How do you know what the unconscious or inner child wants?

[Shakermaker]

Hi,

I was wondering how it's possible to get a good idea of what kind of things the unconscious wants. I know there are things that enrage the subconscious if you do or don't do that can subsequently cause pain or other TMS-related problems.

But how do we always know what exactly enrages it?

For example, I had arranged to go to a party tonight. But at the end of the work day I was so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. In the end I didn't go but I was in 2 minds. On the one hand, I felt far too tired to be the life of the party and was afraid of then being even more tired tomorrow and just getting exhausted. On the other I wanted to go out because, due to some physical injuries I've spent far too much time in social isolation over the last 2 years and that causes me to feel depressed, so it would've been good to meet some new people. Did I make the right choice when it comes to being good to myself and my inner child?

I'm still trying to understand this whole concept. I read The Mind Body Prescription in 2015 but didn't go much deeper into the whole thing than that at the time.

 

[Ines]

Oh man... I always have the same delima. Mine is/was migraines. I’d hate to cancel on people too. I’d feel tremendous guilt. There is no right answer. I do know that I would sabatage myself with worry and bring on a headache. This was more about self esteem and previous problems I’d had with my husband about going out so in the end avoiding it would be easier but then I let down my unconscious and didn’t let joy into my life. One thing I do know is that if you make a promise to yourself and keep breaking it your unconscious is not happy.

 

[miquelb3]

Hi,
In my humble opinion the lazy, dumb, arrogant, unresponsible, irrational, primitive, egotistic,... «inner child» wants just the opposite that the civilized, responsible, rational, educated, ..... adult.
Probably a secret civil war is developing inside us, far from our consciousness. And more the incompabilty between the interests of the «child» and the «adult» .... more pain: the perfect distraction/protection.
Just guessing.

 

[EileenS]

Hi,

I was wondering how it's possible to get a good idea of what kind of things the unconscious wants. I know there are things that enrage the subconscious if you do or don't do that can subsequently cause pain or other TMS-related problems.

But how do we always know what exactly enrages it?

For example, I had arranged to go to a party tonight. But at the end of the work day I was so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. In the end I didn't go but I was in 2 minds. On the one hand, I felt far too tired to be the life of the party and was afraid of then being even more tired tomorrow and just getting exhausted. On the other I wanted to go out because, due to some physical injuries I've spent far too much time in social isolation over the last 2 years and that causes me to feel depressed, so it would've been good to meet some new people. Did I make the right choice when it comes to being good to myself and my inner child?

I'm still trying to understand this whole concept. I read The Mind Body Prescription in 2015 but didn't go much deeper into the whole thing than that at the time.

Hi Shakermaker,
You are overthinking this which is a common tms’er’s habit. To quote Nicole Sachs, your inner child is your 5 year old self. If you were 5, you wouldn’t be worried about how you would feel the next day, you would go have fun at that party because you felt like it at the moment. And your 5 year old self wouldn’t do it just because they didn’t want to disappoint someone. The inner child is the one that is impulsive, not the one that is thinking ahead or analyzing or trying to please others. Does that help?

 

[Shakermaker]

Hi Shakermaker,
You are overthinking this which is a common tms’er’s habit. To quote Nicole Sachs, your inner child is your 5 year old self. If you were 5, you wouldn’t be worried about how you would feel the next day, you would go have fun at that party because you felt like it at the moment. And your 5 year old self wouldn’t do it just because they didn’t want to disappoint someone. The inner child is the one that is impulsive, not the one that is thinking ahead or analyzing or trying to please others. Does that help?

Hi Eileen!

Yes that is helpful, many thanks. Yes I always overthink things! Ok that gives me a better understanding of all this. I guess I have to find a balance between feeding that inner child part without going too extreme and driving my life into chaos

What I've started doing is allowing myself to feel anger more. Whereas I've always tended to bury my anger now I allow myself to shout and scream and swear in my mind (obviously not out loud). I don't know if that is correct but it feels good. Anyway I'm early in the education programme so much to learn still.

Cheers

 

[Rainstorm B]

I used to get into such a horrible mess with just these sorts of dilemma (still do sometimes!) It took me years to realise the problem was not not being able to figure out the ‘right answer’, the problem was thinking there was a ‘right answer’.

And when I figured out this was the problem, it was so helpful because suddenly I realised this was what I do a lot in my life - namely beating myself up for not being able to figure out the ‘right answer’, or do the ‘right thing’ - thus putting heaps of pressure on myself and hugely increasing the likelihood of pain.

