Open Letter to the people NOT getting better, or to those who want it FAST

[Baseball65]

where did you get help from?

a clinical psychologist. When my pain went away I was left with super duper intense anger.... In fact it was so scary It made perfect sense why the pain had been there.

He was old school 101 , took notes, repeated my own BS back to me, and cleared up a lot of the cognitive dissonance that was fueling the rage.

 

[Lainey]

I note this from the inventory:

“While writing about your self esteem: If you truly had low self-esteem when the person in Column One did Column Two you would not have been resentful at them, you would have believed you got what you deserved. You will experience your difficulties easier in this area writing from a point of high self-esteem. It will take writing and seeing the fears bracketed along side a few of these to understand this.”

This is completely on the money. Having low self-esteem and nonexistent boundaries leads to a host of victim-oriented delusions. It’s one area where I was totally myopic and subsequently have done a lot of work.



This is Beautiful.



This is Exquisite.




Thanks so much for this link.



THIS is exactly where I need to be. I’ve done the rest to the point where they are threadbare stories but this fourth column has my full attention.

Maybe I needed to build stronger self-esteem before I could see it, let alone face it.

It’s interesting to me that so many people go on a grail quest for the thing that happened to them (aka the Helen experience Sarno wrote of) but they miss the point entirely. I say this confidently as one who missed the point entirely.

We’re not looking for a psychological unicorn but rather unearthing relics so that we may stand back and with the gift of hindsight view the constellation or emotional pattern it creates.

For me this is co-dependency with its myriad of attrition, attention-seeking, approval-seeking, people-pleasing, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of abandonment, needing to be needed, needing to be liked, self-sacrificing to my detriment, rescuing others while neglecting myself, trying to keep everyone happy/keep the peace, NEVER feeling good enough, guilt, shame, blame, Perfectionism, victim-mentality/self-pity, a need to be recognised, being a "fixer" and problem solver, giving advice when people don't ask for it, attracted to and by users, abusers, addicts and self-centered people and taking on responsibility of others.

Holy Mary.

How can anyone be oblivious to the amount of tension this generates?

And so now, I’m at a familiar emotional crossroads where if I tread the well worn high road I feel like I’m doing pretty much all the heavy lifting, emotionally and physically. Where I’ve run myself ragged countless times, crashing when compassion fatigue and burnout hits. Where there is no one to pick me up and dust me down, or even notice what a wreck I am.

I also realise that in diving in to rescue people, I am denying them the opportunity to grow. (@BloodMoon this is what I meant by spiritual thievery.)

Or...

I see and feel this whole pattern ramping up as we’ve been endeavouring to get my mum tested for dementia or whatever it is. But now, I get to choose. The 4th column truly is the road less traveled.


Thanks @Baseball65
You’re a gem.

Plum
Just got around to seeing your beautiful post.
Thank you for this. Your journey is a guide for many.
Lainey

 

[runnergirl773]

"Hi. I am (blank) and I have been doing this for 5 years. I still have back pain, heart palpitations, digestive issues and knee pain.... I have tried pushing through and ignoring it and (lists a million new symptom focused treatments that Sarno never ever recommended) don't know why I am not getting better"

Every single time I read one of these there is NOTHING or very little about WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE????>>>>>> YOUR "INNER" LIFE. The one you are actually experiencing on a moment to moment basis. If your getting pissed at me writing this... THAT life! That is the front line of this battle.

That is : FAMILY OF ORIGIN. Mom, Dad, Sisters, Brothers, Homes, social service intervention etc. CHILDREN
PRIMARY PARTNERSHIP. Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Husband , Wife, partner, life mate or... LACK of partner
WORK. Job , career, Unemployment check, inheritances, LACK of funds, reliance on a corrupt system,etc.
HOME. Do you have one? Are you a renter? Where do you sleep at night? Are you one paycheck from the curb?
SPIRITUAL... what the fuck am I here for anyway? Why do I get up every morning and do...? Ontological musings
MORTALITY... Oh shit... my hair is thinner. My Boiler is growing. I am (blank) years old and have still not finished anything
MENTAL ENVIRONMENT.... What causes are you on the warpath for? What is the dialogue like among your ken?
MONEY.... do I have any? Why is it trickling away so fast? Who am I footing the bill for that is a bad deal?
FEAR. Who, what, why???? How many?

