Being vulnerable about anxiety after a full "recovery"

[nora97]

Hi everyone! It's been a while here since I've posted. I've been really busy building Nervana, which many of you on this forum inspired (thank you again). But honestly, it's been really, really hard, from a personal symptom point of view. As many of you know from my initial story, I, like many of you, have had whack-a-mole symptoms for a long time, and recovered using mind-body approaches first from a clinical trial for chronic back pain. Even though I view myself as "recovered", we all know it's a bit of a lifelong journey. It was only recently, around the time of my wedding, that I was having GI flare ups again.

I've honestly been a bit shy to post on here or ask for community support, because building a company in this space to try and promote TMS/MBS/neuroplastic treatments means you sometimes have to come across like you're miraculously recovered with zero set backs. But what I've realized is, while my awareness of physical symptoms related to my stress is high, I still desire getting rid of the symptoms in the first place. Like I shouldn't have symptoms anymore, when I am building an entire career around this.

Recently, I've been having good-old-classic anxiety. No manifestation of symptoms. No bloating, or acne, or insomnia, or pain. Just anxiety - tightness in my chest, ruminating thoughts. And while I'm equipped with all the tools I need, I feel this inherent laziness deep down, where I don't want to do the work. Like I shouldn't have to, after all these years of being "recovered" and especially when trying to help others.

I'm sure a lot of clinicians feels this way, where they feel they have to be perfect in order to help their clients or patients. I'm not sure if there are any clinicians on this thread, but I'd love some advice on how to address that imposter syndrome. And how to actually get yourself to do the work when you know it helps. Like, when's the last time I actually journaled? That was a tool that helped me for so long, and recently it's slipped away. I'm also curious if working on helping others in this space has also caused some anxiety or flare-ups for others...?

 

[Ellen]

Even though I view myself as "recovered", we all know it's a bit of a lifelong journey.

Hi Nora,

I think the line above is the important concept to focus on. For the vast majority of TMSers, it is a lifelong challenge. I contemplated becoming a TMS clinician, but decided to retire instead. However, as you know, I've chronicled my own recovery story here and have remained a frequent poster since my initial recovery over 10 years ago. I've debated sharing my own struggles with relapses on the Forum, because I was afraid it would discourage others who were seeking their first recovery experience. I decided that honesty and authenticity is the best way to build trust. I learned this when I was a clinician, and still believe it to be true. People need to know that TMS is a lifelong struggle and that you in fact still struggle from time to time. The experience of having relapses requires us to use the tools ourselves that we advocate that others use. This reinforces our belief in their efficacy and helps us refine the advice we provide to others. I learn more from every relapse and subsequent recovery and it has helped me to continue in my knowledge and reinforce my belief in MindBody approaches.

So see this current relapse as an opportunity to use all the wonderful tools available to us. One thing I can say for sure is that with every relapse, my recovery happens much faster. The important thing is to take the first step.

Wishing you a speedy recovery......

 

[Cactusflower]

Hey Nora!
If you don't feel driven to do the work, perhaps start reading bits and pieces of Dr. Claire Weekes Help and Hope For Your Nerves. So many tidbits and gold nuggets and so helpful for anxiety. Perhaps notice if you don't like the physical feelings of anxiety and tend to want to "push" it away ... It took me time to learn that when I have those thoughts, that I need to accept the sensations as well. That seems to help them pass.
My TMS coach is very up front about her return visits of TMS symptoms and writes about them in her blogs. I think her direct honesty was one of the reasons why I connected with her, and it helped me realize that the success is not the lack of symptoms...the success is the lack of suffering. I still have symptoms but do not suffer. I've even had some serious health concerns lately, and I don't suffer with them but use my TMS skills to deal with both the emotions and the decisions - in real time. I don't employ "the work" as "the work" (eg. daily schedule) anymore but I'll journal, meditate or read TMS books if I want to. I also email my PT who has noticed that as soon as I email him simply by saying I'm having a flare, I begin to get back on track. In return a few days later he will message me and remind me to carry on as best as I can, lean into feelings and notice how much better I am feeling every day. It works!
So perhaps you don't need to always do the old "work" you used to do if you don't want to. Maybe re-focus on allowing or remembering the wins and just see where that lands.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I still desire getting rid of the symptoms in the first place. Like I shouldn't have symptoms anymore, when I am building an entire career around this.

