How I healed from a myriad of symptoms

Diagnosed with IBS, obsessive compulsive behaviors, anxiety, major depression, allergies, and much more, bizarre symptoms have been part of my life since I can remember. If I were to post my story in its entirety, we'd all be here for days. To sum it up, I've experienced the following over the course of many, many years:

- Burning skin
- Nerve pain (allodynia) - so severe that I could barely hold my phone, type on a keyboard, grip a doorknob, pet my cat, etc.
- Altered sense of touch in my fingers and toes - not true numbness, but similar in the sense that the senstation touching an object feels different than before
- Tingling (hands, arms, feet, legs, head, lips, etc.)
- Extremely heavy and stiff limbs due to blood pooling and tension
- Excessive sweating, especially - but definitely not limited to - my hands, feet, and armpits
- Increased skin impressions/dents whenever any object (even light wrapping paper) gently touched my skin - skin impressions/dents are absolutely normal to a certain extent, but it was occurring much deeper and faster than ever before. Additionally, the skin impressions were sometimes very painful, such as when I'd sit on hard benches, rest my chin on my hand, grip pencils, cross my legs, etc.
- Fingertips that wrinkled almost immediately in the shower, as well as upon gripping objects (even when they were not even slightly wet or cold)
- Headaches
- Dizziness
- Nausea and vomiting
- Dry eyes and mouth
- Blurry vision
- Red feet with bulging veins when walking
- Occasional blood pooling and overly dilated blood vessels in hands when walking
- Chronic fatigue/exhaustion
- Increased need to use the bathroom
- Significantly increased heart rate, especially upon standing (which was documented on a tilt table test as orthostatic intolerance)
- Increased Raynaud's-like symptoms and vasospasms where standing for even a few seconds would result in deeply yellow and purple feet from vasoconstriction, and my digits would become numb and red in the cold
- Cold hands and feet
- Chemical sensitivity - I had to completely stop drinking alcohol, vaping, drinking sugary coffee with high amounts of caffeine, etc. for quite some time
- Muscle spasms/twitching
- Facial flushing
- Dermatographia
- Colorful genital discharge and terrible itching (this started when I was a teenager and years before I became sexually active. Still, I was tested for everything under the sun - nada!)
- Sore throats
- Tender muscles
- Brain zaps and twitches, as well as electrical surges in my head
- Severe anxiety, depression, and mood swings
- Intense depersonalization and derealization
- Emotional numbness
- Bloating and stomach pain
- Chronic fatigue
- "Growing pains"
- Inability to more quickly and appropriately recover from colds and flus, mononucleosis, medication withdrawal, etc.
- Sensitivity to noise and light
- Obsessive behaviors and rituals that began as a very young child, only to get worse (non-stop hand washing, blinking, circling the block a dozen times while driving to make sure I didn't hit anything, skin picking, etc.)
- Major phobias (fear of leaving the house or going on field trips as a child due to fear of suffocating somewhere in public, swallowing solid food due to fear of choking, etc.)
- Binge eating and drinking
- And so many more I can't even remember at this point. Ultimately, I've experienced a great deal of the following symptoms: http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml (Anxiety Symptoms and Signs - Over 100 listed.) (Anxiety Symptoms and Signs - Over 100 listed.)

