yvettemariabetancourt
Peer Supporter
My self-critical list is long... way too long.
Some where along the way, I was instructed by someone, someplace (don't know when or where) that the only way to be better at life, was to constantly self-evaluate and to be self critical. I often wonder if I accidentally misunderstood at a young age that self evaluate meant self criticize? Well, too late now. Some damage has been done. Since I was about 12, and ran our Junior High Newspaper, I have tormented myself over details. I wasn't a straight A student, but wanted to be. I have tried very hard at everything I have ever done. Except taking care of myself.
The flip side of that issue has been the constant need to escape structure and convention, be a bit wild at unexpected times and do the completely unexpected thing as a sort of rebellion to my own perfectionism and idealism. Pretty messed up. Funny enough, I actually do like myself. I like my company and like how interact with the world.
I am coming to recognize lately that a strong sense of unrealistic idealism stemming from that self criticism habit, is very much the source of my back /life problems I do believe it impacts my back agonies and am starting to notice more triggers. When things don't work out as I envision them, I feel a strong sense of loss and agony. I am working on that in counseling and trying not paint pictures in my mind of ANYTHING in the future. Feel and live the NOW. This does not mean I won't pay my bills or help the kids with their college planning, just not have that image of what things will be like when "X" happens. A method I have of torturing myself.
This is no easy feat, but I consider it crucial for my success with my back pain, this program, life and love.
Thanks to all the wonderful people out there who care enough to support this process.
Some where along the way, I was instructed by someone, someplace (don't know when or where) that the only way to be better at life, was to constantly self-evaluate and to be self critical. I often wonder if I accidentally misunderstood at a young age that self evaluate meant self criticize? Well, too late now. Some damage has been done. Since I was about 12, and ran our Junior High Newspaper, I have tormented myself over details. I wasn't a straight A student, but wanted to be. I have tried very hard at everything I have ever done. Except taking care of myself.
The flip side of that issue has been the constant need to escape structure and convention, be a bit wild at unexpected times and do the completely unexpected thing as a sort of rebellion to my own perfectionism and idealism. Pretty messed up. Funny enough, I actually do like myself. I like my company and like how interact with the world.
I am coming to recognize lately that a strong sense of unrealistic idealism stemming from that self criticism habit, is very much the source of my back /life problems I do believe it impacts my back agonies and am starting to notice more triggers. When things don't work out as I envision them, I feel a strong sense of loss and agony. I am working on that in counseling and trying not paint pictures in my mind of ANYTHING in the future. Feel and live the NOW. This does not mean I won't pay my bills or help the kids with their college planning, just not have that image of what things will be like when "X" happens. A method I have of torturing myself.
This is no easy feat, but I consider it crucial for my success with my back pain, this program, life and love.
Thanks to all the wonderful people out there who care enough to support this process.
