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New Program Day 13: Overcoming Uncertainty
- Thread starter Alan Gordon LCSW
- Start date
Ollin
Well known member
We are all going to die. In a few decades your current worries won't matter. Just make the best of life and enjoy because it's never perfect anyway...
I can't believe I said this. Normally I'm a basket of worries. . But I'm having a better day than yesterday so right here right now I feel OK. And the pain is no worse though I feel it more as no worries distract me. Seems I have it the wrong way round.
Boy, I can really relate to the uncertainty regarding decisions - and in my case they have to do with the diagnosis of TMS vs severe hip osteoarthritis. Which do I have - or is it both? Do I continue to take the TMS approach and limp around at work (my nickname is now PegLeg) or bite the bullet and get a total hip replacement (and hope like hell that the pain doesn't come back or move elsewhere). This indecision is causing a great deal of anxiety - and it can't be helping me get closer to pain free. Thanks to those of you have articulated so well the TMS vs aging tug of war.
Carol Omans
Peer Supporter
Hi Sprocket, if you can find a TMS doc in your area, go! I have the same diagnosis and have been working the program diligently for about 6 months and there has been a significant improvement. 2 years ago I was in so much hip pain that I had to use a walker at times. I'm 70 years old. The surgeons want to replace your hip because that's what they do and what they know. I was told it MIGHT help to have my hip replaced. I limped and the limp is gone.
The pain 85 percent better.
Seeing a TMS doctor really helps take away the uncertainty. If you don't live near one, get on a plane! It's way easier than surgery.
This program works. I just came in the house from swimming and working out in the pool.
Good luck to you!
The pain 85 percent better.
Seeing a TMS doctor really helps take away the uncertainty. If you don't live near one, get on a plane! It's way easier than surgery.
This program works. I just came in the house from swimming and working out in the pool.
Good luck to you!
I definitely have certain decisions in my life where anxiety is heightened. Anything related to money matters makes me nervous and I can't decide on what to do. I was given advice by someone who said you just have to rip the bandage off and just make a decision. I found that advice hard to follow. I think easing the anxiety first by saying whatever I decide will be fine is a gentler way to accept the result of a decision that we are unsure about.Day 12: Overcoming Uncertainty
In her book, Bossypants, Tina Fey talks about struggling with a decision as she approached the age of forty. Should she have a second child, or should she continue focusing on her career? She felt that she needed to choose between the two options, since, as she put it, “Science shows that fertility and movie offers drop off steeply for women after forty.”
After months of anxiety, she found herself at her physician’s office for an annual check-up. The moment her doctor entered the room, Tina burst into tears.
Her physician listened to her anxiously weigh the pros and cons of each option, then calmly told her, “Either way, everything will be fine.” That’s all it took. Her anxiety melted away.
Lowering the Stakes
The feeling of uncertainty can be difficult to bear. Often we put pressure on ourselves when we’re faced with the unknown:
“Should I go to UCLA or should I go to USC?”
“Should I get a job or should I go back to grad school?”
“Should I order pizza or should I get a salad?”
When we agonize over a decision, our brains are getting the message that one outcome is acceptable and one outcome is unacceptable. This sense of urgency can activate our danger signals.
During these times, the single best thing you can say to comfort the primitive part of your brain is this:
“It’s going to be okay either way.”
Now does this mean that one outcome isn’t preferable to another? Of course not, there’s often going to be one outcome that's more desirable. But there’s a difference between telling yourself, “One outcome is acceptable and the other is unacceptable” and “Both outcomes are acceptable though one might be better.”
“It’s going to be okay either way” is a type of cognitive soothing that can be really effective in the face of uncertainty. It can comfort the primitive part of your brain, letting it know that you’re not in danger.
Of course, 1% of the time, it really isn’t going to be okay either way. For example, if you’re told that you have a tumor, and will find out in three days whether it’s malignant or benign, one outcome truly isn’t okay. In these cases, all you can do is use the coping mechanisms that you have to get through that waiting period, and hope for a positive outcome.
99% of the time though, it really is going to be okay either way. And when you find yourself worrying about a particular outcome or struggling over a decision, giving yourself that message can go a long way toward reducing your anxiety and helping you to feel safe.
By the way, Tina Fey ended up having a second child and continued making movies into her forties. Which goes to show you, not only do most of the things you worry about never actually happen, often when you stop worrying, you allow your life to unfold in ways you never could have imagined.