All of the above symptoms were indeed caused by emotions, and were able to be overcome by:
- Understanding that "TMS" = powerful emotions (fear, anxiety, anger, etc.) - it is NOT an actual health condition, and should NOT be treated as though the body has a true problem (example = focusing way too much on "bad neural pathways that need fixing")
- Recognizing that every single individual on the planet experiences "TMS"/emotionally-driven health symptoms at some point, whether it's a simple eye twitch or a headache when they're angry, or severe sympathetic nervous system dysfunction, fibromyalgia, CRPS, carpal tunnel, adrenal fatigue, etc.
- Accepting that this is all a normal bodily process, and it does not mean anything is wrong with me; in fact, it's a natural response to powerful emotions and a sign the body is working perfectly and with my emotions
- Understanding the concept of neuroplasticity and the fact that the brain is capable of rewiring and changing anytime - this was especially helpful for obsessive behaviors/rituals, anxiety, depression, mood swings, etc. That said, I really want to emphasize that one CANNOT get hung up on the concept of "bad neural pathways" - this type of thinking can lead one to believe there's something much worse and more permanent going on when there isn't
- Accepting that eliminating symptoms may take time, and not setting a date on healing. That said, I also had to understand that the unexpected can happen, and one shouldn't set themselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. If healing isn't instantaneous, accept that and don't be afraid; if healing happens more quickly, be open to it. Either way, you WILL GET BETTER
- Letting go of the past (as opposed to dwelling on it and trying to analyze every single thing that's ever happened to me in my life) and living in the moment with happiness by smiling, visualization and meditation, calm breathing, and focusing on events I was looking forward to
- Refraining from spending copious amounts of time reading about "TMS" and not actually living my life
- Not allowing myself to browse health forums or websites focused on structural health issues, or where the general membership did not have a positive outlook on the ability to fully recover from emotionally driven symptoms (including TMS threads that were not hopeful)
- Reinforcing to my mind that I am healthy, unafraid of symptoms, and cannot be influenced anymore
- Similar to the above, living each day of my life without fearing the symptoms and obsessing over them
- Reminding myself that powerful emotions can prevent our bodies from healing after structural injuries, medication withdrawals, sickness, etc. We create healing neurotransmitters when we are balanced
- Believing in my body's natural ability to heal and reminding myself that good health is definitely possible, even with Ehlers-Danlos
- Creating a reality and a life where I felt good about myself and my future
- Not focusing on healing 24/7 and instead loving life, regardless of whether I was experiencing symptoms that particular day or not
- Starting a new routine that made me feel like I had a new life and a chance to separate myself from past ruts
- Addressing all thoughts of doubt by reminding myself that my body will heal once its relaxed and balanced again
- Interacting with positive members who have healed and believed in my ability to heal, too
- Understanding that not everyone is going to have the same exact symptoms as me, and some of the symptoms nobody else appears to have experienced or at least discussed openly are still caused by emotions - despite a lack of available information
- Reading stories about individuals with "structural" conditions who healed or went into remission and realizing that the vast majority of them cited a fighting attitude and positive way of living
- Loving and appreciating myself, and expressing daily gratitude for everything that makes me happy

Healing is possible for everyone. Stay away from anyone who says otherwise, and don't take advice from naysayers. It's imperative that you do not take advice from members who are yet to heal themselves, and remember that someone else's struggle does not have to become your reality as well. Many of us have healed, and so can you.

I want to make it very clear that I do not agree with many of my earlier posts, specifically the ones that focused far too much on my Ehlers-Danlos, whether certain chemicals can aggravate "TMS," etc. I receive many messages from members who appear to have gone through my entire post history, and it's disheartening when they take every single word I've ever said as the gospel truth because I'm now healed. Please don't - I was very lost when I started to become more engaged on these forums, and my post history is far from perfect. I'm now of the belief that the mind affects the overall state of the body in ways we don't even comprehend just yet. I strongly believe that the mind plays a role in the development of many health issues, including a wide number of diseases that are considered structural and/or difficult to cure.

I went to some of the greatest doctors in the world. I've had almost every test you can imagine performed: small fiber nerve biopsies, MRI, sweat tests, tilt table test, neurotransmitter level test (urine), cortisol level test (saliva), Ehlers-Danlos genetic test, blood tests for autoimmune disorders, Doppler ultrasound, EKG, EEG, etc. These are only a fraction of the tests. I've come to realize that it's 100% possible to have every single symptom of a disease, but to not actually have the disease. This includes the neuropathy I just don't have. It's also possible to have a congenital disorder like Ehlers-Danlos, but for emotions magnify the symptoms by a million. Emotions can affect all the nerves and tissues in our body, creating endless symptoms. But stress-related symptoms are reversible, no matter how long you've experienced them.

TMS, conversion disorder, overactive sympathetic nervous system, overactive amygdala, central sensitization, functional neurological disorder, etc. These are all terms that ultimately point to the same thing - symptoms caused by emotions. Nothing more.

