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Don’t know what to do at this point

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Davideus85, Jun 16, 2021.

  1. Davideus85

    Davideus85 Peer Supporter

    Depression and anxiety symptoms are continuing to get much worse. Now I have unbearable obsessive compulsive thoughts that I have to live with everyday, dissociation, and just the total inability to enjoy anything. I know it’s all TMS but that doesn’t stop me from completely freaking out over it. At this point it’s so bad I don’t have the ability to deal with it on my own like I use to. The pain recovery program, Dr. Schubiner’s Unlearn Your Anxiety and Depression, Claire Weekes’ Help for your Nerves….all those resources that use to help me are now completely useless to helping me. It’s simply too advanced at this point that I can’t get it under control. I’ve never been in such a low place in my life. Doctors can’t seem to help me and my family has cut me off. So I really don’t see any hope left. I’m now at the point where I am constantly thinking of taking my life just to end all the pain. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. I have no idea what to do anymore.
  2. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Last edited: Jun 16, 2021
    Davideus85 likes this.
  3. 444

    444 Peer Supporter

    There are suicide hotline numbers you could call if you needed to speak with someone immediately and couldn’t reach a TMS physician. Please reach out to one of these professionals!!
    oneperson and Davideus85 like this.
  4. TG957

    TG957 Beloved Grand Eagle

    So sorry it is happening to you! You need to get urgent medical help. And if you need to get on meds to reduce your anxiety, you should consider it, as cautiously as possible. Keep us posted, we care about you!
    oneperson, Ellen and Davideus85 like this.
  5. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Glad you're checking in to express your depression. We're quite limited in what we can do, other than suggest professional help.

    In my opinion, it might be best to let go of any TMS view on your symptoms, and address your mental health issues strictly within the traditional therapeutic/medical model.

    That is, get crisis help with whomever you're working with, don't worry about a TMS approach for depression and anxiety. TMS approach is not really for a suicidal crisis; the traditional therapeutic/mental health models are best for this.

    In fact, your focus on TMS may, right now, be obscuring your clear-sighted need for a different kind of help.

    With Respect,

    westb, Kittyruns, oneperson and 5 others like this.
  6. Davideus85

    Davideus85 Peer Supporter

    I keep seeking out TMS therapists for help, and I keep getting the same response, which is that TMS therapy is not what I need right now at this point. Makes sense considering I’m at the point where I am actively planning how I might kill myself, so I’m not sure how TMS therapy is going to help right now. Than again, not sure what medical professionals will be able to either. I’ve reached out to my doctor several times and he’s not sure what to do. Things look pretty hopeless for me here.
  7. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    I agree with Andy.

    I am so very sorry you are in this much emotional pain. From a medical perspective, doctors should not simply be shrugging you off - suicidal thoughts are serious and the way you feel is important. Are there any treatments they have recommended - in the past or recently?
    oneperson and Davideus85 like this.
  8. Davideus85

    Davideus85 Peer Supporter

    I have a journal full of notes on TMS that I’ve been writing for the last few years, and I wrote a paper on my personal journey with TMS. I just want to make sure someone gets a hold of it should something happen to me. I really hope it can be put to use and help someone else someday.
    oneperson likes this.
  9. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    @Davideus85, what was the last thing that made you feel a bit of happiness, even if brief? Have you ever had a break from the obsessive thoughts? Maybe a medication from a doctor that helped?
  10. Davideus85

    Davideus85 Peer Supporter

    I havn’t felt an ounce of happiness in the last two months. I am constantly being assaulted by obsessive thought patterns and dissociation. It feels like I’m disconnected from my surroundings and it’s scary as f***. It’s hard to explain but I’m also all a suddenly hyper-self aware of my own thoughts. I’ll be aware that I’m thinking, than aware that I’m aware of what I’m thinking about…..I have to self-analyze EVERYTHING…And I can’t turn it OFF….it’s a nightmare. When I’m not being barraged by obsessive thoughts or dissociation, I’m having constant panic attacks. It’s 24/7. I can’t experience ONE MINUTE of peace. And I can’t feel positive sensations in my body at all. It’s like something is blocking my ability to feel pleasure. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. The things I use to LOVE doing…reading, writing, watching movies, playing video games, going for a run….does absolutely nothing for me now. I’m totally emotionally numb. The only thing I can feel is fear and anxiety and occasionally sadness. It is absolute hell. I thought it would be temporary as everything else has been, but its been over 2 months and absolutely nothing has changed, nothing gets better. I’d seriously rather not be alive than continue to exist like this. It just isn’t worth it. I’m scared as shit of dying though. I am not exaggerating when I say this the most terrifying experience of my life. Nothing comes close to this. God help me. I seriously just want to die and end this nightmare.
  11. TG957

    TG957 Beloved Grand Eagle

    You need to call 800-273-8255. It is suicide prevention line. Please do it!
    oneperson, miffybunny, yb44 and 3 others like this.
  12. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    I 100% agree with @TG957. There are resources that can help you - please tell them what you’ve told us here (the full story). Trained resources will not shrug you or such feelings off. You are not alone.

