New Program Day 10: Somatic Tracking II: Anxiety Strikes Back

[shira]

Thanks so much for the great program and website...Alan, from this daily program, I think I realized something that is important to me...perhaps others...the Sarno books and some others primarily focus on anger as the cause of TMS, particularly anger you are not aware of (the repressed part has been a bit of a tough concept for me)...however, this program and some others (Nicole Sachs comes most to mind) focus on fear as the main culprit...I think I am starting to understand how inter-related anger and fear really are..

...As a child, I created many fears (of the dark, of abandonment, of getting sick, of failure, etc,) as a response to an unstable and unsafe family situation...for me, these fears served to distract me from the family problems and motivate me, but often not in a good way....choosing bad relationships, bad career decisions, pleasing others, not yourself, etc....as I got older, the fear/anxiety morphed into anger as I stewed over family and other long-rooted problems...again the anger served to distract and motivate me to succeed, but at a severe cost to self-awareness and happiness..more bad choices....both fear and anger get your adrenaline going in a big way, which has driven me for decades....I accomplished plenty, but have enjoyed little and it sure has been exhausting, both mentally and physically...of course, I ended up most angry at myself for my bad choices as a result of all this fear/anger...alot of wasted time and energy...

Finally, in my late 40's, TMS pain in several forms kicked in 8-10 years ago when I could no longer kid myself about my underlying issues and my dysfunctional way of operating/coping was no longer working..getting older has made it so much harder for me to bottle up my anger/rage...literally seeping through the body "cracks"...

However, I now understand that the pain is a good thing...it is telling me to stop playing games and finally be truly honest with myself....time for real change and to hopefully live my own life for the first time, not others' expectations....and thanks to you all, I think I see the path clearly....until now I was focused only on my anger...but now I see that the origins of my anger are mostly the irrational fears I created long ago as a child to survive...I am now confident that I can "forgive" myself and move forward to a far better place...

Anyway, sorry to be long-winded, but I would appreciate if the experts would comment regarding the relationship between fear and anger...I have not seen these topics discussed together much in the TMS literature, but may have just missed it...

Again, I can't thank you all enough for this wonderful program and website...truly a life-saver for me...not a particularly religious person, but God bless you all.

Hi again John
you sound like an older person like myself........what can I say ? .....time even late in this life to do some serious repair work especially on the relationship with anger and fear and it's miserable ramifications. sure hope you are not depressed and feel so hopeless like I do !!
well done on writing your story. best wishes . Shirna

 

[BOP]

Ahhh, mindfulness. I'm really embracing letting go of seeing work on myself as something to schedule and plan. I like what mindfulness means. I like - not fear or see as work - the idea of being present in my self care.

I tend to see things as what needs to be conquered, like how I overcame my panic disorder. I'm now amazed I was able to desensitize myself in the way I went about it. This is so much better to watch, explore, notice, and accept. I'm so glad I have an amazing EFT practitioner to work with as she is great at guiding me, and strengthening the listening muscle. Thank you.

 

[Penny2007]

Ahhh, mindfulness. I'm really embracing letting go of seeing work on myself as something to schedule and plan. I like what mindfulness means. I like - not fear or see as work - the idea of being present in my self care.

I tend to see things as what needs to be conquered, like how I overcame my panic disorder. I'm now amazed I was able to desensitize myself in the way I went about it. This is so much better to watch, explore, notice, and accept. I'm so glad I have an amazing EFT practitioner to work with as she is great at guiding me, and strengthening the listening muscle. Thank you.

@BOP I like when you said your therapist helps you strengthen the listening muscle. That's something I'd like to work on. I often try to notice my thoughts and can't remember/figure out what I just thought. Is that skill developed through mindful meditation?

 

[jlteam5]

I seem to have fear of my thoughts. I have sensations that come when I think about them coming back or check in on them. So, in reality I have a fear of my thinking about my sensations since I can be fine until I think about my sensations, (which is VERY often). How do I stop my fear of thinking about it? Anybody, have some good visuals or suggestions for me?

 

[caligirlgonegreen]

There are a couple of great questions here. The first is some confusion around the difference between tracking anxiety sensations and tracking pain sensations. The short answer is: there is no difference.

Here's the long answer. Both pain and anxiety are danger signals, as we learned earlier on in the program. When we are sensing danger, the result in our bodies can be either anxiety or pain. Both anxiety and pain are physical sensations. Pain, of course, feels like...pain. It can burn, ache, throb, stab, etc. Anxiety can feel like lots of different sensations. It can feel like tightness in the chest, butterflies in the stomach, a tension in the shoulders or neck, etc. Whether you're feeling anxiety sensations or TMS pain sensations essentially does not make a difference - they are serving the same purpose. What sensation you feel (burning, throbbing, tightness, tension) doesn't make a difference. Where you feel it in your body doesn't make a difference.

