new here and confused

Hi. I’ve had back, hip and leg/foot pain for about 10 yrs that I know for sure. Had an xray at a chiropractor once years ago that showed no problems. It comes and goes. These past few weeks it started up and its been pretty bad so Finally made appt with dr..its today for xray (after she initially told me I had bursitis) Then I come across sites about tms and have been researching all this week, I have a 4yr old granddaughter im raising, have no time for years of pain. I ordered a book yesterday, Healing back pain, but wanted to ask about how to know if I have repressed emotions or not and if so what to do. I’ve already told myself that there is no pain and the other stuff I’ve read at tms wiki, and tried what I’ve read on many of these posts, but it didn’t stop. And why does it go away for long periods of time. And if this is stress/tms how is it even ever going to stop when I have an addict daughter that relapsed last summer and still active in that, and my dad who is having to move in with me soon.
Thanks, God bless n keep yall

 

Hi, Jodib. You already had an X-ray but I would not think your pains are structural.
Dr. Sarno says on p. 116 of Healing Back Pain that bursitis is in the shoulder and hip but
it is likely that you have tendonalgia and not bursitis, and that tendonalgia is due to TMS.

That makes sense to me because your plate is very emotionally full...
an addict daughter, your father about to move in with you, and you are caring for a
4 year old granddaughter. It would take Our Lord to handle all that, so be easy on yourself.
Do what you can, but don't let it drag down your spirit or health.

Practice the Structured Educational Program (free in that subforum) to learn how to discover
other causes of your TMS which probably go back to your own childhood.

"Dance into the weekend and keep a smile on your face." I just head a tv talk show host say that
and it's great advice.

You might also look at the subforums about caregiving. I've written some of them myself.
Caregiving can bring on its own TMS symptoms. I was a caregiver for my aged mother and
she practically ate me alive. She was impossible to please. Most elderly people are
because they are very self-centered. Do what you can, but don't feel guilty if you can't do it all.

 

Dr sending me next for MRI. Says it's sciatica. Guess I gotta do that since I've never had one before.
Thank you Walt for your encouragement.
Yes I am going to start that program Monday. Reading through the other one now with Alan Gordon I think is the name. And I will surely check out the caregiving forums too. Thanks again have a blessed weekend.

 

@jodib, the MRI should give you a more definitive answer about the condition of soft tissues. XRays/Radiographs are really more useful for skeletal and gross structure problems. Where the MRI can give a better idea of localized swellings and soft tissue issues. Soft tissue injuries do come and go because they're exacerbated by inflammation that can go on to become a persistent irritation. Then, once rested they're fine until they become inflamed again. So, if you're getting an MRI at a time when you do have the pain issue, that should be a good diagnostic tool to rule in or out soft tissue damages.

BUT, without regard for how the MRI comes out, I think (for me) the TMS program is useful. I've dealt with a lot of family members that fall short of the 'Leave it to Beaver' scenario and it took me a long time to realize that they were sick and to stop expecting (or even hoping) for 'normal' family interactions with them. But, even though I could tell myself on an intellectual level "that person is ill and expecting normalcy from them is like expecting a paraplegic to get up an walk. so it is ME that is making myself miserable because my expectations are not even remotely close to reality" but, I guess I'm still learning how to deal with them because now I'm kind of messed up even though I thought I'd settled it with myself long ago. Even though I taught myself to not expect the lame to walk... I guess I'm still miserable that I was ever in that situation to start with and feel like it was totally unfair that the random cosmic toss of the dice basically threw me into a cesspool of a family.

 

I still struggle with this as well. The feeling of unfairness that can come up for me feels devastating some times. I wonder if that is not because these were experiences from early childhood when the emotional imprints are so powerful. We are powerless at that stage and can live in fear if we had a parent/caregiver who is erratic emotionally or unpredictable or physically dangerous. Lately I have been trying to strengthen my personal sense of power and my ability to parent myself.

However, my problematic parent is still around, pretty old now, and even more emotionally volatile. So I find I have knee-jerk emotional reactions. Prior to spending time together, I visualize my sense of inner power and strength and see a protective atmosphere around me that will let in the good stuff and protect me from the harmful "rays". This is a process and it is taking a lot of time and work but I really want to reprogram my automatic response. Because even when I am not with this person, my brain can "conveniently" give me non-stop replays of history so that it becomes like being haunted. So it seems I have to detoxify something in my brain.

It is slowly getting better and I'm determined to heal.

Don't know if any of this share is helpful to your situation but I wanted you to know you are not the only one that feels that you "should" have "gotten over this by now".....hummm. Should's are not helpful!

 

Hi Jodib,

Getting an x-ray from a chiro and not finding anything to charge your insurance is a miracle in itself! If you see enough docs and get enough images taken, eventually they will find some structural anomaly as the cause for hanging your bodily pains on--Dr. Sarno calls these benign anomalies "gray hair of the spine". They are normal changes due to aging or variations from one human anatomy to another. So, don't get scared if something is found. I still can't get over that your chiro gave you an all clear, that's amazing, with integrity like that he must be out of business by now.

