Conflict Makes Me Anxious

[Susan1111]

For the first time on my journey with TMS I was able to make a direct correlation between an event and a pain. It is obvious to me when an inappropriate tone of voice is used that I become anxious/uneasy but this morning I was able to also see that even a mild snafu that needed to be addressed made my body feel uneasy... I could actually feel my heart quicken and yes another pain in my shoulder. Standing up for myself is without doubt an issue for me. I wanted to make extra sure that my E-mail was clear and not aggressive. I see that I take extra care in making sure I'm understood.

When I got the pain, I sat down started to breathe and become mindful of my breath. I then journaled about the experience and went to do my workout.
Within the hour the small conflict was resolved in my favor as my point was understood. Not only was what I was asking understood but this woman felt so badly that she might have created a conflict. Her mail to me was so lovely. This situation was so so mild and yet it made me anxious!

Perhaps I need to thank TMS for showing me more about me!

I have more work to do. Any advice will be graciously accepted.

 

[David88]

Perhaps I need to thank TMS for showing me more about me!

It doesn't sound like you need much advice. That's exactly how to treat TMS -- as a message from your unconscious that something needs attending to. Thanks for a great success story!

 

[Susan1111]

It doesn't sound like you need much advice. That's exactly how to treat TMS -- as a message from your unconscious that something needs attending to. Thanks for a great success story!

David thank you for your encouraging words. TMS is unlike anything I've ever experienced.....

 

[David88]

Ain't that the truth!

I've become cautious about telling my TMS story. People who haven't been through it usually don't get it.

 

[Anne Walker]

Susan, that is just great! You will learn so much about yourself in this process. And as you create new habits for how you respond to situations, it gets easier. Sometimes we have an anxious reaction to a potential conflict because we are projecting a negative outcome. It is such a nice and reassuring surprise when we discover that many people want good communication and to get along peacefully as much as we do! I work with the elderly and sometimes they are angry over their circumstances and I used to take this very personally and it caused a lot of stress. Sometimes they are directly accusatory and blaming when miscommunications or things inadvertently do not go quite right. My internal bully had a field day when this would happen. Then I started to put things in perspective. I do a really good job and I care. As long as I am doing my best to be clear, non-defensive and understanding, I can feel okay about the interaction and let the rest go. I can't take responsibility and take it out on myself for how other people react to situations. It was really hard at first. But now I am doing so much better with it. Conflict comes with the territory. Miscommunications and conflicts come with just about every working relationship we have. We just need to be confident in our intentions and to do our best. Most of the time, people will respond appropriately and things will work out well in the end. And in those rare instances when that doesn't happen, we can fall back on the knowledge that we tried our best and that is good enough.

 

[Susan1111]

Susan, that is just great! You will learn so much about yourself in this process. And as you create new habits for how you respond to situations, it gets easier. Sometimes we have an anxious reaction to a potential conflict because we are projecting a negative outcome. It is such a nice and reassuring surprise when we discover that many people want good communication and to get along peacefully as much as we do! I work with the elderly and sometimes they are angry over their circumstances and I used to take this very personally and it caused a lot of stress. Sometimes they are directly accusatory and blaming when miscommunications or things inadvertently do not go quite right. My internal bully had a field day when this would happen. Then I started to put things in perspective. I do a really good job and I care. As long as I am doing me best to be clear, non-defensive and understanding, I can feel okay about the interaction and let the rest go. I can't take responsibility and take it out on myself for how other people react to situations. It was really hard at first. But now I am doing so much better with it. Conflict comes with the territory. Miscommunications and conflicts come with just about every working relationship we have. We just need to be confident in our intentions and to do our best. Most of the time, people will respond appropriately and things will work out well in the end. And in those rare instances when that doesn't happen, we can fall back on the knowledge that we tried our best and that is good enough.

Anne thank you for taking the time you do to share in such warm and caring way. The Universe works in strange ways as I needed to your reply this morning.
The 'inner bully' is a new concept for me. I understand ' inner child' as the young me. Is the inner bully the one who is always telling me it's my fault I did something wrong when in fact the adult me knows it wasn't and yet is struggling to be secure in that knowledge?
Thank you again.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Susan, you are well on your way to healing from your symptoms because you have such a wonderful understanding of what causes them... TMS emotions. You handled that "snafu" just right... responding to the gruff voice that made you angry... deep breathing and journaling about it.
My book publisher boss emailed me last week complaining about my work for him (he should have been thanking me!). It upset me so I had a bad gas attack, but I got over it by doing some deep breathing, TMS thinking and realized he has his own TMS pains and frustrations. He email me shortly afterward apologizing and saying he is under a lot of stress and was taking it out on me. Okay, thanks, I thought. But you are always doing that and you are, as they say, basically, an a--hole. I also laughed my anger away.

 

[Susan1111]

Susan, you are well on your way to healing from your symptoms because you have such a wonderful understanding of what causes them... TMS emotions. You handled that "snafu" just right... responding to the gruff voice that made you angry... deep breathing and journaling about it.
My book publisher boss emailed me last week complaining about my work for him (he should have been thanking me!). It upset me so I had a bad gas attack, but I got over it by doing some deep breathing, TMS thinking and realized he has his own TMS pains and frustrations. He email me shortly afterward apologizing and saying he is under a lot of stress and was taking it out on me. Okay, thanks, I thought. But you are always doing that and you are, as they say, basically, an a--hole. I also laughed my anger away.

Thank you Walt for the encouragement. I do believe I am catching on...how bizarre this journey into me is. Glad your situation worked out quickly and in your favor.

 

[Anne Walker]

Hi Susan. I could explain my idea of the internal bully but the very best explanation is from Alan Gordon himself in his TMS recovery program. Forest has a whole subsection for discussion of this program and you can access the program by clicking on "Click read the TMS Recovery Program" tab which is at the very top of the Alan Gordon discussion forum when you first go into it. If you look at the bottom of this post, I copied and pasted what the tab looks like so you have an easier time finding it. It is in small print but at the top of the page. The recovery program is EXCELLENT. It has everything you need and is very short and easy to read. Take a look and let me know what you think.

Alan Gordon TMS Recovery Program
This special subforum is for any discussion related to the the Alan Gordon Recovery Program. Click read the TMS Recovery Program.

 

[Susan1111]

Thank you for the link Anne.....I will spend time reading it this coming week.
Enjoy your Sunday!

 

[Susan1111]

Anne I've started reading this program and the format resonates with me. A structured program is too rigid for me. I can see myself in many of the topics he covers. Thank you again.