I try to listen to my body a lot more. I've ignored my body for far too long.
I do love your example because to me (without getting too spiritual), you had some peace of mind because you dropped into acceptance. We spend life running around trying to manipulate it all to get what we want, and we very rarely experience the complete peace that comes with complete acceptance (like non-attachment in Buddhism).
I know what you mean, but I can't help but think that you are 19 and you're already dictating the things that you must have in order to be fulfilled on your deathbed. That's a lot of pressure! I am not knocking your goals (or goals in general) as they are good goals and they make sense. This may not happen to you but also, what I thought I wanted out of life probably changed 50 times between the ages of 19 and 29, and it is ever evolving. I understand that yours are stuck in a sense because life is on hold, but it's something to consider.
The other thing too is considering what you've said, are you of the view that the whole purpose of life is accomplishment? I'm not saying that it's not important, but what about fun and enjoyment? I do think the absolute lens you speak of is an issue (and it's common with TMS, I have had to improve with it myself). Again, this isn't to discourage you because you should strive for your goals. But I think ironically if you actually pulled back from thinking "If I don't become a judge and have a family then I'm a complete failure and life sucks", then you would probably be in a better position to achieve those things. The universe doesn't respond well to desperation, and I think if you had more flexibility (to think well I want those things and they are great, but life is unpredictable and what if those things don't happen, even through no fault of my own - could I still be fulfilled as a single real estate agent?). That might sound like a silly example, but my point is that to put yourself in a box at 19 and say I won't be fulfilled and happy on my deathbed if I don't get these things, it's a lot of pressure and it is also a tad unrealistic (life is unpredictable and a lot of it is not within our control). I did law and commerce at university and was expecting to become Harvey Specter at 19 (or a high-profile lawyer if that reference doesn't land), and now I'm a chronic pain coach, go figure (and I'm way happier now than I ever was in an office)!
The ironic thing here is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your all or nothing mindset and I'll only be happy if X happens means that symptoms are a complete disaster because they get in the way of these goals (beyond them being awfully uncomfortable, they had added secondary meaning) - this feeds the symptoms and makes it difficult to react with less indifference (which is an important part of recovery). Because of the symptoms, you don't seem to be in a position to make headway on your goals. The thing is I am not trying to gaslight you and I don't want you to try to believe in something that isn't in alignment. We can disagree, I am simply prodding at your current belief system (which I don't believe in myself sure but I also think is not compatible with recovery) to see if that's really what you believe. A lot of our beliefs are simply those of other people, and until they are brought into the light and scrutinised we can't appreciate that actually no that's not what I really believe and I am just going that way out of fear. None of this has the purpose to convince you of anything.
One thing that really hit home when I read it above was when you said "Inherent goodness doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things". Do you really believe that? I would say it means everything in the grand scheme of things, in fact thank goodness for those who are inherently good, otherwise the earth probably wouldn't exist by now (there is already so much selfishness and I suppose you could say evil as of now, which is constantly sending us down a diabolical path).
The last thing you said is perfect and the fact that it's giving you stress I don't read as a bad thing. If you feel like love is conditional, then these symptoms basically mean and are a reflection of the fact that you are unlovable (because you can't meet those conditions). One could say that's the ultimate threat (so it makes complete sense to me as to why it's hard to react better to them). What love are you speaking of? I highly doubt your family's love is conditional deep down (even though it may seem like it). The great thing about self-worth and self-compassion is that you're completely in control of that. You get to determine whether that one is conditional. If you're talking about romantic love, without making societal comment do you really want someone to love you based on what you have or what you can provide? This ties into your comment above. If someone loved you for your inherent goodness (which is really what we all want in my opinion), then does it still not mean anything? I'm being hypocritical because in a sense I felt the exact same way as you at your age (and I know that society conditions you to think that your worth is tied to your job and your bank account). This did the same thing to me and my recovery journey in that it got in the way and made me feel even worse in pain. Just because society seems to (in reality I've found it's not really the case and isn't as stereotypical) operate in a conditional and materialistic way doesn't mean that you have to participate, if in fact that doesn't resonate and it isn't your truth. I got to a point with that too where I thought this doesn't seem right to me and doesn't align with my values. I don't want someone to like me solely for what I have, even if that means being alone. Something to consider
I basically didn't socialise for the whole 6 years I was in pain so I know to an extent how you feel!
"I think this has been a big part of my TMS onset" - makes a lot of sense and great awareness. What emotions are behind that? Sadness? Anger? Who is the anger directed to for your lack of self-esteem? Don't hold back if it's the truth.
We often romanticise our lives pre-pain, which makes the pain seem like even more of a disaster. The truth is, though, that these things were there before pain and they are the reason for the pain in the first place, which you importantly pointed out above.