The issues you are are dealing with would be enough to give anyone a train-load of stress and TMS symptoms for some distractive relief and protection from having to think about them on a constant basis. Reading about your plight makes me glad I'm not in your shoes--drugs--right, a victimless crime--they victimize everyone around them.

God bless and help you! Keep reading your Sarno and it will help you sort out the structural diagnoses you may get from the doctor world.

 

Yesterday, I had a bit of a break through followed by a huge amount of confusion and a new type of failure. It's had me spinning since then. Then when I read your words "erratic", "unpredictable", "volatile" that rang true. That's how I find people and (in my mind) for good reason. Because they are. The rules keep changing and I never get word that they've changed until I've managed to break them some how.

Last night, when I was having a panic attack (I went grocery shopping), I tried to get to a small place and asked myself what does my inner child need or want. And in my head was a trembling child in abject fear wailing to just go home. There was no reasoning, no talking, just uncontrolled wailing. I tried to force it to buy what was on my list. At one point, a man was pulling a hand truck toward me from behind, the closer it got, the louder and I was trembling so badly that I thought my knees would buckle. But, if they buckled that would be a scene and I'd rather death than a public scene. It took me 45 more minutes to get myself checked out and I didn't even have half of what was on my list. The drive home was a ball of pain, knives through the ribs, barely able to breath, head spinning. And the whole time, all I kept thinking is what does this child want and getting no answers. I've never raised a kid. I have no idea of how to even relate to this inner child or emotions or what ever. And, it's especially unfair when they get to throw a fit that includes knifing me through the ribs over and over again.

Then last night was a dream (night terror?) of a giant breaking into my house. He was 3x my size and no matter what I did it just made him more angry and he kept hitting me with these huge fists. It was all in slow motion but for some reason, I couldn't get out from in front of them all i could do was watch them swinging at my head. And, each time he landed a blow it was like being hit in the face with a brick or a piece of steel because his fists were so hard. When I wake from these kinds of dreams, it feels like they happened in real life. I feel all the pain as if it all really happened. So, today I'm a ball of pain from my 'smashed in' face, to sore neck from being thrown around, to body full of 'pulled muscles' between last night and the dream... but, my hands and feet feel pretty much okay... and the pain is all very much real, just it wasn't inflicted by some external agent.

And, still I can't figure out what this inner child wants or needs. Or what I could possibly be suppressing that is worth beating the ever loving crap out of me as a "distraction" But, even this 'child' has become volatile and erratic. I feel like I'm losing on all sides right now.

 

Buckeye, I think your Inner Child is giving you anxiety and pain because it wants you to work more on your TMS repressed emotions.
They may go back to your childhood, as mine did from my parents divorcing when I was 7.

I never thought I had childhood anxiety and anger but when I did some journaling, I discovered I had traumas that I was repressing all m life.

It may not be easy to bring out those long-ago traumas, but it's the only way to get rid of the pain.

 

I certainly agree with @Walt Oleksy and would add that it might be helpful to try to calm yourself (soothe that inner child) and the best place to start with that is with mindfulness/meditation. That will get you to focus on the here-and-now (where you really are safe) rather than getting hooked and swept up by emotions that come from experiences that are in your past, that are essentially memories and have no power over you NOW.

Also, practice of mindfulness can give you some distance from these thoughts that are so troubling. It will help you realize that you are not your thoughts and you can learn to recognize the stressful thoughts and release them and remember you are safe NOW.

Here is a thread on mindfulness: http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/section-3-4-mindfulness.4914/

Focus on your breath, breathing deeply from the belly when stressed. Learning to soothe yourself will bring you great comfort.

I am sorry for the challenges you are facing but it only takes a look around this forum to see that many have emerged from just such challenges and moved forward with a much better life. There is hope and we are rooting for you! Sending you peace and wishing you comfort.

 

Buckeye,
Sorry to hear that you having such a difficult time. I think Dahlia and Walt have given you great advice.

I'll just add that I think your nightmare exhibits a battle in your unconscious between your inner child and your inner parent (the giant). This is where most of my internal conflict comes from as well, and I found some relief through journaling about it. Still working on it, of course.

Hoping you find some peace...

 

Wow buckeye and dahlia , thank you for sharing all that, it helps me. I don’t realize a lot of the things I am learning. It helps to come here and read. I can’t express my thoughts like that, so that’s why it is so helpful. Thanks yall.
So tom, I take it not a good ideal to go back to a chiropractor haha. My grandmother swore by one, said he cured her headaches and everything. That was many years ago. yea the issues are big ones. Feeling better now that my daughter was arrested and going back to jail for a while. Shes “safe” again for now. And yes you are right there are certainly many victims here, sadly.
I will read it, I gave it to a cashier in back pain to read first, since im doin the s.e.p. anyway. But I will, when she calls me to come get it.
But do you know why my pain goes away for long periods at a time??
Have a blessed weekend yall !