Most of the people's whose posts I want to respond to always talk about symptoms and how they may or may not have challenged them by returning to activity. That is only one little part of a much bigger program of overall self inspection and growing awareness. In fact, it was probably the easier part once I realized how NOT "OK" I was with the above list. I had major issues in virtually every category but I was "OK". Well, No I wasn't, but to the world I would have said "Everything's fine... nothing I can't handle.....ouch, my back is killing me"

I have situations still in my life that I am not 100% easy about. BUT, I remain in touch with my unease through regular inspection. ANY time I begin to have a new symptom, inevitably I have fallen asleep on my feet in one of the above categories.. or multiples. I have gotten "OK" again and the new distraction gets a little toe hold.

I get scared sometimes. I get angry, and sometimes a whole bunch in short order. I worry about the future. I get lonely. I want to be alone.Sometimes,nothing makes sense. That is all Good. When I can see that I remain distraction free.

Sarno wrote many anecdotes about people with TMS who were stuck. In every case, it was because that person couldn't wrap their head around how angry they were. In fact, many of them denied being angry at all. Inevitably when they began to understand it was in there and REPRESSED for their own 'good',and their symptoms eased up and went away.

If you have TMS, you know it in your heart of hearts. Focusing on the symptoms will only perpetuate the problem...it's gas on a fire. Dive into that list.... if it is too painful, you might need a hand from a professional. There is no shame in that. I got help. It was worth 10 times what I paid for it in the freedom I got after digging it out. You don't have to keep excavating forever... just leave the hole open so you can glance into it from time to time and say "Wow... I am NOT OK!"

..and then you will be ok.

Wow, this is a wonderful post. I feel stuck often. Sometimes I just stand in the kitchen, trying to figure out what I should do next, with thoughts racing around my head.

I have had a flare-up over the past three days. It baffled me. The kids finally went back to school full-time and we just came home from a relaxing vacation. I thought I was feeling great! Then the same old sensation started throughout my back. I came here to find support and found this post. I went through the categories you listed and typed my own responses, and, wow, I have "stuff" in the majority of them. Thank you for this thoughtfully written piece that I can see has helped many on here.

Now I just need to figure out how to let go of the anger!

 

[Shaw]

I have recently discovered a book that I believe equates with what @Baseball65 is advising here (as above). It's called "Being Kind to Yourself: Releasing Frustrations and Embracing Joy" by Cindy Bunch https://www.amazon.co.uk/Kind-Yours...swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1642580617&sr=1-2.

In her book Cindy Bunch suggests regularly asking yourself:

"What's bugging (or frustrating) me?"

and then immediately afterwards to ask yourself:

"What is giving me joy?"

Your response to what's giving you joy doesn't have to be anything to do with your answer to the question what's bugging or frustrating you, but it can be related.

These questions are, as the author suggests, probably best asked in the mornings with regard to what's been happening in your life the day before, but personally I am finding it incredible helpful to ask the them as I go about my day...When I realise and notice that I am feeling uncomfortable in body or mind, het up, angry, fearful, worried etc., I ask myself what it is that's bugging me and then follow it up with asking what is giving me joy or going well. (The author of the book points out that the good and the bad intermingle during your day.) I find that doing this is really bringing things home to me as to what's actually going on inside me, and recognising and acknowledging the 'joy' parts of my life stops any tendency to go into a spiral of 'woe is me' depression or anxiety or whatever.

The book also advises that when you're being bugged by something that you're having to experience or do, you can focus on why you're experiencing or doing whatever it might be...It's more on the Pollyanna side, but not too much imho as the emphasis is on being grateful, e.g. a quote from the book: 'When doing the dishes, Jacci would say to herself, “Thank you for these dishes I get to wash because I can feed my family.” She found it helpful when she was in the midst of a cycle of negative thoughts. This is an effective way to slowly change over those negative mental states, perhaps especially the activities that lead to the “Why am I stuck doing this chore?” internal conversation.'

I should warn that the book is Christian - refers to God and prayer regularly. I am an agnostic, however, and I have and am still getting a lot from it despite my ignoring some of the practices and the references to support from God etc., because they don't fit in with my particular view of things.

If at all interested, you can see more of the content of the book than on amazon on google books, here's the link https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=Jt7ODwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false (Be Kind to Yourself)

Best to all,

BM

I think I’m replying to this post. There sure are a lot of them. I have tried just about everything and find I’m not getting better , in fact I may be getting worse. My symptoms are stiffness, buttock pain, possibly sciatica, sore shoulders and a host of weird sensations. My head tells me that they may not be TMS, but rather the afternat of fusion lumbar surgery 4 months old. There have been clues that it may be all TMS. The other night my wife rubbed my right shldour and that pain went away. I have read all Sarno’s books and many others, am working on Schubiners program . I have done much journaling.I may be angry with my doctors. But I don’t know. I know that I need help.

