suicidal thoughts

[Sarah Jacoba]

it's really hard to post that thread title.

but I've been feeling that way more than ever. I've had pretty severe chronic pain a lot of the last 22 years. I believe in TMS theory. I have conquered a number of symptom areas, such as painful shoulders and arms and jaw pain, but chronic urinary symptoms have made my life hell.

I have everything to live for, optimistic outlook, very successful business, stable family life. but seeing urinary symptoms go from 6 week bouts a couple times a year to 50% of my life or more, and dealing with this for a decade and only seeing it get more entrenched...I am losing hope, and that is damning. this symptom is like torture in a Netflix crime series. sooner or later the tortured person will do anything to have it stop. I'm beginning to feel like I cant stomach the idea of life going on like this indefinitely. It makes me not care about all the wonderful, wonderful things I have and believe in.

my brain is the ultimate feedback loop. it would almost be better if I had constant, stable urinary/pelvic pain like the jaw pain I used to have. but the cycle of urinating, getting a few brief moments of kind of relief and then having it build up again is the ultimate TMS trap for me, because it keeps me interacting with the pain. ignoring it hasnt done any good. interacting with it in the form of EFT or strategizing or doing meditation or breathing hasnt done any good. I'm screwed if I do and screwed if I dont.

honestly I was able to escape jaw pain not by believing in TMS theory (that just got me to stop seeking medical solutions at great financial cost). I escaped it by chewing gum. period.

I escaped upper body pain by putting squares of gaffers tape on pressure points. it broke the sensation-mental frustration loop enough to letting me not be afraid and not obsess.

those things enabled me to stop feeding the fire, to have a sense of control and a sense of hope.

I feel like I have to find that same kind of loopbreaker with the urinary symptoms or I'm literally going to be dead.

 

[birdsetfree]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Being in pain for that long is hell. I was in pain and completely disabled with back pain for 15 years so I know how you feel.

I have also dealt with urinary frequency/pain from time to time over the same period and was told it was interstitial cystitis. It tries to play up now every so often but I just time myself when I go. If I feel full after only ten minutes, I tell my mind to "stop it I know what you are doing, I do not have a full bladder". I calmly try to get busy with something else. For a couple of days it is painful and uncomfortable but I just try to accept this and before I know it the problem has gone.

I think your 'loopbreaker' may be believing that this is caused by your own mind, accepting your symptoms for now and waiting for time to pass.

 

[Ellen]

I used the same technique that @birdsetfree writes about above to address my urinary frequency. It works!

 

[Sarah Jacoba]

For me the loop breaker is going to have to be physical. I have tried the above and it hasn't worked. And I've tried. ....for 10 years

 

[Tennis Tom]

I assume you've been to doctor's and uros. What do they say? What meds are you taking for it? I get an occasional bout of UU, but they are fewer and far between. Some of this comes naturally with the aging process like needing to wear reading glasses, most everyone has it to some degree as they age. It's the TMS turning it into an issue creating a distraction to escape the emotional that creates the discomfort, physical and affective. Once I figured out that TMS was the volume control, it was no longer a big deal. A doctor friend clued me in about Flomax that helps with symptomatic relief. It took a while to fade away until my unconscious got the message.

 

[Sarah Jacoba]

Yes done plenty of doctors. Nothing is wrong and its mysterious, essentially

 

[Tennis Tom]

Yes done plenty of doctors. Nothing is wrong and its mysterious, essentially

Have the docs given you an RX for your UI symptoms? I believe there's a female equivalent of Flomax (generic: tamsulosin). Flomax is also being used off-label for women.

 

[Lady Phoenix]

Have you watched the 20/20 video? Have you read one of the books? It is essential to understand the process and why it works. I understand how you feel. Many of us do. Remember that a 90% success rate is phenomenal. For this reason, I hope you are not too quick to rule out the psychological aspects of chronic pain/conditions. I would never have believed it if I did not watch this video and also Dr Sarno's educational DVD.

