Desperate

It's 1.15am and I sitting up wrapped in a blanket in the worst pain of my life. I've been battling this shit for so long I'm seriously thinking of killing myself. I've almost written my success story so many times only to be dragged down again. Something always seems to happen in my life to start it all up again. I used to be on the forum all the time but I gave up on TMS healing after 12 years of being on the roller coaster improvement followed by setbacks. Basically I can't finish the job.
My main TMS symptoms have always been migraine and neck and shoulder pain and spasms. I now have insomnia anxiety and depression and THE MOST CRIPPLING EXCRUCIATING lower back and leg pain. I can't lie down to try to sleep. I'm terrified of losing my husband and my job. I've had very bad experiences with doctors so no help there. I was polydrugged to within an inch of my life by a neurologist and suffered terrible side effects and protracted withdrawals. To make matters worse I'm perimopausal which is making my TMS way worse.
Looking back I've had TMS off and on my whole life. It's just gotten worse as I've aged (I'm 52). I'm MD of loss making company my mum's dying from Alzheimers and I've nothing to live for. I'm terrified depressed anxious and in constant agony. I'm trapped in a negative spiral I can't break. I'm in the UK so no access to a TMS therapist. I've tried two regular therapists, but it didn't help. It'seems very expensive anyway and I don't have the money. My poor husband tries his best to be supportive, but I just feel guilty for ruining his life. I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm in a very dark place and can't see any point in living. I forgot to mention that I'm being tested for ovarian cancer as well. I live life in constant fear.

 

Oh my darling, you are in a sorry state however I have to tell you that in the darkest hours of my despair I could have written a post just like this. I'm not totally out of the woods and sometimes depression and hopelessness wrap around me like a shroud and I am in the darkness as you are now. Mercifully these episodes are ever-diminishing not only in their appearances but in their intensity.

When you are in the great maw it feels impossible to get out and get passed this but you can.

The truth is our lives contain many tragic elements and we do suffer for them. God alone knows mine has pushed me to endless indulgences in suicidal ideation but I know, I absolutely know that I will never take my life because life is the most precious and beautiful thing. Even though it may feel wretched. Even though it may feel awful and hopeless. There is hope and there is healing.

I'm not going to pretend I have a magic answer for you. It's been bloody tough for me to get to this point and many times I never thought I'd make it but I have. You will too. For now I believe it is enough for you to be with your friends here so that we may comfort and love you through this rough patch. Then we'll help you figure this out.

With a big warm hug and much assurance that you can prevail.

Plum x

 

Hi Mermaid

Sorry to hear you're in such a dark place. I have come close to making a similar post many times over the last year. I too have struggled with recovery over the last couple of years. I have kept away from forums for a long time. I still live in constant pain - Myofascial Pain Syndome, TMJ, etc., etc. I remember reading a post from you a couple of years ago where you were in a much brighter, happier place. You gave me some advice on coming off Gabapentin. Needless to say, I have never been able to come off this drug. I have come to the conclusion that I am now conditioned to fail at every attempt.

Your fear has returned, as does mine many times. I expect pain, so I receive it. When I try to work on it, it gets stronger. I want to recover, but think I lost hope a while back. Fear constantly regurgitates in my thoughts. It feeds the pain, and the pain consumes it, hungrily smacking it's lips and licking it's fingers.

I think we must work on our fear. Sorry I have no better advice - I hope you get some good news about your health.

 

@Mermaid - On a practical note - Georgie Oldfield is based in the UK, she's a TMS therapist and has an organisation called SIRPA that is based on TMS healing (I think she met Sarno years ago)
You can find therapists here: http://www.sirpauk.com/find-a-practitioner/
I scheduled a consultation over the phone with her which helped me quite a lot on it's own, as she was so convinced I had TMS and was very understanding and supportive.

I'm sorry you feel so helpless, I've been there. I'm still not 100% healed either, actually I'm nowhere near and migraines are one of my symptoms. I know how hard it is.

But when I found this forum, YOUR POSTS were some of the most relatable and helpful for me. So you better hang in there for yourself, your husband, your family, friends but also for people like me who are with you on your journey. One day learning from you, the next supporting you. Funny how life works.

And as Plum said, life is so precious. Her words are so comforting aren't they? I hope you found some peace and reassurance reading her reply, and I look forward to reading your reply when you're out the other side of this which I know you will be.

I am also based in the UK, in London. Feel free to message me, we could talk on the phone if it would help you? x

 

Is it possible Mermaid gets very near "a cure" and then now experienced a symptom imperative such as lower back and leg pain ? Sounds like she was hit by a tidal wave of symptoms....to include severe anxiety fueled by fear compounded by being depressed & insomnia. Or as she comes close to getting better the anxiety the mind is protecting you from surfaces with more symptoms ? Hope a grand eagle can chime in and maybe give an opinion ?