 

[Balsa11]

Does anyone know if ADD is TMS? I think I might have a mild version of it but I didn't tolerate meds well when I was treated for anxiety. It's really hard to focus and just get things done in college. I feel like I easily get distracted, daydream/freeze sometimes, and am not fulfilling my potential, like I don't really fit in because I'm too sensitive and slow. I did well in school until college. I have trouble with being consistent even though accepting my feelings helps reduce the pain etc. I think I went from hyperactive in childhood then inattentive, then had little or no symptoms from middle school and high school, to really bad anxiety and feeling really lost in college. I know that TMS means that everything is interconnected so I don't know if this is structural or just emotion based. I also get burned out easily despite being a hard-working, and I want to be more efficient with my energy and attention.

 

[Baseball65]

"What is giving me joy?"

I do that from time to time when I am painfree in a cesspool of thought, But in general for the person who is suffering from unrelieved TMS I strongly urge them NOT to do any positive thinking exercises. It is our brains unwillingness to think or hold angry stuff (consciously and unconsciously) that created the symptom, so a temporary abandonment of all hope is sometimes in order. It's using fire to fight fire.

The paradox of course is that when I finally found the fortitude to 'turn my thoughts to a recurrent source of irritation'... I had a lightning quick resolution of symptoms and felt amazing and didn't need any 'grateful' list....anybody who has suffered TMS who begins to get relief and fast needs no prodding towards positive thinking... My Joy was inexpressible in words.

But diving for the result without walking through the hot coals might only leave you frustrated. I see too many people on this forum not getting it quickly ....it seems to be exactly correlated to the amount of Non Sarno "feelings" crap. We're talking about Blind, white-hot Cain-killing-Abel RAGE. If you have TMS , it's in there. Being Pollyanna isn't gonna help me find Cain.





LATER...when I am not having sympotms, it's a good idea to make lists of things for which we are grateful....and right at Number one or two is always this simple tool kit Sarno gave us.

 

[BloodMoon]

I do that from time to time when I am painfree in a cesspool of thought, But in general for the person who is suffering from unrelieved TMS I strongly urge them NOT to do any positive thinking exercises. It is our brains unwillingness to think or hold angry stuff (consciously and unconsciously) that created the symptom, so a temporary abandonment of all hope is sometimes in order. It's using fire to fight fire.

I've tried that - abandoned all hope etc., - but it didn't work for me; I don't know why as I've never regarded myself as being a special case or anything, but I've been on this forum since 2018, with some improvement 'tis true, but not enough to be all that profound. I am, however, seeing a lot improvement since I started noticing the stuff that's bugging me and the stuff that I am grateful for, in combination with gradually doing more physically. Whether it will only be temporary improvement, I don't know, but I'm going to keep going with it and 'suck it and see'. I've removed my posting (and may post it in another thread) as I respect that this is your thread and it is about your experience of what to do to get better and I recognise that what you advise is in keeping with Sarno's advice and has worked for so many people.

 

[plum]

@Baseball65

Indulge me in a free flow of consciousness if you will because today has been first order bullshit, mostly due to a car problem centred on over-heating (laugh it up you smug bastards). In below zero temperatures I have nursed my car from pit stop to pit stop, resting for a while at my parents place while awaiting RAC rescue. To non-Blighty members, the RAC are Knights of the Road, those beautiful mechanics who come out to mend our distressed vehicles. The car needs repair. No time soon due to Covid bullshit. I am a fly girl grounded.

And so given I have had time to think while freezing my ass off on the roadside I was considering posting a thread about how our personalities etc change post TMS knowledge and experience. Disclaimer: I’m not faring well after The Year From Hell. I’ve had a vascillating flare up since Summer and my anger is trigger happy.

I’ve lost my thread but I think it centres on “turning thoughts to a recurrent source of irritation”, by dint of which I should receive benediction. I have gone from someone who never felt anger to knowingingly stuffing it down to unmitigated expression and I’m still in pain. WTF. Marc, spare me a dime of your wisdom. I swear to you I have done murderous rage and that whole shebang but I really am a bit stuck although it did occur to me today (actually last night before the car breakdown) that I was been too people-pleasing of late. Nothing drastic like the persona of old but enough to generate tension. Interestingly I was utterly free with my pissed off fuck-this-shit anger today and any sense of post hoc guilt has had short shrift.

What think you?

Edit: This is not a novel thought but I had cause to reflect that something that royally pisses me off about these kind of situations is that historically I knew some action needed to be taken but it wasn’t and so I was rendered anxious by seeing further down the road than those who had their hand on the wheel. I am hyper vigilant around such things. I prefer to deal with it now, ask for help etc rather than muddle through until the inevitable hits.

