1. Our TMS drop-in chat is today (Saturday) from 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM Eastern U.S.(New York) Daylight Time. It's a great way to get quick and interactive peer support. BruceMC is today's host. Click here for more info or just look for the red flag on the menu bar at 3pm Eastern (now US Daylight Time).
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  2. Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this updated link: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/
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Hi from England

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Brightman, Dec 2, 2018.

  1. Brightman

    Brightman New Member

    Thought I would introduce myself as I have been finding the TMS information very helpful after a long break thinking it would not work for me.

    I live on the coast in southern England (there is a clue in my name) and I have suffered from headaches and migraine since childhood. I came from a very repressed, military family which moved around a lot and all I can remember is being terrified of my father, constant anxiety and "walking on eggshells". Because of my anxiety and pain I became addicted to both alcohol and painkillers but I'm now 3 years sober thanks to AA and Coda (where I find a lot of the personality traits very similar to TMS)

    Life is difficult at the moment as I am having to sell my house due to not being able to work because of 2 heart attacks in the last couple of years as well as the headaches and migraine which are more or less daily. I'm also having to look at my relationship with my wife who is still drinking.

    Since returning to the TMS fold I have found some relief and I'm sure this is at the root of my pain problems. I have committed myself to working this program (but not too hard!) and I look forward to meeting like minded people.
    starseed likes this.
  2. stargazer

    stargazer New Member

    Hi Brightman!

    Great to see another British member here, welcome!

    I grew up on the South Coast too, further west and also use the term 'treading on eggshells' with my upbringing.

    It's taking a while to unpick it all through journalling but I'm positive it is helping.

    Hope you get the support here that you need. Greatest of luck

  3. Shakermaker

    Shakermaker Peer Supporter

    Hi Brightman, another fellow Englander here.

    I grew up in the south east (I live in Germany now). Judging by your username I suspect the town where I grew up is not too far from yours (if you prefix my home town with "creepy", you should get an idea haha).

    I also had a repressed upbringing which I suspect is the main cause of my TMS issues. I've been on this forum for the last month or so and find it really helpful. All the best and well done on all you have achieved so far.
    stargazer likes this.
  4. Coffeeplease

    Coffeeplease Peer Supporter

    Welcome, and I'm new here as well...

    Keep at the work with TMS. I also had a traumatic childhood which caused me to repress most of my emotions. I don't want or need to relive every traumatic event from my past, but it is ok to experience the painful and fearful emotions. You will be ok. My best advice (being so new) and what I've learned so far is to allow yourself to feel what you feel, give yourself self care and love, and let it go.

    Best wishes and keep at it!
  5. Brightman

    Brightman New Member

    Thanks Claire, Shakermaker and Coffeeplease for the welcome. Good to know there are are couple of Brits here.

    I seem to be in this pattern of good day, when all my TMS work pays off and then bad day when I am back in pain and it's hard to cope. Often I seem to wake up with symptoms and I can either deal with them or they seem to have a life of their own. I am getting better at allowing my emotions and self soothing.

    I am finding indecision about whether to sell our house and split up from my drinking wife or to take out a lifetime mortgage and stay in the same situation is a major trigger at the moment. One thing I have learned is that I can't make any decisions while I am in pain and as Alan Gordon points out, I have to make my well being the priority over the situation. I still hate decisions as I always think I will make the wrong one!
    Coffeeplease likes this.
  6. Coffeeplease

    Coffeeplease Peer Supporter

    That makes complete sense about not being able to make decisions while in pain. Maintaining focus and concentration is very difficult when you are suffering. My advice is not to make a decision right now! Focus on yourself and your emotions, and most of all healing.

    Regarding good days and bad days - I read a bit of Steve O's book last night before bed, and what resonated with me was (loosely summarized) when he talks about when you have a good day, don't worry about what tomorrow will be like, whether there will be pain/no pain. But I understand where you are coming from because I've been/am there. On days when I felt less pain, I was still scared of when it would come back. I'm practicing letting go of that fear and thought pattern. Today I feel fabulous, I'm not 100% but I'm walking better than I have in well over two months. This morning I journaled about being grateful for that, having hope, focusing on every positive thing I possibly can.

    Also from Steve O.....A list of daily things to practice - Visualize yourself a pain free vessel, list three things you are grateful for, visualize yourself pain free.

