Saoirse
Peer Supporter
I read something today and it really hit a chord in me and I decided to write about it in my daily Journal.
It brought up such anger and frustration with my Mammy who is dead over three years , I knew I was angry then when it happened 4-5 years ago but not so much and not still and so much intense rage and unfairness it shook me and nade me feel like weeping for the sadness and for not knowing about my real feeling for the topic earlier than I did.So my Mum laid a lot of stuff on my very early and no boundaries ,she had none and I struggle to know how to create any. My Mum told us she gave up her life for us and if she had never had us she would be off having a life. Indeed she repetitively told me that having a baby would ruin my life, and that men would just loose interest in you. She told me from an early age I did not want kids and how disappointed in me she would be if I ever got caught.My husband used to laugh and call my Mam Svengali because he had never seen anyone in another persons controol like we as kids were even in our 30,40 and 50,s and the nned to please her and keep her happy was our daily priority from an early age ;it was easier that was. She hated men and thought they were all the same the root of all evil and from her point of view maybe they were .I thought these were my own thoughts and decided at 15 I was not having kids and I was vehement that I could not stand them yet I adored my nieces and nephew.At 16 I was set to join the Nun's called " The Poor Claire's "a silent order who were established by a woman who followed St Francis of Assisi; very important as he is the patron saint of animals-I am Dog mad.
My Mam was delighted so proud, and she came with me for the interview but it all went pear shaped when they said I could not bring my Dog !!! for me that was a no sale and I walked out -I thank God now as I am happily with my love since I was 18. All the constant telling of children-life ruined , Children -loose your life I just believed it like the sky is blue I could not see the narrative of my mother and even after I married my childhood sweetheart I had said no kids!!!. My husband had a heart attack at 38 -he's fine thank God but It made me realize GOD I WANTED his kid ,our kid and it was like a veil being pulled back . I could see that I always wanted them just stuffed it away to please my Mam. Unfortunately at 40 time was against me but more importantly my medication was so serious I could not just come off it and when I tried the pain was so bad they said I would not get through carrying a child .I was like let just do it but by then I was unable to as time had marched on. It is the only true regret of my entire life and I am still angry and so annoyed that she would do that and theses feeling are for a Mam I did love who is now dead. To Love and care for someone while being so affected negatively by them and having been through so much because of them is an emotional battle going on inside your heart. You know the facts and how it makes you feel but you feel guilty cause its your Mam.It has effected me so much and my husband and it was not even my choice. But life goes on on but my logic is squared with it but not so much my unconscious mind it seems.I have to forgive deep down.
It brought up such anger and frustration with my Mammy who is dead over three years , I knew I was angry then when it happened 4-5 years ago but not so much and not still and so much intense rage and unfairness it shook me and nade me feel like weeping for the sadness and for not knowing about my real feeling for the topic earlier than I did.So my Mum laid a lot of stuff on my very early and no boundaries ,she had none and I struggle to know how to create any. My Mum told us she gave up her life for us and if she had never had us she would be off having a life. Indeed she repetitively told me that having a baby would ruin my life, and that men would just loose interest in you. She told me from an early age I did not want kids and how disappointed in me she would be if I ever got caught.My husband used to laugh and call my Mam Svengali because he had never seen anyone in another persons controol like we as kids were even in our 30,40 and 50,s and the nned to please her and keep her happy was our daily priority from an early age ;it was easier that was. She hated men and thought they were all the same the root of all evil and from her point of view maybe they were .I thought these were my own thoughts and decided at 15 I was not having kids and I was vehement that I could not stand them yet I adored my nieces and nephew.At 16 I was set to join the Nun's called " The Poor Claire's "a silent order who were established by a woman who followed St Francis of Assisi; very important as he is the patron saint of animals-I am Dog mad.
My Mam was delighted so proud, and she came with me for the interview but it all went pear shaped when they said I could not bring my Dog !!! for me that was a no sale and I walked out -I thank God now as I am happily with my love since I was 18. All the constant telling of children-life ruined , Children -loose your life I just believed it like the sky is blue I could not see the narrative of my mother and even after I married my childhood sweetheart I had said no kids!!!. My husband had a heart attack at 38 -he's fine thank God but It made me realize GOD I WANTED his kid ,our kid and it was like a veil being pulled back . I could see that I always wanted them just stuffed it away to please my Mam. Unfortunately at 40 time was against me but more importantly my medication was so serious I could not just come off it and when I tried the pain was so bad they said I would not get through carrying a child .I was like let just do it but by then I was unable to as time had marched on. It is the only true regret of my entire life and I am still angry and so annoyed that she would do that and theses feeling are for a Mam I did love who is now dead. To Love and care for someone while being so affected negatively by them and having been through so much because of them is an emotional battle going on inside your heart. You know the facts and how it makes you feel but you feel guilty cause its your Mam.It has effected me so much and my husband and it was not even my choice. But life goes on on but my logic is squared with it but not so much my unconscious mind it seems.I have to forgive deep down.