 

[Baseball65]

as I respect that this is your thread and it is about your experience of what to do to get better

This is not 'MY THREAD' or 'MY anything' ...it is OUR forum...LOL.

Ya know, I have thought of offering a service , not unlike counseling. This 'stuck' person fly's here to Nashville. We spend a LOT of time together with me prodding the hell out of you...you have to go to work with me and sand drywall..dig holes....carry lumber. I guarantee I can get in one week where a therapist in a sanitized, one hour at-your-sunday-best couldn't get in years.

Just like a woman who barely knew me once told me the truth I didn't want to look at. Just like the emergency room Doc who really saved my life by telling me "there is Nothing wrong with you". The things that are 'repressed to us' are obvious to polite company.....usually the thing that we get irritated when someone pokes around. The only reason 'polite company' doesn't tell us, is...well... they are polite. I am a weenie. I am NOT polite. If you have a booger in your nose, I love you enough to say "Hey...you have a booger in your nose"

I have never met a person with a TMS issue who didn't have a booger on their nose that I couldn't spot in a few days, and if we are in close quarters, a few hours.

but then again, I'm just a dumb construction worker....salt of the earth. No training, just bad manners and good intentions

 

[Baseball65]

What think you?

My therapeutic murderous rage was a guy who ripped me off for 667 dollars (R.I.P..he just passed away a few months back from our similar problem).....Best Money I ever didn't spend. He was NOT at the core of my rage.

My rage was based on being in a 'show marriage' that was based on material prosperity.
MY rage was being in a 'show career' based on best last chances for 'respectability'.
My rage was not being good enough at Music, or being able to stick to it without going round the corner to score dope or drink.
My Rage was lack of freedom. My rage was responsibility...not at the exterior stuff like my kids and job, but the dumb voice inside me that had me doing it all for the wrong reasons.
My Rage was losing my father when I was 5 and My Nanny when I was 5 1/2.
My rage was having a reptilian family relationship with my Mom.
My rage was at myself for wasting time trying to 'find' something to fix me
My rage was pumping gas ,for a classmate I used to dominate, into his new BMW . He was my academic inferior and my social 'better'..while I rode a shitty, loud rattletrap 2 stroke throw away motorcycle (out of need, not coolness)...shame. Failure. Rage at lack of guidance and support

My rage was always putting myself last to save them the trouble of finding out I belonged there anyways

...and as I digested all of that Not so nice truth, the pain went away. I was motivated, desperate and lucky enough to have a few weeks off to dedicate myself to it 100%.

Interestingly I was utterly free with my pissed off fuck-this-shit anger today and any sense of post hoc guilt has had short shrift.

One of my friends is on the verge of having tourettes...he freely drops his anger as often as a dog poops...every day, sometimes multiple times. He is descriptive, loud and demonstrative, yet he is in chronic pain. I don't think he ever got to the 'under list'.

That is a skill I learned from doing those inventories. The things I am really mad about are usually very different from what I am raging about... I usually know I got to the right 'thing' when the symptoms go, but it's like in the bible where God doesn't let Moses 'see his face' lest he die, but he can look at God's Butt after he's passed. I don't think any of us can stand the truth in real time, but our retrospect is always 20/20.
If we immerse ourselves in a process we begin to see 'the shadow on the wall of the cave' like Socrates spoke of, and then the symptoms aren't working, so they quit.... we get enough really quick looks at the past and can follow the footprints to the now...and have a big Buddha laugh at ourselves

But it wasn't the money the guy ripped me off for.... That was good placeholder until I got to the real stuff. The real stuff is nowhere near as dramatic and way more shameful and painful

 

[plum]

@Baseball65

Thank you so much for this generous reply. I’m sure I’m not the only one who will benefit from it. Aside from paying heed to all your words in this thread I spent some time this afternoon listening to MBP (I lent my book to my mum and have no idea where she’s put it). The utter enraging chaos of the past year are a sheer fact and it’s beyond evident that my unconscious rage is boiling.

 

[Balsa11]

Sometimes, even after lots of mind-body education and looking for triggers, the only thing I needed was to "feel the feelings"

There's so much to be upset about, especially this year, but yet so much to be appreciated and to be aspired for. In these crazy times, we often forget what makes us happy and energized in the moment and what we truly cherish and care about.

