Takes me back, but I’ve madr incredible progress

[Mani]

I haven’t been feeling so great these last days. Its just a cold but its pretty bad and i just have sore throat headache and couldnt eat. Anyway, I hadnt eaten in 2 days, I just went downstairs to level with my folks. Suddenly theres this annoying ass sound and im looking around like what the fuck is that sound. I’m half deaf so i cannot localize sound. Well it turns out it was my sister fucking with me with stupid digital sounds on her phone And like goodness me I just cant for the life of me understand why she would intentionally start doing shit like this to me when im in such a vulnerable state. She knows perfectly well that i cant stand digital sound. Especially being pretty much homebound and shes seen me go through these setbacks ‘caused by digital sounds’.Ive made that clear a million times. You know a lot of times my family make me feel like were all in this together but these situations are such bitter wakeup calls. Not just that my sister can be an incredible bitch but also a reality check in the sense that im really not close to ready to return to my old life.

In hindsight its not just the sound because ‘whatever sounds happen and ill survive.’ However just it takes me back to so many memories of not feeling heard and just her awful antics. I remember her walking into me moms plants on purpose and it sounds like such a minor thing but we all know how much my mom hates it and she just does it to fuck with her and ill see my mom breaking down like ‘why dont you care about my wishes’. My dad keeps telling us not to put our fingers on the laptop screen. I never really did that anyway but good to know ill remember to use something else. Then im watching something and i see her putting her sweaty ass fingers on the screen knowing damn well my father hates when she does that. I gotta listen to them having the same ol’ convo every week about fingers on the screen and she just does not give a fuck.

I just dont understand it. All my life ive been walking on egg shells trying to not be a nuisance meanwhile my sister is just ragebaiting people for the fun of it. It just takes me back to all the times i felt like my needs were just shoved aside — I’ve always felt like speaking up for myself just wasnt worth the effort. All these big personalities constantly claiming the social space and me sitting silently in my room as to not disturb anyone. No one caring about me whatsoever.

I also saw diana talking about her mental progress. Even though the symptoms havent gone, she knows how much progress in other facets she has made. Its the same for me. I’ve been in this for less time than diana but i just feel like i know whats happening and that these things arent as emotionally loaded and i can just write about it here and be good. I still just have no idea why my sister does shit like this but its more of an intellectual issue than really emotionally painful. Its not playful banter what shes doing its just plain sabotage.

Dont feel bad about not responding. I know no one cares but i just need to vent. Just to end on a positive note: I’m good. Shit happens and i feel disregarded but we move and tomorrow ill be having a new good day. Its scary to think about life but i feel like im moving in the right direction

 

[Mani]

And also it was kings day here and you can look up videos of amsterdam it is crazy and i see all these people having fun in loud environments wondering whether ill ever be able to indulge in stuff like that again

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

In hindsight its not just the sound because ‘whatever sounds happen and ill survive.’ However just it takes me back to so many memories of not feeling heard and just her awful antics

I care and this is a huge realisation - you've really nailed it in terms of what seems to be the cause underneath. It seems like the symptoms are repressed rage at your sister that you can't express, as well as hurt because your needs were shoved aside as you said.

And also it was kings day here and you can look up videos of amsterdam it is crazy and i see all these people having fun in loud environments wondering whether ill ever be able to indulge in stuff like that again

Ironically my only Kings Day when I was there I was in agony also and couldn't participate, so cheers!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Geez, what is wrong with your sister, @Mani? And how old is she? She sounds like a nightmare.

I honestly can't remember if we've talked about all of this before. Maybe in the "early days", but you've come a long way since then, so maybe it's a different discussion now?

I know this sounds simplistic - and it is - but if I take your family dynamics at face value, just as you've described them, I want to address two things:

1. What is it going to take for you to decide that your sister is not worth your consideration? You're not required to love her. She might be too dysfunctional for your love. Maybe she's mentally ill, and that's sad, but love is still not required.
Questions: How much guilt are you possibly carrying about her? More importantly, are you possibly grieving the loss of being able to have a normal sibling relationship? Look to your isolation. Isolation is LOSS.

2. The dysfunctional dynamic between the two of you and your parents is SO messed up I don't even know if a skilled family therapist could ever figure it out. But let's get real - Who are the adults that allowed this to develop?