To sum it up, the trick for my situation was to go back out and truly live life again, without fear or obsession. Focus on a happy future, believe you're already healed, stop trying to be perfect, don't get too caught up in the whole "I have to analyze my entire life" way of thinking, and remember that nothing is permanent.

To the multiple members who reached out to me when I was struggling, thank you for your love and support during my darkest days. To the members who are still struggling today, I hope my story has provided encouragement to you.

 

And in case anyone is wondering about my profile picture, I will repost one of my favorite tidbits...

Pictured is Bobbi Campbell, a gay AIDS patient from that era. He is one of my biggest health, TMS, and attitude inspirations. That may sound puzzling to some, but he spoke extensively about the importance of maintaining a fighting attitude while dealing with disease as well as recognizing the overall mind-body connection, which greatly helped me after my Ehlers-Danlos and TMS diagnoses. I posted about wanting to apply for assisted suicide a year ago, but Bobbi fought for his life and saw value in his experiences (both challenging and happy) every single day, which I admire. Back when he had AIDS, patients were treated terribly by the world, and there were no medications available.

Cancer (Kaposi's sarcoma) was one of the opportunistic infections Bobbi developed from AIDS. A nurse practitioner in San Francisco, he was very aware of research on how certain personality types may be more likely to develop cancer. Fortunately, my TMS has significantly improved (I could barely type, hold my cell phone, pet my cat, etc. last year!), so I was able to type up part of a discussion Bobbi had on this exact topic. This transcription is quite literal and raw, so there are definitely some grammatical errors.

BOBBI: I feel very positive about the chemotherapy. Many people who have cancer who are on chemotherapy have a negative view of their chemotherapy. Some work that has been done recently, especially in San Antonio, Texas and other places, make it clear that cancer is real closely related to one's mental status, and it may very well be that people bring on cancers by their mental attitude, that there's a certain type of personality which is associated with a predisposition to get cancer, and that once a person has cancer, you can either give up and die, quite literally - people who adopt kind of a defeatist attitude are more prone to have widespread metastases or spread of their cancer, and they're more likely to die quicker. Whereas people who have more of a fighting attitude who believe they're going to live, do in fact much more commonly. And one of the ways to do that is through techniques known as visualization which you imagine the chemotherapy as sort of like little Pac-Men eating up the cancer cells and flushing them out. And I've tried to have, well, I have a real positive attitude toward my chemotherapy. One week when I was not allowed to have it because my white count was too low, I really felt cheated.

INTERVIEWER: The attitude that you're talking about, that a positive attitude will help people get over their diseases, and maybe prevent them to begin with. How do you think that works? Is there the possibility of conscious control of the immune system, that's what it sounds like?

BOBBI: I would say indirectly, yes. It seems pretty clear that...

INTERVIEWER: Secrets of the yogi.

BOBBI: Something like that. I think that we in the Western world tend to have a real dichotomy, a real separation in ourselves between the mind and the body, and I don't think that's so. And I'm only just beginning to come to this realization, I'll tell you, but it certainly has been made clear recently that people have control over such things as their heart beat or their body temperature, that kind of thing, things which were formerly believed to be classed under the autonomic nervous system, which by its very name implies that it's not under your control, it's automatic. It seems also to be true that if people can raise their blood pressure or raise their body temperature or so forth, that they can also inhibit certain processes in their body which...

INTERVIEWER: Or activate...

BOBBI: Or active certain processes in their body which either help you or hurt you in certain ways. It may well be for instance that a person who tends not to take care of themself, through whatever reason, may develop an illness. And this may sort of be the body's way or the organism's way to make you stop and take stock of yourself and start taking care of yourself. It's rather an extreme measure, I must say. I will say that I am taking care of myself more now than I ever did before. I just wish I hadn't had such a firm kick in the butt to do it, but I am. And I'm real happy with that.

INTERVIEWER: Activating one's immune system to work with the doctor's drugs to overcome cancer is a long process, but doctors have written before about "miraculous remissions" and so forth, that they just simply cannot understand. It seems that those are just the power of faith or prayer or whatever has a lot to do with what it does to the attitude of people, and a re-integration of "mind and body," "spirit and flesh," however one wants to do it. Those are only words anyway.

