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Sleep Tension & Updates

BamBam

BamBam

New Member
At the time of my last post I was taking some time off, staying at my mom's out in the country, had decided to quit my band, was hoping to go to Hawaii and then find a new living situation upon my return. I'm now back in the city, working and staying at a friend's apartment while he is out of town. Hawaii is not gonna happen, and the band is going to be playing a whole lot less than we have in the past and so I'm considering staying on, at least until I get into my own apartment. My TMS manifests itself at night particularly, although its present during the day too. I wake up in the middle of the night with my shoulders scrunched up around my neck and severe tightness in my shoulders and neck. Obviously my anxiety runs rampant while I sleep. It's very frustrating. I've tried meditating and yoga before bed with varying results. I broke my sobriety last week also, both with alcohol and weed, thinking that maybe having a beer at night might help me relax. I don't get drunk or smoke all day, but I figured a balance might make my psyche happy instead of trying to be so extreme. I also quit seeing the counselor I was seeing. I had 5 sessions with him and I think it helped but I kind of got tired of talking about all this stuff. I just want it to be over. I'm tired of dealing with this. I want a good nights sleep. I want to wake up and go about my day without worrying about muscle pain. I keep bouncing between different approaches. I'll try journaling or the Structured Education Program for a couple weeks and then I'll give up on that and try meditating/yoga for a couple weeks, then I'll try intense exercise, massage or re-reading Dr. Sarno's books. I've also bought and partially read many spiritual books, books on anxiety and worry etc... I overwhelm myself with options. I think they are all valid but I notice they're all centered around reducing the pain and therefore probably reinforcing it. I just want to be done with this. To quote one of my favorite songs- I'm so tired of being tired. I realize the problem is probably 85% my perfectionism personality. How I wish to be a type B personality. My mind is an asshole and it just wish it would quit tormenting me. It's constantly running like a hampster on a wheel. Worrying about this and that. Thinking about details to upcoming events, planning, trying hard. I feel horribly lonely. So many times I've wished for someone to just love me and hold me and tell me it's gonna be alright. Going thru this by myself is the hardest part. I can get laid anytime I want but finding someone to rub my shoulders and give me love is not always so easy. What should I do?
 
BamBam,

I will advise you to do the only thing that has worked for me---pick a strategy and stick with it. But do it in moderation. Only spend around an hour a day on TMS stuff, but be consistent with it. The rest of the time try to turn your focus outside yourself, and try to stop evaluating (judging) yourself and how you're doing. You have the awareness that you're doing this, which is a great first step. Now you just need to gently move your mind away from this inward, judging activity when you are aware you are doing it. It takes practice, but it gets easier with time. I still struggle with this, but I know that all that mental activity is useless and creates tension. It won't get you anywhere you want to go. You know this. You just need to start practicing shifting your attention and focus away from yourself. I'm sure your music is a great way to do this. Go with it. It will get easier. You are on the right path.
 
Ellen said:
BamBam,

I will advise you to do the only thing that has worked for me---pick a strategy and stick with it. But do it in moderation. Only spend around an hour a day on TMS stuff, but be consistent with it. The rest of the time try to turn your focus outside yourself, and try to stop evaluating (judging) yourself and how you're doing. You have the awareness that you're doing this, which is a great first step. Now you just need to gently move your mind away from this inward, judging activity when you are aware you are doing it. It takes practice, but it gets easier with time. I still struggle with this, but I know that all that mental activity is useless and creates tension. It won't get you anywhere you want to go. You know this. You just need to start practicing shifting your attention and focus away from yourself. I'm sure your music is a great way to do this. Go with it. It will get easier. You are on the right path.
Click to expand...

So my natural tendency is to want to stack a few of these ideas into an hour. Lately I've been doing the "7 minute workout" (which is actually pretty intense for only being 7 minutes.) So I might structure my TMS work like this:
7 Minute Workout
30 Minute Meditation
20 SEP
...or something similar.
I feel like those 3 things probably offer the most benefits. Does that seem like too much?
 
With the hour guideline, I mean TMS-specific activities. I see the exercise and meditation as not included in that hour. If you do the SEP and the journaling activities that accompany it, it will probably be getting to an hour on some days. Add a little TMS reading (or re-reading or listening to an audio version) if you've done less than an hour on the SEP, and you are there. But don't interpret it too ridgidly, as we are apt to do with our TMS personality. Just see it as a guideline--an approximation. It's important that the exercise and meditation be done for general well being, and not specifically to "cure" TMS. Otherwise, you are focusing too much on TMS and not practicing outcome independence.
 
Ellen said:
With the hour guideline, I mean TMS-specific activities. I see the exercise and meditation as not included in that hour. If you do the SEP and the journaling activities that accompany it, it will probably be getting to an hour on some days. Add a little TMS reading (or re-reading or listening to an audio version) if you've done less than an hour on the SEP, and you are there. But don't interpret it too ridgidly, as we are apt to do with our TMS personality. Just see it as a guideline--an approximation. It's important that the exercise and meditation be done for general well being, and not specifically to "cure" TMS. Otherwise, you are focusing too much on TMS and not practicing outcome independence.
Click to expand...
See, I was viewing meditation and exercise as a way to be mindful and calm my over thinking, but apparently I over thought again. Haha. Thanks for the reminder on outcome dependence, I've totally reverted on that one. Ok, I will stick to the SEP program and/or reading TMS literature for my hour and leave it at that. Thanks for your help.
 
I also have a question about how to best deal with my anger towards my guitar player. He frustrates me so much. He's lazy, spacey, showboats on stage, is a great player but doesn't contribute much else to the band outside of his time on stage, drinks, does coke, sleeps with hot 24 year olds (we're both 34), lives at his mom's, doesn't do his own laundry, uses the band van as his personal vehicle etc... I feel so much rage towards him because he is capable of so much more, but in a way he holds the whole band back. I feel like I constantly need to either swallow my anger towards him or pick up the slack that he creates. Firing him is not an option. I can quit the band and that is definitely something I'm weighing very heavily right now, but I also don't want to quit. I love the music we create together and they are like my family. I've thought about expressing my feelings to him but I know that will just end up in him being defensive and aggressive. But I also feel like until I either walk away completely or let it out, I'm going to have repressed anger that I'm not dealing with. What is my best option here?
 
Hi Bam, I have a very similar problem with my mate. We have been working on a project together and he has persisted to let me down with it. I want to tell him what an asshole he's being, but all I get is his cocaine fueled ego getting defensive at any attempt to explain how I feel. Everybody else we know can see the problem is him but I get back pain when I'm around him now and I feel it's because I'm angry and I want to tell him but there's just no point. I have tried, Just seems to make things worse so I just try to hold it down. Unfortunately there's nobody else involved in what we're doing so I've got no real back up. But if ur guitarist isn't pulling his weight, surely the other band members will have noticed. And remember that as much as you can't sack him, can they go on without a drummer? Don't undervalue yourself dude, luckily this project I've been doing is almost over, I know yours is ongoing so I'd suggest having a word with the other members and being honest about how you feel. If they agree, surely they will back u up on the issues. Sorry I don't have much more to suggest but thought I'd let u know I feel for ur dilemma!
 
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