother and I survived and are very strong. My cousins are far more broken from the horrors, and will likely never emerge from their life-long substance abuses.
Thank you, Steve, for giving me this insight. I have been struggling in confusion over her behavior. Now, there is some sense in it.
with grace and much gratitude,
^_^