Here's what does make a difference: being able to attend to that sensation without fear. For some people, attending to the physical sensations of their anxiety can be a little easier than attending to the physical sensation of their TMS pain, because there is more inherent fear attached to the TMS pain (namely, because it hurts). Take a listen to Jane's clip again to hear that play out. But the ultimate goal is to be able to attend to all of these sensations in the same way -- objectively noticing and attending to them, without running from them, and without fear.

The second question here is how somatic tracking is different from preoccupying over our symptoms, because we have all learned that preoccupation will perpetuate our symptoms. GREAT question. Preoccupation is a form of fear (i.e., "Is my pain going to get better in the next half hour?" or, "Why is it worse now than it was this morning?!). Somatic tracking is paying attention to these sensations without fear. Somatic tracking is essentially learning to notice these sensations without preoccupying over them at all -- noticing them objectively, confronting them confidently, and knowing that it is safe to do so. So, while preoccupying and somatic tracking may seem similar at first glance...they are actually almost complete opposites.

To take this even a step further, I believe that the pressure we put on ourselves "not to preoccupy" over the symptoms sometimes gets confused with this notion that we must "ignore" our symptoms. I don't know about all of you, but when I was in daily and near constant pain, there was no way that I could ignore that physical sensation. IT HURT! And putting pressure on myself to ignore the sensation only made me feel like I was failing, which scared me ten times over. Pressuring myself to "ignore" the sensation was actually just preoccupation sneaking up on me in a new form, because "trying to ignore" the pain was a full-time (and virtually impossible) job. In my tremendous efforts "not to preoccupy," ALL I WAS DOING WAS PREOCCUPYING!

Teaching myself the technique of objectively noticing the sensation without fear, while telling myself that I knew exactly what that sensation was, and that it was safe and okay to notice it, was a gigantic relief. It takes practice, but I know you guys can do it

You have said this to me a million times in session but I needed to hear it again today. Thank you sweet Christie.

 

[caligirlgonegreen]

Bless you! This is a tough spot for you. I hope others will reply, but I would say if you're feeling anxious about a procedure to just STOP. Don't get pressured into anything. I, too, find that the health care system makes me very anxious. You are not alone at all. Sending some hugs.

Very well said!

Hi Alan, I was just wondering - How long do we do the somatic tracking for when we are in physical or emotional pain? As I relayed yesterday, I did too much without lying down and I immediately experienced low back pain, tension, pressure, stiffness and as if there is a whole in my back accompanied by leg tingling and weakness like my legs will give out from underneath me. I did the somatic tracking and a 45 min. meditation- I think it decreased some, but was still present. So, I just lied down from 3:30 pm yesterday until I got up this morning. The pain and weakness is still there in my back and legs- so I was wondering how many times and for how long do you do the somatic tracking for?
Also, I wanted to share that I just came from seeing a pain management specialist doctor for the first time. I am feeling very sad and depressed. I think the whole appointment lasted maybe 15 minutes and it ended with him saying, "I have to get going, but lets meet again in four weeks and you can tell me if you made up your mind to have the spinal stimulator implanted." During our 15 minutes, I explained that i have had back pain for over 30 years with the last eight very bad to where I cant work due to the pain. I explained after I had a nerve ablation to seven levels of my spine- it made my back pain worse and was in bed for three weeks. He said to me that that didnt make sense as many people walk around with extreme pain, so he doesnt know why I cant and there is no physiological reason for that. I said that I am not saying there is, I am just sharing what I am physically experiencing. - so I felt like crap about myself at this point. I had brought my mom along with me for support. I didnt get but one question answered about the spinal stimulator- so I dont know how I am supposed to make a desicion and return in four weeks without having my questions answered. My mom told me that this is the way our health care system is and I should have told him that I had questions to ask before making a decision and that I should make another appointment and share that with him. I feel extremely intimidated and crappy about myself not to mention scared. I dont know if I want to do a spinal stimulator as the whole idea of another medical procedure puts me into a panic attack. But now I feel like my mom was blaming me for the outcome of the doctor appointment and that I should have been more assertive. However, I feel like I didnt have much time to even think about that because as I was mid sentence with a question, he just said he had to go and to schedule another appointment in four weeks and then he was gone. I feel like crawling in a cave or a dark hole somewhere- feeling very helpless. Thank you for listening and sharing any and all opinions on stimulators and my experience.

I suggest using this 4 weeks to stop all you have been doing and focus on TMS recovery as your only "treatment" at this time. I had similar procedures and experiences with pain management Dr.s
IMO, they cannot help you, they don't know how. It's not their fault. But this can. Have you read Sarno's books? Start there. Work this program or the old one. Set up a session with Alan or Christie. Your Mom means well but she can't help you. Take charge of your own recovery. It's the way I got better. Just my 2 cents. Hang in there, friend.