I know what you mean (and I've felt the same way at times) but personally I've never got too far with that and it has only led to frustration. I like to look at it as my symptom has just replaced me getting a headache when it comes to stress. Can we avoid getting stress headaches? Maybe, but it happens. I get a headache in my pelvis now from stress (on occasion) instead of an actual headache - would I rather a normal headache? Perhaps just because of the chronic history I have with my pelvis, but it is what it is. The answer is always in the stress/emotions, and like you said that's a lifelong journey. I also see the symptoms as helpful (which granted is easier to do given they are low now), as there's clearly things I am avoiding or emotions I am not tending to (or I'm putting too much pressure on myself). I would be shirking responsibility if I started to blame the symptoms (don't shoot the messenger).

You're recovered to me because you know what is happening, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt there's nothing wrong structurally, and you are able to confidently link the symptoms to your emotional world. That's what recovery is and that's what gets rid of chronic symptoms to me. Acute symptoms are part of life.

Side note - sometimes I do take on the symptoms of the clients I work with briefly - whilst it makes sense it's still mind-blowing.

because building a company in this space to try and promote TMS/MBS/neuroplastic treatments means you sometimes have to come across like you're miraculously recovered with zero set backs.

I think it's the TMS way when it comes to perfectionism. Like @Cactusflower said, I've never got a negative reaction from a client when I've shared the fact that at the time I may have had an uptick in symptoms. The thing is too, the people you help would bite your arm off for only having one flare that lasts 2 days out of a whole year (using my example) - it's no different really to getting sick from a cold (we accept that for the most part). That is normal life and you have your life back when you reach that level. Ironically, the quest to be perfect symptom wise I think is counter productive as that's the opposite of being indifferent (which is a massive part of recovery) - my view is that the less I care and the more I focus emotionally the better chance I am of getting rid of the extra percentage points - say I view myself as 97% better to get to 100% - is that even possible? Maybe/maybe not, but I know the less I care about making it happen the better chance of it being a reality. That said, I am 100% recovered from chronic symptoms (as are you) and that's arguably more important

 

[Cactusflower]

said, I've never got a negative reaction from a client when I've shared the fact that at the time I may have had an uptick in symptoms.

That's the difference between a bot, AI and a human being! Thank-goodness you are a human being @Adam Coloretti (coach) (and @nora97 )

 

[BloodMoon]

And how to actually get yourself to do the work when you know it helps. Like, when's the last time I actually journaled? That was a tool that helped me for so long, and recently it's slipped away.

What works for me is to ‘think small’ and remind myself that doing a little is better than doing nothing at all—and it adds up over time. If, for instance, you used to sit down and journal for 30 minutes a day, scale it right down. Just jot one sentence on a piece of scrap paper.

Even if part of you doesn’t feel like doing it, that’s okay—you’re just keeping the habit alive. Once you’ve started, you might feel like doing more, but if you don’t, that’s fine too. The motto is: “every little helps”.

I also find it helps to tag it onto something you already do regularly. For example, if you have a morning coffee, keep some paper nearby and scribble down a sentence—or even just a few words—about how you’re feeling.

It keeps things ticking over—like a restored classic car sitting in a garage. Better to start it up and move it back and forth occasionally to prevent it from seizing up than to leave it unused for months.

I’ve found self-soothing has helped with my recovery, but I let that slip recently, so I reminded myself to come back to this approach and felt good for doing it.

Btw, I’m not a coach and I don’t consider myself fully recovered, but I’ve gone from being bedridden and housebound to functioning pretty normally, which still surprises me sometimes.

