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TMS feelings

Joulegirl

Joulegirl

Beloved Grand Eagle
I've been struggling the last couple of weeks and I'm not sure what to do. I think I'm in a depression. I know that can pop up when we are healing. I've been dealing with insomnia as well-which can contribute to that. I'm just wondering if anyone else on this forum dealt with it as well and maybe some advice on what you did to help get out of it.

I just know I don't feel like myself and my husband even said that he has noticed that I have distance myself from him. And while that wasn't intentional, when I get home from work, I just want to be by myself. I spend a lot of energy at work trying to be "normal" that I'm exhausted by the end of the day. And this is horrible, because I still have teenagers that I need to be their for and attend their activities in the evening!

Any advice as someone who has maybe been through it?
 
When I've felt like that I've needed to intentionally carve out a bit of extra 'me' time away from everyone else that is non-negotiable. I'm now retired and don't have any children to attend to, but for my mental health I still find I need at least half an hour a day of peace and quiet on my own to either do my own thing or to do absolutely nothing (it makes all the difference to my general mood, I've found)...

"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits" ~ Satchel Paige

I like being around my husband (who is also retired) but I also love it when he has to go out for an appointment or whatever and I have the house to myself.

I think your mind/body is actually telling you how to feel better and what you need. There's nothing wrong in needing some 'me'/alone time; it doesn't mean that you're on a slippery slope to becoming anti-social or anything. This may be what your mind/body has been wanting you to do all along.

Wishing you well.
 
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BloodMoon is right.

An idea is to take a bath and spend more time there in the bathroom. It's a good reason to be there longer. Just for your peace of mind, you need some quiet time daily if possible. Silence, solitude, for at least 30 min a day, you need it.

Another thing for insomnia is to watch the sunrise in the morning. For a few minutes even and it helps. Directly with the retina, no sunglasses. It regulates the circadian rhythm. If you can't do this, take off your shoes and walk a few minutes bare feet in the grass/ground directly. No asphalt, just dirt, grass, soil etc. The energy from the ground works into your body and it balances, it's about the energies getting readjusted or something like that.

Try it. Take care.
 
I wrote a Success Story about dealing with insomnia. It might be a bit overwhelming for you now, but if it persists and becomes chronic, reading it might be helpful.
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/recovery-from-chronic-insomnia.16653/

The most important thing about dealing with insomnia (and possibly depression too) is outcome independence. You'll be fine even if you don't sleep. Often it is catastrophizing about the ill effects of poor sleep on your next day that will keep you awake. So just find a good TV series or YouTube videos to watch while awake and go with it. Same is true of depression. It's OK to feel down and sad at times as long as it doesn't become chronic and life threatening. And people often find that insomnia cures depression, strangely enough.

Just know that it is common to experience depression, anxiety and insomnia when working on TMS. It's hard work and can bring up a lot of emotions that have been repressed. It's part of working through stuff. Hang in there.
 
Thank you for your advice. Maybe I'm not depressed. Maybe I'm really exhausted and my body is trying to tell me to SLOW DOWN!!!
I love these ideas for slowing down. I thought I did have my insomnia under control, but TMS always likes to change things a bit. I'm not super stressed about it, but I do know that is figuring into my stress levels and I will try some of these tips. Thank you so much!!
 
"I spend a lot of energy at work trying to be "normal" that I'm exhausted by the end of the day. And this is horrible, because I still have teenagers that I need to be their for and attend their activities in the evening!"

Oh, the pressure to be "normal"! Perhaps the fact you haven't scheduled in "Me Time" is part of the reason for some symptoms.
I don't think it's "wrong" or a "problem" or "not normal" to take a bit of time after work for yourself if you need it. Can you grab a piece of that for yourself during lunch (I know some jobs don't get a lunch hour or even breaks) even a meditation snack? Your brain needs a break from being on high alert all the time. No wonder it has difficulty winding down at the end of the day!
I too go through periods of insomnia, and I don't worry about it, @Ellen is absolutely correct.

If both hang around for awhile (couple of months) and you haven't had a physical in awhile, just get that done for piece of mind. My thyroid stuff can cause insomnia and even depression like symptoms (amongst others). It's a sign my levels need attention.
 
A poem for you and for us too.