    Keep hanging in there, and you are on track to keep your well being the priority. A very wonderful friend of mine told me I can't take care of anyone else unless I take care of myself first.
    JanAtheCPA, Trellis and Cheryl like this.
  7. Snowman

    Snowman Peer Supporter

    Also from England. Love the South especially looe Cornwall. So relaxed when I go there. I'm from the Midlands. Anyone else ?
  8. stargazer

    stargazer New Member

    Aw Snowman, I used to live in West Looe! Happy days!
  9. Brightman

    Brightman New Member

    Thanks for the tips Coffeeplease. Read your story - you have really been through it. Great that you are walking better and you seem very positive.

    I'm trying to stay calm, work Alan's structured program and read lots of posts but it's hard not to feel anxious with the bank wanting their money back and having to sell the house. Getting migraines every other day for some reason and life looks really bleak and difficult on those days. Realising I am a born worrier but trying to spot fearful thoughts.

    I seem to have a lot of guilt that I haven't lived up to other people's expectations but it's hard trying to explain to people the whole concept of TMS and how it can completely take over your life. I haven't been able to work for the last couple of years because of chronic daily migraines and 2 heart attacks but I still feel I have let everyone down somehow. Guess it's my people pleasing.

    I'm also stressing about the relationship with my drinking wife. I think you mentioned hanging on to the fantasy more than the reality and that is something I can relate to. I feel guilty for putting her out of a home despite the fact she drinks daily and we hardly ever communicate. There is the possibility of taking out a lifetime mortgage and staying in the house but my heart says it's time to face reality and go our separate ways.

    Think if I get through this I will have my TMS licked!
    Coffeeplease likes this.
  10. starseed

    starseed Peer Supporter

    Hiya @Brightman

    Also from UK - I’m from Scotland but currently living in Turkey. This forum is fantastic in every way possible with support, information, knowledge and experience and more. We tend to think we are all unique in our problems until we meet on here then we find we are all ‘linked’ really. I wish you the very best in your healing :)
  11. Coffeeplease

    Coffeeplease Peer Supporter

    It can be overwhelming, and you have a lot of stress and things to deal with.....I had a great day Tuesday, backslide yesterday and felt absolutely horrible and return of major pain in my legs. I've been reading Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weeks as well, at the recommendation of @JanAtheCPA. I am flying through the book, there is so much good information. Two simple things have highly impacted me from this book: 1) Completely, 100% accept that this is caused by TMS (she refers to it as "nervous illness" and true acceptance of the pain/suffering; 2) time and patience to heal.

    Last night I accepted the pain in my legs, felt the shooting in my feet, accepted this process is going to take time for me to heal. In the throes of pain, it is VERY difficult to stay positive. I thought about not hating my pain, again accepting it and myself as I am right now. As far as your relationship, I can identify. I thought I could fix/help my husband, and as I mentioned in my story I accept my role and responsibility there too. As time has passed and processing through all the feelings, it was in no way a healthy relationship for either one of us. Sometimes you can love someone but it's not healthy to be together. But only you can make that decision. Just know you can get through this!!
    JanAtheCPA and starseed like this.
  12. Brightman

    Brightman New Member

    Thanks Coffeeplease.

    I know this has been talked about before but I'm still a bit confused as to whether this is about fear or anger? Does it really matter and is this the right place to post these questions?

    Is it that my anxious, fearful brain finds anger dangerous or my people pleasing and perfectionism makes anger unacceptable? Is it just that I am fearful most of the time?

    I have had a good couple of days by not paying attention to my pain and using gratitude and mindful breathing so I know I'm onto something.

    Thanks for your support.
    Coffeeplease likes this.
  13. Coffeeplease

    Coffeeplease Peer Supporter

    I totally get what you mean!! It's difficult to identify the emotions and what is actually causing them.... I'll get angry, but not know why. I'll break down and cry for hours and not really know for sure what is making me so sad. I think that does stem from the perfectionism just like you say. And I don't know how you feel, but I always felt I had to live up to some unrealistic standard to feel love and accepted. I let people take advantage of me, and that makes me angry at them, but also at myself for allowing it to happen. So I've been working on boundaries.

    But I completely identify with the difficulty of not being able to identify why we/I experience the emotions I do. At this point, I let myself feel it even though I don't know for sure where the source is.

    I'm so glad you had a good couple of days, yes you are definitely on the right path. The not paying attention is huge...I had a good day yesterday but then some shooting pain last night but it is lessening in intensity. I ignored it, and by ye Gods it did go away! Keep up the great work and staying positive.

    JanAtheCPA likes this.

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