BOBBI: Right. I'm, as I say, I'm just starting to come into this. I was, up until now, quite the empiricist and quite the logical scientist...

INTERVIEWER: Rational Western man.

BOBBI: Rational Western man. And I, up until a few months ago, really did not put a whole lot of stock into that, and I'm coming around on that. I am beginning to believe now that having a, as I say, a positive mental attitude is real important. It seems pretty clear that people who feel depressed can get sick, and people who are sick can get depressed, that these things can have kind of a feedback effect on one another. And now that I am sick and somewhat depressed, I'm trying to break that cycle by raising my own psychological state and also by making myself as healthy as possible outside of the Kaposi's [a type of cancer that is considered highly opportunistic in AIDS patients]. I'm trying to eat better, I'm trying to get more sleep...

SOURCE:

• Website: http://www.glbthistory.org/archives/audio-search/ (Audio search)
• Interview: The Gay Life, 1982-01-10: Marcus Conant, M.D. and Paul Volberding, M.D., U.C. San Francisco Medical School; Bobbi Campbell, Kaposi's Sarcoma cancer patient.
• Time this particular discussion begins during the interview: 49:47

 

Did you follow any particular treatment/recovery plan like dr. sarno's journaling or Alan Gordon's recovery? What I am understanding from your post is.. "you did nothing but doing nothing was what you were doing everything" Basically looked above and beyond TMS and just lived your life and as you did eventually the neural pathways of pain faded away.

Thanks for your detailed post!!

 

Nope, I did not follow any particular treatment/recovery plan. I'm not saying these types of methods are incapable of helping anyone, but there are a number of us who simply don't respond to them positively, and I think it's so easy for people to get way too caught up in trying to heal or viewing "TMS" as a separate condition with more permanent affects. Trying to heal can be incredibly counterproductive, creating more fear and obsession. For me, it was far more effective to simply manage my fear and emotions, accept what was happening as emotionally driven, and live life fully again.

I've dealt with numerous traumas in my life (the people closest to me and my doctors had been saying for years that I was traumatized, and I didn't even believe or realize it until last year), but it wasn't necessary for me to get hung up on every single little thing that ever happened to me. I was a very sick person emotionally from situations that began in my childhood, and I still managed to heal from the symptoms listed above. I did attend some sessions with a therapist who helped me break my negative thought patterns. Additionally, I meditate daily and envision happy neurotransmitters being released from my brain. Personally, methods such as ongoing journaling would've made me get too "stuck" in the constant thought loops I was repeating over and over again. Some people may not appreciate me saying this, but some of us just don't heal that way. I'm still working on fully eliminating generalized anxiety, but I don't have the crippling "attacks" or disabling nervous system pain or dysfunction anymore.

While I've experienced stress-related health symptoms from the time I was a child (I hated going on field trips without my mother chaperoning because I wanted her around in case something deadly happened to me, and I refused to eat solid foods for months at age 11 because I was terrified of choking on food and dying - I was STRESSED), they didn't become disabling until I was an adult. I wanted to feel alive again, but I was so lost. Learning how to truly be alive again and embrace myself made my symptoms fade away.

We create our own realities. Every thought we have releases neurotransmitters and affects our bodies. We should remember how powerful we are.

 

Also, below is the success story of a member named Hillbilly from the TMSHelp forum - a member directed me to this story when I first joined TMS Wiki. For what it's worth, I drew a great deal of inspiration from it when I wasn't feeling too well:

 

Thank you @Dorado for these posts. And thank you for posting Hillbilly's story which I hadn't read. What you write here and elsewhere on the forum resonates strongly with me. I can all too easily get hung up on the details of "how to do TMS recovery perfectly" and lose sight of the main point which is to get out there and live. I particularly like Hillbilly's words here:

The problem was that I was still allowing my symptoms to control me. I wasn't in control at all in my life. I made room for rest, avoidance, paced myself too much. (Yes!!!)
I decided I needed one thing, and that was courage to push through the pain and doubt and go back to living again. I took a break from all forums, all internet searches, and decided on one goal: I would live fully again, and I would be stronger and more resolute than before. I didn't need a hero. I needed to find the inner strength for MY journey.