Leisure
by
William Henry Davies


"What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare."

https://www.yourdailypoem.com/listpoem.jsp?poem_id=100
 
Just want to echo what has been said and what you already are alluding to, but this is a part of the healing process, there are going to be lows, especially after we have periods of feeling good, and that contrast is going feel really really heavy. It’s normal and should be expected, our system is still very much normalizing. Even prior developing chronic symptoms we would go through these moments, but now they hit harder because we’re dealing with this emotional turmoil while feeling like shit physically, it’s a lot.

I’ve dealt with severe insomnia during this, at its worst I was having several nocturnal panic attacks a night and maybe getting an hour of actual sleep. As Ellen said have some activity that you love to do ready so that when you can’t sleep you have something to look forward to. Obviously not ideal, but the real killer with insomnia is that dread and the trying to brute force your way to go to sleep. We’re in fight or flight, it doesn’t make sense that brain and body would let us sleep. Finding any joy in those moments sends a powerful message that we’re not actually in danger.

I sleep so much better but yeah I still wake up a ton and still have days long stretches where I’m up several hours, it sucks but again it’s part of the inner normalizing process

you’ve made a lot of progress, this is just a small blip/leveling off point before you continue to ascend.
 
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I have dealt with insomnia in the past and still do now and again. Any symptom that starts to really bother me tends to cause a level of depression for me also. You feel the pressure of all the things you need to do in the day and the messaging we learn is sleep is one of the most important things for our body which just adds to the pressure to perform in the day.

What helped me when I was awake at night or had trouble falling asleep was leaning into the idea of being awake all night. I would think "okay if I am awake lets just stay up all night" and then thought of all the things I would enjoy doing with the extra time. At first your so tired there is not much you want to do so the best thing was to find a good tv show I would only watch at night or movie, get snacks I like to eat and plop out in the living room. It took a little while but eventually my brain was able to associate being awake at night as something I enjoyed and therefore removing the danger signal. And I will tell you I never stayed awake all night, I always would get too tired at some point and fall asleep. Just truly feel accepting of being ready to be awake all night, if you go in trying to do it just to fall asleep it still may tell the brain there is danger.

Sending you love on your journey.
 
Hi @Joulegirl
Sorry to hear you’re struggling a little. for me whenever I have insomnia. It’s almost always over something. My brain is trying to “work out,” or something I’m worried about or angry about. When I get that straightened out, it passes. when I used to read the news I hardly ever slept— so maybe if you follow the news you could cut back or eliminate for a while?

Depression seems to come along with TMS, because frankly, it’s depressing to have it! You feel like part of your life is getting ripped away. So, you get some really low moments. But usually what pulls me out of this is focusing on what I do have; focusing on what I’m learning about myself that’s a direct benefit of TMS; picturing a brighter future, and praying.
 
Ellen said:
The most important thing about dealing with insomnia (and possibly depression too) is outcome independence
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Yeah lol. I want to just highlight this because my im a terrible sleeper but this is how ive overcome a lot of sleeping troubles. “I will be ok whether I sleep or not.”

I dont have kids and I’m the teen that needs attending but i do have some thoughts.

Personally, I feel that symptoms really are a wakeup call to take care of ourselves. Maybe you can have a talk with the kiddos about your situation and your needs. I know children arent supposed to start taking care of their parents but if my mom was going through shit i would like to know.

When we keep denying ourselves its just a race to the bottom.


Sorry but I need to offload some things too, i hope i dont disturb you. How am i ever gonna have someone depend on me? How does having tms go along with having children? Man o man imagine i have 2 babies and i start having hearing issues again. What will I do?

Oh yeah and joule, please acknowledge yourself. You have needs too. Take care. Best wishes <3
 
Mani said:
How am i ever gonna have someone depend on me? How does having tms go along with having children? Man o man imagine i have 2 babies and i start having hearing issues again. What will I do?
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Try flipping your question and ask: “What if it all goes right — what if having the family I believe I want brings me so much joy and happiness that hearing issues never return?”
 
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Rabscuttle said:
and that contrast is going feel really really heavy. It’s normal and should be expected, our system is still very much normalizing.
Click to expand...

Rabscuttle is right! My anxiety and panic was so chronic for years, that when I discovered TMS and began feeling better, I reached a state of bliss and happiness I couldn't put into words. I felt "normal" for the first time. But the thing is feelings come and go and change, so when I began feeling sad again and down, my fear brain activated and I began to panic, I fell into depression. I had to teach my fear brain that it's okay to experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows; that these feelings pass, and they are temporary. The less I resisted the quicker they passed. At one point I remember my depression coming and going within a couple hours.
 
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