My self-critical list is long... way too long. Some where along the way, I was instructed by someone, someplace (don't know when or where) that the only way to be better at life, was to constantly self-evaluate and to be self critical. I often wonder if I accidentally misunderstood at a young age that self evaluate meant self criticize? Well, too late now. Some damage has been done. Since I was about 12, and ran our Junior High Newspaper, I have tormented myself over details. I wasn't a straight A student, but wanted to be. I have tried very hard at everything I have ever done. Except taking care of myself. The flip side of that issue has been the constant need to escape structure and convention, be a bit wild at unexpected times and do the completely unexpected thing as a sort of rebellion to my own perfectionism and idealism. Pretty messed up. Funny enough, I actually do like myself. I like my company and like how interact with the world. I am coming to recognize lately that a strong sense of unrealistic idealism stemming from that self criticism habit, is very much the source of my back /life problems I do believe it impacts my back agonies and am starting to notice more triggers. When things don't work out as I envision them, I feel a strong sense of loss and agony. I am working on that in counseling and trying not paint pictures in my mind of ANYTHING in the future. Feel and live the NOW. This does not mean I won't pay my bills or help the kids with their college planning, just not have that image of what things will be like when "X" happens. A method I have of torturing myself. This is no easy feat, but I consider it crucial for my success with my back pain, this program, life and love. Thanks to all the wonderful people out there who care enough to support this process.