 

[BloodMoon]

I like to look at it as my symptom has just replaced me getting a headache when it comes to stress. Can we avoid getting stress headaches? Maybe, but it happens. I get a headache in my pelvis now from stress (on occasion) instead of an actual headache

I love this! What a great way to look at it and it's so relatable for explaining how it is to other people!

 

[nora97]

Hey Nora!
If you don't feel driven to do the work, perhaps start reading bits and pieces of Dr. Claire Weekes Help and Hope For Your Nerves. So many tidbits and gold nuggets and so helpful for anxiety. Perhaps notice if you don't like the physical feelings of anxiety and tend to want to "push" it away ... It took me time to learn that when I have those thoughts, that I need to accept the sensations as well. That seems to help them pass.
My TMS coach is very up front about her return visits of TMS symptoms and writes about them in her blogs. I think her direct honesty was one of the reasons why I connected with her, and it helped me realize that the success is not the lack of symptoms...the success is the lack of suffering. I still have symptoms but do not suffer. I've even had some serious health concerns lately, and I don't suffer with them but use my TMS skills to deal with both the emotions and the decisions - in real time. I don't employ "the work" as "the work" (eg. daily schedule) anymore but I'll journal, meditate or read TMS books if I want to. I also email my PT who has noticed that as soon as I email him simply by saying I'm having a flare, I begin to get back on track. In return a few days later he will message me and remind me to carry on as best as I can, lean into feelings and notice how much better I am feeling every day. It works!
So perhaps you don't need to always do the old "work" you used to do if you don't want to. Maybe re-focus on allowing or remembering the wins and just see where that lands.

Thank you, this is helpful! It's helpful to just call it like it is: I don't feel driven to do the work right now, but the "work" can change as time goes on.

 

[nora97]

I know what you mean (and I've felt the same way at times) but personally I've never got too far with that and it has only led to frustration. I like to look at it as my symptom has just replaced me getting a headache when it comes to stress. Can we avoid getting stress headaches? Maybe, but it happens. I get a headache in my pelvis now from stress (on occasion) instead of an actual headache - would I rather a normal headache? Perhaps just because of the chronic history I have with my pelvis, but it is what it is. The answer is always in the stress/emotions, and like you said that's a lifelong journey. I also see the symptoms as helpful (which granted is easier to do given they are low now), as there's clearly things I am avoiding or emotions I am not tending to (or I'm putting too much pressure on myself). I would be shirking responsibility if I started to blame the symptoms (don't shoot the messenger).

You're recovered to me because you know what is happening, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt there's nothing wrong structurally, and you are able to confidently link the symptoms to your emotional world. That's what recovery is and that's what gets rid of chronic symptoms to me. Acute symptoms are part of life.

Side note - sometimes I do take on the symptoms of the clients I work with briefly - whilst it makes sense it's still mind-blowing.



I think it's the TMS way when it comes to perfectionism. Like @Cactusflower said, I've never got a negative reaction from a client when I've shared the fact that at the time I may have had an uptick in symptoms. The thing is too, the people you help would bite your arm off for only having one flare that lasts 2 days out of a whole year (using my example) - it's no different really to getting sick from a cold (we accept that for the most part). That is normal life and you have your life back when you reach that level. Ironically, the quest to be perfect symptom wise I think is counter productive as that's the opposite of being indifferent (which is a massive part of recovery) - my view is that the less I care and the more I focus emotionally the better chance I am of getting rid of the extra percentage points - say I view myself as 97% better to get to 100% - is that even possible? Maybe/maybe not, but I know the less I care about making it happen the better chance of it being a reality. That said, I am 100% recovered from chronic symptoms (as are you) and that's arguably more important

Thank you! This is really helpful - I can be fully recovered, and still have upticks, like the common cold. That's a really nice framing.

 

[Mani]

Even if part of you doesn’t feel like doing it, that’s okay—you’re just keeping the habit alive. Once you’ve started, you might feel like doing more, but if you don’t, that’s fine too. The motto is: “every little helps”.

I have also been way too black and white with these things. Journalspeak was 20 minutes and if i wrote for 15 minutes, it felt like i might as well not have written at all. Thats tms perfectionism and should be dealt with