I think another visit to the ER is inevitable. I am just so afraid of telling them the truth of my suicidal ideation and having them lock me up indefinitely. Not a pleasant thought.
Hey again
@Davideus85,
Still keeping you in thought and prayer.
As far as being put away indefinitely, can you take your thoughts to look at evidence for that, at facts? I know it's hard; I've been there. I do understand that fear.
But...take a moment and try to step outside your self, or find a space/place in your brain where you can ask:
"How many people do I, David, know of who have been locked away indefinitely?"
(I, Carol, know of no one.)
"Would healthcare workers really want someone to be put away indefinitely?"
(No. If so, it would be very few and they shouldn't be in healthcare. Plus, patients have rights.)
"What is the worst that could happen to me?"
(I know this may seem strange, but if you can accept the worst, all roads are up from there. It is very rare for the worst to happen.)
"What might happen that could be good...even the best?"
(If you can engender some hope, even just a crack (& I know how hard impossible that feels right now)...that can help possibilities/solutions squeak through...)
A couple stories:
My mom lived with bipolar disorder. When she was in her 30s, she was institutionalized 2 times. And she came out better for it. Raised three kids and was successful in sales. When she was 60 (and still on meds for bipolar) my dad had a car wreck that rendered him a quadriplegic until his death 12+ years later. Mom was his main caregiver through those years, and they lived as full as two can in that situation. Did she have mental health problems during that time? Yes. (But who wouldn't?) Toward the end of that 12+ years, she had to go through some shock treatments and in-care stay. But, she came out of that and lived a happy life into her mid-80s.
My niece was in-care hospitalized for suicide and depression when she was in her 20s. Her stay wasn't pleasant, but it helped her and she manages well now, in her late 30s. Not without episodes, but she has tools and meds that help.
And, I think I've shared with you that I too have been through multiple bouts of suicidal ideation. Panic, anxiety, depression. These still visit from time to time and back in March, I had to restart on low-dose Paxil, which has always helped when I've had to take it over the past 20+ years. Suicidal ideation visits rarely now, but when it does...
it doesn't have the power it once did. I know the evidence. It always passes. And if I need help, I reach out....just like you have here. You took a leap and trusted and I commend you for that! Now, do the same with the ER; folks there left the door open for you when they said to reach out to them again if you need to.
You will find support outside the forum. There are good people in the healthcare industry; ER docs are some of the best. And yes, there are sour grapes in any field. I've had some of those and stopped seeing them. You will figure that out, but first .... trust, in spite of your fear, and take the steps to get help where you are.
You are worthy and a wonderful soul; it comes through in your posts.
You can get through this. The evidence is on your side.
Sending vibes of love, strength, and hope...
~Carol