I thought that when you talked about being this outgoing guy who loved meeting new people before, and now you're saying that your lack of self-esteem from before the pain contributed to your pain onset. That doesn't really add up to me, unless the supposed confidence you did have was just a protective mechanism and you cared too much what others thought, and that was what was driving you to be outgoing (like you were out to prove that you were worthy). I am not trying to make you feel worse, but that's what we've been talking about around internal self-worth and true confidence - the symptoms definitely get in the way of life but they don't have to impact who you are deep down, and that's really what real confidence is. It doesn't depend on external approval. I do think you may be looking at the pre-pain past in a more favourable light - this might be a subconscious defence mechanism too to get you not to reflect and do deep inner work - i.e. the brain is saying we were just fine before the pain and it's all the pain's fault! Well as you importantly noted, that's not true because there's a reason why you're in pain in the first place (but this presents the way out too). Replace pain with your symptoms it's just force of habit from my end (and if someone else reads this who doesn't have pain specifically).
The last part you said I think is reflective of the "spotlight effect" which google defines as "a psychological phenomenon where individuals overestimate how much others notice, judge, or remember their appearance, behavior, or mistakes". You say that as if I'd be sitting here going "wow what a loser" - the truth is whilst I care about you and care about your recovery, I don't really care enough about your self-image to judge you like that (I care about your self-image to the extent that I want you to be happy and to the extent that it helps symptoms, but outside that I don't). I'm way too immersed in my own world and problems to care - unless you did something horrible but you seem like a good guy so I doubt I'll be judging you any time soon (also, who am I to judge?). This isn't personal either, you could replace yourself with anyone on the planet and it would be the same. Rather than this offending you, it should liberate you to know that you don't need to be so bothered about your self-image and what people think. Say you do something silly, and someone may judge you in the moment (most people won't, but some people will although that's more reflective of their insecurities so even then it's not about you - a confident person wouldn't) - say you slip over or something like that and say it's a work colleague. You might think about it for the next 3 days and think how embarrassing is this. You might dread seeing him again. He probably thinks about it for two minutes and then he's right back to thinking about his ongoing divorce and how much his life sucks. You stewed on it for 3 days and he forgot about it 2 minutes later (clearly a waste of energy on your part). It sounds counter-intuitive - but no one caring (we want them to care more broadly, but no one cares enough to really care about every single action you take or word you say - even if parents care too much day to day then you can become enmeshed and that is not good at all for either party) is actually the biggest liberation.
The last thing you said about being ready for life - I don't necessarily think that because I don't think the self-pity is necessary. Beyond the symptoms themselves getting in the way, I don't see why you aren't ready for life. Life doesn't need to be a competition (we all go at our own pace) and we all have insecurities. The only way you're going to get over them is through life also!
I'll respond properly tomorrow but i just wanted to say:
Youre great, very perceptive, im smirking at this interaction right now.
I love meeting new people, I love being around people but alongside that I'm deeply insecure and scared of rejection. I loved hostel culture because I finally felt like it was ok to come up to people.
I wouldn't really be able to categorize myself. I just know I feel great when I meet people that are open to meeting me. I love meeting parents of friends and talking with them. When I have no fear of rejection i love meeting new people. I dont know if this makes sense to you tell me if it does or that you see anpther inconsistency once again
I'll respond properly tomorrow but i just wanted to say this rq.
Youre great mate, Im much grateful
) You can be yourself because you're not tied down and trapped by how others around you at home expect you to act. If you suddenly started truly being yourself at home, you risk putting people off who only know the mask. When you travel, however, no one knows you to begin with so you can be whoever you want to be - including your authentic self! They don't know the difference!
People might not consciously be thinking 'what a loser', but people see who you interact with. If youre talking to everyone, no matter what its about, people will see a guy that has a lot of people to talk to. This is one of those things that id love to try out. Face my fears and just start talking to people. I know therell be loads that dont want to but i should just get loose with everyone. I can blame my symptoms right now but i wouldnt have addresses this if i were healthy. I'm not scared of ordering a coffee or something or interacting with people, it is moreso fear that when i dont have anything to mention people will judge me personally. I hope you understand. When i order things or have questions about something there is no ulterior motive, and I know I'm a good talker -- or i used to be.I basically didn't socialise for the whole 6 years I was in pain so I know to an extent how you feel!
"I think this has been a big part of my TMS onset" - makes a lot of sense and great awareness. What emotions are behind that? Sadness? Anger? Who is the anger directed to for your lack of self-esteem? Don't hold back if it's the truth.
We often romanticise our lives pre-pain, which makes the pain seem like even more of a disaster. The truth is, though, that these things were there before pain and they are the reason for the pain in the first place, which you importantly pointed out above.
