How do you feel your feelings and still think positively?

[Forest]

I found out that my student who committed suicide died almost exactly to the day that I made that initial post (that's not what got me thinking of him, but I wonder if at some level I knew that date was coming up).

A mutual friend is putting together a prayer/meditation group later this week to honor his memory and I think I'll go. I feel like maybe the universe is stepping in to give me a second chance to grieve.

That sounds like exactly what you need. You didn't get a chance to grieve him the first time around, and I think you need and deserve that chance now.

I think for me the issue is that in many cases I never felt the feelings the first time around, and as I experience new things I want to be fully feeling my feelings.

This really rings true. Later on, you wrote, "(for me, maybe not for everyone)," and I think that our need to either work hard to deeply feel feelings or to merely acknowledge and release them varies not just between people but between different situations that the same person has. For example, I know that there are times when I get hung up on something, and I need to respect and acknowledge the feelings, but then I need to move on. Usually these are situations where my own baggage has invented something for me to feel (I wish I were perfect and baggage free but I'm definitely not!) and and focusing on it would only charge up my neuroses to a truly ridiculous level . At those times, once I've been mindful of my feelings, a better technique than focusing on them might be to journal about the baggage to help understand it better and maybe leave a little bit of it in the next dumpster I see.

At other times, when something big happens like someone committing suicide, you just need to process. People have studied the steps involved in grieving and they can't be skipped.

In the end, like so many other things with PPD/TMS, I see this as a process of discovery. Our PPD is patiently tapping us on the shoulder, letting us know that we have big things that we need to deal with. Our job is to build up our felt sense of our own emotions and our intuition (or, at least, that's how it manifests for me). What I find myself working on and learning about is how to gain a better understanding of what is going on in my emotions and what I need when.

 

[Beach-Girl]

I found out that my student who committed suicide died almost exactly to the day that I made that initial post (that's not what got me thinking of him, but I wonder if at some level I knew that date was coming up).

I would say: absolutely! I lost a friend to suicide, and still, almost 20 years later, I think of him at that time. Our birthdays were just 4 days apart and he died shortly after. So it's a bittersweet time of year. I think for you, you got involved enough with the friend who talked your ear off, that you may have "brushed over it" without knowing. Not a criticism, just being young and not knowing where to "put it".

A mutual friend is putting together a prayer/meditation group later this week to honor his memory and I think I'll go. I feel like maybe the universe is stepping in to give me a second chance to grieve.

I think you're right. There are no accidents. And if this is how you feel? You should go. You can always leave if you are triggered or its not what you want to be a part of. Best wishes to you - and your friend.

BG

 

[MatthewNJ]

Hi everyone,

I find death of anyone a loss. When I know that person, that amps it up. It is sad. My experience with suicide is that it is even more frustrsating because I am questioning why , as well. I am never going to get that answer. If I am sad (and that is one of the toughest emotions for me to get to) I try to "be with it" EG: feel it. I try not to let other peoples inability to get there hamper that. I have my own challanges trying to get there myself. I can only control what I do, not what others are doing.

I don't believe in "mistakes". I try my best every day to live by Miguel Ruiz's 4 agreements. Viewing things as a "mistake" is not being impeccable with my word. I would reword that for myself as "I didn't really want to do that. What did I learn from it? How can I take this learning experience and move on in a fashion that is more acceptable to me". When it comes to feeling feelings and being positive, I try to do both. I have learned from Dr. Evans, and my practice, that when I can"be with" my feelings, I then process them, and they can move on. Instead of ignoring or avoiding and ultimately repressing them. And we all know what happens with repressed feelings. As far as not having my feelings being validated by others, well that again goes back to Miguel Ruiz (as already stated above) to not taking things personally.

When it comes to being positive, I don't believe that is repressing anything. I think it helps me reframe things in a positive way and do positive things to make my life better. Peter Levine calls these positive things "resources". I do not belive that being sad and being positive are mutually exclusive. I do both.

The more I stay in a positive place the more my brain wants to stay positive. The same goes for negativity. It is ultimately my choice.

I am not by any means perfect at ANY of the above. But the more I practice the better I get. I practice by trying to be mindful of what is going on inside me (I use Peter Levine's Sensory Experience and meditation). Then I have a choice on how I respond. Obviously easier said than done. But KEEP practicing. It DOES get better!

 

[Forest]

When it comes to being positive, I don't believe that is repressing anything. I think it helps me reframe things in a positive way and do positive things to make my life better.

This is how I am coming to see it as well. The first step to thinking positive is to recognize and feel your emotions. Only until we understand what is going on can we begin to change our thought patterns and think in a more positive manner. I actually like calling the process re-framing more than think positively. It is not something that we necessarily need to think about, but simply need to develop into.

Matthew, thanks for posting this. It is a wonderful reminder about how to see things in a balanced and allowing state. It is very helpful

 

[Beach-Girl]

The more I stay in a positive place the more my brain wants to stay positive. The same goes for negativity. It is ultimately my choice.

Had a great meeting with some friends the other day. They brought this up when I was expressing my daily worry cycle. We have a choice on how we're going to feel, react, or act for that matter. Getting in touch with how we feel and moving on accordingly is almost an art. I feel I've been "hard wired" to worry. And breaking this cycle is tough. But I know it's there now and I'm ready to break the chain!

And as one of my teachers once said "Awareness is key". And once we become aware of what we're thinking/feeling we do have the choice on how we're going to act. The trick is to remember this. I am still struggling. But you're right Mathew, we have choices. We're not stuck in anger, fear, or any other "negative" thinking. With a some retraining, we can get out of it.

We do have a choice.

BG

 

[Endless luke]

I think the answer to this question is going to depend on which activity you are able to do better. You want to gravitate to the one that is going to get you out of your loop. For me exploring my feelings was not the way to go because I couldn't do it in a way that really let me feel them- instead I would get caught up in how I could prevent future events from happening or stew in my past.

Right now I am having much better luck with positive thoughts. Again, this took a lot of experimentation, in terms of finding the right positive thought. For example, "I am healthy" didn't work for me because I didn't feel healthy.

This doesn't mean that positive thoughts is the right way to go for everybody. I think if I had been able to explore my emotions and fully be in them that would have been effective too. In fact, I hope to try this as after I progress more with positive thinking.

 

[veronica73]

I think am now better able to both feel the actual feelings (which may be "negative") and yet eventually re-frame my thoughts into something more positive. Being able to feel the feelings is important but I also realize that just because I feel angry or sad or whatever doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me or that the world is a bad place (those are not the emotions, those are the thoughts behind them--and that's what I work on re-framing).

Good stuff. How are you doing Luke? Sounds like you've been having some really good insights on all of this.

 

[Endless luke]

Veronica,
I'm making some good progress but it is still very rough going. I think I just need to stay the course that I'm on.

That's interesting that you are reframing the actual thoughts with positive versions. Right now, my positive thoughts aren't very connected with my regular ones- they're more like mantras.

 

[veronica73]

It takes time. Glad you are doing better.