Who is the Inner Bully, really?

[littleme]

I have finished Alan's Recovery Program and will probably listen over and over again, because everything about it, even the sound of his voice, is *so* soothing.

The reparenting bits are very helpful and I understand the subconscious anger, because I have actually had dreams where I have my mother by the throat and am screaming obscenities at her. But directing that anger at my Inner Bully just doesn't feel right. The Inner Bully doesn't feel like something separate from me. It feels like that little kid who can't "get" something and says out loud, "I'm so stupid!" Would I feel angry toward that child if she were my own? Would I even chastise her for not being able to "get" it or for feeling frustrated? How can it be healthy, or even helpful, to direct the anger I feel toward my parents for not loving the real me toward the part of me that just parrots what I heard as a child? I have been telling her that hard things feel hard and that's OK, but she doesn't need to feel anxious and afraid, because she's still going to be just fine, however it turns out.

So if I can't direct the anger toward something inside me, where can I direct it? Or do I need to do anything beyond acknowledging it?

 

[Eric "Herbie" Watson]

Hi littleme, I love that name. Direct your anger toward a journal if need be. I would send love to the bully if you wish. That doesn't mean you have to listen to the bully or the critic any longer though as you know. I really think knowing you have the inner child has made you concerned for this part of you. I think sending emotional love is a great thing to do. You already feel it as a part of you that needs compassion so go with your heart. I would advise that this is exactly what IFS therapy is for. How to talk to your parts like the bully so you two can come to an agreement and then everyone is satisfied and complete. This helps relieve your tension and stress too. How was the Tms recovery program other than this distinction you have about the bully? Let me know if you'd be interested in going further with your studies and I will give you the forum url less you already know where its at. Bless you

 

[Forest]

For the majority of people with TMS, simply acknowledging our emotions is enough to get better. We have spent so long repressing these feelings, that all we need is to recognize they do exist and do not make us horrible people.

As for the Inner Bully, it is more important to stand up to it, then to get angry with with. You need to soothe yourself, and let yourself know that it is okay to make a mistake. I would add though, that when you direct your anger at your inner bully, you are actually directing it at your parents and not actually at yourself. You are becoming angry at how your past has developed these harmful traits in you. When I get angry at my own inner bully, there is a feeling that I am not actually angry at myself, but at the way in which I was raised. This does seem to help me reduce my perfectionism and anxiety.

Keep in mind though, that we are all different, so if something seems forced to you, it may be a good idea to find another way to accomplish the task, such as becoming more soothing.

 

[Jax92]

For the majority of people with TMS, simply acknowledging our emotions is enough to get better. We have spent so long repressing these feelings, that all we need is to recognize they do exist and do not make us horrible people.

As for the Inner Bully, it is more important to stand up to it, then to get angry with with. You need to soothe yourself, and let yourself know that it is okay to make a mistake. I would add though, that when you direct your anger at your inner bully, you are actually directing it at your parents and not actually at yourself. You are becoming angry at how your past has developed these harmful traits in you. When I get angry at my own inner bully, there is a feeling that I am not actually angry at myself, but at the way in which I was raised. This does seem to help me reduce my perfectionism and anxiety.

Keep in mind though, that we are all different, so if something seems forced to you, it may be a good idea to find another way to accomplish the task, such as becoming more soothing.

Forest, do you still agree with your assessment here?

How does someone know if all they need is to feel their emotions in the moment, have some outcome independence, stay positive etc. vs if they need to dig into those deep repressed emotions and treat them?

 

[Forest]

As time has passed, I'm no longer finding myself convinced by the idea of digging up deeply repressed emotions. Many people try it, but it works better just to try to live a good life.

Living a good life means many things, though. As I mentioned above, it means accepting our true emotions and not judging ourselves about them. It also means outcome independence (not stressing yourself out based on how things are going) and being kind to yourself. It means being mindful of your true emotions but gently and authentically turning toward constructive emotions rather than darker ones. Basically, living that good life in spite of whatever your TMS throws at you also implies doing everything in Alan's program and in other sources in the TMS world. Sometimes working with a therapist can help with this, but it isn't necessary, and sometimes working with a therapist causes us to take less ownership of our own progress.

Also, I think that it is counterproductive to think that we just have to "feel our feelings hard enough" (i.e. fits of tearful journaling) or that we have to find some deep and secret insight. I think those are red herrings left to us by 70s and 80s era popular books.

In short, happiness first and health will follow.

Does that answer your question?

 

[Jax92]

As time has passed, I'm no longer finding myself convinced by the idea of digging up deeply repressed emotions. Many people try it, but it works better just to try to live a good life.

Living a good life means many things, though. As I mentioned above, it means accepting our true emotions and not judging ourselves about them. It also means outcome independence (not stressing yourself out based on how things are going) and being kind to yourself. It means being mindful of your true emotions but gently and authentically turning toward constructive emotions rather than darker ones. Basically, living that good life in spite of whatever your TMS throws at you also implies doing everything in Alan's program and in other sources in the TMS world. Sometimes working with a therapist can help with this, but it isn't necessary, and sometimes working with a therapist causes us to take less ownership of our own progress.

