Would like to move on with life

Hi all,

I had pain issues since early 2011, from early 2010-mid 2011 I had been experiencing a fairly severe anxiety and depression episode - these come and go throughout life I'm 30 now, I've had maybe 5 episodes. The pain/TMS trigger began with squatting at the gym exhausted from depression (I had worked out diligently for 8 years) and heard a pop somewhere on my lumbar spine. I then began to develop back pain for the next 2-5 months. Going back to the gym 5 months after the initial injury I developed pretty severe sciatica in both legs after barbell curls (causes back to tighten). I went to the physio, they said it was just tightness and an MRI showed a light-moderate bulge on L5-S1 at the left just touching the nerve root. In September, I took a trip to Asia for a month where my depression broke, I returned to a normal non-depressed life despite the sciatica and back pain but then developed incredibly intense pelvic pain after - think I had cauda-equina (I'm a hypochondriac, re-inforced with clinical background and a pre-med undergrad). I basically had issues sitting but that cleared up leaving minor pelvic and back pain for 2012. At the end of 2012, the pelvic pain hit again sending me to ER once more thinking cauda-equina, MRI scan on the lumbar showed nothing, a neurosurgeon didn't feel the need to operate. From 2013 I lost the ability to sit since I would experience pain and hypersensitivity - I'd always have to shift positions to work so I adapted with the pain - the physio said it was just tightness and underlying anxiety - MRI scans on pelvis showed nothing and the pudendal neuralgia specialist said I was an aytpical case, he didn't suspect nerve entrapment. In 2014, my neck/shoulders started experiencing radiculopathy, unexplained, basically took out my ability to look at small screens and lie down and use a computer (very useful position when you can't sit) - at first the pain/hypersensitivity radiated down the arms and into the neck. This year, 2015, I have a combination of all pains, not too severe but now I'm experiencing anxiety and hypochondria directly as a result of the pain (no mental anguish other than paranoia and over exaggeration of pain/hypersensitivity). I've basically gone to ER a month ago thinking I had some cardio-pulmonary event. Recently I smashed my T2 vertebrae on a hard break on public transit thinking I damaged my spine based on the radiculopathy (ER doctor said I'd be in way more pain if anything severe happened - said the sensory nerves have been 'jolted' but motor is ok - it'll clear up in a few days). So the hypersensitivity is preventing me from getting good sleep making me more anxious. So it's been almost non-stop health anxiety this year and it's becoming unbearable.

I found Dr. Sarno's books (all + DVD) in February 2015 after my neck/mid-back blew out again. I sat on the ideas for awhile but now I am deciding to do something about it - reading the book clearly wasn't sufficient. I would always run away from my problems in finance & investments which was my primary hobby & distraction, but now I've set passive asset allocation strategies free'ing up most of my free time. I still work a ton to distract myself as well. I've been stuck at the same job, which isn't a bad one (data analysis), though I notice that periods of high stress usually precipitate new symptoms. I'm afraid to find a new job because of all the accommodations I'd need (standing desk + schedule flexibility) but I feel I want to move on with life (work different career path/travel etc). I've continued to workout with cardio (but not weights) to maintain health and movement. Now I've decided to implement mandatory meditation periods during the day. I left this 'PPD' on for 4 years in the prime of my life, now I realize I can't continue doing this as the symptoms are disrupting my work function (I've always been able to deliver despite the pain and panic prior to). I plan on diligently completing the courses on this site though I know what most of my problems and anger points are now, I'm afraid of some past-traumas I may dig up (I had a pretty crumby childhood with temperamental/stressed out/poor parents + a lackluster life from then on)...Oddly enough, ever since all this pain/radiculopathy started, I haven't experienced a major depressive episode or mental anxiety (non-health related) so my subjective life experience for the past 3.5 years has been pretty good minus the pain!

Thanks!
Jason

My latest symptom over this week is anxiety (turns into very faint light nausea) coming from the abs when I am not standing (shortened or flexed abs) - it disrupted sleep last night. I think I've 'associatively learned' that I can only be comfortable standing or walking. I cant imagine this stemming from the T2 bruising (this knocked out my comfort lying down)...Also in April, after a cold, I developed light trigeminal (toothaches) and cheek aches (light but enough to stop me from running since impact sets it off). The physio found that my jaw muscles were tight. So I'm constantly developing new symptoms of pain hypersensitivity and anxiety. So all these new clusters has gotten me to put solving this at top priority.

 

Hi Jason,

Welcome to this site.

It's great that you've discovered Sarno. I would just suggest that you take your time as you learn about TMS and approach the feelings that are underneath your symptoms. You've been through a lot, and it takes time to work through it all. Expecting an instant cure can lead to frustration and make the process harder.

Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

David.

 

Hi, Jason. David has given you excellent advice. Try not to let thinking about sitting become a mental conditioning. It's great that you feel okay standing or walking. Try sitting for longer periods and deep breathing, telling yourself it's okay to sit, or lie down. Keep thinking positive and find pleasant distractions so you don't even think about pain. If you haven't done it yet, I recommend you start the Structured Educational Program, free in the subforum of this web site. It helped heal me of severe back pain and has healed many hundreds of others. I leads us to discover the emotional causes of our pains.

 

Thanks for the responses and advice! I finished Alan Gordon's (in terms of reading and listening) for the second time. I'll start on the structured...I'm developing too many new and different health problems now, I'm guessing the anxiety/stress and heart fears have turned into an IBS-like thing. I think what really struck me was Alan's 'exception' noting, i.e. when I can sit comfortably (when I'm focusing on a different health problem) so therefore there's no real tissue damage. There are times when I'm NOT nauseous lying down. Yeah I always have high expectations of things, I guess I have to do this organically...The problem is that once things become bearable, my recuperation actions stop, not this time though. This will be a tough journey...So many problems and issues I've run away from and haven't solved. I saw fit to see a counselor back when I was in my early teens so lot built up. Right now, I've resolved everything by not thinking that I have a self-esteem or that it isn't important, I'm just a sentient body that commits actions in a goal-oriented manner...