Mine was migraine pain every waking moment of my life. I had given up. Now I am 99% cured and still improving. The forum with success stories might inspire you. I loved reading them while I was "recovering".

 

[alexisblairezielke]

I understand how you are feeling. Just wanted to send out a note of compassion to you.

Sometimes if I am feeling very frustrated inside with a feeling or a behavior I whip out a pen and I ask myself:
What is it that I truly desire?

Last night I asked myself just that and a bunch of really intense anger came out. I went for a long walk and I realized I needed to set a boundary and ask for what I needed from someone close to me.

My whole body felt invigorated and free of pain as I realized if I did not receive what i needed and the relationship fizzled out that that would be fine with me. I felt free of pain and a deep inner peace inside.

Just wanted to share this story with you.


Alexis B.Z.

 

[Sarah Jacoba]

I am not by any means ruling out a psychological explanation. but I'm not alone, I bet, in thinking that a psychological explanation does not always equate a psychological solution. I know this is TMS. I know it's a physical and/or neurochemical process that is not pathological in origin, but psychological or cognitive. But there's a point at which I have to be coldly logical. I have had ten years to apply multiple angles of a psychological understanding. TEN YEARS. and like most obsessive sufferers I haven't been lazy those ten years. I've turned the problem around and around and around and done tons of work. There's a point at which continuing to think I can solve the problem, stepping back for a moment, should be called false hope. If it's possible for me to figure it out, I would have figured it out by now. It's not going to do me any good to keep stringing myself along

 

[Tennis Tom]

↑
Have the docs given you an RX for your UI symptoms? I believe there's a female equivalent of Flomax (generic: tamsulosin). Flomax is also being used off-label for women.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Sarah. I am praying for you. Try to find ways to lift your spirits. If you haven't yet asked God to help you, I would.
It may sound corny... "Ask and you shall receive"... but it has worked for many people and may be the "missing link" in your efforts to heal. My sister beat cancer because she asked God to heal her, and He did!

 

[fbcoach]

Hi Sarah,
I am with Walt on this. I have never experienced this specific problem, but when I read your post I could identify with the frustration and anxiety it is causing you. Since you have done the smart thing in going to your Doctor/s and have ruled out any pathological issues, try and remember that you can only control what you can control. I know for me, my constant worrying/anxiety causes me more frustration, and this in turn creates far more unnecessary suffering. I have found that when I just turn it over to GOD (my beliefs), I tend to feel better. I'm not saying this is easy, and I'm not some fool blindly following the other sheep. There is scientific evidence proving when you believe in a higher power (no matter what you prefer to call it, be it GOD, spirituality, karma, quantum physics) and allow it to work for you, you have an inner peace (this is key to all healing) that cannot be denied. I don't remember who wrote this or where I read it, but I can remember a saying, "You may have pain or a problem, but suffering is a choice", and this has always stuck with me. I truly am sorry you are having a rough time right now, but I am sure you will find the strength to get thru this. I think everybody here has been in a similar place emotionally. I wish you the best and hope you find a solution asap.
I feel like my thoughts have been all over the place when writing this post. Sorry if it was confusing. Usually with Health conditions, I am pretty familiar with the physiological processes. In your case, I just don't know much about it, but I do know the power and strength in the mind and heart. Hope you are feeling better Sarah!

 

[Aurora]

I'm not sure how you've approached pain with meditation but there is a different technique other than just paying attention to your breath. I recommend the book You Are Not Your Pain. It teaches you meditations that show you that pain itself isn't the problem but your resistance to the pain. I also like Ron Seigal's book The Mindfulness Solution which has the same message but from a TMS prospective.

I'm also dealing with the constant feeling of having to pee only to get a few minutes of relief. This is a problem I've dealt with off and on for 15 years and I've also gotten frustrated that this keeps coming back. I've had thoughts that I don't want to live anymore, not with this going on. Usually when I get this problem I try to forget about it, distract myself, and just try to relax. From reading the books I realize that this strategy only reinforces in my mind that what is happening is bad and I have to get away from it. I have to learn to accept the sensations without getting worked up about them. It takes time but with practice as explained in the book I feel I will get there.