Thank you Carol and MWsunin12 for the encouragement! I have trouble in that my pain doesn't directly relate to situations I'm in or emotions I'm having - it is constant pain and made much worse by sitting, standing and walking - and never better when doing something I like or worse when have other life problems. So it's quite physical, but also TMS in that I have the personality type and high anxiety since childhood. So maybe I need to just focus on the anxiety instead of the pain, as I think Christie suggested a while back. But this is difficult to shift. I'll check out the book you mentioned. Thanks for the support
Livinginhope
Peer Supporter
I call this familiar discomfort. I use it for my clients and I guess that I am guilty of it as well. My mind forms mental ruts that have a well worn path. I know that it is uncomfortable in that grove, but for some reason, moving to a different option often feels even more unsettling. I am trying really hard to embrace the unknown and to trust that I can figure it out and come out the other end. I always say to my clients that change is the most exciting and the most frightening word in the English language; without we stagnate. Perhaps I should start listening to what I say to others.
Shanshu Vampyr
Well known member
I literally read this after a worry-filled night of insomnia, so this comes at a timely time. Do I do physical therapy for a potential shoulder injury from aggressive lifting, or do I chalk it up to TMS given that that's my diagnosis even though it seems to fly in the face of all that is psychogenic?
In the end,
"It's going to be OK either way. This too shall pass."
Strangely, I tried to apply this soothing to my own self last night and it didn't work. Guess it always seems more authentic coming from a trusted source.
In the end,
"It's going to be OK either way. This too shall pass."
Strangely, I tried to apply this soothing to my own self last night and it didn't work. Guess it always seems more authentic coming from a trusted source.
I'm going to try to keep this in mind. I know this relates to me. I oftentimes (maybe subconciously) think "if this doesn't go well it's all over."
"If I get a B in this class it's all over!"
"If I don't get another $2000 in the next (x time) it's all over"
"If I don't xyz...." you get the point.
"If I don't get exactly the right songs for this gig I will never get another job again"
It's difficult for me to just say 'let it go' when it's gnawing at me in the back of my mind
I wonder if It would be beneficial to sit down and actually think out what could happen in these situations, to find out worst case scenario is maybe unlikely or maybe not that bad?
"If I get a B in this class it's all over!"
"If I don't get another $2000 in the next (x time) it's all over"
"If I don't xyz...." you get the point.
"If I don't get exactly the right songs for this gig I will never get another job again"
It's difficult for me to just say 'let it go' when it's gnawing at me in the back of my mind
I wonder if It would be beneficial to sit down and actually think out what could happen in these situations, to find out worst case scenario is maybe unlikely or maybe not that bad?
Kevin Barry
Peer Supporter
What I have learned about my projections is that I can never know what the real truth is about them is because for me an innate aspect of projection is fear. And in the case of projection it is not really fear that I am dealing with but anxiety because it is a fear of the unknown and always much more powerful than just plain fear. I have had projections that have come true almost to the letter and when they did they felt completely differently than when I projected them because the emotions that I felt from the actual experience were completely different than the emotions that I felt from the projections. When I can stay in the now I am always in a lot better place than if I am up in my head projecting off into a non-existent future. When the future becomes the now, which it always is does, it never seems as bad as I thought it would be. Hope this helps a little.
Kevin Barry
Peer Supporter
Day 13: Overcoming Uncertainty
In her book, Bossypants, Tina Fey talks about struggling with a major life decision as she approached the age of forty. Should she have a second child, or should she continue focusing on her career? She felt that she needed to choose between the two options, since, as she put it, “Science shows that fertility and movie offers drop off steeply for women after forty.”
After months of anxiety, she found herself at her physician’s office for an annual check-up. The moment her doctor entered the room, Tina burst into tears.
Her physician listened to her anxiously weigh the pros and cons of each option, then calmly told her, “Either way, everything will be fine.” That’s all it took. Her anxiety melted away.
Lowering the Stakes
The feeling of uncertainty can be difficult to bear. Often we put pressure on ourselves when we’re faced with the unknown:
“Should I go to UCLA or should I go to USC?”
“Should I get a job or should I go to grad school?”
“Should I order pizza or should I get a salad?”
Sometimes we get so worked up about a decision that it feels like one outcome will be great and the other will be a total disaster. That kind of extreme thinking is sure to activate our danger signals.
During these times, the single best thing you can say to comfort the primitive part of your brain is this:
“It’s going to be okay either way.”
Now does this mean that one outcome isn’t preferable to another? Of course not, there’s often going to be one outcome that's more desirable. But there’s a difference between telling yourself, “One outcome is great and the other is a disaster” and “Both outcomes are fine though one might be better.”
“It’s going to be okay either way” is a type of Cognitive Soothing that can be really effective in the face of uncertainty. It comforts the primitive part of your brain, letting it know that you’re not in danger.