I thought that when you talked about being this outgoing guy who loved meeting new people before, and now you're saying that your lack of self-esteem from before the pain contributed to your pain onset. That doesn't really add up to me, unless the supposed confidence you did have was just a protective mechanism and you cared too much what others thought, and that was what was driving you to be outgoing (like you were out to prove that you were worthy). I am not trying to make you feel worse, but that's what we've been talking about around internal self-worth and true confidence - the symptoms definitely get in the way of life but they don't have to impact who you are deep down, and that's really what real confidence is. It doesn't depend on external approval. I do think you may be looking at the pre-pain past in a more favourable light - this might be a subconscious defence mechanism too to get you not to reflect and do deep inner work - i.e. the brain is saying we were just fine before the pain and it's all the pain's fault! Well as you importantly noted, that's not true because there's a reason why you're in pain in the first place (but this presents the way out too). Replace pain with your symptoms it's just force of habit from my end (and if someone else reads this who doesn't have pain specifically).
The last part you said I think is reflective of the "spotlight effect" which google defines as "a psychological phenomenon where individuals overestimate how much others notice, judge, or remember their appearance, behavior, or mistakes". You say that as if I'd be sitting here going "wow what a loser" - the truth is whilst I care about you and care about your recovery, I don't really care enough about your self-image to judge you like that (I care about your self-image to the extent that I want you to be happy and to the extent that it helps symptoms, but outside that I don't). I'm way too immersed in my own world and problems to care - unless you did something horrible but you seem like a good guy so I doubt I'll be judging you any time soon (also, who am I to judge?). This isn't personal either, you could replace yourself with anyone on the planet and it would be the same. Rather than this offending you, it should liberate you to know that you don't need to be so bothered about your self-image and what people think. Say you do something silly, and someone may judge you in the moment (most people won't, but some people will although that's more reflective of their insecurities so even then it's not about you - a confident person wouldn't) - say you slip over or something like that and say it's a work colleague. You might think about it for the next 3 days and think how embarrassing is this. You might dread seeing him again. He probably thinks about it for two minutes and then he's right back to thinking about his ongoing divorce and how much his life sucks. You stewed on it for 3 days and he forgot about it 2 minutes later (clearly a waste of energy on your part). It sounds counter-intuitive - but no one caring (we want them to care more broadly, but no one cares enough to really care about every single action you take or word you say - even if parents care too much day to day then you can become enmeshed and that is not good at all for either party) is actually the biggest liberation.
The last thing you said about being ready for life - I don't necessarily think that because I don't think the self-pity is necessary. Beyond the symptoms themselves getting in the way, I don't see why you aren't ready for life. Life doesn't need to be a competition (we all go at our own pace) and we all have insecurities. The only way you're going to get over them is through life also!
This is so true. I get self improvement vibes when I'm not able to do anything, and then when I get healthy finally, I chicken out. Im not a huge nightlife person -- defo in part because im massively afraid of rejection esp women. But in our friend groups i used to do the talking at day like ordering stuff or calling a cab, but then at night theyd go ham and id just be scared. Its only when I'm afraid of personal rejection. At night I can ask someone a light or a cigarette but i wouldnt be asking them how are you. This long story is all to say that im aware that i have big plans when im not able to do something, but i still dont do them when im well. When i get better this is the main thing i want to address. I need to get loose and follow my heart, not my minds endless intrusive thoughts.
I get what you mean about people noticing who we spend time with, but thinking that way can really tie us in knots.
Youre right that we shouldnt do these things purely for others, but the question remains whether any behavior is actually authentic. I believe were mostly just nurtured to behave a certain way. I personally know that I was a little oblivious to social norms at first but ive gotten way better at that, thus changing my behavior. In the end were social animals made to try to conform to certain standards. I really find this interesting though — what is authenticity? Its a good question
I think it sounds kind of stupid because im not able to do anything. At the moment i dont really have a choice whether i leave a legacy behind. My #1 priority for legacy would be to continue my bloodline. I weirdly feel connected to all my ancestors in a way that makes me want to continue the line. My legacy will be my family, I dont really believe in other worldly stuff.
It’s true that our early experiences shape a lot of what we call “authentic” behaviour. I think authenticity isn’t about being free from influence—it’s more about tuning in to what feels genuinely right or alive for us underneath the conditioning. But if we push too far from that 'blueprint' by acting in ways that aren't really us—like forcing ourselves to be the life and soul of the party when we'd rather not—we end up attracting the wrong people, giving others a false impression of who we are, and facing fallout because we're not with our true tribe.
There's a time and place for striving high, but chasing perfection all or most of the time is utterly draining—like a marathon with no finish line (even though we may be kind to ourselves when we don't manage perfection). It ramps up inner pressure until emotions and our bodies signal back with tension, fatigue and/or other symptoms, much like straying from our blueprint.
That deathbed vision with kids and grandkids all around is straight out of the movies—picture-perfect (and, of course, some people do experience that) but what if life throws a curveball, like meeting someone amazing where one of you can't have children? Would it mean dumping them to chase that exact script, or adapting to what still feels true and fulfilling?
– us into the right direction
Hey, thanks.
You mean journaling yeah? Ive done so much emotional work. So much to understand my youth and to really listen to what it says, and it just did not provide relief for me. Thats not to say it didnt work, but i just didny really notice anything symptom wise.