Day 25: Prying Open Repressed Emotions

[shirleypm]

Those of you who read my previous post know that I've felt "stuck." There are two big reasons, not wanting to face some very strong emotions, and also a level of impatience that I'm more mindful of.

The other day, I was spider writing about my fears for a business I'm trying to build, and I experienced a wave of strong emotions. I was at my daughters' swim practice, so I took my laptop and went to my van. I was furious with myself, bewildered with feelings of sadness, and yes, intense rage. The ugly crying came out.

If I stand back as a yoga teacher, I see that I'm harshly judging myself. Part of me truly knows that, but the child who was told for years to "just deal with it" is trying to come out. This is quite ironic, seeing I come from a rather emotionally flamboyant Italian American family. Our family culture has always been about open expressions, physical expressions with our arms, faces, hands. And yet, I'm now aware that the serious feelings are usually hidden behind that illusion of expression.

I'm not sure where I am in this program, to be honest, but I'm determined to keep going, even if it hasn't been as regular as the inner perfectionist in me wants it to be. The inner yogini says, "be gentle on yourself." I'm getting back on the wagon. The physical pain is still there, but I am pleased to say that it hasn't gotten worse since I resumed my activities and removed my knee brace and SI support belt.

As of today, I'm going to make a concerted effort to write my intentions and affirmations, and put them in obvious places in my home. I need those reminders. And just as I teach my yoga students, I think I'm due for Lion's Pose. Time to roar. If you're curious what Lion's Pose is, I wrote about it (and anger) this past fall. I need the physical expression, and this pose and breathing exercise is an an enormous help: http://www.shirleymccormack.com/releasing-anger/

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Shirleypm. How wonderful that you are exercising without support from the knee brace and support belt.
You're doing pure TMS belief and that's so important for healing.

Also great that you are going to spend some more time on your intentions and affirmations.
I practice affirmations regularly, to remind myself that I am getting better all the time.

Keep at the SEP and it will be your trusted, true friend.

 

[shirleypm]

Thanks for the support.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

If I stand back as a yoga teacher, I see that I'm harshly judging myself.

Hi Shirley,
I think this is so important to see. When I started studying Dr. Sarno's approach I had already had many years of observing and disengaging with the Inner Critic. It was easy for me to understand Dr. Sarno's theory because of my direct experience of the Superego activity moment to moment. I saw immediately that the pressures are so extreme, that pain could easily be caused by this. The intensity and persistence of the Superego activity demonstrates to me how deep the "need not to feel is." So Bravo! to you to observe the self-rejection, name it, and deal with it as best you can. And in your awareness, using my thinking above, it may help you to understand the reasons for pain more directly, more experientially. You have very good evidence of the psycho-dynamics that Dr. Sarno described.

I also feel that when folks say "be gentle on yourself" this is great advice, and we would all like this, but it is not easy. In my experience, self-compassion comes from really feeling the pain of the self-rejection. We have to experience the inner hell realms in order to reduce acting them out on ourselves. So I like your post for that. That you are appreciating the suffering you are undergoing, and have empathy for yourself.

Andy B.