Obviously it's your parents. It occurs to me to wonder if your isolation could be a function of having been, in essence, abandoned by your parents in the face of intractable family dysfunction that they are incompetent to manage.

The same questions I asked before still apply. I feel like you've mentioned the guilt you feel about imposing your disabilities on your family. The thing is, it's always ridiculously easy for TMSers to feel guilty, because we are all about judging and criticizing ourselves. What most people with serious symptoms are NOT good at is acknowledging repressed negative emotions and criticism of our parents, even though it is often the parents who have failed to nurture and protect the child. Remember, this failure is the perception of the child, and it must be taken seriously. It is irrelevant to argue about this from an adult point of view. A child is not an adult, and that is the whole point.

Mind you, most parents don't fail their children on purpose. They fail them because they are only human and s*** happens. That's not the point of understanding repressed emotions. The whole point of the TMS brain function is that the immature child in us secretly blames our parents for abandoning us in some way. It's secret because it's unacceptable and therefore it is repressed. This is basic TMS theory.

Your parents essentially abandoned you, due to their inability to control this horrible sister of yours, who is also their child. It's obviously an impossible situation and I know that you don't want to blame them - but your emotional freedom requires that you acknowledge that a childish and immature part of you DOES blame them - and that same child desperately grieves the loss of their protection.

In other words, you are sitting on a shit load of loss. It's heartbreaking.

 

[Rabscuttle]

Such a great post Jan.

 

[Mani]

It seems like the symptoms are repressed rage at your sister that you can't express, as well as hurt because your needs were shoved aside as you said.

I’m not sure if its the cause – especially because this was already over once symptoms started – but its just a painful bit of family history…

1. What is it going to take for you to decide that your sister is not worth your consideration? You're not required to love her. She might be too dysfunctional for your love. Maybe she's mentally ill, and that's sad, but love is still not required.
Questions: How much guilt are you possibly carrying about her? More importantly, are you possibly grieving the loss of being able to have a normal sibling relationship? Look to your isolation. Isolation is LOSS.

Yeah I would have preferred another sister but she was actually pretty apologetic… I’m not perfect either you know. I wouldnt wanna lose my sister and shes not all bad. I actually think she’s matured a lot and ive appreciated her being there a lot of times. Shes 22yo. I dont know family dynamics are just soo complicated i wouldnt be able to do them justice without writing a book.

2. The dysfunctional dynamic between the two of you and your parents is SO messed up I don't even know if a skilled family therapist could ever figure it out. But let's get real - Who are the adults that allowed this to develop?

The worst dynamic is that between mom and my sister. Yeah sorry jan i just really couldnt — i kind of have an idea for myself but its so long winded. My mom had a frozen shoulder twice and migraines and all sorts of physical tms problems which seem to have gone now that sister’s moved out. But my mom also really couldnt fulfill my sisters needs. Thats why these relationships are so painful. Its so common to just have people not get along at all. I always felt terrible for my mom but my dad always reminded me that it wasnt all my sisters fault; he’s right.

My parents didnt want to constantly intervene. I fully understand that they didnt wanna pick a side but with someone as cut throat as my sister that just means there’ll always be a loser. When i journaled about this i tried being less nuanced but this has so many layers.

My dad told me that when he made us sandwiches he always gave me the messed up one because he knew my sister cared so much about stuff like rhat and i didnt even notice. I understand — I just know how draining these fights can be and i personally also decided that it just wasnt worth the effort. Outside of my home i didnt have any trouble fending for myself but at home yeah it was just… My sister has always had issues at school too and then thered be fights at home.

One of the things that was most painful for me was my parents getting mad at me and punishing me when i never wanted to upset them. I wanted nothing more than to make my parents proud and sometimes theyd get so mad at me and i wouldnt understand why and that just hurt me so bad. I already cared so much i upset them and then id also be punished when i never meant to do anything wrong. My father got mad at me a lot without me really knowing why. Punishments werent needed at all; I only ever wanted to be good.