Also, I think that it is counterproductive to think that we just have to "feel our feelings hard enough" (i.e. fits of tearful journaling) or that we have to find some deep and secret insight. I think those are red herrings left to us by 70s and 80s era popular books.

In short, happiness first and health will follow.

Does that answer your question?

I 100% wholeheartedly agree with you.

Guys I’ve spoken to that have gotten better from the same thing as me did so without knowing about TMS, I actually told them about it while asking if it would be good, and they basically said to just get on with life, say screw it, and do the things you want to in life and just accept that it’s the way it is and don’t ruminate on issues. There was nothing about repressed emotions.
Basically outcome indepence and getting back to things you enjoy and not caring about flare-ups, and they were adamant about working out too. They even mentioned to notice the flared up symptoms from working out and just not to care about it.
Very similar to TMS treatment.
Then recently one guy told me a few guys had recently gotten better with one of the TMS programs.

So it’s much more about not worrying about it, lowering anxiety, accepting flare ups and symptoms, and doing the things you enjoy in life and letting time take its toll.

 

[whitewatersmetta]

I struggled with the inner bully concept too...with the basic concern that yelling at myself was a big part of how I developed TMS in the first place, but at the same time knowing that I have a need to express the very real anger and grief I feel at how I've treated myself.

One day I realized that, for me at least, it doesn't make sense to think of an "inner bully" but rather an "outer bully that snuck in". I'm getting better at recognizing my emotions, like anger, hatred, resentment, grief, etc. I'm a normal human with a lot of positive and negative feelings. But I don't treat anyone else the way I treat myself....So is that part of me that treats me badly a bully? It feels more like the toxic parts of my outer world (family, modern society, religious dogma, etc.) manage to disguise themselves in my voice and then treat me terribly. I can get angry at this sneaky, outer bully while feeling great compassion and love for the parts of me that have been hijacked in to acting with cruelty, thinking that it was for my own good.

It's really helped me move past the circular trap of needing to acknowledge my anger at mistreatment (by "myself") while also knowing that all the parts of me deserve to be treated with compassion and love.

I hope maybe this way of looking at things will be useful to someone else, too.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

It feels more like the toxic parts of my outer world (family, modern society, religious dogma, etc.) manage to disguise themselves in my voice and then treat me terribly. I can get angry at this sneaky, outer bully while feeling great compassion and love for the parts of me that have been hijacked in to acting with cruelty, thinking that it was for my own good.

Hi whitewatersmetta,

I think you're finding the core of this work, and I appreciate your clear expression. A good addition to the thread above.

The real secret to this work is to first notice the anger turned inward, and then rightfully turn our anger toward the part of us which is rejecting us, just as you've found. You've put it well, that this is the best our developing ego could do in order to try to stay in the field of love of our parents. I think the Inner Bully is natural anger at not being loved, which could go outward toward caretakers, but it cannot, because it threatens our relationship. So we turn that natural rejection inward to try to change conditions.

Forest uses the term "standing up to" rather than anger, and this is an interesting distinction. To me, starting with anger is a natural way into the somatic energy which we need to "stand up to." It is nice to tap into the fire in the belly, especially for the TMS personality types which often find anger difficult to acknowledge or feel fully.

The only downside to anger is that if we're not using it very cleanly, it can entangle us into continued relationship ----as in "resentment" or "struggle to break free." These familiar ways in which we don't tap into clean anger do not disengage the old child victim/parent tyrant relationship. And the point of these practices in my experience is to break the old dynamic. This is the "standing up to."

I congratulate you on your work, knowing that we're working with very believable patterns which take courage to untangle.

 

[whitewatersmetta]

Hi whitewatersmetta,

I think you're finding the core of this work, and I appreciate your clear expression. A good addition to the thread above.

The real secret to this work is to first notice the anger turned inward, and then rightfully turn our anger toward the part of us which is rejecting us, just as you've found. You've put it well, that this is the best our developing ego could do in order to try to stay in the field of love of our parents. I think the Inner Bully is natural anger at not being loved, which could go outward toward caretakers, but it cannot, because it threatens our relationship. So we turn that natural rejection inward to try to change conditions.

Forest uses the term "standing up to" rather than anger, and this is an interesting distinction. To me, starting with anger is a natural way into the somatic energy which we need to "stand up to." It is nice to tap into the fire in the belly, especially for the TMS personality types which often find anger difficult to acknowledge or feel fully.

The only downside to anger is that if we're not using it very cleanly, it can entangle us into continued relationship ----as in "resentment" or "struggle to break free." These familiar ways in which we don't tap into clean anger do not disengage the old child victim/parent tyrant relationship. And the point of these practices in my experience is to break the old dynamic. This is the "standing up to."

I congratulate you on your work, knowing that we're working with very believable patterns which take courage to untangle.

Thank you Andy Bayliss.

 

[Tms_joe]

I’ll tell you who it is NOT! It’s is not YOU. It is not your identity. It’s the part of your mind that has been influenced by your relationships, the media, etc. choose to not identify with it, and it can and will die off.

 

[JaneSandyJane]

Our relationship with ourselves is so important. I'm always trying to work on mine -- and am better for it. Have you considered reading a book on REBT? Albert Ellis's work? Very helpful part is the section on Unconditional Self Acceptance.