5 months here: where I am now

Diana-M

Diana-M

Beloved Grand Eagle
My Update after 5 months here on the wiki.

What a profoundly amazing experience! Deepest thanks to everyone here helping me!

SYMPTOMS
  • My physical symptoms have ebbed slightly. Some symptoms have disappeared (I had about 15 coming in.) The ones I have left don’t scare me anymore.
LIFE ADJUSTMENTS
  • I have put people out of my life who caused me to suffer. This was hard!
  • I have Lowered all expectations on myself.
  • Hope. I came in with none. Most days, now, I’m downright excited to be alive.
  • Soothing. Meditating. Trying to stay in the moment.
  • Less fear: through positive affirmations I have gone from abject terror to feeling I’m safe.
  • Discovered a bunch of things about myself through journaling.
  • Feeling emotions in my body. When I came in, I was clueless.
  • Made some adjustments financially to support putting less pressure on myself.
  • Play way more! Games, books, artwork, music, movies.
WHAT HAS HELPED THE MOST
  • Time each day here on the forum***Biggest help!
  • Claire Weekes, Hope and Help for Your Nerves
  • Journaling almost daily
  • Alan Gordon, The Way Out
  • Meditating
  • The Pain Recovery Program, here on the wiki
  • John Sarno, Healing Back Pain
 
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Love it! and I like this update.

I resonate with your bullet of learning to feel emotions. Before discovering TMS, I'd bottle everything up, even though I was convinced I wasn't? Crazy how our mind tries to convince us otherwise. Learning this has been extremely profound in my life.
 
Diana-M said:
@HealingMe
Are you back? Weren’t you going to take a break? How are you doing now?
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I was taking a break! I still sort of am? but I'm doing MUCH better.

I've had a lot to digest the last month? Difficult to put into words. Looking back (last couple of weeks) I was going through some type of an extinction burst? My old chronic pain symptoms were showing up when I started to challenge my anxiety/OCD AKA more mental stuff. Honestly I made NO connection between TMS and OCD until I learned OCD is basically anxiety on drugs. It's like my brain was like, "well this pain stuff doesn't work on her anymore, let's amp up her OCD, anxiety, and mental baggage." And it's true! I no longer fear my pain symptoms. I honestly was begging for some back pain or foot pain to avoid the mental stuff, but I realized the only way out was going through it and feeling all of it.

I decided to look into doing ERP through therapy - everything just clicked in me - I realized I was engaging in avoidance behaviour based off my obsessions, and engaging in reassurance seeking and doing mental compulsions - which has fueled my OCD for years which = more anxiety. I literally realized I've had obsessions since I was a child - it's insane how much you realize when doing this work - like the weird choking events I had as a child I now suspect kickstarted my health anxiety obsessions.

I feel like so many things clicked in me in the past month. I feel good though, like it all makes sense in my brain. It's just about undoing literally years and years of habits.

Thanks for asking! I truly really just enjoy this community. Sometimes I need a break to focus so I step away; I just listen to my body/mind. It is what it is.
 
HealingMe said:
It's like my brain was like, "well this pain stuff doesn't work on her anymore, let's amp up her OCD, anxiety, and mental baggage.
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So glad to hear you’re feeling better! What great progress! TMS brains: so tricky!!! It’s also good you realize when you need a break.
HealingMe said:
it's insane how much you realize when doing this work
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Isn’t that true?! At first you think, I won’t learn a thing. I’ve been doing this so long. And then you realize how little you knew!

HealingMe said:
I feel like so many things clicked in me in the past month.
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This is the BEST news! I’m so happy for you!
 
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