 

Give Georgie Oldfield at SIRPA a call, seeing a non-TMS therapist for TMS is a waste of time and money, TMS therapists don't charge any more then others, and aren't looking to make you out to be a life-time customer. A few sessions should be all it takes to help you back onto the TMS path.

Georgina Oldfield, MCSP (Physiotherapist)

Georgie Oldfield is a physiotherapist based in the UK. She is the founder of SIRPA (The Stress Illness Recovery Practitioners Association), an organization dedicated to educating and training practitioners and other professionals in TMS treatment. Georgie is the organizer of SIRPA's inaugural conference, “Chronic Pain: to suppress, manage, or cure?”.

Georgie is the author of the 2014 TMS book Chronic Pain: Your Key to Recovery, which includes information about TMS as well as worksheets and exercises and stories from people who successfully overcame their TMS. She has also developed an online recovery program as well as a recovery CD, and runs monthly clinics in London.

In her survey response, Georgie writes:

“Despite being a Physiotherapist, Dr Sarno's concept and approach was not a surprise to me. For many years prior to coming across this work in 2007 I had been looking for the answer to the many inconsistencies I had been observing with my own patients. I had also already begun to realise that pain often did not appear to be related to the structural problems patients had been diagnosed with. Coming across TMS was an epiphany moment for me and has completely changed my whole understanding and therefore how I work. Having seen the remarkable and often life changing recoveries in my own patients, I am passionate about working with people with TMS/PPD and 100% of my time over the past few years has been developing this work and raising the profile in the UK.
“Since developing SIRPA I continue to work in a clinical role working with people who suffer from TMS/PPD. Although based in Yorkshire I also run regular assessment clinics in London and Bristol. Through SIRPA I also run training courses for other regulated Health Professionals in order to help them integrate this approach into their own work. Our aim is to raise the profile of this work by increasing the awareness of stress illness to the public and Practitioners as well as the Medical world.”
(Source)
A physiotherapist is very similar to a doctor, in that they can make diagnoses and order medical tests. A physiotherapist in the UK is very similar to a Physical Therapist in the United States.

Available via Phone and Skype
19 Longley Lane
Huddersfield, West Yorkshire, UK
01484 452500
Survey Response / Website / Q&A Answers / Forum Profile / DVD and CD
Main Wiki Page About Georgie Oldfield
Miracles of Mindbody Medicine article
Why You Need to Stop Trying so Hard to Get Better
Insurance Accepted: Any plan that covers Physiotherapy costs, except BUPA.

 

You guys are great...I hope Mermaid is reading all the compassionate energy that is flowing her way. Reading her above comments kinda shows so much on her plate....relationships, unbelievable work responsibilities and emotional history. God love you Mermaid and I hope you reach out to Georgie O as it seems she has tackled a lot of cases in the UK. Please hang in there.

 

Thank you all for your kind words and support. My GP has admitted me to hospital for tests. She thinks I may have appendicitis. I think it's TMS, but better to be sure. I thought I had TMS before when I had a vertical tooth fracture.

 

Hey, it's good to hear from you. Be sure to let us know how things go but above all take extra special care of yourself. Do your best to rest on gentle and peaceful thoughts and let the doctors do their thing. It is always better to be sure.

Sending love x

 

It's good to rule out serious things that need to be treated. Get the tests done, appendicitis seems like a reach, but you never know, let us know how the tests turn out.

 

However it turns out, appendicitis or not, don’t dispair! Never give up! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Mermaid, I've been at a "what's the point?" time in my life more than once.
I was researching for a book and one of the aspects was reading about jumpers from the Golden Gate bridge in San Fran.
There are 29 survivors that I read about. All 29 said that in the seconds after they jumped they regretted their choice and wanted to live.
I'm not sure why this helped me, except that I've also read so many other accounts of people saying that they remember a time when
they didn't want to live anymore, and then they had a breakthrough.

Most of us on here still struggle. Depression is a harrowing thing, as is anxiety. I just wanted to tell you that you have people here who can sympathize and empathize deeply. Stay in touch with all of us.

 

Ahhh, dearest Mermaid, I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering so right now. Know that many of us have been there and can empathize with how dark and hopeless things can seem at time. I know that you know all the TMS healing techniques, and so practical advice is not what you need most at this point. However, I think you may find it helpful to read over your past posts that have been so helpful to so many here on the Forum. This may help you to connect to that more hopeful part of yourself that is overwhelmed right now.

It sounds strange, but I am glad to hear that you are in the hospital. It can be a good place to let go and let others take care of you for awhile. There is healing to be found in that alone.

I know you have been through hell with medication issues in the past, as have I and many others on the Forum, but I do believe there is a place for the right medications on a temporary basis to help us get through such a difficult period, e.g. old style anti-depressants and pain medication. They can sometimes let enough light in for us to see our way out of the darkness.