And here:

You and your experience are unique, but not exceptional. In other words, stop seeing impediments to your happiness in every act of life. Expect and accept discomfort, disappointment, even grief. It won't kill you. Fear is the jailer of your life. You might even be fearful of your own anger with yourself or someone else. That's OK too, just stay determined to get the things done you need to in order to feel like a productive adult. If you can stop letting your "feelings" influence your life in any way, you will recover fully and not look back.

So if the things I do, such as journaling (which still I enjoy) support this goal, then that's good. If they keep me stuck, maybe think again.

And I second Hillbilly's recommendation of the Claire Weekes' book.

 

Such a gorgeous thread.
Bless your heart @Dorado.

Hillbilly's story was the first I encountered that broke free of the rigid Sarno-based thinking. It became a beacon in those dark days and gave me confidence to evolve my own path.

Everyone can heal. They truly can.

 

Thank you, everyone.

@westb: Exactly! If journaling works for someone, great. However, for the people who keep coming back to these forums saying they're still experiencing symptoms, perhaps it's time to look elsewhere.

@plum: I 100% agree - healing is possible for us all, and a big part of my healing process was only surrounding myself with individuals who truly believed in themselves and myself. A lot of unhealthy advice is given on these forums.

And honestly, I'm not even sure Dr. Sarno himself intended for people to get as caught up in their past and a specific process as some people assume. Per Steve Ozanich (this is a shortened quote, but hits the key objectives):

Many people heal without ever identifying every single repressed emotion they've ever experienced, talking their "inner child" down, reanalyzing every bad situation they've dealt with, etc. A general awareness of your life is helpful, but for many of us it's not necessary to go further.

I'm even looking back at some of my more recent posts where I frequently use terms such as "opportunistic brain." Honestly, I don't even get caught up in that whole theory anymore - it's just the body responding to our emotions. Getting too hung up on the theories or science behind this isn't as important as simply understanding that we are OK.

Additionally, I definitely recognize that some of my posts referring to taking mindy-body approaches to healing can confuse people. What I meant was, if you're waking up in the morning with off-the-charts cortisol levels that leave you shaking, in a full blown panic "attack," and completely unable to work on your emotions and getting back to normal life, perhaps trying a natural and non-addictive supplement such as phosphatidylserine for a few weeks or months can help you. I'm not saying you NEED phosphatidylserine to cure any "TMS" - I'm just thinking of ways you can make it all a little easier on yourself if you're truly stuck in a rut. Your cortisol is high because of your emotions, and it will go down when you're feeling emotionally balanced again. However, I understand that emotions can be rather intense and some supplemental support is helpful. I also believe that if you have certain structural conditions that may be affected by both emotions and physical lifestyle choices, combining mind and body can further alleviate symptoms. In general, I put a lot of value in treating both the mind and the body kindly, and not smoking two packs of cigarettes a day or eating hotdogs seven times a week. But unless a deficiency is behind one's emotional issues (which requires nothing more than a standard blood test to identify), no amount of fish oil or magnesium is ultimately going to solve your emotional problems.

I developed some anxious and obsessive behaviors as a child because I never felt safe. That's why constant journaling or attempting to identify every single repressed emotion isn't good for me - it only lead me to more obsession. I was obsessed with healing and trying to feel safe, and that generated more fear of my symptoms and overall situation. I had to figure out how to manage my emotions (especially fear) and get back to life again.

 

Hi Dorado,

Thank you for taking the time to create such a detailed post.

Many things strike me, but a central theme that I believe is true for most who recover is that you found your own way, very specific to you. It has to do with "belief" and individuation. I think that each person has to, in a very deep way, put the pieces together for themselves. It is basically very "personal" in that the parts which work, and their configuration fits you exactly. This is takes hard work, sincerity, and a dash of grace. When a few pieces resonate, then the work tends to integrate, become self-fueling, and progress is made.