 

[plum]

If we immerse ourselves in a process we begin to see 'the shadow on the wall of the cave' like Socrates spoke of, and then the symptoms aren't working, so they quit.... we get enough really quick looks at the past and can follow the footprints to the now...and have a big Buddha laugh at ourselves

I lay in bed last night reflecting on the past year and things I’d forgotten began to occur to me so I decided to see what else had gone off radar and this morning I went through my WhatsApp groups to piece together a timeline of key emotional moments. All these have the pandemic as a backdrop and here in the UK, at least two or three lockdowns (I can’t remember since we were pretty much shielding for months).

****
(edit: the details have been deleted after second thoughts)

****
Ok. I have essentially detailed this for myself and it’s interesting to note that as I combed WhatsApp, TMS made some freaky clicky noises in my mouse which were scary but I pushed through. My main TMS woe is clenching/bruxing. I have seen my dentist (September) and everything is ok but the pain etc endures.

Reflecting upon this timeline (which isn’t exhaustive. Other things have happened but mostly they were spin offs of everything listed here), I can see with crystal clarity how epically stressful 2021 was. At the start of the year TMS was ok but it ramped big time in June and has stayed at this high level since.

I know I haven’t detailed my emotional state next to each experience but honestly and unsurprisingly it’s been a roiling mix of anger, sadness, despair, fear, anxiety and dark humour with a dash of hope. It’s a TMS playground to say the least.

Right. I’m going to post this and then make a cup of tea.

 

[Baseball65]

Wow.. I just got grateful reading that. I am so glad I am an American... Remember, I grew up in Europe and was born in Argentina... I almost missed the boat!

Now you know why so many of us 'cowboys' get our panties in a wad when we get ANY Government intervention. Right to bear arm, arm Bears... Cops ASK us but rarely TELL us. The last time the Govt. even hinted they might intervene in my life was when my Mom did her 2nd 'dementia' walk... and it was only a 'friendly hint' not a threat.

I was reading "Leaf By Niggle" and "a man called Ove" and I forgot just how monstrous the Govt is in Northern Europe. All of the elitists here always use it as "hey...we're so backwards... in Europe they blah, blah, blah" forgetting all of the freedom we have. Lock downs? We had that first one and I was an 'essential' so I wasn't really locked down, but just the thought of it is making my leg hurt...haven't had one since.

If I lived in the UK, I would have TMS always.

I would rather go live in the bush with a shotgun,tent and a backpack before I ever let someone get in my life like that.

...and that's all before your unique family dynamic.

I have always told my sons that if I lose my marbles and they really love me they will take me for the "Bunny Walk" that Lenny Small gets at the end of "Of mice and Men"...

...God bless you and keep you.

 

[Cactusflower]

Dear @plum
You are an amazing person!
My father had Parkinsons and I stayed at home many years to help in his care. If you ever need anyone to talk to please reach out because I totally understand, especially the confusion, belligerence, crankiness etc. around any changes like moving. My Dad also suffered from the speeding up for for a time (we got him a little scooter), so many similar symptoms.

So glad to hear you still have happy times too

 

[plum]

Dear @plum
You are an amazing person!
My father had Parkinsons and I stayed at home many years to help in his care. If you ever need anyone to talk to please reach out because I totally understand, especially the confusion, belligerence, crankiness etc. around any changes like moving. My Dad also suffered from the speeding up for for a time (we got him a little scooter), so many similar symptoms.

So glad to hear you still have happy times too

Thank you sweetheart.

 

[Ellen]

Jesus, @plum. I don't know what to say that could be helpful in any way. Just know that you are very much loved here by me and many, many others.

 

[plum]

If I lived in the UK, I would have TMS always.

Truly, I derive much comfort from this. I’m working through Column 1 and the government are listed. What a clusterfuck of idiots they are.

I have always told my sons that if I lose my marbles and they really love me they will take me for the "Bunny Walk" that Lenny Small gets at the end of "Of mice and Men"...

I have this agreement with my dad…we are both huge proponents of a campaign called “Dignity in Dying”. Bunny Walk is an infinitely more loving version of this. I love Steinbeck. Of Mice and Men is the first book I read but my favourite is Sweet Thursday.

...God bless you and keep you.

You too my love

 

[plum]

Jesus, @plum. I don't know what to say that could be helpful in any way. Just know that you are very much loved here by me and many, many others.

Ellen, that really matters and helps. It’s easy to feel alone with all this but I do remember I’m part of a much greater whole and this time will pass. Even when it feels like it won’t.

Stay safe my beautiful friend for you are much, much loved by me too xxx

 

[BloodMoon]

Truly, I derive much comfort from this. I’m working through Column 1 and the government are listed. What a clusterfuck of idiots they are.

I couldn't agree more!