But i know these people and they all deep down have good intentions. Maybe im also weird and hard to communicate with. That fingerprint thing with my sister bugs me so much. She wants so bad to have good relationships with us but its an action that speaks of so much disregard. Especially my dad always telling me about those fingerprints made by her and just seeing her do it when i know how much it bothers my dad. But yeah maybe i do other weird shit. When you zoom in on certain things its easy to maybe get a distorted picture. I have never loved and also not really appreciated anyone in my family but i did really need them and theyve always wanted to support me. Its since my tms struggles that ive loved them so much more and felt so much more cared for and actually like i also was allowed to exist. Its really healthy and therapeutic for me to be the center of attention, as much as i found it uncomfortable at first.

That's not the point of understanding repressed emotions. The whole point of the TMS brain function is that the immature child in us secretly blames our parents for abandoning us in some way. It's secret because it's unacceptable and therefore it is repressed. This is basic TMS theory.

Youre right Jan, I’ll write about it some more; see where it ends up.


You know a lot of shit is really sad but some people are sexually assaulted or had parents that were always fighting and i also feel blessed that my parents have a really good relationship. If they were fighting constantly that would totally break me. It just makes me feel like i shouldnt make this any bigger than it is: dysfunctional family dynamics.

This is a huge load that ill hopefully take with me to my own new family but ill also have my own blind spots and give my kids the wrong treatment and hurt them, as much as i want to be good. But thats the problem: most people deep down want to be good. Some people are just so caught up with their own problems that they fail to take care of others needs.

I posted about this because i know that stuff like this is hurtful but ive written about it a lot and i dont get the strong emotions anymore that i used to. Maybe theres tension below the surface; I’ll try to look for it.

But yeah when im breaking down right now and just dont really see the way out the only people i want are my family. As dysfunctional as it has all been i need them so much. I couldnt do it alone. I wish to in the future but right now ive never been more dependent on my family.

Jan I want to echo Rabscuttle that this was a really great post by you. I wrote about this jsust to vent but having you acknowledge it really helps me. The thing i just said about SA is exemplary. I struggle to acknowledge my own problems sometimes. Especially because i know the mostly good intentions that have always been behind it. I never needed parents that got mad at me because i always tried my best but i understand that when youre young maybe thats not really conveyed. Its so complicated — it really is. I just have to acknowledge what its done to me and posting about it and seeing you recognize it helps a ton.

Yeah I should make a compilation of all the nice rhings ive said about my sister in the posts ive made before. Its jist weird dynamics, i couldnt do them justice.

Thanks jan

It seems there is still great progress to be made for me

 

[Mani]

Its kind of funny. I actually get quite happy to see my family coming home. I used to always think ‘for fucks same, there they are’. I usually went upstairs before they actually got inside. But its also good to feel love for my family that i didnt really before.

And also to know that it wasnt all my fault i didnt really love them and that i am actually capable of loving and not just a heartless pos

 

[BloodMoon]

Its really healthy and therapeutic for me to be the center of attention, as much as i found it uncomfortable at first.

The danger here though is that it could keep you from progressing further. No symptoms = the attention moves elsewhere, because you won't need your family's help in connection with them—and your TMS-prone brain might subconsciously resist that. I think it helps to be aware or remind oneself of that possibility, to prevent the brain from 'going under the radar' about it.

 

[Joulegirl]

Mani-one of the things I learned on my TMS journey is to not make excuses for other who have hurt you. It negates your feelings when you say, "This person hurt me, but they aren't that bad, or they didn't mean to, or they had a lot going on..." Don't give them the excuse. You can tell yourself that a person had hurt and that makes you mad/sad/disappointed. End of story.

For example, my dad was very absent from my life in my childhood (emotionally/physically). I would give him the excuse that he dealing with my mom and an unhealthy relationship with her so he was doing the best he could. But he was adult. Both of my parents were the adults! Not me. He should have made the time to have a relationship with me-no excuses. It helped me accept that my childhood was hard and not supportive for what I needed.

 

[BloodMoon]

Mani-one of the things I learned on my TMS journey is to not make excuses for other who have hurt you. It negates your feelings when you say, "This person hurt me, but they aren't that bad, or they didn't mean to, or they had a lot going on..." Don't give them the excuse. You can tell yourself that a person had hurt and that makes you mad/sad/disappointed. End of story.