I've just started putting into practice the advice found in the books above substituting my bladder sensation for pain. So far I've become less obsessed about it. I've also started doing "bladder training" yesterday which I plan to consult a doctor about to make sure I'm doing it right. The goal being to be able to hold more urine in my bladder. I realize that even when the symptom doesn't make me anxious I use the bathroom when my bladder is not full but gives me the signal. So I've trained my bladder to give me false signals.

I'm also seeing a therapist about this because this is all scary and I want someone to supervise my mental state to make sure I'm on the right track.

I hope this information helps you.

 

[Gigi]

Oh Sarah, my heart breaks for you. Everyone here has experienced the mind-numbing, all-consuming pain. I'm sending you light, warmth, and healing. I pray you discover the key to severing this crippling hold your subC has on you.
Peaceful wishes.

 

[she333]

I'm very sorry Sarah. I know how you feel. I'm living with the same symptoms. I've improved dramatically in regards to pelvic pain, which i am so grateful for as that allowed me to be active again. But the urinary issues are miserable and enough to interfere with daily life as well. I have considered trying flomax or amitriptyline, just for some relief. In the meantime I'm trying therapy with EMDR, hypnotherapy, and meditation. Surprisingly the meditation hasn't done as kuch as I expected, but I do think the hypnotherapy is helpful. For now I'll jeep working on mind body and i really appreciate the comments here from people who have overcome urinary urgency. I hope they are helpful to you as well!

 

[Tennis Tom]

...But the urinary issues are miserable and enough to interfere with daily life as well. I have considered trying flomax or amitriptyline, just for some relief.

Why are you opposed to getting symptomatic relief by using meds?

 

[she333]

I am pregnant at the moment. Wasn't planning on it, my husband and I were using preventing, but stuff happens. We have the room and finances for another child if it works out. I miscarry a lot, so we'll see. But I can't take those meds now. I literally had made an appointment with a new urogyn and the next day found out I was expecting. Well, maybe in the long run, I hope, this could be good because now mind body is almost all I have.

 

[Lady Phoenix]

I am not by any means ruling out a psychological explanation. but I'm not alone, I bet, in thinking that a psychological explanation does not always equate a psychological solution. I know this is TMS. I know it's a physical and/or neurochemical process that is not pathological in origin, but psychological or cognitive. But there's a point at which I have to be coldly logical. I have had ten years to apply multiple angles of a psychological understanding. TEN YEARS. and like most obsessive sufferers I haven't been lazy those ten years. I've turned the problem around and around and around and done tons of work. There's a point at which continuing to think I can solve the problem, stepping back for a moment, should be called false hope. If it's possible for me to figure it out, I would have figured it out by now. It's not going to do me any good to keep stringing myself along

Why are you opposed to getting symptomatic relief by using meds?

Dr. Sarno says repeatedly that to recover from TMS, you need to tell yourself you have a healthy body, act healthy and no more meds. It worked for me. Like a miracle! Dr. Sarno's approach is not the same as other psychological therapies. It is unique and has a 90% success rate for those who really try. I didn't have a reason to live. I had a migraine every waking minute of my day. I have a wonderful life now. You need to give this a shot!

 

[intense50]

Lady Phoenix , well said.
W. Clement Stone........ If you have nothing to lose and everything to gain , then by all means TRY! My back was against the wall. I went ALL IN 101%. My marriage is better, my spirit and self is better, my mind is at peace. I through everything out ,stopped all treatments, and started running. I could barely walk.
3 months off work.
I NEEDED to do the work. For everyone the ''work'' is different....... help is there reach out,read, journal , success stories,and most of all just ''be''
I now run 5 to 10 k everyday , live much more stress free, just by having a different outlook and KNOWING Dr. Sarno was right.