Thank you for the thoughts and insight! When the emotions are strong enough, they do become physically identifiable - the knot in my throat and sinking chest of sadness, the clenched/tight jaw of anger. I guess I just have to recognize that this is hard in the beginning and I'll keep at it.
It's not a safe place for your protective TMS brain mechanism, so it's going to fight against it.
I do believe my mind and body has gotten so
skilled at removing uncomfortable emotions from my consciousness so swiftly that when I try to slow it down and pay attention, and feel those things, I am still in the phase where it seems dangerous. I'm hoping I can work past that in time.
I recently just read something about people who have a tendency to repress or suppress their emotions do not have any strong emotions when significant or intense events happen in their lives, but they can sometimes show disproportionately strong emotions to minute, everyday annoyances. I related with that. I'm not sure if it's because your brain doesn't perceive expressing emotions in those instances as dangerous and so you feel things 'unbuffered'. I thought it was interesting.
An increase in anxiety, or perhaps a greater awareness of anxiety, panic, depression are common TMS symptoms reported after starting this work.
...
I have absolutely noticed my anxiety more. Not even in a way that bothers me very much, I've grown so used to it, it's just always
there. I notice my heart is always beating a little bit faster and a little bit louder than it probably would if I was truly calm. I notice the general restlessness I carry with me each day. I guess that's step one - to become more aware of your actual emotional state.
That open doors in my mind to reduce the idea that feeling emotions was critical, now.
I've been ruminating on this idea. No matter what, I've decided I'm going to continue the emotional work because I think it will improve my overall relationship with myself, my thoughts, my emotions, and of course with others. I've already been able to speak with a family member about one of the more traumatizing events in my past when, just days prior, I struggled to even let myself write about it. That showed me how powerful confronting painful memories, thoughts, and emotions can be. I've learned a lot already and I think this is the part of TMS work that can have the ability to even make me grateful for my pain one day (dare I say it), because I never would've even begun to do this work without it.
The pain, most days, is minimal now. Some days it comes back with a bit of a vengeance, but I've noticed my biggest battles as of late have been of new symptoms cropping up that steal days or weeks from me and fill them with anxiety. I truly believe I'm on my way out. It only happened maybe within the last few weeks that I thought about it all and finally could say, with 100% certainty, that I believe this to be TMS. And that felt like a hill I was never going to climb for a while, so I'm finally feeling more confident in the process, and that feels good.
And if I haven't said it enough before - this community has been a god-send and I'm very thankful for all of the guidance, comfort, and advice. I've taken it ALL to heart.