 

[caligirlgonegreen]

Can anyone please tell me what "attend to yourself" mean?
And what does Allen mean in this sentence?
Thank you all soo much
I think i am the only TMS'er from Turkey here

When I "attend" to myself it looks like this. I go somewhere quiet, place my hand on my heart and breathe. Even if its just for a minute or two. Try it and you may be surprised at what comes up. Greetings from California.

 

[caligirlgonegreen]

My mother gave me the best advice when I feared anything.
She said, "It's going to be okay."
Since working with TMS, I amended it to be a strong positive mantra: "Everything is okay." It often is.

Christie always said to me "either way, it's ok"
I have that on a post it on my bathroom mirror still over a year later!

 

[caligirlgonegreen]

I am loving this journey with you all. Alan, your sense of humor is such a balm in the demonstrations when you say "Great!" when someone manages to pay attention to pain or even have pain. Smiling is definitely part of re-wiring our stubborn minds.

I swear that addiction is a trance and that my pain is part of my addiction to adrenaline. At a chemical level, when I hurt I am likely producing natural endorphins to kill the pain. I think I got addicted to this when I was really young. I remember being about five and sitting in the back seat of my parents car and announcing, "Everything in me feels good right now! Nothing hurts!" (I had a lot of tomboy accidents as a kid and was always getting a bump, bruise or bandaid.)

Your story of the blood phobic must be a common thing at Stanford and other schools! I laughed when I read this: cognitive therapist David Burns, MD has a very similar story but he was in medical school and avoided blood for the first couple of years; entirely! Finally he went to his dean and confessed and the dean assigned him to the ER where his first task was pulling dozens of shards out of a man whose homemade bomb went off in his house. By the end of the bloody day, David was no longer afraid of blood, and after years of practicing psychiatry, he worked with the early cognitive therapists on such techniques as exposure therapy!
We are exposing ourselves to our symptoms instead of running from them.
Fear has a funny acronmyn: F--k Everything And Run. Run from pain, run to get food, run and drink, run for tv, sex, you name it, we run for it. We are so fortunate to have found a community where doctors like Sarno, Schubiner and Schecter and researching and writing about this phenomenon. It's a defense against pain. Fortunate for the therapists who take this up as a calling (Alan!)
So long as I place my pain in this context, and have a direct contact with my ego (which isn't easy, it's mostly unconscious), then I can place my ego into the care of something else: my pre-frontal cortex, my greater Self, my higher power, it doesn't matter so long as the ego is not in charge and deciding how to avoid pain.
This took me years to understand. And it takes even longer to remain humble to how enlightenment is something I do each moment, one moment at a time. I always thought I had to find the cure, the cure that lasted forever. I thought relapse was a shameful thing, which only made matters worse.

A technique I might add to the tracking and curiosity practices, that has helped me enormously when I am not forgetting to use it: pendulation. It's from the early teachings of Peter Levine who developed Somatic Experiencing. Once you feel pain, notice where in your body you feel good or neutral. Then, decide to move the pain from the source of the pain to the place that is neutral - and back again - and back again. After a few 'swings of the pendulum' the pain has subsided. My patients have been known to call it Witchcraft but it's really mindfulness and curiosity and compassion - giving that little kid Alan referenced yesterday - a game to play with the pain. And we know kids love games, including inner kids.

Gosh, had no idea that I had so much to say today. Well, that's what happens when I feel good and on day ten I have to say I am feeling better than in a long, long time. Beginner's Mind: starting over with any program... reboots the system and allows for upgrades!

Thank you.

I adore your posts, thank you!

 

[Aziz]

The pain and weakness is still there in my back and legs- so I was wondering how many times and for how long do you do the somatic tracking for?

I'm not Allan, but I have a few thoughts in response to your post.

First off, that doctor visit sounds pretty miserable. I've had my fair share of those. I'd say be wary of anyone who meets with you for 15 minutes, asks NO questions about your life, emotions, environment, etc. and then recommends a structural approach. They are deeply trapped within the system and there is no help for you there.

I can hear in your question of how to do the somatic tracking, that there is a sense of: "ok, I'll do this technique and the pain will go away."

I know because that's how my mind approaches this too at times. "I've done this for 30 minutes and it's still there, dangit!"

AND, it's this magical paradox, but the key really is to pay attention to the sensations and send ourselves loving energy, and really surrender. Really let go of needing the sensations to be any different at all.

In addition to somatic tracking, have you done some depth journaling?

Have you written out a list of all the stressors in your life?

Have you asked yourself this question, and made a list:
What pressure do I feel?
What pressures do I put on myself?
Who might my Shadow (or Id, or "Inner Child" - whatever you'd like to call it) - be angry with?