For example, my dad was very absent from my life in my childhood (emotionally/physically). I would give him the excuse that he dealing with my mom and an unhealthy relationship with her so he was doing the best he could. But he was adult. Both of my parents were the adults! Not me. He should have made the time to have a relationship with me-no excuses. It helped me accept that my childhood was hard and not supportive for what I needed.

I agree with @Joulegirl.

I think there should be a term for this—like 'parent/guardian-excusing'. It's a habitual trap in TMS/mind-body situations, where repression (including excusing others' harming and/or neglecting us) fuels symptoms.

Even in circumstances where parents or caregivers were so messed up themselves they couldn't care for us as we deserved, it makes no difference to the fact that we needed to be cared for and loved. Our inner child is very angry about it whether the care was selfishly and/or negligently and/or intentionally withheld or not.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

@Mani my friend, your responses are overflowing with rational excuses and understanding and forgiveness - and it's making me gag with the knowledge that this is a bunch of goodism garbage that is literally choking you in order to keep repressing the honest RAGE that your subconscious has been hiding since you were too young to understand it.

Goodism is one of the primary traits of TMSers. It's also a primary instigator of Repression. This is Sarno 101.

Your rage is obviously there, because it slips out all the time, but OMG your TMS brain can't cover it up again fast enough! You have got to fight that. You have to be willing to not just look at it, but acknowledge it as legitimate, accept it as normal, and embrace it as part of who you are.

The only way to do this is to go back and become little Mani. This is the deep shit vulnerability that we talk about, because it is so terrifying to expose ourselves to the insecurities and the primitive needs of ourselves when we were young and helpless.

This isn't easy, but I discovered that I could get there by visualizing from memory a photograph that my father must have taken, of me as an infant, maybe 6 months? lying on my mother's lap with my head on her knees, staring at her as she smiled down at me. It exemplifies to me the implicit promise made by all well-meaning parents, to love, nurture, and protect this new human being, no matter what.

In reality this is an impossible promise, thanks to the uncertainties of life, the imposition of outside influences, and our own built-in bias towards anxiety and negativity! Nonetheless, the infant does not know about or recognize any of that. The infant only understands, instinctively, about the promise. They have every right to expect it to be kept, and develops rage when it starts to erode. And then they learn to repress the rage in order to fit in and survive.

Which is why everyone ends up with what we call TMS, to a greater or lesser extent.

 

[Ellen]

You know a lot of shit is really sad but some people are sexually assaulted or had parents that were always fighting and i also feel blessed that my parents have a really good relationship. If they were fighting constantly that would totally break me. It just makes me feel like i shouldnt make this any bigger than it is: dysfunctional family dynamics.

Don't do this, Mani. I did this kind of minimizing of my pain for decades and it got me no where. You need to face the facts as a child would. A child doesn't know anything that is going on in other families. He only knows the emotional pain he is feeling. Until you face this emotional pain, you will continue to produce TMS to mask it.

 

[Mani]

The only way to do this is to go back and become little Mani. This is the deep shit vulnerability that we talk about, because it is so terrifying to expose ourselves to the insecurities and the primitive needs of ourselves when we were young and helpless.

I have already done a bit of inner child without any rationalizing but at some point i just kind of ran out of things to say. It also doesnt feel as heavy as it used to. My rationalizing is definitely a coping mechanism and i try to really be in touch with what things do with me instead of trying to rationalize what i should be feeling.

At some point isnt it time to accept and mourn for the past but to look ahead?

I’ve told my parents and sister that we didnt do that well. There was no room for me; I honestly feel like i wasnt supposed to be here at all.

I remember wondering what love meant when i didnt feel any affection for my family. ‘Am i broken?’ I know im not broken; I’m actually quite a nice guy. I’m gonna write about it tonight. See what i can dig up still.

 

[Diana-M]

@Mani
Reading your post is hard. It hurts to hear. Your life IS bad. It’s really bad. It sucks, in fact. I’ll say it for you. You have really been through something rough and you still are in it. (Yes, you’re learning a lot and all that…but…) Nonetheless you’re in a crazy-making environment.

I once read about these women who went through something terrible in a war and saw terrible things, and they went blind. Their brains just turned off their eyesight. I always think of them when I hear your story. Your ears don’t want to hear any more. They just can’t hear it. And if they do, they’ll have to reconcile it all.
And it’s not reconcilable. It makes no sense. And that’s what abusive screwed up families feel like. Yes, of course you love your family. Kids who have cigarettes put out on them by their parents want their parents. They love their parents.