It isn't what we're told by books and others, so much as it is "knowing what is right for me."

The individuation piece is exemplified by "knowing I am already OK" and taking attuned steps to make this more apparent in time.

Andy B

 

What I am trying to point toward is an "individuation" from our past way of thinking, living, and our conditioned sense of ourselves and our health. And your journey, C. is a great example of this.

 

you mentioned..I had to figure out how to manage my emotions (especially fear) and get back to life again. What fear are you meaning here? fear of symptoms or fear created by general situations in life like fear of an aggressive friend, partner, or fear related to situations at work. Just trying to understand fear in your post was related to what? I actually feel my line of thinking and approaching TMS is very similar to yours thats why finding this post a complete assurance that I am not the only one who believes that trying to heal is not going to help.

 

@Andy B: Healing is definitely individualized! I agree, and that's why it's so important to not get hung up in someone else's specific healing - some of us require something a little different from one another.

@shmps: I would definitely say the elimination of my fear of the symptoms was critical and what I was more focused on. Once I was no longer afraid of the symptoms as I understood they were simply my body responding to emotions, I was in a place where I could address how I manage my emotions and the way I respond to situations in general. Managing my emotions was important for my general well-being as a person because the way I dealt with life wasn't healthy - it was something I had needed to change for a long time, even before I began experiencing disabling symptoms. It's not OK for anyone to not feel alive and feel bad about life.

 

Question...where did you have nerve pain as mentioned above...that has to be the worst. Did all your symptoms fade at the same time ?

 

@Click#7: I had nerve pain almost everywhere - my face (including my cheeks and lips), hands, arms, feet, ankles, legs, stomach, etc. Many of my symptoms occurred on/off throughout my life, so I didn't experience my entire comprehensive list all at once (that would've been pure torture!). The symptoms I was actively experiencing began to fade away, and the ones I wasn't actively experiencing haven't come back.

 

did you ever experience in your hips and back so bad it was difficult to sit ?

 

@Click#7: I occasionally had soreness in those areas that was incredibly painful to the touch, but it wasn't a daily occurrence. I was more terrified of the nerve pain and Raynaud's, and my hyperawareness of those specific symptoms made them much more persistent.

If you're asking because you want to know whether people have healed from those types of symptoms after experiencing them on a daily basis, the answer is definitely yes!

 

Gads I had back fusion surgery 14 months ago....I am better but wondering if you or anyone else on this forum has seen ppl get better after surgery like this. What a mistake. I am about 50 % better and still working on it.

 

Don't view it as a mistake. If you're 50% better, then it's clear that your body is capable of healing and improving. That is an AMAZING percentage! Remember that emotions have been scientifically documented as capable of slowing the body's healing process down.

It's not surgery, but I was having difficulty overcoming medication withdrawal until I started managing my stress and emotions. My brain and neurotransmitters were able to heal MUCH more quickly when I relaxed. I thought I was in the clear after I began eating a squeaky clean diet and increasing my physical activity (I'd read that such lifestyle behaviors ease withdrawal), but the symptoms came right back after I started dealing with stressful situations. This makes sense, as emotions disrupt the body's natural repairs after withdrawal. Ultimately, the production of healing neurotransmitters is halted. Your body isn't going to release GABA, serotonin, and other happy chemicals when you're stuck in a nasty cortisol and adrenaline rush. This is why I tell people to stay OFF withdrawal forums! And also why I don't agree with many of my older posts on TMS Wiki.

I also had difficulty overcoming mono, the common cold, flu bugs, etc. due to emotions causing slow healing. A cold or flu virus often took me six to eight weeks to get over, but now I get back to normal as quickly as everyone else. I'm in my twenties, and my overall health was declining THAT much from emotions!

This is why documented "spontaneous" healings and remissions aren't actually spontaneous, immaculate, and inexplainable - they're simply examples of an individual's body using its own healing chemicals. Western doctors and scientists are still having trouble understanding this concept, although some of them are coming around.

 

An very important point you made which bears emphasis!!

 

fantastic post! really hope to see more posts like this on this site
Emjoy you pain/worry free life Dorado.