Wishing you all the best,
Aziz

 

[James59]

I'm finding somatic tracking to be fairly easy with pains that I'm used to. But it's more difficult when pain pops up in a new place. Specifically, in the last few days a new pain has popped up on my left side. It feels muscular, but it's just unusual enough to make me wonder if it means there's really something wrong or if it's just a new manifestation of TMS. I'm assuming the latter, intellectually, but this little nagging voice says "This might be a real problem" and I get worried.

Which brings me to another question. As new neural pathways are developing, is it normal to randomly vacillate between new, calmer thought patterns and old fearful thought patterns?

 

[shmps]

I'm finding somatic tracking to be fairly easy with pains that I'm used to. But it's more difficult when pain pops up in a new place. Specifically, in the last few days a new pain has popped up on my left side. It feels muscular, but it's just unusual enough to make me wonder if it means there's really something wrong or if it's just a new manifestation of TMS. I'm assuming the latter, intellectually, but this little nagging voice says "This might be a real problem" and I get worried.

Which brings me to another question. As new neural pathways are developing, is it normal to randomly vacillate between new, calmer thought patterns and old fearful thought patterns?

Very good question. I am curious to see what TMS gurus have to say about this. I am also experiencing new symptoms as I am doing the work.

 

[James59]

Very good question. I am curious to see what TMS gurus have to say about this. I am also experiencing new symptoms as I am doing the work.

That's reassuring to know others are having similar experiences.

 

[Alan Gordon LCSW]

I'm finding somatic tracking to be fairly easy with pains that I'm used to. But it's more difficult when pain pops up in a new place. Specifically, in the last few days a new pain has popped up on my left side. It feels muscular, but it's just unusual enough to make me wonder if it means there's really something wrong or if it's just a new manifestation of TMS. I'm assuming the latter, intellectually, but this little nagging voice says "This might be a real problem" and I get worried.

Which brings me to another question. As new neural pathways are developing, is it normal to randomly vacillate between new, calmer thought patterns and old fearful thought patterns?

Hi James,
This is one of the reasons that it can be difficult to focus on your pain free of fear...because sometimes the pain feels scary. In these cases, it can be more helpful to focus on other sensations in your body, while giving yourself messages of safety.

It's very unusual to have a serious injury if you don't even remember injuring it. In these cases, even if there was a mild muscle strain of some sort, the pain still isn't "dangerous." Minor muscle strains heal relatively quickly. I've found that this is one of those situations where cognitive soothing can help. "Either it's psychogenic, or it's some sort of mild muscle strain. Either way, it's going to be okay." And then go about your day.

 

[shira]

Hi James,
This is one of the reasons that it can be difficult to focus on your pain free of fear...because sometimes the pain feels scary. In these cases, it can be more helpful to focus on other sensations in your body, while giving yourself messages of safety.

It's very unusual to have a serious injury if you don't even remember injuring it. In these cases, even if there was a mild muscle strain of some sort, the pain still isn't "dangerous." Minor muscle strains heal relatively quickly. I've found that this is one of those situations where cognitive soothing can help. "Either it's psychogenic, or it's some sort of mild muscle strain. Either way, it's going to be okay." And then go about your day.

 

[shira]

Alan,
thanks for your helpful response to James' recent post. I'm working on breaking the fear cycle by giving myself messages of safety, despite old worries and fears that pop up frequently, as the pain continues day after day. I realise that it takes persistence and perseverance to stick with the program, so all encouragement and support from you is so valued and appreciated. Shira.

 

[Benjuwa]

woaw that was an amazing "reply"!!
Soo helpful and mind opening for me thank you so much!
I am not going to ask you if you are totally pain free now

Thank you this make a lot of sense, I have reduced my anxiety a lot over the last 4 weeks the pain is still hanging on and gets worse sometimes. Will keep at it to stop my fear. Thanks again.

 

[Shells]

Two things:

1.

"TMS arises in those with a strong mindbody connection. Not everyone can generate such powerful physical sensations with their brain."

What a totally cool and positive spin. I have this great skill that I haven't been using in a great way. But I can change that. It's actually quite a remarkable gift.

........

Thanks for the awesome explanations Alan. This program rocks.

Omg! Thank you Plum... this IS a cool spin

 

[shira]

Thank you this make a lot of sense, I have reduced my anxiety a lot over the last 4 weeks the pain is still hanging on and gets worse sometimes. Will keep at it to stop my fear. Thanks again.

Alan,
thanks for your helpful response to James' recent post. I'm working on breaking the fear cycle by giving myself messages of safety, despite old worries and fears that pop up frequently, as the pain continues day after day. I realise that it takes persistence and perseverance to stick with the program, so all encouragement and support from you is so valued and appreciated. Shira.

Omg! Thank you Plum... this IS a cool spin

 

[shira]

hey. thank you Shells and Plum. I am in total agreement.
best wishes and keep up the good work......