Kids have a dilemma. They know they need care to survive. When that care is missing, they can’t make the parents be faulty. That would be unbearable. Zero security. Then the world won’t make sense. They need their parents for survival. So the kid takes on the faults. The kid bears that burden, to keep the parents good in the kids minds’ eye.

This is nearly impossible stuff to get past. You probably have a trauma bond with your sister. (Do a search on trauma bond.) it’s a big emotional trap. But despite that, you can overcome this.

Right now, you still go in and out of denial. Denial is a safety mechanism. You will admit stuff about your sister, then a few days later, everything’s great. I get it. Totally. It’s so hard to bear reality. really hard. All this is at the root of TMS.

I wish I could say that if you accept all this you’ll instantly get better. That hasn’t been my case. I also had a psycho sister on top of all sorts of other abuse. She made my childhood even harder. We are estranged now (her choice); but now I’m glad. I know she would only make me sicker.

My thought question for you is: (You don’t have to respond, just think it over). Would it truly be IMPOSSIBLE for you to live without your family? Or would it be impossible to really admit what they do to you? Really own that and feel it? Right now you are a human self sacrifice. Thats what TMSers do. They sacrifice themselves to hide the truth.

I’m still in it, brother. I feel for you so deeply! I relate to your trap. I wonder still, what am I masking to avoid facing? What am I distracting my entire family from facing with my TMS? Those are the deeper questions.

Hugs!

 

[Mani]

Would it truly be IMPOSSIBLE for you to live without your family?

Lol, if i were put on the street right now theres a good chance id kill myself, and im not at all exaggerating when i say that.

I know everyone will get mad that i say this but im very much at the mercy of my parents. When i went to thailand i was doing so poorly i had to call my parents every night until i fell asleep. Thailand was supposed to be me breaking free but it was the thing that kicked off this mess.

This is nearly impossible stuff to get past. You probably have a trauma bond with your sister.

She didnt ask for me to come into her life either. I wasnt equipped to deal with her and i needed my parents to step in.

When i was talking about people with a messed up youth i was thinking of you. Like people did you wrong.

I was just the victim of dysfunctional family dynamics. But im also really sensitive. I copes with this by moving into my head and rationalizing everything because actually feeling it all was way too scary. I’m thankful that ive finally woken up to that. I feel a lot more now.

Right now, you still go in and out of denial. Denial is a safety mechanism. You will admit stuff about your sister, then a few days later, everything’s great. I get it. Totally. It’s so hard to bear reality. really hard. All this is at the root of TMS.

I’m not denying how awful this family was for me; I’m denying that its the product of malicious intent.

Did my parents give me enough attention? No they didnt

Did they try to be good parents? of course

were they? for me not really

are they still trying? yes

do you appreciate them for taking you seriously and not berating you even though youre 20 and cant take care of yourself? yes i do

With how ive fared in other communities itd be foolish to assume that its all someone elses fault. Maybe i was a shit brother to my sister and i wouldnt feel bad about that at all because i dont owe her jackshit, but she doesnt either. I think somewhere along the way i picked up some faulty habits. Now is the time to learn how i should work.

I cant cut these people out at all. I’m not ready. I doubt id be ready if i didnt have tms. I thought i wanted to move out yet here i am. This is it. These 3 people are all that i have. They may not have been perfect but theyre the best i can do currently.

Lol its a bit of a weird dynamic to make a post flaming my family and then to staunchly defend them in the replies. I hear all of you but if you spoke to them for a bit youd understand. They are not bad people. Like i said i became the victim of a dysfunctional household. Its a tragedy from my pov but nothing more.

Thanks diana. I dont know. I dont want to be dependent on these people but id crumble if i were alone right now.

 

[Diana-M]

I hear you, @Mani. I believe what you’re saying. It’s good you can be honest here with us and explore your feelings. I’m rooting for you!

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I’m not denying how awful this family was for me; I’m denying that its the product of malicious intent.