Of course, 1% of the time, it really isn’t going to be okay either way. For example, if you’re told that you have a tumor, and will find out in three days whether it’s malignant or benign, one outcome truly isn’t okay. In these cases, all you can do is use the coping mechanisms that you have to get through that waiting period, and hope for a positive outcome.
99% of the time though, it really is going to be okay either way. And when you find yourself worrying about a particular outcome or agonizing over a decision, giving yourself that message can go a long way toward reducing your anxiety and helping you feel safe.
By the way, Tina Fey ended up having a second child AND continued making movies into her forties. Which goes to show you, not only do most of the things you worry about never actually happen, often when you stop worrying, you allow your life to unfold in ways you never could have imagined.
Thanks Alan this is all really good stuff. When it comes to lowering the stakes one of my all time favorite attitude adjustments is to remember that when I lower my expectations I automatically improve my performance. Paradoxically this plugs into my desires to do the best I can. By giving up on being the best, I wind up doing my best . . . which is even better! (Almost like a 2-for
LindenSwole
Peer Supporter
This is the truth. When all of this really started developing (TMS) in me - I was really too wound up in my own success as a top performer at my software company. Every contract, every call, every meeting, became life or death. If they didn't sign than it would be the figurative END OF THE WORLD. Of course, I lived. Of course, my family still loved me. Of course, my colleagues still liked me.
After learning everything in Alan’s program I really could appreciate the movie fight club. Outcome independence is demonstrated over and over.
Interprete that how you like, but I take it as the lesson being to let go of everything bringing you worry and lowering your quality life experience. Just let go by accepting good and bad. You don’t control the vast majority of everything around you.
The movie itself might appeal more towards male phsychology. I’m not sure as I am a male.
Interprete that how you like, but I take it as the lesson being to let go of everything bringing you worry and lowering your quality life experience. Just let go by accepting good and bad. You don’t control the vast majority of everything around you.
The movie itself might appeal more towards male phsychology. I’m not sure as I am a male.
Lynn S
Peer Supporter
I realize in evaluating my progress in a little over three months that my body feels like the stakes are high with every decision. Writing about this concept alone brings forth stored anxiety and stress with tears in my eyes. WOW good to know. It's amazing that I've been in the 1% more than once of life and death circumstances over the past three years and handled that better than the simple decisions I have to make today. Today I smile and embrace what's before me. I accept and handle my decisions with ease and grace.
Uncertainty is a big thing for me.
A lot of times I am stuck in my mind obsessing every pro and cons for any decision, and when I take one I am unsure it was the right one.
I really hate that.
And actually internet caused me to be worse, as I would be researching and as you keep researching you'll find pro and cons for everything and start doubting everything.
Sometimes I able to just chose with "my guts" and accept it.
But it's only few times, the rest I am quite stuck in this process.
I am quite pessimistic by nature I guess, so I tend to look at all the possible bad outcomes..
A lot of times I am stuck in my mind obsessing every pro and cons for any decision, and when I take one I am unsure it was the right one.
I really hate that.
And actually internet caused me to be worse, as I would be researching and as you keep researching you'll find pro and cons for everything and start doubting everything.
Sometimes I able to just chose with "my guts" and accept it.
But it's only few times, the rest I am quite stuck in this process.
I am quite pessimistic by nature I guess, so I tend to look at all the possible bad outcomes..
Lynn S
Peer Supporter
Hi jsabina. Don't worry about your pessimistic nature. Instead of looking or thinking about the bad outcomes just look at the good. Remember to be easy on yourself when you have the bad thoughts and keep practicing the good. It comes easier as you practice.
freedomseeker
Peer Supporter
"'I've suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of which never happened.' —Mark Twain
Kevin Barry
Peer Supporter
Thank you all for the discussion. Through some personal work that I have been doing recently there is a place that I have gotten to where I know that everything, no matter what, is going to be okay. I don't just believe, I know which is a place of real peace. However, this is not my default position and I have to work to get back to it on a constant basis. (and being a TMSer you can imagine what some of my default positions are!) But the reality with life is that uncertainty is a given. It is built in. So I always try to remember to embrace it. I heard something a while back that sums up my thoughts on uncertainty and it a cute little allegory for life. It is how when a pride of lions is trying to make a kill, what they do is have the weakest, oldest, lion, the one without any teeth, do all of the roaring. What happens is that whatever they are chasing runs from the old lion that can't do much except maybe gum you to death, and runs right into to the arms of all of the other lions that you definitely don't want to mess with. So the moral of the story is to run to the roar not away from it. Embrace uncertainty and all of the fears that go along with it and know that everything will be okay.
When you say get back to it on a constant basis, what do you do? Are you reading success stories?