I have struggled with chronic pain issues on and off for about 7 years. 2 of those years were really bad. That was the time my pain became debilitating and I became hopeless. I lost all joy in life and just wanted it to be over. In addition to chronic pain I've struggled with drug and alcohol abuse (as a way of coping with lifelong struggle against major depression and anxiety.) I became a heroin addict for two years, and actually quit drugs shortly before my pain got started (7 1/2 years ago.) Basically, I believe I've conditioned myself to associate struggling against addiction with flare ups of pain. I'm currently attempting to give up alcohol entirely (because I am unable to drink moderately) and I'm experiencing bad pain flare ups that I thought were behind me. I thought I had beaten all that. I thought I was a success story, and for a while I was. The pain can be so viscious. Like being stabbed or electrocuted. A really hateful feeling of malice like my body is trying to hurt me bad. Nothing I can do but collapse against the spasm in lower back and hope it will settle down. It usually does after a little while and I can go back about my business. But it is a constant threat and I do not feel safe. I feel like I have to choose between giving into my alcoholism or facing the wrath of my subconscious as I attempt to quit. It is so demoralizing and I just feel defeated either way. I should also mention that I'm in a stressful time currently in unrelated ways (laid off from job, possibly losing health insurance, sudden substantial rent increase, difficult personal relationships, etc.) I am just faking it with everyone and pretending I'm ok and I have no one to talk to as I fall apart inside. I don't want anyone in my life to know how weak I am so I hide my pain. Could use some support.