Every time I sat down to write my Success Story, I had a major relapse of symptoms. It would make me doubt myself for awhile, but then I was able to see that the fearful part of my brain just did not want to see my success written out, as it was like a death sentence to the TMS defense strategy that had protected me for so long. I remain hopeful that we will see your Success Story posted in the future.

Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are all here to support you as you have supported so many in the past.

With the warmest of love, I wish you peace, hope, and well being......

 

Got my diagnosis, "inflammation" of my sacroiliac joint causing nerve irritation.... TMS then. I have no clue what to do about it I can't run away from my life. I've journalled myself stupid, I know exactly why I am who I am and what is behind my reactions. This crap has got me beat I'm 100% positive it's TMS, I have done years of soul mining, but it doesn't help. All the exercise meditation positive affirmations in the world don't work either. I give up.

 

I reached exactly this point of frustration around 3 or 4 years ago. I took a break from the whole TMS thing and started to be more curious and open about what may work. I write about this is My Story but essentially I found mindful body-oriented methods much more effective.

I don't discount the emotional work at all but I was at a crushing impasse and needed something else, something different. I found it. Have faith that you will too.

Have you explored Alan Gordon's new program? There is a bold link at the head of the page. (The recent one that ran this last Summer not the earlier one with it's own forum). The focus is more neuro-psychological than emotional, and it's more practical. Given your knowledge and experience thus far it may gift you with some fresh insights or techniques.

 

Maybe that is what you need right now Mermaid. Just "give up". Don't give a shit anymore. Whatever happen will happen. Fuck it. I don't care if I'm healthy or not. I don't care if I have money or I'm poor. I don't care if I have someone to love or I'm all alone, I don't care if I'm happy or depress. It is OK exactly the way it is. I brought this to me by my thought, my emotion and now if I don't care and don't give a shit anymore then they will all leave. What brought tms to us is not what happened years ago in our past or what is happening now. It is our perception to what happen. When we no longer care about what happened or will happen, when we no longer fear the future, when we are able to open our arms wide and accept everything life throw at us, then that is when we are free.
Just let go, just let go. Don't hold on to anything. Don't try to grab/reach anything. Just live for this moment.
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”
Drink lot of water, take a Tylenol, then sit down and enjoy a good movie with your husband. You can still watch movie while in pain you know. Just really focus on the movie and have a wonderful conversation with your husband. Promise yourself for just a couple of hours he will be your attention. Let go of any thought about yourself. Keep moving. Try to jog around the house. If you can't jog, walk. If you can walk, crawl. If you can't crawl, wiggle, roll, waving your legs and arms... Just keep active.
Forget about journaling. forget about meditation or positive talk. Just be real and live your life as if everything is OK. Then it will be OK. Remember it is all about perception and not what happened to you that can hurt you. If what happened to us can hurt us then everyone who live in Syria, N. Korea, Somalia... would all die already.
You will be in my pray tonight.

 

Hi Plumb, I've been through the new Alan Gordon stuff several times, but it hasn't made a difference. I'm constantly searching for my "thing" but nothing clicks. I'm more afraid than I've ever been, it's got me in a death grip this time. I've been in severe pain before, but nothing like this. My whole body is agony. My stupid brain keeps tormenting me with thoughts of what is at stake if it don't get this under control fast. I know full well that that's counterproductive but I can't calm the constant fear. I've lost the war.

 

I don't have the words to express how much I value your support. You always get right to the heart of things. I'm sitting alone my husband is shut in the spare room playing his guitar, he's had enough of my problems.

The thing that has caused this flair up is immense pressure at work and fact the my mum's slipping away. I love both mum and my work, I just wish my mindbody could handle my emotions without tormenting me.
Please don't give up on me.

 

I think Balto has a point, try to find a way to have some relaxed moments. And as also Ellen says, the temporary use of medication is ok. Suffering is not a virtue! We all went through periods of despair and hopelessness, hang in there and don’t give up.

 

It's easy to feel like giving up. I've been feeling like that lately, with new, aggravating, annoying symptoms and pain that increased Friday after I moved my washing machine to retrieve a cat who ran behind it and wouldn't come out. I do understand about TMS and I'm convinced that I have it and I can be healed. But it sure seems like it is taking a long time. I'm finding myself worrying a lot about what is going to happen, what if it just doesn't ever stop, I can't stand any more of this, it's been 9 years of various pains, actually most of my life but the last 9 have been the worst. And then I find a bit of calm and am pain-free. For a while. Then it starts up again. I take hope from the weeks this summer that I felt 90% pain and anxiety free. This too shall pass.

I hope you can find some moments of peace, Mermaid. It's hard losing your mother. I lost mine 33 years ago and it really hasn't gotten any easier.