There's definitely balance and wisdom in this and I don't necessarily disagree logically - the problem is that this has to come after acknowledging and appreciating your anger and your hurt, otherwise the logic will lead to suppression and will be viewed by your inner child as further punishment and abandonment.

You're not wrong and this balanced view may very well be what is left/where you get to at the end, but you need to do things in the right order. Compassion before the inner child is soothed (fed so to speak) is just rooted in fear and it's not really compassion at all (you're fearful of the consequences of not justifying the behaviour of your family). True compassion comes after acknowledging all the hurt and anger, and that's when you can truly let go and look at the situation for what it is (as you're no longer holding onto hurt - understanding of why a certain person did this X, Y or Z is coming from a different place).

At some point isnt it time to accept and mourn for the past but to look ahead?

Yes but you might not be there yet - once you can sit with your anger/hurt without guilt (and in turn not make excuses for the behaviour of others - doesn't mean you can't be somewhat understanding and like I said above from my experience that will naturally flow through in the end), then you're there. I'm not making a judgment as to whether you're ready or not, that's up to you (and better discussed with a therapist), but just wanted to raise this

 

[BloodMoon]

There's definitely balance and wisdom in this and I don't necessarily disagree logically - the problem is that this has to come after acknowledging and appreciating your anger and your hurt, otherwise the logic will lead to suppression and will be viewed by your inner child as further punishment and abandonment.

@Mani What @Adam Coloretti (coach) is advising you here in particular (and in the rest of his reply above) is gold!

I'm the daughter of a narcissist and someone who was very self-centred if he too wasn't a narcissist. I didn't get the love and understanding I needed as a child so I stuffed those feelings down with food from the age of 7 (without consciously knowing why I felt the need to do that) and this 'stuffing' continued into adulthood, destroying my life.

I see, and have always recognised, the good stuff my parents did do for me and I am grateful that I was more fortunate than a lot of people because I wasn't sexually or otherwise physically abused. However, by the same token, my recovery from mind-body/TMS and from comfort eating/food addiction did not flourish until I realised how hurt and angry my inner child was.

Expressing my hurt and anger in unsent letters to my parents that I immediately destroyed afterwards helped a great deal by releasing the body tension tied to that anger and hurt—and learning to self-soothe in healthy ways was equally vital.

 

[Mani]

Expressing my hurt and anger in unsent letters to my parents that I immediately destroyed afterwards helped a great deal by releasing the body tension tied to that anger and hurt—and learning to self-soothe in healthy ways was equally vital.

I have done quite a bit of this but i feel like doing it again so that must be a good sign

I too loved @adam Coloretti (coach)’s comments, really insightful.


You (or i think it was you) said something about making sure that the acknowledgement and attention im getting right now does not unconciously keep me from getting better.

I notice that when my parents make a sound, they look at me ‘did he hear that?’ or like an apologizing gesture or whatever. I find it very hard to act like i didnt hear or wasnt bothered by sounds. Its obviously part of tms work to not respond to triggers but the acknowledgement just hits like crack. After some introspection i have decided that i would rather get better than get eternally acknowledged when someone makes a noise. I’m also a bit worried that when i dont respond to noises, they think i dont hear it and that they can be louder. Its a really weird dynamic. ‘Sorry i didnt mean to disturb you with noise’ is a message that i needed my entire childhood and i do weirdly find it comforting even now; even though i feel really uncomfortable when asking people to keep me in mind.


I dont know whether ive said this before but something as stupid as photos on vacation. I had all these people asking me: ‘send me photos’. It were physical therapists parents of whomever just loads of people. Whilst on my trip I was sitting there thinking about all of them personally and i wanted to send pictures and a message but i didnt because i still thought nobody wanted my pictures. Its laughable and i didnt think anything of it until i noticed how much i loved getting pictures from my friends individual trips.

I love keeping in touch. I love taking some time out my day to ask people how theyre doing and to tell them a little something about me. However, I never do that because i feel self indulgent. Like i only do it for me and to talk about myself and not to actually keep in contact.

The latter part of this message isnt for you specifially, moon. I just caught myself pondering and i figured id post it.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

This is some heavy pondering, @Mani! I feel like your area of study ought to be some kind of combination of philosophy, sociology, and psychology because there's an element of each in these questions. I think they are pretty relevant to the human experience.