So the way I try to look at this sort of ‘dilemma’ today would be to see if there if there are any in-between options, shades of grey between the black and white, this or that, ‘answer’. In this sort of case I might try out ‘ok, part of me wants to go, part of me doesn’t. How about I go along, giving myself permission to not have to be the life and soul of the party and the knowledge that I could leave early if it felt too much? Maybe I could tell my friends how I’m feeling: “I’m really tired tonight, but I haven’t been out recently and miss seeing you guys so I thought I’d drop by for an hour or so to catch up - I’ll have to duck out early probably.” etc.

I might go and discover actually I feel enlivened by being around other people. Or I might get halfway there, feel the call of bed even more strongly, turn around and go home. Or I might not go at all.

Any and all of those options (and any other options we might be able to think of) are ok. And I’ve discovered when I take that pressure off myself (which also means taking the pressure off my inner child/ren), stop making my life a fearful spot on the central reservation of a speeding two-way highway of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ answers, I become more flexible and it starts to get easier to make choices that feel ok for me in any given moment.

I’ve come to realise our lives are in fact a beautiful matrix of the choices we make, branching out in infinite tree-like patterns, each unique to ourselves. There’s no ‘correct’ path to find - just our own individual soul-led paths to follow.

 

[miquelb3]

I used to get into such a horrible mess with just these sorts of dilemma (still do sometimes!) It took me years to realise the problem was not not being able to figure out the ‘right answer’, the problem was thinking there was a ‘right answer’.

And when I figured out this was the problem, it was so helpful because suddenly I realised this was what I do a lot in my life - namely beating myself up for not being able to figure out the ‘right answer’, or do the ‘right thing’ - thus putting heaps of pressure on myself and hugely increasing the likelihood of pain.

So the way I try to look at this sort of ‘dilemma’ today would be to see if there if there are any in-between options, shades of grey between the black and white, this or that, ‘answer’. In this sort of case I might try out ‘ok, part of me wants to go, part of me doesn’t. How about I go along, giving myself permission to not have to be the life and soul of the party and the knowledge that I could leave early if it felt too much? Maybe I could tell my friends how I’m feeling: “I’m really tired tonight, but I haven’t been out recently and miss seeing you guys so I thought I’d drop by for an hour or so to catch up - I’ll have to duck out early probably.” etc.

I might go and discover actually I feel enlivened by being around other people. Or I might get halfway there, feel the call of bed even more strongly, turn around and go home. Or I might not go at all.

Any and all of those options (and any other options we might be able to think of) are ok. And I’ve discovered when I take that pressure off myself (which also means taking the pressure off my inner child/ren), stop making my life a fearful spot on the central reservation of a speeding two-way highway of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ answers, I become more flexible and it starts to get easier to make choices that feel ok for me in any given moment.

I’ve come to realise our lives are in fact a beautiful matrix of the choices we make, branching out in infinite tree-like patterns, each unique to ourselves. There’s no ‘correct’ path to find - just our own individual soul-led paths to follow.

That makes sense.
I think one big mistake is to be absolutely sure that there is only «one right behaviour or answer».....and the rest is misery, failure and/or catastrofy.

 

[Sofa]

Cool thread. I've noticed that guilt is a common theme being brought up (which I've not really considered but it makes total sense). I am plauged with guilt a LOT. Yes I've flaked out on some important commitments over the years and have felt very guilty each time. Does the inner child play some kind of role in this? I'm not in touch with my inner child..

 

[miquelb3]

no doubt, guys.
we are adults and we behave as adults (civilizated, responsible, rational, hard working,...) but inside us, like a matryoshka,

there is a "residual child" (lazy, egotistic, narcissistic, primitive, irrational, ...) trapped by the adult by means of repression/education.
When both, the "adult" and the "child", (with its opposite interests) are very, very strong.... a silent, cruel and ravaging psychological war begins in our "divided mind".
With the appearance of the pain (physical, real, intimidating), or related symptoms, our brain is trying desperately of distracting our awareness from "the magnitude of the tragedy". Call it "emotional protection" if you will. Great protection for a devastating disaster: me against me !

 

[Baseball65]

Great stuff from all the posters on this string.

I have also had to get good at GUESSING. Since it is unconscious and repressed (suppressed, whatever) I am NOT feeling him (the child) when I get the symptom. In fact, the more OK I am when a symptom starts tickling, the more I have to sit down and GUESS what is bugging that guy. I am never 100% sure I've gotten it 'right' BUT the mere fact that I go looking is enough to stop the symptoms.

 

[Free of Fear]

I totally agree Baseball. For me, it's like throwing darts - I try on different ideas and see how they land in my mind.