Diana-M
Beloved Grand Eagle
This is an update. I’ve been on this forum 6 months. And, I’ve been rather obsessive. So so frantically seeking relief. Studying, trying, journaling, discussing. I’ve worn myself out. And recently, I just gave up trying to do this fast and furious. I’ve almost given up completely. I’m just living.
I’ve learned a lot and changed a lot internally. And all this time, I’ve moved at a snail’s pace in physical healing. Slower than your average snail, actually.
More recently, I’ve been pushing the envelope, physically. Doing things through the pain. It started with walking in the living room. Then doing the dishes. And now cooking a little.
I began to work at my computer. And I go up and down the steps twice a day sometimes. I dyed my own hair. I cleaned the bathroom and emptied my indoor trash cans. All of this required an effort against the pain. A big effort.
Then this week I began having excruciating pain before bed. I could hardly move. It was honestly the worst I’ve had so far. It was SO tempting to get sucked into the message that SOMETHING IS WRONG! But instead, I said, “Yay! Something is very right,” or my primitive brain would not be putting up this fight.
This morning I feared I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. My legs were like stiff pieces of lifeless bologna swallowed in pain. My whole body hurt. I thought how easy it would be to just give up and stay in bed. Maybe forever.
But I DID get up. And I DID make oatmeal. And I DID move my laptop to the desk and plug it in. And I DID finish my work project and I didn’t once think about how I am accomplishing it with really only one hand. I honestly don’t care anymore how it gets done. I did a good job. Then, I made myself a big lunch and did all the dishes.
As I finished all this, I realized I was in less pain. Not NO pain. Just a lot less than this morning.
All day I pictured being free of TMS. And I pictured peace. I pictured going outside for walks and eating out in restaurants. Though, in reality, I don’t have any of these things yet. I pictured continuing to do what I’m doing and adding more.
I downloaded another audible Claire Weekes book, Freedom From Nervous Suffering, and started listening. And I meditated for an hour listening to spa music with water sounds.
This is what my life looks like right now… in case it’s of use to anyone. The road is not easy. The pain is real, but also an illusion. Am I brave enough to wrestle my life back from a mushy gray organ that is making all these decisions to limit me? Yes. I believe I am.
Who’s in control here? My soul and my will. That’s who.
Tomorrow I’ll do it again.
(All of you helped me! Thank you so much! <3)
I’ve learned a lot and changed a lot internally. And all this time, I’ve moved at a snail’s pace in physical healing. Slower than your average snail, actually.
More recently, I’ve been pushing the envelope, physically. Doing things through the pain. It started with walking in the living room. Then doing the dishes. And now cooking a little.
I began to work at my computer. And I go up and down the steps twice a day sometimes. I dyed my own hair. I cleaned the bathroom and emptied my indoor trash cans. All of this required an effort against the pain. A big effort.
Then this week I began having excruciating pain before bed. I could hardly move. It was honestly the worst I’ve had so far. It was SO tempting to get sucked into the message that SOMETHING IS WRONG! But instead, I said, “Yay! Something is very right,” or my primitive brain would not be putting up this fight.
This morning I feared I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. My legs were like stiff pieces of lifeless bologna swallowed in pain. My whole body hurt. I thought how easy it would be to just give up and stay in bed. Maybe forever.
But I DID get up. And I DID make oatmeal. And I DID move my laptop to the desk and plug it in. And I DID finish my work project and I didn’t once think about how I am accomplishing it with really only one hand. I honestly don’t care anymore how it gets done. I did a good job. Then, I made myself a big lunch and did all the dishes.
As I finished all this, I realized I was in less pain. Not NO pain. Just a lot less than this morning.
All day I pictured being free of TMS. And I pictured peace. I pictured going outside for walks and eating out in restaurants. Though, in reality, I don’t have any of these things yet. I pictured continuing to do what I’m doing and adding more.
I downloaded another audible Claire Weekes book, Freedom From Nervous Suffering, and started listening. And I meditated for an hour listening to spa music with water sounds.
This is what my life looks like right now… in case it’s of use to anyone. The road is not easy. The pain is real, but also an illusion. Am I brave enough to wrestle my life back from a mushy gray organ that is making all these decisions to limit me? Yes. I believe I am.
Who’s in control here? My soul and my will. That’s who.
Tomorrow I’ll do it again.
(All of you helped me! Thank you so much! <3)
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