Fear of healing! And now unbearable pain

[Renate]

3 weekes ago I participated in a life-meditation of Joe Dispenza ( via Internet) and there I found out that I was very afraid of healing!! Since then I have unbearable pain! During the 8 years of my foot pain I have lost my job and my partner, so I don’t know what I will do when the pain will be gone. In my trauma therapy it became obvious that my biggest fear was loneliness and the feeling of isolation, due to the events in my childhood. Now we are working on it and I think this will take time....
Has anyone of you experienced chronic pain because of a trauma?
Do you have any idea how I could handle this excruciating pain that I have since the meditation? I am talking to my inner child and tell her she is not alone and I am here.....but it does not help.

 

[Time2be]

Dear Renate,
Sorry that you are having a bad time. I guess there will be a time when you feel that you don’t need the pain anymore. I am it there yet, but I can see the light at the horizon.
Right now I don’t have pain, but I feel a certain emotional tensio anyway. Before then the pain took over. Now I have to address my feelings. Not all that easy I have to say. But better than to be in pain.

 

[hecate105]

In healing ourselves we become 'in charge' - as we should be... it is our life, our choices, our miracle...
But taking on that responsibility can be really scary and worrying - I too felt a lot of fear when i went through the process.
It means stepping up in our own life and being the responsible adult - as well as the inquiring, magical child. We can balance that - but it takes practice and time.
As with all tms work - take it a step at a time and be gentle with yourself.
Try reasoning with yourself - if you are able to overcome the feeling of isolation and loneliness - you are able to make your life whatever you want it to be.
This really does happen.....
I was trapped in my house by disability for 22 years - now I am off walking the coast path, I spent 7 weeks cycling in Asia to escape the British winter (and brexit bull****!) and later this year i will paddle down the Thames river - not bad for someone who had to use a wheelchair to get round a supermarket!!
So - believe in yourself, give yourself time and space to heal, cultivate your sense of humour (it is the best tool you have!) and above all be kind to yourself....

 

[karinabrown]

Dear Renate,
Sorry that you are having a bad time. I guess there will be a time when you feel that you don’t need the pain anymore. I am it there yet, but I can see the light at the horizon.
Right now I don’t have pain, but I feel a certain emotional tensio anyway. Before then the pain took over. Now I have to address my feelings. Not all that easy I have to say. But better than to be in pain.

I was wondering if i should post a question and just took a peek at the post and there it is..your reply
Time 2 be
This is my feeling right now too
Unbelievable
Foot better.. wham anxiety , depresion and imsominia started
I thought anything was better than pain.. but this is so hard as well

 

[karinabrown]

Renate,

I am slowly understanding this concept myself : the fear to heal
Cause it means: taking responsability
and after loosing a lot because of pain
that is really scarry
I lost somuch because of pain too
and maybe we fear we cannot bear that again? But the sad part is ofcourse then we freeze and give the pain our whole life ..

I was pretty far on my jearney
and thought i almost did’ it
But not yet
The fear is the real issue i guess
What worked before was : stop
waiting for it to get better and get back to living
That worked until new stressors hit me
So must keep going : so do you!
All this working to get better’
is in the end in the way of really living
Trying to get to a point where i notice: i am very scared but doing
stuff anyway
maybe my fearfull brain will pick up
that tune again



@hecate105 love your reply
which is hopefull and scary at the same time
(22 years .. that is heavy)
I do not know how you found your way out ? But that is huge!
I seems you did it step by step

 

[Renate]

Thank you all for your helpful and comforting words!! It‘so good to know that I am not alone and that there are people who know what I‘m talking about!

 

[Anne Walker]

When I first started learning about TMS I often was puzzled over how our subconscious could choose pain as a distraction. I could not imagine what could possibly be worse than the pain. Once I really dove in and started exploring the emotional side of things, I got my answer. I think those of us who have experienced childhood trauma perhaps understand this the best. I am just now beginning to approach the core. I finally have an excellent therapist and I have been seeing her once a week for over a year. We have been dancing around the trauma. I have eluded to it. I am not even sure how to really talk about it. I say “it” and yet I know that it was something that occurred for years. I feel as though I do not have specific memories to talk about. And yet somehow I know. And I don’t know what I know. In one of our last sessions we made an agreement to start slowly, safely, talking about “it” without going too fast and creating overwhelm. Even that simple discussion I stated to feel chills, the kind I felt when coming out of anesthesia after surgery. If you have experienced trauma, it is a natural side effect of TMS to amp up the pain to distract you. Your subconscious is trying to protect you from it. It is how you have always protected yourself, what you have done to survive. And you have survived. Now it may be safe to try a new way. Some can jump in and confront it head on, poof, they don’t need that distraction anymore. Others like myself, may take years to dance around it before they feel safe approaching. I am not going to give myself a hard time about that anymore. I have survived. Others have not. But if you move in the direction of exploring the emotional side and there is an increase in pain or a new symptom, take note, write it down. Create an evidence sheet. This may help in creating a sense of safety, in removing doubt.

 

[healingfromchronicpain]

Yes, I’ve experienced chronic pain because of trauma. You’re definitely not alone. And healing can be a very slow process for some of us (well, at least for me—11.5 years since I discovered the mindbody connection).

If you’re interested in more detail, I’ve briefly described my story on my personal website (and more details of my trauma and healing journey will be in my memoir that I’m working on)
healingfromchronicpain.com