    TMS work can be important, but as Andy said, I don’t think that’s what you need right now. And that’s okay.
  13. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    @Davideus85, one additional note: nobody wants to commit suicide. It goes against our human nature. We only want our emotional pain to cease. You’ve been through two months of nonstop emotional pain - these thoughts are nothing but a response to that pain. The right resources (such as the suicide hotline) will help ease and manage your emotional pain.

    Sending lots of love your way.
  14. hawaii_five0

    hawaii_five0 Well known member

    @Davideus85, my heart goes out to you. Absolutely definitely tell your doctor what you have said here and if he/she cannot prescribe you medication then go to a different doctor or emergency room and as others have suggested please call a suicide prevention hotline. There are some medications which can calm you down, and get you back to a place where you can start to handle things again.
    oneperson, Davideus85 and Dorado like this.
  15. Davideus85

    Davideus85 Peer Supporter

    Was driving to the ER for my suicidal thoughts after talking to the Sucidal Hotline when I decided i couldn’t go through with it and went back home. Soon after I got home, I started having excruciating pain in my lower abdomen and nausea. Started vomiting and feeling very flu like aches in my body and chills. The pain got so bad (Ever seen “Alien” ? Felt like that bursting out of my stomach) I rushed myself to the ER. Ended up staying overnight. They did a bunch of tests and pumped me full of drugs and the doctor said all they could really find was there was some inflammation around my small intestines. During all this time, I didn’t feel any of my depression/anxiety/OCD/suicidal ideation. They asked me if I was having any suicidal thoughts and I said yes I have been for a while but not at that moment, so they told me to come back in if I was having those thoughts again. They released me yesterday morning and I ended up sleeping the whole day feeling very sick. The pain in my abdomen and the nausea has gone away but was than replaced with pain in my lungs. It’s gotten better but it’s still a bit painful when I try to breath in deeply. Now my psychological symptoms (Depression/anxiety/OCD) is back with a vengeance. I’d definitely rather stay in bed sick for the rest of my life than feel this way. I think it’s safe to say however that this is all TMS! Not sure what to make of all this but my brain is doing some crazy shit.

    @Andy Bayliss @Dorado @TG957 @hawaii_five0 @444 @backhand @Balsa11
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2021
    Balsa11 likes this.
  16. oneperson

    oneperson Peer Supporter

    Hey @Davideus85,

    So sorry to read that you're still traversing this darkness...

    It's good you went to the ER and interesting as far as your response. Yes, there is definitely a mind-body aspect to the psychological (and physical) symptoms, but right now, it sounds like you need some emergency first aid and follow-up to get you through this ongoing crisis.

    [Your ER experience reminds me of some of mine, but I was at the ER for asthma (lots of times). Sometimes just getting to the waiting room helped calm the attack, which pointed to a mind-body aspect. I think just knowing I was in a safe place and relief was coming helped. (I eventually got well from the asthma through integrative and mind-body medicine.)]

    Do you have anyone local who can help you find a good doctor/counselor? I know it's probably hard to access cognitive function right now, and you may not be able to think of anyone. But even if you can make it back to the ER and let them know exactly what you have shared here, maybe they could refer you? It sounds like the ER folks were helpful when you were there?

    You will get through this David. Right now, it may feel impossible. But please hang in there. Find a thread/reason you can hang in there; even something as simple as making your bed.

    And tell yourself you will make it through, that this isn't a permanent, that you've gotten through challenges before. If you can focus on your heart area and breathe and maybe change your surroundings if that's available...that may help. Even an inkling of space can help your ability to think more clearly, even if it's only for a moment.

    Once you make it through this dark tunnel (which may take some medication - and that's okay), you'll be stronger and will probably look back with a "wow." You will learn that you don't have to fear it; it will lose its power.

    Sending you love and light and peace....
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2021
    Balsa11 and Dorado like this.
  17. oneperson

    oneperson Peer Supporter

    @Davideus85 ...Just reposting @TG957 post.
    Reminding you that "we care about you!"
    That is another reason to hang in there. ((( <3 )))
  18. oneperson

    oneperson Peer Supporter

    Are you able to post that paper of you personal journey on the forum?

    I'm sure many of us would like to read it.

    Sending love, light, peace, and strength...
  19. oneperson

    oneperson Peer Supporter

    One more thing @Davideus85 ...

    I don't know your spiritual beliefs (if any). Regardless of that, this scripture verse can be adapted. Repeating it over and over helped get me through some of my worst, darkest, deepest, murkiest pits and tunnels. I would say it over and over and over and over and over, sometimes yelling it out loud as I took my self on a drive in the car. Don't know if will help a all. But I thought I'd share it, if it helps at all.

    [I no longer fall in the Bible-believing camp, so when I've used it in recent years, I sometimes change the word "God" to "Life." (I'm an ambiguous agnostic now.)]

    It is II Timothy 1:7: "For God [Life] has not given us [me] the spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

    Love, light, peace, and strength....
  20. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Maybe get a COVID test just in case? Stress may cause these symptoms but it's good to rule it out. Check out your diet as well, take out junk food, artificial sweeteners and colors, cut down on carbs, etc. Keep relatively active and get enough sleep just so your body has something predictable to get used to.

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