I have been keeping diaries intermittantly since I was about 18 and up until last year if I was feeling particularly low I would get them out and have a read as it would make me feel better reading about all this misery and thinking at least I wasn't going through those times again. Pretty much every day was filled with 'tired', 'fed up', 'awful migraine', 'terrible acid reflux', 'hip pain today', 'feeling horrendous, anxious', 'had panic attack' etc. It sounds awful just writing this and I am so glad that I found this forum and have been using the programmes to turn my life around and have gradually been feeling better and better (although still not like a 'normal' person whatever that is). A few days ago though I was feeling good and for some reason decided to get the diaries out of the attic and settle down with them to read the misery and feel even better I suppose because of how much better I was feeling. But all it has done has given me bad acid reflux which in turn has made my throat feel tight and made me hyper vigilant again so much so that I was on the bed this morning and felt a tiny bit nauseous and it brought on a panic attack. I managed to get that under control by soothing myself and saying I would be okay and focusing on my breathing. A couple of years ago I also developed a fear of swallowing in case I choked and this was brought on by the acid reflux making my throat feel sensitive. That seems to be coming back too now. I think the acid reflux is 'functional' i.e. my body is just overly sensitive and always on the lookout (maybe because of a violent and frightened childhood) - I have had three endoscopies including one last month which show no issues. I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this sort of thing when feeling better and then reading or thinking about bad times. Even now, knowing it isn't good for me, I have a burning desire to get a particularly bad diary out and sit and read it. It is almost as if I want to cause myself torment and not be happy. I'm sorry for the long post. I sometimes feel I could write for ever. Have started writing my story and one day hope to share it in case it helps anyone. I also appreciate that I don't have the classic back or shoulder pain but have had hip and leg pain in the past but it seems my body has latched onto other symptoms to scare me. Thanks, James.